Friday, May 08, 2009

Let's Charge the Airlines Right Back!

I was at the airport checking in my bag and they wanted $50 for our two bags. Oh yeah, they’d implemented actually charging everyone for their checked in bags since I last flew. Let’s see if I have this all right:

$8/hr for parking
$25 for each checked piece of luggage
$25 for any bag over 50lbs
$10 for reserving your seat assignment in advance (some airlines)
$8 for a crappy food item on the plane
$2 for headphones to listen to TV on the plane

They’ve already eliminated the pillows and blankets. What’s next? Charging to use the bathroom on the plane? Charging for the onboard drink they serve? Charging to use the overhead compartment?

It’s time for revolution, people!

Time to join CROC (Customers Revolting Over Costs).

Two can play this game. It’s time to start charging THEM for petty items as well. We’ll see who comes out on top then. Here’s how I see it going down…

“Well Mr. VE; that will be $305 for the round trip ticket, $10 for the advance seats, $25 for your luggage bringing the total to $340. How would you like to pay for that?”

“Not so fast. I have a few charges of my own in accordance with the CROC Fair Play Act of 2010.”

“Very well, what do you have?”

“I have these:

$40 for the pain and suffering during my strip search at security

$20 for having to find my own inconvenient overhead location due to lack of overhead space on your part

$20 for being forced to wait until the last group boarded and then to have to stand in line for 17 minutes

$60 credit from my last flight for a 42 minute delay whilst my connecting plane circled the runway due to overcrowding

$100 credit from my last flight due to delays forcing me to miss my connecting flight and your lack of ability to have a backup up plan that landed me in your overnight hotel

$75 credit for losing my luggage on my last flight and forcing me to wear my travel clothes for two days whilst you tried to find them

$15 credit from my last flight for moving my departing gate at the last minute

$10 for pain and suffering in having to read your in flight magazine without any other interesting offerings.”

“Ok, subtracting out CROC credits and fees of $340 it brings to total to zero. Looks like you’ll be flying with us for free today, Mr. VE”

THAT is the day I’ll look forward to!

52 comments:

Anne said...

and what a nice day that'll be, too!

hmm, i had 4 gate changes recently on one flight....

Roy Scribner said...

I missed my flight home yesterday, because the security line went out the door and down the sidewalk. It gave me time to have a beer, so it was almost a bonus. The airline that starts selling beer in the security line will be the winner.

moooooog35 said...

Airport strip searches make up 95% of the action I get.

Like I'm going to penalize them for that.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I think you're undercharging.

Jacki said...

Actually, Ryan Air over the Europe started considering charging a fee to pee. Not sure if they have implemented it or not, but they actually had news about it.

I think the airlines need to go the way of the auto makers. They have gotten way to big for their britches.

Quirkyloon said...

Whilst you post a copy of the CROC? I can't seem to find it anywhere on the interwebs.

(Nice use of the word "whilst.")

heh heh

Jaime said...

great idea. the gnomes must havw been working overtime on that one. they deserve a raise

Nessa said...

You are such a dreamer.

Gladys said...

VE I'm voting for you! I will move to whatever state you live in so I can.
Oh and...thank goodness they haven't started charging for the bathroom because then men will start doing what truck drivers do and use their Gatoraide bottles to pee in and they will litter the aisles like they do the highways.

VE said...

anee - You probably have more airline horror stories than me. You should have built up lifetime credits!

roy - They've got to come up with a new idea to address those security lines.

moooooog35 - They'll always have a private security room for you, my friend!

perpetual chocoholic - Probably, but that's the fun of it, we get to raise the rates on them!

jacki - They start charging to pee and they're going to have one messy airplane after flights!

quirkyloon - Just throwing in some of those poor unused words you worry about so much!

jaime - I just told them you think they're stupid and look silly in the hats! They're plotting their revenge on you now. It's great fun...

nessa - Dreamers are as dreamers do!

VE said...

gladys - Yes, I just pointed that out to Jacki too. If they start charging to pee, I'll be taking more advantage of the complimentary barf bag...which afterwards I'll gladly pass to the flight attendant...

Chris Wood said...

Flights in England are even more sophisticated. They DO charge you for drinks, also breathing, farting, for the priviledge of snoozing through the safety demonstration etc etc.

freetheunicorns said...

Last time I got strip searched, they charged me for it. What up with that?

Elizabeth said...

FIGHT THE POWER! DOWN WITH THE MAN!!
(I say we make signs and picket the airport).
:P

Beth said...

Add to the pain and suffering the abuse endured from fellow passengers - a little old lady gave me a fierce wallop to the chest while she was asleep (nightmare?) and later spilled her drink on me.
The airlines will end up owing us!

VE said...

chris - You guys are hard core. Remember, last time you imposed such regulations America was born...

freetheunicorns - Apparently your a liability, not an asset. I'd sue for defamation of character...

elizabeth - Sounds good...just don't bring any liquids...they'll confiscate them

beth - I'm designing special isolation seats so that you don't have to interact with your fellow passengers unless you want to through my inflight blog...

ReformingGeek said...

I think we need to charge for each time a flight attendant is rude to us.

That's a quick way for them to go broke!

VE said...

reforminggeek - Then they'd have to tear down all their secret hostile training camps they have out in the deserts...

Jeff said...

They can charge me for the bathroom all they want. I'll just make sure I bring an extra pair of pants - and then pee on the seat when nature calls. I'll just say I left my wallet in my other pants so I couldn't afford to use the bathroom.

VE said...

jeff - Yes...I'm pretty sure you're the reason why they haven't pursued the bathroom charge idea yet...

Mike said...

You might want to ease up on that croc of shit.

