Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Miami VE (as cool as Miami Vice but without the budget)

All righty then...let's get on with the vacation. We'll devote the bulk of this week to it and then back to our regularly scheduled nonsense next week.

Of course before we debarked on our cruise and then again before we headed home we had to check out Miami. Arriving late thanks to our fabulous airline industry and their tireless efficiencies at maximizing irritation on the part of their passengers we didn’t get into their fabulously drab airport until 12:30am.

Grabbing a cab I joked that at least the traffic would be easy. I was wrong. It was nearly 1:00am and we were in a bumper-to-bumper traffic jam with every tricked out vehicle on the planet. I counted…they were all there.

But that’s South Beach, FL! The place is packed almost non-stop. For a couple hours in the wee morning they stop to hose out all the vomit, condoms, trash, bottles and drunken tourists into the street and then a street sweeper comes along and picks it all up. Then it starts all over again.
Of course Miami is on a beach. I can’t figure out why a giant tsunami hasn’t turned it into the next Atlantis or some class 84 hurricane hasn’t relocated it to Georgia yet. Atlanta could use a little Cuban influence…


We stayed at the heart of the Art-Deco district right on Ocean Blvd. In fact, it was nearly next to where the Italian designer Versace’s home was where he was shot coming from breakfast at the News CafĂ© (yeah…we had breakfast there because we love the morbid…).


This place is one of the people watching capitols of the entire world….with popular clubs like Mango’s to partake of fruity rum drinks as big as an aquarium.

Now the hotel we stayed in was wild. It was definitely Austin Powers meets I Dream of Jeannie.


Of course, I didn’t actually have Barbara Eden wearing one of those skimpy Sultan outfits begging me by saying “oh master…” Then again, I was on my honeymoon so I’m sure the wifey-poo could improv quite nicely…


Walking around I noticed a Ferrari going one way and a Lamborghini going the other. I was concerned we weren’t quite fitting in. I immediately headed over to No-Budget Rental Cars to pick up a ridiculously impractical exotic sports car for the day. No-Budget is a niche branch of Budget designed specifically for rich stupid people and peer-pressure saps like me. $8,000 a day was a fair price to pay to fit in…

Next up: VE of the Caribbean

47 comments:

Jacki said...

Ahhh....the lifestyle of the Rich and Famous. Must be nice.

Looking forward to your pics from the Caribbean! I am trying to convince Peter that next year we need to go to Patagonia, but he isn't so convinced yet.

moooooog35 said...

I went to Chuck E. Cheese and the mall this weekend.

Thanks for rubbing that shit in.

VE said...

jacki - Patagonia, eh? I haven't even been there...only as far South as Beunos Aires and Santiago. I'm sure you'll kick in those female convincing skills when the time is right! Poor Peter, he won't even see it coming...

moooooog35 - You know though, the mall has about as many people as South Beach...they're just not hot and half naked and ready to party! But be thankful of that too...you don't want mall people in that state of mind...

The Incredible Woody said...

You sure it wasn't really an aquarium you were drinking from?

ReformingGeek said...

What? Don't you watch CSI: Miami?

You are so right about that airport. Drab is an understatement.

Nice pics and I'm glad you didn't have any "drama" this trip. Maybe the new wifey-poo is changing your luck!

VE said...

incredible woody - You mean those big chunks weren't actually fruit?

reforminggeek - I think the wifey-poo is cancelling out all my bad luck events. It sure saves on medical bills...

Quirkyloon said...

Nice car rental! Ha!

Gladys said...

Do they still have the topless hot dog vendors?

Kurt said...

I'm having a hard time determining what's real and what's google images. Is that really your rental car?

Gnomeself Be True said...

All I can think of is how butt-ugly that car is.
Please tell me you didn't actually pay for that. Surely that's just something you snapped on the side of the road.

Well, happy honeymoon anyway.

Marriage is just your way of saying you had too much money and freedom.

VE said...

quirky - Only the dumbest of us can drive around in something like this!

gladys - I didn't see them...but they did have dogless top hat vendors!

kurt - No google images this time! Actually, the car was parked right in front of Versace's place and created quite a stir. It's a spyder. I have no idea what that means. Some rich Cuban and his gold digging girlfriend got into it later in the day...

gnomeself be true - Don't worry...refer to my comments to Kurt above. As I say about marriage...choose wisely...

Elizabeth said...

Wow, the view from your hotel room is beautiful. And that furniture is a kick.
I need "to partake of fruity rum drinks as big as an aquarium" today.

VE said...

elizabeth - That's a good plan!

leelee said...

Hold up....I can't even read this post because I CANNOT believe you were here and didn't let me know...I could have given you a whirlwind tour...I am beyond disappointed.

hugs anyway..

leelee said...

ok..you were on your honeymoon, but STILL!! We could have met at Joe's Stone Crab...

hugs!

Maureen said...

I'm not commenting anymore because I'm now afraid it really isn't you.

Oh crap. That didn't work...

VE said...

leelee - Are you close to Miami? I actually thought you weren't that close or I would have tried to connect up. Ok...next time for sure. Remember, I travel pretty regularly.

maureen - Why just for that, I'm gonna dis Star Wars! See...that's me...

leelee said...

