Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Happy Earth Day

The first Earth Day, in 1970, was named after the best Cat Woman in the schlocky Batman TV series, Eartha Kitt. Yeah, Julie Newmar was hot, but Eartha was somehow hotter. On that day, the hippies and environmentals collided, and debated endlessly on the topic of global cooling vs. global warming, and what to do about it. Since the data available at that time showed a cooling trend, they chose global warming after a coin flip. Eartha won the toss. She was arguably hotter. "Eartha Day" was misspelled in a Washington Post article, and "Earth Day" was born.

Ever since those ancient times, many human beans have taken up the flag of Warming while rejecting Cooling. This is patently unfair, because we, as civil people, require the combination of WC and what it stands for, if only for sanitary reasons.

Stay with me. I'm being honest with my earthbound earthboundaries.

Looky, we already have the following days to commemorate important stuff, for example:
Moon Day is celebrated weekly and everyone hates it when the alarm clock jumps up and bangs your ears around a bit at 7AM.

Tuesday was named for Ms. Weld. It was almost named "Sandra Dee Day" but it sounded too much like "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah Day" and all Americans were repentant racists at that time.

Wednesday Addams. Too obvious.
Thursday was named for Thurston Howell III. He bribed the cameraman to take him off the uncharted desert isle, leaving the rest of the cast standing with mouths agape on the shores of Gilligan.
Friday was named for Jack Webb. (Note that there is no day of the week called Gannon.)

Saturday. Originally named to worship the Roman god Saturn, some wag dropped the 'n,' leaving us with a turd right in the middle of one of the greatest days ever invented (see below).
Sun Day is also celebrated as a day to mow the weeds that you put off yesterday, known to the heathens as Sitting and Drinking Beer Day. Because of Sunday, the previous day is now known as Sat your butt down Day, abbreviated as "Sat."

So now we're back to Earth Day. Assuming everyone bought their Hallmark cards, what to do with them? Address them to Momma Earth. Where to mail them? Dig a hole in your back yard and bury it with a coupla dollars for gas money. After all, Earth deserves it, especially after all she's given you, and this is just one small way to give it back. Don't expect her to acknowledge it, or even send a thank you note. When it comes down to it, she's just another selfish petulant bitch who can kick your ass without warning.

Happy Earth Day!


Beth said...

Happy Earth Day back at ya!
Your irreverence is – as usual – a breath of (fresh?) air!

lime said...

eartha kitt rocked. she just had the purrrfect voice and demeanor for it.

and it is interesting to note that 35 years ago they were indeed screaming about the possibility of the next ice age.

I Am Woody said...

You nailed how I spent my Sunday. How'd you know?

Dee said...

I didn't know Eartha Kitt passed away--for four months I have been blithely assuming she was still strutting her stuff on this earth!

Anonymous said...

What about today VE? Where did that name come from I wonder?

Gladys said...

Why are there 7 days and not 8 or 6? Why do we celebrate Earth day and not ERATH day? (Erath is a county in Texas Why is there a huge article on MSN about what the Earth will be like in the year 2100. Does anyone else remember the song In the Year 2525? Well if the Earth is over in 2121 why are they singing about 2525? Could you dissect that song for us? Or maybe Stairway to Heaven.

I gotta go dig up 143 ferns and replant them into a cooler climate. I'll be back later for your answers. Now what did I do with my Nuclear Waste Fertilizer?

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

Hey... who you calling a bean?

I'm celebrating Earth Day by making a delicious mud pie.

Anonymous said...

Human beans? Ha!

beans beans the magical fruit
the more you eat'em the more you toot!

Toooot tooooot! It's earth day everybody!!!

Thanks VE for a fitting tribute to the mother of all things gaseous.

heh heh

Elizabeth said...

Ya, I'd like mother earth a lot better if she'd get rid of the 10 feet of snow in my front yard!! Come on, it's almost May! She gets no card from me!

Jaime said...

i sent mama earth a card last year. it was returned to sender. she's not getting a thing from me this year. so ungrateful.

Kurt said...

I thought it was Administrative Professionals Day.

ReformingGeek said...

I like human beans. Stick us in the ground and we'll grow. Oops. That doesn't quite work doesn't it?

Poor Eartha missed out on her day.

I truly believe Mother Nature is much more cruel that Mother Earth!

