Sunday, May 17, 2009

VE's Ingenious Tips for Interviewing

Ingenious Techniques to Help you Rise Above the Rest during an Interview:

- Use VE’s new Pop-Up resume. Be the first to have true three dimensional qualifications. Your qualifications will really stand out.

- With a little stalking you can find out your potential manager’s favorite band/song and then use VE”s new Music Resume. Yes, just like the cards you pay too much for at Hallmark, VE can provide you with a ridiculously expensive but custom song to play when the resume is cracked open.

- Bring your own placards. Managers are mesmerized and conditioned by placards. Have them contain fancy buzz words like “authentic communications” or “lean processing”. If you’re really good at this process you’ll be training him/her and the question part of the interview will be short or non-existent. Be sure it has some graph. What the graph is about isn’t important, what is important is that it is climbing at an upward trend.

- Before you even sit down, open up a small notebook and start surveying their office as if you were auditing them. Write down observations for a few minutes then sit. Don’t comment on what you were doing but hint at something higher up then them that they aren’t privy too

- Start every reply in a different language. Later indicate that you are simultaneously learning 25 languages….just for the intellectual challenge

- Use obscure acronyms to signify importance. For example, you might have been the LAPOIC representative (loser always passed out in College). Refer to it as a matter of importance and make it seem like everyone should know what it means.

- Make up everything. Managers are too lazy to check facts and there is no staff left in today’s reality to check. What you have to do will be entirely irrelevant to your qualifications anyway. You can make that up as you go too.

- If you must get into a question and answer situation, have some fun with it. Turn every question around into your own question….

“What experience do you have with quality assurance processes?”

“How experienced are your quality assurance processes?”

“Well…ah…we have a specific methodology we follow with an entire team dedicated toward improved quality. Do you have any experience working with QA methodologies?”

“Are your methodologies part of industry accepted standards and where in the maturity level do you feel your organization is at with regard to reaching your goals in QA?”

You get the idea… (note that if this feels too complex just use the standard "I know you are, but what am I?" question answer as a default)

- Reference everything towards a general concern over why they haven’t contacted and hired you earlier and what can now be done to remedy the impact of their poor decision making.

With these tips you will be well on your way toward misery slaving for THE MAN. But you'll be able to eat...

51 comments:

Quirkyloon said...

Where's the water-boarding technique?

Hold the potential employer in a head lock.

Poor the water.

Say, "You WILL hire me."

Repeat until hired.

Now that's having some fun with it! heh heh

VE said...

quirkyloon - Ha! But that tends to hurt your initial employee review. You've got to be more subtle...you can't scare your future manager too much right from the start. Remember, be the tourtoise, not the hare.

Alan Smithee said...

The graph is factually correct, and that's what's most important.

Elizabeth said...

What about swinging a gold watch in front of their eyes until they're hypnotized. Then you can tell them to hire you, what job you want and what your salary will be!!

nipsy said...

There's always the good ol' standby, apply at a place where the owner knew not only your mother and father, but the entire family. 9 times out of 10, the "I remember your ..." comes into play. Worked for me!

freetheunicorns said...

Nothing beats a well made graph. In fact, my entire resume consists of a series of graphs.

I haven't tried the acronym thing yet, but it seems impressive.

ReformingGeek said...

I thought I would try a low-cut blouse and a push-up bra for my next interview.....and hope it's not with a heterosexual woman!

Beth said...

I’d go with your simple but (perhaps?) effective suggestion: “I know you are but what am I?”
What’s the worst that could happen? They’d hire me.

Baino said...

Since I'm about to embark on this process myself, I'll start putting my resume together. Excellent suggestions, if only I could remember boardroomspeak . . .

Dalton J. Fox said...

I'll be sure to use "I know you are but what am I?" during my next job interview. I've already converted my resume to a pop-up/music hybrid. I should have a new job in no time at all now. Thanks, VE!

Ronda Laveen said...

"Managers are mesmerized just by the sight and as long as the trend is up, they don't care."