VE..I'm right in Hollywood...just South of Ft Lauderdale...20 mins from South Beach..

PLEASE do get in touch next time you come thru!


HUGS!!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Now I don't believe you write any of your own posts.

Sarah said...

I hope you took advantage of the opportunity to wear a neon shirt with white pants while you were there. Not many places you can get away with that ensemble besides Miami.

Jaime said...

why can't i get a job where someone paid me 8 grand to drive around in nice cars?

VE said...

leelee - That is close. Don't forget the hour extra time to travel the 20 block to actually get to Ocean Blvd though...particularly at 1am on a Sunday morning!

perpetual chocoholic - Wait a minute, I'm not sure I believe you wrote that comment; I think it's a computer program. Have you noticed how each comment you leave has letters and words and sentences? Coincidence? I think not!

Sarah - Does it count if I wore fluorescent orange underwear with my sheen white pants even though my shirt was a bit drab, colorwise?

jaime - Because you haven't applied to Road and Track or Car and Driver yet! I'm sure they have dozens of positions in their Exotic Car Reviewer division just waiting...

leelee said...

never you mind about that...I know the back roads!

HUGS!

VE said...

leelee - Ha! I should have known. I'm a master of short cuts here in town. I know exactly when to go the opposite way in order to avoid a specific traffic snag. I've even incorporated parking lots and u turns into my time-saving paths...

colbymarshall said...

I love me some Miami...I also love that purple lounge...um...thing.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Mango's is awesome. Great drinks, crazy dancers. did you get up there and sweat it out?

nursemyra said...

your wife looks pretty hot ;-)

Serena said...

Based on the pics, I'd say you had a great time. And that's only the first leg of the trip. I can't wait to hear and see what came next.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

I love the morbid, too. One of my favorite things to do is take black & white photos of interesting graves. I'm still trying to get to NM to take a photo of Billy the Kid's grave.

I like the car, too. Looks like you'd have to be a yogi to fit in it, though!

VE said...

colbymarshall - I think that is the technical term...purpal lounge um thing. I like to refer to it as cubed Barney...

self-deprechaun - You bet; I even put on one of those crazy outfits. They don't seem to fit the male physic the same...

nursemyra - That's why I married her!

serena - Given the average blogger has the attention span of a gnat (me included) you know how I like to drag it out for several days. That way people will read me secret coded messages in the middle of a post...

arizona - My father is a conisseur of cemetaries. I learned to drive a car in a cemetary...

Janna said...

Wow, look at all that sand and blue ocean and all the palm trees and drunken tourists and furniture of questionable usefulness.

I'm so poor that my vacations usually involve walking out to the back yard, then walking back inside again.

Please tell me you brought back cool tacky cheap souvenirs for all of us.

VE said...

janna - Well sounds like your vacation involves very little packing. That's always a good thing!

And as far as tack cheap souvenirs if by 'all of us'you mean my two kids, then YES! Key chains and lapel pins for them. Postcards for me.

Megan said...

I made the mistake of showing the car picture to the car geek offspring. I'm pretending to listen to him tell me all about it right now...

VE said...

megan - Yeah...there was a time that I would have been right there with him; I lost that interest somewhere. Now I have no idea what that car even is...

Baino said...

Looks like our "Gold Coast" tall buildings and a beach strip (metaphorically speaking) I went into the Versace Hotel foyer up there once but was ejected for being improperly dressed. They don't like rubber thongs in posh hotels. Make of that what you will!

Ronda Laveen said...

"For a couple hours in the wee morning they stop to hose out all the vomit, condoms, trash, bottles and drunken tourists into the street and then a street sweeper comes along and picks it all up. Then it starts all over again."...sounds like EVERY DAY at my house.

Is that VE is see at Mango's table dancing? I think so!

VE said...

baino - Ha! You can wear a rubber thong at some of those clubs all night long! Yes...I went there...

ronda - Those rumors can neither be denied or confirmed. There is no solid evidence I did the white man's overbite dance at all.

Wow said...

Why do the fancy sports cars narrow down their colors to red and black?

VE said...

wow - They get down to the basic elements: Either red for "look at me" or black for "don't look at me"

Dalton J. Fox said...

So, they just throw the drunken tourists right in with the condoms, vomit, trash, etc, huh?

Note to self: stay sober if ever in South Beach.

teeni said...

Congrats on the honeymoon (which I assume means a wedding happened previous to it)! LOL.

VE said...

dalton - Always bring a friend. Friends don't let friends get hosed out into the street...

teeni - There was a wedding but it was last July. And it was small as it was my second. I'm done paying a bunch of money for that!

Carla said...

Sounds like a blast. And yes, ridiculous car. :-)

Mrsupole said...

I knew that was you on the beach. I just cannot figure out how I knew that. Yes, you look like you were having fun while there.

But if that car was painted a different color then it might not have looked so ugly. That traffic sounds like what we have here. All hours of the day or night there is someone driving on those freeways. Oh yeah, that is me driving on them too, or how would I know they are packed.

God bless.

VE said...

carla - But you could be cruising that around town; you'd be the boss!

mrsupole - You seem to catch me on those microscopic shots; you might have your glasses persprecption checked...

Anne said...

love the rental car!

VE said...

anne - Hate the bill...