Thursday, April 09, 2009

Eggs...again!

Theme Thursday this week is: EGGS. Eggs? You’ve got to be shitting me! Ok, I guess that isn't how they make them but I did eggs already once on my blog. Ok, well, there are a lot of readers that weren’t privy to that one and rather than be lame and link the old post, I’ll just repost it but add a whole bunch of new nonsense. Yeah, it’ll be long and obnoxious…sort of like porn stars…but it’ll either appease everyone or no one. Given the world state these days, I’m betting on the latter.

Eggs seem like a pretty bland subject, don’t they? But when you get right down to it, what isn’t weird about eggs?

Normally I don’t consume embryos but I’m willing to enact my suspension of reality and enjoy my damn breakfast without worrying about what it is I am eating. I just want my damn eggs and toast!

Shape


Ok, what prankster came up with the shape of an egg? You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s a ridiculous shape. You can’t really roll it or throw it; it isn’t round. But it will roll and thanks to it’s fragility it will also break! You can’t stack them without one of those elaborate egg containers.

Ok, sure, it’s tapered and all but I can’t think it’s that pleasant for the chickens to lay. It’s too wide. If they were going for pleasant that egg would be a lot more narrow and better tapered! Nobody enjoys taking a giant dookie that is the shape of a grenade; you need a nice proper width and taper here folks. I'm just telling you like it is; the straight poop! But I digress…

I figure if we’ve now been able to make watermelons square, its only a matter of time before we’ll have square eggs too. I’ve been working with the Germans on this very thing for years now. The great thing about the Germans is that if it involves science, engineering or world domination they are eager to sign up.

The secret is to start at the source: the chickens. We’ve been giving them slide rulers and teaching them tax auditing in the hopes of having the squarest chickens around. Square chickens should hopefully yield square eggs…just give it a couple of millennia for the DNA to adjust…

But the human race is so impatient. That’s too long to wait. So while we cannot yet produce a square egg with the shell on, we can sure as hell develop one after you take the shell off. Because square hard boiled eggs are so cool!
Shell

Here’s another ridiculous thing about eggs: their shell. Oh sure, great for the chick to peck its way out of but a pain in the rear for us embryo consuming maniacs.

How many times have you had to try and fetch an egg shell from the scrambled egg bowl? It’s not easy. The egg forms this invisible goo barrier that somehow prevents you from actually reaching the shell; it’s always sliding the shell just slightly out of reach. Infuriating! But thanks to technology I’m working on….no more!

Oh… and how about those people that actually blow all the contents out of the egg and then paint the shells. I’ve got advice for you folks. Go get some river rocks and paint them! First off, you won’t have to blow on them for hours. Secondly, they won’t get crushed at the next Earthquake…
Dishes

Finally, let’s consider all the crazy things we make with eggs…

Scrambled Eggs. What’s up with this idea? How many other things do you see scrambled for enjoyment? I don’t take my pancakes and scramble them up into a big fluffy heap and serve them. I don’t mash up my hamburger into a hideous pile and sprinkle salt and pepper on it! This seems entirely wrong!

Deviled Eggs. Granted, I could eat these until I explode. I have no control. But why do they call them that? Are they going to be serving these in hell? That’ll be just fine with me! Isn’t this kind of weird to serve like this? It’s sort of like carving out a watermelon and then taking what you carved out, whipping it up with some other ingredients and then throwing it back into the watermelon. Weird.

Egg salad Sandwich. Another weird one. I see the egg, but I don’t see the salad. Why do they call this a salad? I don’t see any tomato. I don’t see any carrot or cucumber. Is this like a Caesar salad? I don’t see any croutons.

Color

Ok, one more thing. Aren’t you secretly disturbed at seeing brown eggs? No, it’s not a racial thing…they just happen to look like turds. I don’t really want to be cracking open a big brown turd.
Other

First of all, what in the hell is egg nog? I’m not that dumb. I happen to know the basic ingredients of an egg. There’s the shell, the egg white and the egg yolk. It’s pretty damn simple! Nowhere in that ingredient list did I run across eggnog. So where did the nog come from? What is a nog? I looked it up. It’s any liquid thing made with beaten eggs. Ahhhh! Well that clears it all up. Depending upon how you abuse your eggs determines whether you call them scrambled or nog!

So why does eggnog only come out around the Christmas holidays? Perhaps I should just leave the whole nog thing alone. We’ll sum it up as: weird!

And finally, pretty much like anything else in the internet universe you can find something weird done with eggs; either literally or inspirationally. I’ll leave you these with the usual VE commentary…
For those of you that usually spill their eggs in the morning...now you can wear them all day!

You can always find me….I work in the giant egg building!

