Friday, May 01, 2009

VE of the Caribbean - Cruise Life

The thing I learned about cruising is that it’s an elaborate world all its own. On a ship this size you have to find everything. It’s sort of like an interactive “Where’s Waldo” game. Twelve hours of cramming trying to study the ship layout should do it…

Once you can find something then you have to figure out what you want to do. For many that will just be getting drunk, getting sunburned, and getting fat. They keep it simple. For those of us that want a few more things to do they provide a daily activity sheet for you every day. It’s like a paper blog with all of the times for all of the shows and activities.

For any given day on the ship there are about 250 different things going on throughout the day. They always have one main show or event every evening. They had two musicals (blech!), two plays (uggh), a magic show (sounded promising but was too showy), a comedy show (it was good), several ice shows (no thanks), a game show about Love and Marriage (missed it) and a grand finale (it was good).

But after that there is an amazing array of all types of activities. Here are some examples with the usual VE commentary to roll your eyes too…

Assembly Drill. The only mandatory thing you have to do. Basically you have to show up wearing your stupid orange life vest and stand by the lifeboats while they search the ship for those hiding under the bed or in their shower hoping to avoid the activity. The do this to ensure there isn’t another Titanic by having everyone go to their appointed lifeboat all calmly and then standing their in military formation. My favorite comment from a tourist walking by late: “It won’t happen like this during an actual emergency…” Classic!

Bingo. I don’t get it. You book a fancy cruise to beautiful locations bound through nice warm weather and you lock yourself away in some stuffy room to play bingo all day? You’d have to pay me a freakin’ fortune to sign up for that! But they had bingo everything all the time it seemed.

Jewish Sabbath Service. Yes, they even had a church on board. But a Jewish service? Is that really the predominant religion among the cruisers? I don’t know…I was having fruity rum drinks with Satan up at the pool deck at the time…

Roaming Jackpot Tables. They had a full casino on board already. So what are these roaming jackpot tables? Do they come alive and just corner you while you’re trying to take a dump or getting some lunch? It sounded a little freaky to me.

Scrap booking. Are you flippin’ kidding me? Sure, I traveled 3,000 miles to board a fancy-dancy cruise ship bound for tropical destinations and I brought all my scrap booking material! Let’s spend the next 7 days putting together other memories into fancy books whilst I waste potential current memories doing so!

Speed Climbing Contest. I didn’t enter, but I watched. I could have easily won it had I entered. I thought there might actually be some reasonably fast climbers on board but alas, they were either passed out at the pool or were scrap booking…

Spa. We got a special spa together. It was supposed to be an upper back and shoulder massage and then a foot massage. These Thai gals though…they went to town on the entire backside. Once again I swear they were fixated on my butt for some reason. They had us wear our underwear but then proceeded to peel it half way down even still. I asked the wifey-poo if she got extra special attention to the glutes and of course she didn’t. Just my luck I guess. Sheesh!

Oh, and they also had a youth curfew at 1:00am. It made me secretly want to be a teenager again and head out trying to elude THE MAN in the wee hours of the morning by slinking around the ship. This would have been an awesome game!

So with the parades, the sex, the shopping, the sex, the eating, the activities, the sex, the ports of call, the sex…it all added up to being pretty damn exhausting. Something about any rocking on a ship and I sleep like a baby (well the babies that sleep…not those crying screaming pooping ones).

Oh, and apparently towel folding is big on cruises…they even held a class on it. In this economy that’s a handy skill to have. Imagine you’re in an interview and you need that one little thing to put you over the top of your competitors. Turning your potential boss’s boxers into a monkey could be just the thing!

Next up…VE of the Caribbean – Ports of Call

53 comments:

monica said...

wow - I see you must have won the towel folding contest, good on ya! as you didn't do the climbing thing "would have won if I'd entered" .... yeah right. :o)
Love the elephant!

monica said...

your 6.05 am is mine 3.05 pm ...

monica said...
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ReformingGeek said...

Let me get this straight. You had sex?

I've seen the Love and Marriage thing what feels like a hundred times. It's funny the first time.

I'm with you. Bingo? NO. Spa? Once or twice. Gym? YES. Musicals on cruises? Not if I can avoid them. Eating? Absolutely (see gym). Ice skating? (see infirmary)....

leelee said...

looks like the honeymoon was all it should have been and more....

HUGS!

PS: I'm a little creeped out by the chicken towel..and strangely I like teh "hand" soap photo you posted a while back...go figure

That IS a chicken right? (not the swans)

Gladys said...

Did the massage come with a wax job or a happy ending?

The only thing I know how to fold a towel to look like is a penis. It's an old bartender trick.

Wow sounds like a great time I would have totally gone to Bingo and then yelled BINGO on the first call. That really pisses off the litte old ladies.

The Incredible Woody said...