I mean, I don't want to force these assholes to skimp on airplane maintenance.

With your croc, the only guy fixing the entire fleet would be Juan, a Mexican bean farmer.

I'm never flying again!

Baino said...

Add the inconvenience fee for the smelly Christian Biker from Hell who keeps pinching your dessert and whom you have to sit next to for 18 hours from LA to Sydney . . .

Dee said...

you took the words right out of my mouth. I should have written this post.

Janna said...

If they won't give you the discount, you can always kick them and throw them in the path of an oncoming jet.

That's gotta be worth at least $79.95, right there.

VE said...

mike - I hear Juan is a master artist with duct tape though

baino - That's why the really long flights I like to fly in cargo. I bring a warm blanket...

dee - You should have! Then I could take it and post it anyway! ;)

janna - Well at least $50 watching the employee pee their pants should they manage to get out of the way of said jet...

Serena said...

This is why I no longer fly unless I absolutely, positively have to get there fast. Grrrrrr.

Jaime said...

i'm supposed to be afraid now, right?

VE said...

serena - If I didn't want to see most of the world I'd avoid it too...but it takes so long walking..

jaime - Perhaps...

nursemyra said...

I didn't even know airlines charged for headphones until my first trip to the states in 1999.

here in Oz you can fly qantas and get all the perks for "free" because you pay full price for your ticket.

or you can fly with jetstar for a cheaper rate and then pay for the extras you choose - meals, blankets, headphones.

If I'm only flying from sydney to melbourne I'll always take the cheapest option. Flying overseas, I prefer Singapore Airlines - their service is fantastic

Megan said...

I used to prefer to fly to Nor Cal instead of driving, but nowadays it takes just as long either way...

VE said...

nursemyra - Yeah, a lot of the non-USA airlines don't charge and actually have service. I flew Emirates to Dubai and Africa awhile back and it was a shock at how nice their planes and service were to ours

megan - That's pretty sad, isn't it?

Kurt said...

They should just charge the necessary price for the flight, with everything included. Flying is already a great deal.

Brian Miller said...

amazing idea...where can i sign up. snazzy membership cards?

Starrlight said...

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Roy's idea for the win!

Starrlight said...

Oh and due to scheduling issues, I get to pick my kid up from her trip back from DC next month - at midnight- and then we get to hang out at PDX until our flight to Hawaii the next morning at 6. Am I lucky or what?!

Dalton J. Fox said...

I'm betting if we play our cards right and use the CROC Fair Play Act of 2010 to its full potential, we could get it to where they actually pay us to fly.

Ronda Laveen said...

I also heard from a client of mine who just returned for a trip to D.C. that they (the airlines) ARE looking at the "pay toilet" concept. Is it true or urban myth? I'm not sure but it is one that continues to circulate.

That being the case, if it were my business:

Salty peanuts and pretzels, all non-alcoholic drinks (water, juice, and soda), Mexican (frijoles & salsa) or German (Sauerkraut & cabbage poop food) cuisine and fruit would be: FREE


Bathroom: PRICELESS!

Let us stop this CROC of S***!

Sarah said...

I used to love flying and now with all the added BS I cannot stand it anymore. They sucked all of the fun out of being strapped to a chair with no control of your fate thousands of feet above the ground. Friggin airline jerks! :p

VE said...

kurt - I agree with that!

brian - We'll have i-cards. They're intelligent. They say "you're being screwed" when they interpret charges to be too high or unfair.

starrlight - Beer always tips the scales of popular vote...

dalton - Good point, sign me up!

ronda - Ha, you know what a mess that plane would look like?

sarah - I know, I know. My first half a million miles I flew without missing a single connection ever. After that, I rarely do a trip that doesn't have a delay or missed connection or something.

colbymarshall said...

...not leaving home instead of flying--priceless.

VE said...

colby - True! Well, except that extra electric bill charge, the pizza delivery cost, and the munchies run to the store...

Mrs. R said...

Didn't realize it had been so long since you'd flown...yeah, it's getting ugly out there. Once we missed a connecting flight because the powers that be at our originating airport switched planes, and then switched gates, and then switched them all back for no apparent reason whatsoever except to kill 2 hours. When we finally arrived in our connecting airport, we had missed our flight not because it had left, but because we had missed the cuttoff for checked baggage by 10 minutes...

We need a working train system in this country.

Starrlight said...

"We need a working train system in this country."

THIS!

Jaime said...

have the gnomes forgiven me yet for insulting their hats? :)

VE said...

mrs r - This is why some people never leave their town

starrlight - Were you linking something about trains? I didn't see a link.

jaime - The thing about gnomes is...they never forgive. The good thing though is that they forget things. I believe they've forgotten already.

lime said...

amen brother. it's really gotten more than a bit ridiculous. it's like they are just herding cattle. actually, there are standards for herding cattle so the animal isn't abused or distressed...hhmm....

Starrlight said...

Nope just agreeing on the woeful lack of a decent rail systems. Dagny Taggert is not amused.

VE said...

lime - Yeah...but in the cattle case it always ends in death. Come to think of it...that happens to a flight occasionally too. Hmmm

starrlight - Yeah, it is kind of pathetic. I've been around Europe by rail and car and I must say that rail is the way to go.

Maureen said...

I was all hyped and eager to join your group... until you named it CROC.

I detest Crocs.

Please consider renaming it.

Otherwise, I shall have to start my own group entitled SPAC, Sane People Against Crocs.

VE said...

maureen - Of course you realize that by settling the dispute between CROC and SPAC somehow we're going to end up with CRAP!

Maureen said...

Bra-Vo!!!!

VE said...

maureen - Sorry...I don't wear a bra...