Yep, you can have an egg mouse…not to be confused with a mouse egg (of course I don’t think mice lay eggs…)

Well of course, what other pursuits are you going to do with a bazillion eggs and nothing else to do? Build an egg city! I mean, you wouldn’t want to feed the poor or anything!

49 comments:

Mrsupole said...

That was so funny, I laughed out loud again and the cat gave me those weird looks again.

Egg turds, I will never be able to look at a brown egg again without thinking this. And Costco sells brown eggs now. Sigh.

reyjr said...

really cool. I love the egg "sculpture".

Marianna said...

This made me laugh lol I love the squared watermelons :-)

Happy TT!

Dalton J. Fox said...

Will a square egg really be easier for a chicken to lay?

Deb said...

I'd be glad to be your financial backer for those square eggs. Think of the space we could save in the fridge. Think of the displays of egg pyramids in the grocery store. People could then select any number of eggs rather than being stuck with 4, 6 or 12. What if I only want 3 eggs? That way I could put all my eggs in one basket.

Matt-Man said...

That was an eggsellent post. You're such a yolkster. Yeah I know...I got nothin' today. Cheers VE!!

Candie Bracci said...

Nice one VE!LOL

Yeah what about those watermelons?
Intriguing..

I never seen most of the things you've presented here btw,must come from another planet!lol.

Brian Miller said...

lol. you are too much and always come up with the most amazing perspective on the theme. egg turds. ha. yes, i distrust the brown eggs as well. great stuff!

subtorp77 said...

Bloody marvelous, VE! And the brown eggs..hey wait! I eat those things ( the eggs laddie, the eggs )!

Janna said...

Egg Nog is the snot of Satan.
With a few spices added.

Wings said...

Very funny! What a refreshingly odd sense of humor you have. :)

Jaime said...

that was great. i love the pull top egg. they'd be so much easier to open that way! much less messy too

Beth said...

Okay, this post is both timely and brilliant. I’m like a broken record but yet again, I love how your mind works!
(A dull, boring but true household hint – the best way to remove a piece of eggshell from the yucky egg goop is with another piece of eggshell. Go figure…)

lime said...

ok, you worry about the chickens laying something egg shaped and how painful that is but then you want them to lay square eggs??? owowowow

VE said...

mrsupole - Your cat must think you're nuts! Remember...avoid the steaming brown eggs...

reyjr - Yeah...they're really having an architecture field day over by Dubai; lots of radically designed buildings in that area of the world...

marianna - Leave it to the Japanes to square something for convenience...

dalton - No...but when has humankind ever been concerned about the feelings of a chicken?

deb - Ha! I'm worried because you should never put your eggs in one basket. I always wheel three or four around the store when I go shopping. The check out guy hates me!

matt-man - Well at least you admit it! You can relax, did you see the post on Tuesday?

candie - I make a lot more sense on other planets!

brian - Thanks. Funny how brown eggs can be the same but not. I wonder if Stevie Wonder can tell the difference?

subtorp77 - Sorry I'm making you rethink your cuisine...

janna - Oh that's what it is. Does Satan only extrude snot over the holidays? Is that just to get back at God?

wings - Ha! It's not the first time I've been told that!

Jaime - Eggs need to wake up and be more practical for us to consume (well that wake up part is just figurative...)

beth - You're right! What is it about using 'one of its own' to fetch the lost egg shell?

lime - Yeah...as with most profit making endeavors...there is no common sense there...

freetheunicorns said...

Egg nog is disgusting. And I agree, where the hell does the salad part of egg salad sandwich come from? To me, it's ridiculous. And also gross.

One thing I do love about eggs is throwing them. Let's just say I've egged a person, place or thing a few times in my day.

Gladys said...

Great Post!

I have always wondered about Egg Beaters. I mean were they bad? Is that why they were beaten? Were they mugged and beaten? I just don't understand. Oh and the fact they come in little milk carton containers is just wrong. Do you know how easy it is to mistake a carton of beaten eggs for a small carton of cream? yeah it tastes really bad in your coffee.

The Incredible Woody said...

This has been very hen-tertaining.

VE said...

freetheunicorns - Throwing eggs...good callout. Who hasn't done a bit of that? I'm suspecting you've done more than your bit...

gladys - Egg Beaters! Ha! I'm sure there's some Politically correct support group out there telling them to stop the beatings! That doesn't sound good to put in your coffee. Another reason why I don't drink the stuff! Coffee I mean, not egg beaters...

Mike said...

Does it make me bad to enjoy the egg even more if you see that little red veiny dot of the embryo actually making it just a little bit?

Elizabeth said...

Thanks to Janna's comment I will never be able to eat eggs again!

Quirkyloon said...

Too funny VE!

"The incredible edible egg!"

Although....I was waiting for something about the....PED egg!


heh heh

moooooog35 said...

You had me at 'big brown turd.'

No reason.

