Monday, April 27, 2009

VE's Rules For Success

There have been times in my life when I could have used some good advice. For example, I would have been able to avoid plenty of distress years ago if only someone had told me "VE, it might be a bad idea to eat a cheese omelet, clam chowder, and a chocolate milkshake right after getting drunk."

Or, "VE, you might not want to brush your teeth in Hong Kong using the tap water."

Or, "VE, are you really sure you want to wipe your ass with poison oak leaves?"

Times are tough these days, and people need good advice more than ever. With that in mind, I've decided to offer some handy tips to help you succeed. In today's troubled economy, these gems should prove to be especially enlightening:







35 comments:

freetheunicorns said...

I would definitely pay to see that guy kick himself in the head. And to see you eat a cheese omelet, clam chowder and chocolate shake while drunk.

nursemyra said...

what the #@%^&*? is that last image?

The Incredible Woody said...

Drunks never listen! I tried to tell my cute little college-age niece that drinking beer all day in 90+ degree heat and then scarfing down a corndog like there was no tomorrow probably wasn't such a good idea. It didn't end pretty!!

moooooog35 said...

I don't recall getting your expressed, written consent to use my picture.

That cabbage cost me money.

Gladys said...

My daddy is good at giving advice. The main one he always told me don't shit where you eat or you end up eating shit.

Cabbage? What about that banana? I don't want either. ;)

Quirkyloon said...

Whilst pooping and spicy diarrhea?

Classic VE lines!

And can I use them sometime? Purdy please? Hey like you said, times are tough...we bloggers need to stick together and help each other out when we are blog word-constipated!

VE you're a GEM! ha!

Candie Bracci said...

LOL :D

DouglasDyer said...

I wonder how much that first guy would charge to kick that last guy in the head? Whatever it is, I'll pay it and leave a tip.

Elizabeth said...

I'd kick him in the head for free! And how'd that guy get the cabbage to stay on there like that I wonder.

ReformingGeek said...

I can tell you that the cheese omelet, clam chowder, and the chocolate milkshake would at least NOT cause spicy diarrhea but might make one feel the urge to undress and put cabbages on ones chest.

Feeling better now, VE?

Jaime said...

no amount of advice helps when you're too drunk to listen...

lime said...

that example of good communications ought to be sent to passive aggressive notes.come...or is that where you gound it. what a hoot.

Jacki said...

Ummm....hhmm...not sure about getting a hug from that person.

VE said...

freetheunicorns: It's not a pretty sight...

nurse myra: Apparently someplace with cabbage to spare!

incredible woody: ah, college...

moooooog35: Does this mean I won't be getting any more hugs?

gladys: well, given a choice, I guess I'd rather eat the cabbage than the banana...

quirky: Blog word constipated? Do they make blog metamucil? (I found the picture online, so feel free to use it all you want...)

candie: by "LOL", you meant "Let's Offend Lepers," right? or "Lean On Larry"?

douglas: Make sure to get your free hug BEFORE he gets kicked...

elizabeth: He must have access to some curiously sticky substance we're probably better off not knowing about.

reforminggeek: The omelet-chowder-milkshake thing happened years ago but I still shudder at the thought.

jaime: true!

lime: I like the pen they decided to use. ;)

jacki: You'll never know unless you try!

Janna said...

Poison oak leaves?
Really?

Jeff said...

I'm pretty sure the only way anyone would eat a cheese omelet, clam chowder and a chocolate milkshake in one sitting is if they were totally plastered.

VE said...

janna: It's the gift that keeps on giving!

jeff: or insane...

Mrs. R said...

Your idea is good in theory, but in practicality, some people are simply unable to mentally process good advice. Like the people in these pictures...

VE said...

Mrs. R: Well, that first guy might be able to process advice if he would just stop kicking himself in the head...

Serena said...

I feel that first guy's pain. And just for the record, I ain't eating cabbage any more.:)

VE said...

serena: there might be some leftover pizza in that computer box there...

Megan said...

Yeah, not asking you for advice any time soon...

Dalton J. Fox said...

My computer didn't come with pizza. I feel cheated.

Janna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alex L said...

Spicy diarrhea... thats um... wow.

Ronda Laveen said...

I don't think Cole "Slaw" Cabbage is gonna be able to give ANY hugs away. He better start ponying up some extra large green out of his pocket (?) if he wants any takers.

So why is no one pay the extra dime for the elbow to the groin. I'm in for a buck.

Chris Wood said...

That kick idea gives me a great way to improve my living standards!

Have you read the Holmes yet?

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

ewww!

Kurt said...

I will pass on that hug.

kathcom said...

Hey, I think I know that guy-- all the kicking in the head caused him to deck himself out with cabbage and give free hugs.

Also, watching yourself poop spicy diarrhea--yum.

You are always in my heart.

VE said...

megan: It's free, whether you ask or not. Sort of like spam...

dalton: was it at least ready in 30 minutes or less?

alex: descriptive, isn't it?

ronda: I'd rather stick with the cabbage instead of waiting to see what he pulls out of his pocket...

chris: how much will you charge per kick?

perpetual chocoholic: By 'ewww,' I assume you mean "wow, what great advice!"

kurt: how about the elbow to the groin?

kathcom: I guess spicy diarrhea might be better than an elbow to the groin...

Mrsupole said...

Okay, I will leave comments for whoever wrote this.

Please let me know where to send my 35 cents. And I would give a dollar, hell ten dollars to see this guy hug the cabbage guy. But I really doubt that he would hug the cabbage guy anymore than the rest of us would hug the cabbage guy. Heck I would pay him not to hug me.

And spicy diarrhea, I feel so sorry for whoever had to go in there after this person. Yup, really sorry.

God bless.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

Ok, the cabbage leaves tell me that that guy is having a problem with breastmilk leaking from his breasts. I don't see any wetness on his lovely red nutsack, so they must've worked....

VE said...

mrsupole - I'm sure Janna has all the appropriate contact information! ;)

arizona - Fixated on the lovely red nutsack are we? ;)

Carla said...

I can give you a list of places where you'd best not use the tap water. Not sure free hug is what I'd want. Hmmm...