Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Opposite World

Last night I went to Opposite World. Opposite World isn’t a place where liquid is rock and rock is liquid. Daytime isn’t nighttime and visa-versa. No; it’s more subtle than that. In Opposite World perceptions and attitudes are what make it opposite.

And of course by going to opposite world universal protocols require that for every action there is a reaction and that simply means that as I was there, my opposite was here. Boy did he apparently piss the gnomes off! More on that in a bit.

My Trip

I guess the first thing that weirded me out was that my parents still lived together in opposite world. And they actually liked each other. Rather than inflict subtle missiles at each other through their child (me) like a pawn, they focused on their own growth and happiness. I washed my hands extra long when I left there…this might spread to our universe. Then where would we be? Happy? Uggh…

I found it amusing but in opposite world brands and companies competed for each person’s satisfaction with their customer service reputation through innovative features they would offer BEFORE you ever purchased anything. Were these actually publicly traded companies still?

There were physical changes to my city too. No, stop signs weren’t green and such nonsense. Instead, I found that the dumb bottlenecks of traffic patterns were figured out and actually rectified! Pot holes were fixed. Impossible to believe stuff like that.

There was a big emphasis on school and learning. Self improvement wasn’t a fad; it was a religion. Was I actually in a Star Trek TV show for idealists perhaps?

I wanted to check out my opposite's blog. I wanted to leave a comment on it. It turns out opposite VE doesn’t even have a home computer. He watches a ton of TV instead. Uggh! I don’t like this guy already. He probably liked candy with coconut and light beer. It’s time to head home!

His Trip

Upon my return he had convinced the gnomes that beards weren’t part of historical gnome tradition after all and got them to shave. They’re still pissed they were duped. Their getting some stubble back though so things should calm down in a few months.

On the positive side, my opposite is very anal with administration and did a wonderful job with my office filing. I don’t appreciate some of the shoddy do-it-yourself improvements he tried to do around the house though. I don’t think a plumbed beer tap next to the recliner will increase my resale value at all. And who said he could purchase tools? I don’t have tools! That would just set up expectations that I’m either competent or equipped for actual home projects. That’s something I want to avoid!

43 comments:

moooooog35 said...

I read the first sentence in your last paragraph as this:

"On the positive side, my opposite is very anal with administration and did a wonderful job with my orifice filling."

In my bizarro world, my opposite guy probably wouldn't have come up with that.

Ha.

I said 'come.'

The Incredible Woody said...

I wish your opposite self would visit me and do some of this damn filing!!

freetheunicorns said...

Damn opposite world promoting school, learning and togetherness. And what's up with the light beer thing or, more importantly, the lack of a blog?

On the positive side, burn on the gnomes.

Roy Scribner said...

Right, you got a groovy new beer tap next to the recliner but...it pours Bud Light! Pretty sure Mick Jagger did a song about this conundrum.

VE said...

moooooog35 - Imagine what opposite world would think of YOU when the two of you switches worlds!

incredible Woody - I'm pretty sure I could tempt mine back to finish off the light beer. I'll send him over...

freetheunicorns - Yes, the gnomes, I've been making "baby face" jokes at them for days now...

roy - That is a conundrum. Sort of like a big screen TV that only shows the Home Shopping Network or something...

Mike said...

In my opposite world, my double can turn less shit into more food.

Africans are no longer starving, thanks to not being picky.

Matt-Man said...

Man, opposite worls are just not good. In mine? Tyra Banks was still hot, but she had an IQ of 150. She threw her naked self upon me and I didn't like it, at all. Cheers!!

Quirkyloon said...

And was the little man saying,

"Da sub, da sub!"

instead of, "da plane, da plane!"

heh heh

Your world of opposites are freaking me out! It feels...wrong.

VE said...

mike - You mean your opposite world has fat Africans taking tourist holidays to America to see the famine?

matt-man - Boy, that world is bad. Right up there with me having to watch Charleton Heston wear a loin cloth in Planet of the Apes...

quirky - Oh, they wrong, they are very wrong. Did you know you're not even quirky there? Shameful...

Shawn said...

I think I'd like to visit this Opposite World. I bet fictional television is all the rage, while everyday people complain that scripted actors are getting all the work.

Elizabeth said...

I bet in Opposite World Alaska is warm and sunny and full of white beaches!! I'd like that!!

gab said...

ok so whats wrong with couples being together and actually still like each other? Mr Gab and I celebrated 35 years May 6th and we still love each other and even like each other! Now we may fight alot but havent you ever heard of make up sex? LOL I think in my opposite world we probably would be divorced!

Gladys said...

Now see my opposite is working viable part of society who is not only productive but social too. Yeah I think she's a bitch. Oh and she works at Wal-mart as a greeter.

VE said...

shawn - Ha! That does sound crazy. I suppose only the good shows get renewed each season too. That's all just crazy talk!

elizabeth - Of course the flaw in that is that you'd be living in Hawaii then...and the weather would be calling for drizzling snow...

gab - There's nothing at all wrong with it...unless it's my parents. That would be like oil and vinegar mixing together well to form a delicious milkshake. I'm a proponent of a long marriage...I just haven't been able to sustain one yet.

glady - I hate when people are social AND productive. Bitch!