I've always wondered about those towels with the sunglasses. Did they go rummaging through my bags until they found a spare pair or do the maid carts come fully stocked with sunglasses??

Quirkyloon said...

What's wrong with Bingo? heh heh

VE said...

monica - Ha! No, I couldn't even keep them in their folded positions. Everytime I sat on the bed they'd tip over and then I couldn't seem to put them back to their original weird folded position

reforminggeek - Ha! I DID...and it was fabulous (the sex, not the bingo...)

leelee - I'm not sure what the hell that was either...and it was a little disturbing; like it had been waiting for us to get back.

gladys - I like your Bingo prank. I would totally do that one...if I wasn't running away screaming from the bingo place that is

incredible woody - They love to rummage. I knew I should have put my sunglasses in the safe...

quirky -
B - Boring
I - Irritating
N - No fruity rum drinks
G - Gobs of money wasted
O - Oh no, the blotter ran out

Jaime said...

i'm sure that towel folding class was almost as popular as the scrap booking.

VE said...

jaime - Yeah, I'll bet they were lined up for hours. They probably had to beg people to go eat...

freetheunicorns said...

Choices are nice, but I would have been more than happy to sit in the sun, drink and hit golf balls into the ocean.

freetheunicorns said...

Okay, on second thought, learning how to fold towels like that would be fun.

Elizabeth said...

"getting drunk, getting sunburned, and getting fat"
Sounds like the perfect vacation to me!
;)

VE said...

freetheunicorns - It's more fun to hit golf balls at the rock climbers...

elizabeth - I see you like to keep it simple!

Nessa said...

Towel folding is an exhibition sport. Big prizes.

Roy Scribner said...

I'm really looking forward to this - we've (kids and all) got a 3-day cruise to Ensenada booked this winter. I've never been what I would consider the "cruise type" but, what the hell, I like to drink and hangout by a pool, you know?

Beth said...

I'm still bah-humbug about cruise life. Reminds me too much of summer camp - and I hate crowds of people!

moooooog35 said...

I can fold towels like that, but only if they're really really stiff.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Brent Diggs said...

Just how roaming were these blackjack tables? Did they pursue you? Did you have to hide in a lifeboat until they lost the scent? Please elaborate.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Is that Jar Jar Binks on the bottom left of the photo or do my eyes deceive me? His, her or its head looks sort of weird, for some reason. But hey, I'm no towel origami expert either like yourself. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

I had no idea towels could be so... expressive.

And now you have me curious-- do you have to bring your own scrapbooking stuff on a CRUISE or is it provided?

When packing for vacay, I just don't think-- hm, let me take 12 pounds of paper, some stickers, some adhesive tape and some bejewels with me.

But I'm funny that way.

VE said...

nessa - Well it certainly looks like an absorbing sport (yeah...I couldn't resist)

roy - I never thought I would adapt either. You just have to roll with it and accept it for what it is. There are still fun things to enjoy and do.

beth - Imagine a private balcony right off your room, somebody bringing you a fruity rum drink while you're lounging in your chair reading your favorite book as the caribbean breeze cools you off and the sun begins to set...

moooooog35 - I don't want to know what is making your towels so stiff...

brent - Those are excellent questions. Had I not been in such fear of an encounter with said blackjack table I might be able to answer. I think the mere fact that I am back alive should tell you that they were probably quite agressive. Plus...I suck at black jack...

unfinished - Oh...I didn't create these things. The stewart that cleans the rooms and looks for spare dollars did those. I have no idea what the one is but Jar Jar is as good as any guess...and a bit disturbing too

jenn - Ha! Yeah, me too. I don't see why I should have to pay extra at the luggage desk just to have a glorius cruise doing scrapbooking!

Uncivil said...

I have a friend who's wife always folded the dinner cloths into the shape of a penis and she would make it raise up off the table in the process?
If only she had a sister!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I'd take the towel folding class only all of my towels have cartoon characters. Just doesn't look the same.

Serena said...

I want towels like those. I don't want to have to cruise to get them, but I suppose I could do it if there was sex and no bingo involved.

Ann's Rants said...

I only went on a cruise once.. NOT for me. But yeah, the towels were impressive. As was the palpable excitement about the midnight buffet. Seemed like that's all anyone was talking about.

Read your piece at humorpress. Congrats. I'm such an asshat I've never sat through The Matrix or Its a Wonderful Life, but I liked your take on the other endings--especially American Beauty.

Dalton J. Fox said...

I find it hilarious that scrap-booking was included as an activity during the cruise. I find that to possibly be worse than bingo.

Ronda Laveen said...

Okay...the spa, that's something I know a lot about. As a massage therapist, and the senior one at that, and being the massage manager and trainer, I have seniority. If there is one thing I know more about than almost anything else in this great big old world, it is glutes.

I have rubbed more buns than you'd see at McDonald's in a year. I get my pick of which client I get to work on during a tandem massage. I think you got the senior therapist. Count yourself lucky you got to keep your shorts at all. I am a much sterner disciplinarian.