VE said...

mike - Thanks a lot; I was actually enjoying eating eggs while reading your comment. Now...not so much.

elizabeth - I don't think the egg industry will be hiring her for PR work...

quirky - You goof! I guess I could go on and on about eggs. There are just so many wacky things to cover!

moooooog35 - I tell ya...if I'm writing about turds or farts or something...you and Mike are on it like flies! hahaha No reason...

ReformingGeek said...

Turds? That's funny. I love the egg building and that dress, I'm saving my money for that!

Ha!

Not only do the chickens have to grunt and lay those funny-shaped things but then someone comes and takes them away. Get PETA on the line!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

My Uncle has chickens that lay green eggs. I could never eat them they freaked me out.

Ronda Laveen said...

VE: Do you think the Egg McMuffin dress will look good on fat girls? Just want a mans opinion...I'm considering.

Speaking of eating embryos, have you been to reyjr's site yet. If not, you must gooooooo!

leelee said...

Ha..I really like the poptop egg and that city is amazing. You'd have to be quite a egg-centric to wear that silly breakfast outfit though..

HUGS!!

VE said...

reforminggeek - I knew you were going to want that dress; especially that piece of bacon or toast or whatever the hell she is wearing on her head. Who wouldn't want to wear breakfast all day?

perpetual - You should buy some ham...you've got yourself a complete Dr. Suess scenario right there!

ronda - I haven't been out and about yet today on the theme. I'll get around to it later today. Meanwhile...you realize you're asking the classic "Do I look fat in this?" question? Men know better than to answer such things!

leelee - Isn't it funny how different times would have seen that pop top differently? 40 years ago it would have been a spot to put a punch top opener into like you used to have to do with tomato juice or Hi-C. Then it would have been pull tabs that you then threw away and now it is self-contained pull tabs.

Nessa said...

I want the dress.

Jeff said...

I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me what the hell eggs have to do with Easter.

VE said...

ness - Ok, but it's high in colestural!

jeff - And I want to know what the bunny has to do with Easter...

unfinishedrambler said...

Eggnog: I don't know and I don't care if it's part of the egg, but it's essential holiday drink, especially with rum and nutmeg. Wait a minute, I don't remember there being any part of a nut that has a "meg" in it. Hmmmm....

Serena said...

When it comes to eggnog and brown eggs and such, my sentiments eggzactly.

Dakota Bear said...

This had me laughing, I like the egg city, I wonder how long it took to put it together.

Baino said...

Brilliant as usual. Did you know that wombats do cubed shaped poo . . .maybe it's the cloaca we should be reshaping rather than the egg!

Megan said...

I had a comment and then Baino's comment pushed it right out of my head!

California Girl said...

this is one comprehensive study on the subject. great images.

nursemyra said...

how come you didn't mention vibrating eggs?

VE said...

unfinished rambler - Good point on the nutmeg. That whole holiday process is confusing eggnog & nutmeg.

serena - Eggnog is not something I partake of!

dakota - I wonder how many were broken trying to put it together...

baino - Wow, I didn't know that! Square poop huh? Sounds painful...

megan - Same here!

california girl - Thanks and welcome

nursemyra - Hey, you're back! Hope the move was good. I have no idea why I didn't bring them up. I missed a number of things even with a ridiculously long post...

Kurt said...

You get the award for the most comprehensive egg post.

VE said...

kurt - Cool! Does that make me the eggspert?

Maureen said...

Har! Yeah, a pull tab would be cool, but pity the poor chicken who has to pass THAT!

And yes, at this time of year, I am the one blowing out eggs to decorate. We have accumulated quite a collection over the years. Luckily, we are not in an earthquake zone.

VE said...

maureen - Have fun with the egg decorating!

Cuppa Jo said...

I ask the same question about women who birth babies. That human shape can't feel good passing out of that itty-bitty hole.

Did you by chance see an episode of 'Monk' where a scientist developed a square tomato? Monk was very excited since there was no waste on his sandwiches.

I've mentioned this once already on someone else's blog, but I think it fits, so here it goes: The Ooh-Ahh bird is so called because it lays square eggs.

I always thought the brown eggs more interesting than the white one. Mmm, interesting.

I only drink egg nog when there's no eggs in it. Drinking eggs is wrong, even before I became a vegan.

That's a crazy @ss city!

VE said...

cuppa jo - Ha! Yes, the whole birthing thing doesn't sound optimal. How come we don't come in a nice tapered shell?

Kris said...

All the hip and cool kids are eating eggs these days.

Auntie, aka Dog Girl said...

I am comment #48, so you won't even read this one:
I don't know what the hell you've been smoking...but I want some.

VE said...

kris - Good protien, those eggs...

auntie - I always read EVERY comment! Sometimes I seem to miss some but I do catch up! That's one thing you'll find about my blog; I always comment back. And I've been smoking some square eggs apparently...