Happy Earth Day

The first Earth Day, in 1970, was named after the best Cat Woman in the schlocky Batman TV series, Eartha Kitt. Yeah, Julie Newmar was hot, but Eartha was somehow hotter. On that day, the hippies and environmentals collided, and debated endlessly on the topic of global cooling vs. global warming, and what to do about it. Since the data available at that time showed a cooling trend, they chose global warming after a coin flip. Eartha won the toss. She was arguably hotter. "Eartha Day" was misspelled in a Washington Post article, and "Earth Day" was born.

Ever since those ancient times, many human beans have taken up the flag of Warming while rejecting Cooling. This is patently unfair, because we, as civil people, require the combination of WC and what it stands for, if only for sanitary reasons.

Stay with me. I'm being honest with my earthbound earthboundaries.

Looky, we already have the following days to commemorate important stuff, for example:
Moon Day is celebrated weekly and everyone hates it when the alarm clock jumps up and bangs your ears around a bit at 7AM.

Tuesday was named for Ms. Weld. It was almost named "Sandra Dee Day" but it sounded too much like "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah Day" and all Americans were repentant racists at that time.

Wednesday Addams. Too obvious.

Thursday was named for Thurston Howell III. He bribed the cameraman to take him off the uncharted desert isle, leaving the rest of the cast standing with mouths agape on the shores of Gilligan.

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Friday was named for Jack Webb. (Note that there is no day of the week called Gannon.)

Saturday. Originally named to worship the Roman god Saturn, some wag dropped the 'n,' leaving us with a turd right in the middle of one of the greatest days ever invented (see below).

Sun Day is also celebrated as a day to mow the weeds that you put off yesterday, known to the heathens as Sitting and Drinking Beer Day. Because of Sunday, the previous day is now known as Sat your butt down Day, abbreviated as "Sat."

So now we're back to Earth Day. Assuming everyone bought their Hallmark cards, what to do with them? Address them to Momma Earth. Where to mail them? Dig a hole in your back yard and bury it with a coupla dollars for gas money. After all, Earth deserves it, especially after all she's given you, and this is just one small way to give it back. Don't expect her to acknowledge it, or even send a thank you note. When it comes down to it, she's just another selfish petulant bitch who can kick your ass without warning.

Happy Earth Day!