What a surprise you liked the comedy show the best.

Kevin John said...

Now we know where all the 'bailout' money has gone..

Sounds like fun, except I'd probably be reading or relaxing after a good swim on deck watching the ocean go by.

That is if I had the money to go on one of those floating cities.

Hope you are having a great time
And try blackjack next time, DONT double up.

Janna said...
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Janna said...

"Turning your potential boss’s boxers into a monkey could be just the thing!". . .
Unless, of course, he's still wearing them at the time...

Alex L said...

Towel folding... really. If I'm on a cruise and I have to resort to that, I'm asking for my money back.

Megan said...

Blah blah blah massage blah blah blah fruity rum drink blah blah blah sex blah blah blah.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Baino said...

Dunno, I came to Australia on a boat, took six weeks . . not quite as flash as your rig but I think it's put me off for life. . the towels are terrifying!

Ronda Laveen said...

Seen one butt and you've seen them all. I just call massage: "Butts-R-Us!" That will be my corporate trade name. The glutes are among the largest and most powerful muscles in the body. They are responsible for moving our structure of bones around. No small task! Let them out for a little RNR. We don't look. REALLY! Real massage therapists do it in the dark!

Anonymous said...

I hate it when the maids go through my stuff to find glasses, etc. I know you'll think I'm crazy but I do love the towel folding. I even bought a DVD set on it! LOL! Here are the photos of what I can make http://www.foldingmagic.com/photos.htmlPlease don't hate me now! I need to learn how to make the monkey soon.

Where are you going next?

J

nursemyra said...

scrapbooking on holiday = tragic

Jeff said...

Scrapbooking? What's next... stamp collecting?

Jacki said...

I am still scratching my head over scrap-booking on board a cruise ship. My cruise ship activities would be drinking fruity alcoholic drinks and having sex without worrying about who hears it. You know, things I don't get to do at home very often.

VE said...

uncivil - Dang...that's a good skill to have...maybe the wife-poo could learn from her!

perpetual chocoholic - Yes, it's hard to turn the teletubbies into anything different.

serena - Bingo sex; maybe that'll make it interesting

anns rants - We actually never used the midnight buffet. Yeah, my piece on humorpress depended on knowing those movies...

dalton - Combine the two activities into one and you've surely created hell!

ronda - A glute girl eh? Nothing like a good massage! I would think that's hard work though...

kevin - Nothing wrong with relaxing with a book watching the ocean going by. We did some of that too! As for blackjack, I just have sucky luck with that game.

janna - Ha! Yes, that might make the interview a little more awkward...

alex - Offer up something stupid, and the stupid will show up. It wasn't a requirement and these were left in our room when we got back in the evening. I agree though, if I had to participate I'd be asking for money back

megan - Yeah, I know. I never expected any sympathy...

baino - Well then you can relate why it took me 28 years. And now we know how to scare you next Halloween...towel folding! Muh ha ha

ronda - Ha! I think you're secretly peeking at the nice ones. Now I wouldn't do to well massaging hot females; I'd most certainly not be professional. Guess I'll stick with comedy...

j (anon) - My next trip is uncertain, but most likely it will be Spain, Portugal and Morrocco.

nursemyra - Epic tragedy! Throw in bingo and show tunes and you've got a nightmare!

jeff - Shhhh, they'll here you. Oh great, now they heard! Coming to the next mega ship near you...stamp collecting...compliments of Jeff!

jacki - Was that you I heard screaming one deck up?

Bunk Strutts said...

Heh. Towels. Reminds me of Cheech Marin: "Wanna see me turn this orange into a peach?" And then there was Tommy Chong's version...

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

If I were getting a massage, the last thing I'd want rubbed is my rear.

And what the hell is that brown and white folded towel supposed to be? It looks like the Sphinx. Those towels are really creepy....

Kurt said...

That lame towel folding thing is becoming popular the world over. Confirmed sightings in Mexico and Egypt.

Carla said...

This is an absolute riot. Now I know where all the unemployed Japanese headed off to when their economy tanked.

Sarah said...

You skipped the towel folding class?! Don't you think your wife would appreciate an expertly folded towel waiting for her each and every morning?

lime said...

sign me up for the spa, man. oh and the towel folding. i am job hunting so if it helps me through the interview i am all over it.

VE said...

bunk - Cheech and Chong...I think they're back together again!

arizona - Might be the Spinx...I cannot tell either

kurt - It's spreading. I think we might have a pandemic on us...

carla - That would explain a great deal...

sarah - I opted for plan b...a sleeping me

lime - What with towel folding and money origami you should get a job in no time!

Dee said...

great post Ve

VE said...

dee - Thanks!

Maureen said...

I wanna fold our towels like that. I can freak out my cats...

VE said...

maureen - Your cats have a fear of towels?

disa said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.