The Offended Blogger said...

Damn you VE and your opposite post! Now the 'opposite song' is stuck in my brain!

I don't normally do this, but here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiCWN7nQ2LE

You better watch it too and suffer with me! :p

lime said...

hey, if opposite world means people around my house start picking up after themselves i am booking a one way ticket...

VE said...

offended blogger - Now that's pretty cruel Chelle, thanks for sharing! Of course knowing that you watch these explains some things too! ;)

lime - Ok, but you're gonna have to kareoke "Michelle" in that world...

ReformingGeek said...

I like Opposite World. When does the next starship leave? I knew somebody would figure out Quantum Physics eventually.

As for twisting words, I read "office fling". Um.....oops.

Jenn Thorson said...

Anal and no blog in Opposite World? Well, the world itself might be running more smoothly, but the blogging...

(Sigh.)

And I see Spock wears a beard in Opposite World... Does Shatner also still think he can sing?

Beth said...

How you even came up with the idea for this post amazes me. It's that sense of wonder, that kid in you, right?
Quite the trip - for you, your opposite and your readers.

Janna said...

If "Real VE" collects crayons, what does "Opposite VE" collect?

Jaime said...

i like opposite world... if i visit there, would all my work be completed for me and my son sleep through the night?

Serena said...

I already have enough confusion/chaos in my life. I'm not going to Opposite World -- and you can't make me, neener-neener!:)

Thinkinfyou said...

Oh,oh,oh,I want to go to opposite world!! How do I get there??

Diesel said...

I want to go to there.

Dalton J. Fox said...

You should appreciate the beer tap more. He put a lot of thought and hard work into that.

colbymarshall said...

Pissed off gnomes is a recipe for disaster. Trust me...I know.

Ronda Laveen said...

If VE-OPPs pissed off your bald gnomes, did VE: The Origin make happy with his hairy giants?

VE said...

reforminggeek - Office fling? Watch out for those copiers...they record the evidence...

jenn - Ha! Good point about Shatner. Unfortunately he thinks he can sing in this world so perhaps he really can in opposite world.

beth - I am just a big kid. I have no idea where this one came from...probably just a spin off idea from the Star Trek episode that did that concept.

janna - Typewriters...

jaime - Yes, but there's always a catch...you probably would have to threaten him to get him up in the morning...

serena - In opposite world your job is normal and you have lots of time on your hands...unfortunately you aren't creative enough to think of anything interesting to do there either

thinkinfyou - Slap your boss three times and say "there's no place like home, there's no place like home..."

diesel - Hmmmm...in opposite world you'd actually pick my caption contest to win...

dalton - It's true I guess. I don't appreciate the kids trying to fill their glass with it though. I probably should have rethought that whole re-filing prank I played on him. I filed things like "auto" under "V" for vehicle and "taxes" under "S" for screwed again.

colby - Yes, you've delved too deep in the gnome castle too! Shame on you! I told all my gnomes that ultimately all their woes were your falt. They're still pissed at me but now they hate you too! Misery loves company...

ronda - Not really. They didn't appreciate when I sold his SUV and bought a SMART car for them...

GC (God's Child) said...

opposite world, ahhh, wish I could go there. In opposite world, though, I'm very bored because I actually do work at work.

Jacki said...

Very interesting...in opposite world things actually make sense!

So in opposite world, do we actually get a good return on our taxes?

Kurt said...

Opposite World - is that where Opposite Marriage is?

VE said...

gc - But you're forgetting...in opposite world the work that you do is actually interesting and rewarding. Go figure...

jacki - In opposite world there are no taxes. Since everyone is striving for improvement, the models of government, health and education are entirely different than ours. They're more proactive and less reactive.

kurt - Sort of. In opposite world there are no concepts of marriage in that way. There are no distinctions by paper or law; only by choice and preference.

Anne said...

i stop by here nearly every day, but forget i need to actually type something in this box to let you know I was here.


thus, you have my daily comment.

VE said...

anne - Yes, it's really the only way I know. I'm a social blogger...readers are fine but I like the comments...

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

In opposite world I wouldn't be reading your blog.

Maureen said...

You have pot holes too? Huh.

Here I thought it was just a Winnipeg thing. We have it perfected, you know.

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - That's a tragedy! The gnomes are laughing quite hardily though...damn them!

maureen - They started in Winnipeg...and spread...

Wow said...

Does everyone have a goatee in opposite world?

VE said...

I'd like to reverse a few things in my life. Is there a reverse world as well?

VE said...

Oh...and the goatees...yes...I think they are mandatory...except for women and children of course.

leelee said...

Love it...or do I hate it?

I think I'll take a seat on the couch of confusion!

HUGS!

VE said...

leelee - Better take a number, I fear there are many on that couch...