VE said...

beth - I have VE Breath, and I'm proud.

lime - She was also the inspiration for the Slinky.

incredible woody - Your lawn gnomes talk to my lawn gnomes.

gc - Consider yourself blessed... you had four more months of Eartha than the rest of us.

freetheunicorns - The first Earth Day was in 1970. It was named for Gaia's nickname.

gladys - Questions, questions, questions. Okay, here we go, in the order you axed them: the calendar should be changed to metric; I don't celebrate, so 'we' is erroneous; MSN, heh, really; Zager & Evans; I dunno, babs; and yes I could.

jeff - Earth Day is the only day of the year that I litter.

quirkyloon - I smell sulpher...

elizabeth - Mother Earth put it there, but Father Time will take it away. *gag* Can't believe I just said that.

jaime - To Mother Earth, humans are nothing more than farts in the wind.

kurt - People celebrate paper pushers? Dang.

reforminggeek - We'll grow... moldy. And you have a point. Mother Earth is kinda dull when you think about it, but BigMomma Nature is definitely schizophrenic.

Anonymous said...

Oooh! Gladys may be on to something! 2525 is such a depressing tune. As for the Led Zep..oh pleeeaaase disect that one, VE! I know you wanna. Oh yeah, happy E.A.R.T.H. day!

Nessa said...

I plan to give back to Mother Earth when I die.

VE said...

subtorp77 - Dread Zeppelin was a great band. Elvis sings Led Zeppelin to a reggae beat. I'm not making that up... they're a real band. SWTH dissection tools are being prepared and the lab is currently undergoing preparatory sterilization.

nessa - Be sure to bring your receipt.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I had never noticed that there was a turd in the middle of Saturday before! Your so observant ve.

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - I thank God for my extra chromosome.

Serena said...

So that's how that all came about. Good to know. Glad your gnomes have cleared out and you're back in action.

VE said...

serena - I was fighting a VMUNDO infestation that dropped a bunch of other nastiness on me. I had to quarantine the computer from the internet for a while to avoid VMUNDO giving me more presents.

Janna said...

Ok... I buried the Earth Day cards in my back yard, along with the gas money you suggested, but it got returned because of insufficient postage.

Should I curse the mailman, or the earth, or both?

I think I'm going with "mailman", since the money seems to be missing.

VE said...

janna - WORMS! I'll bet you those slimy little unscrupulous bastards ate it. I just checked, and they took mine, too. I'm guessing they were watching me bury it from the bushes. The mailman is innocent.

Janna said...

Well, that does explain why all the worms in my back yard are wearing designer watches now.

They're really tiny watches, but still...

GAB said...

Happy Earth Day and I think I resent that comment. Im pretty sure Im not another selfish bitch. LMAO.

Anonymous said...

VE, I knew dat mon! Unfortunately dey turn to disco sound an' fade out mon!( I tink by '95 dey break up mon ).

Dalton J. Fox said...

Thanks for the history lesson, VE. I had no idea Earth Day was named for Eartha Kitt. I was pretty certain that Wednesday was named after Wednesday Adams though.

VE said...

gab - Nope. You only sent it once. I'm glad that you're pretty sure. VE does not cast aspersions on anyone except when VE does. ;)

subtorp77 - You disparage Tortelvis? Blastphemy, mon. Their version of "Black Dog" rocksteady wit de riddim, mon. Try Marley's "Stir It Up" wit de rock LZ, mon. Fade.

dalton j fox - Neither did I. When I was a lower case ve, I thought it was connected with the Eyeth, Noseth, and Throatth Days. Earth Day completed the quadrumvirates.

Anonymous said...

Heh! Someone else has heard Dread Zeppelin! VE, your description is accurate; somehow it kinda works. Mrs. Strutts hates 'em, but I thought they were hilarious.

Y'all might wanna check out Jonathan and Darlene Edwards. Never heard anyone sing so precisely off-key.

VE said...

Bunk - The gnomes have ears.

Megan said...


Love it!

Best Earth Day Post of the Day, VE!

Alex L said...

Earth day? I don't see what Australia has to do with the earth...

VE said...

megan - Thanky muchy. Maybe next year I'll post two.

alex l - It has everything to do with non-sequiturs. Australia is a benevolent fungus, unlike artificial eyegorp with Illinois spread wood.

Ronda Laveen said...

I thought Frieday was named after Timothy Leary, Jeff Spiccoli, and Cheech and Chong. As it is the eve of Sunday eve, it starts the magical prgression that leads to smoke your weed day. I mean mow your weed day.

Anne said...

I didn't know that about Thursday. Better go change my kid's homework paper.

leelee said...

Your blog is the new Wikipedia..


Maureen said...

Typical. Chop down all the trees, manufacture cards and then bury them. Fitting gift to Mother Earth from idiots like us...

Mrsupole said...

Hippy dirt day too yu two.

God bless.

VE said...

rhonda laveen, anne, leelee, maureen, mrsupole, and others too many to mention -
Let's end this thread on a happy note:

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