VE this is a Male Business Model. They are always concerned about things such as "big" and "up." With women managers, yes, up is concern, but it is more about the money and the "bottom" line.

I love training managers, it is such a fun sport:)

Janna said...

So, are you hiring?
Can I have a seat by the window?
We can wear jeans on Friday, right?

I'll be the "Primary Nonsense Engineer".
Or, if that's already taken, I can be the creepy office freak everybody whispers about.

Jaime said...

we had to do practice interviews in one of my classes in high school. fortunately, i got to be the "joke" interview. i was applying for the job of "assistant tree demagnetizer." i showed up in ripped jeans and tshirt and spent the whole interview alternating between playing with my hair and blowing bubbles with a huge wad of gum.

Jeff said...

"I know you are, but what am I?"How juvenile. I prefer the more mature, "The one who says it IS it!"Sheesh. You've got a lot to learn my friend.

Jean Knee said...

wow, you make getting laid off and getting another job seem easy.

is this patented or may I use it?

Gladys said...

Gee V.E. do you think this will finally get me the coveted position of greeter at Wal-mart?

That bitch Edna got the last position that was available. ;)

VE said...

alan - And you well know that you can make pretty much every graph factually correct...

elizabeth - But that takes skill and training. I'm far too lazy...

nipsy - Of course in my case nobody knows my family so I'm on my own!!

freetheunicorns - I salute you for having a complete resume of graphs! Sweet. Add some acronyms to them and then make the graphs pop out and play music! There you go...

reforminggeek - Well if you're going to do that...the gnomes said you're hired!

beth - It's an excellent standby response. Say it with a lot of confidence and atitude!!!

baino - The great thing about boardroomspeak is that you can make it up...then they'll assume they're not up to par with the latest BS...

dalton - That's excellent. Working for THE MAN will give you lots of blogging time!

ronda - I see you are familiar with "the bottom line"

janna - Creepy office freak is a coveted position. As for the engineers...I've outsourced that to Mongolia. I do have a position for plant duster though...

jaime - Excellent! Those are hard skills to master. They should have been in awe...

jeff - Though I'm a week older than you...you've always been the mature one...

jaime - Hey...getting laid is easy. Oh wait, you meant laid off...whoops. Sure...use them all

gladys - That Edna...what a suck up! Go for it!

Alex L said...

Theres always the 'I'll be waiting in the carpark' technique... of course if you actually are going to be waiting in the carpark for them. Make sure you spot your exit in case the cops come.

Chris Wood said...

Musical resumes? Go on, which song?

VE said...

alex - Yes...the best positions are handed out in carparks...

chris - I can think of a few. Your future boss is cracking open your resume and out plays:
1. "...Here I am...Rock me like a hurricane..."
2. "...I dont want to work
I want to bang on the drum all day..."
3. "...the head Nurse spoke up. She said, leave this one alone, she could tell right away that I was Bad to the Bone..."
4. "...taking care of business...

You know I could go on...

Roy Scribner said...

Lean six-sigma, i-so, i-so, i-so, hey! Do you know that people actually think that being a "six-sigma black belt" impresses people? Weird.

VE said...

roy - You should actually come in with a special belt and one of those big Wrestling-type buckles that says Six-Sigma champion...cool!

Sarah said...

Great tips.
My pick for crappiest interview question: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Obviously you can't say - hopefully working at someplace better than this...What the heck do they want you to say? Well ten years from now I plan to be sitting on my couch watching Oprah while eating Chex Mix, what about you?!

VE said...

sarah - I'd probably say "remarried to your trophy wife after a torid multi-year affair..." Yeah...I was never good a schmoozing...

Jacki said...

So this is why I haven't landed a job yet....geez....

VE said...

jacki - But now you have ALL the tricks so you can get whatever job you want!

The Incredible Woody said...

What if I am the interviewer, instead of the interviewee?

The Incredible Woody said...

I would have packed you in my bags but I was already over the weight limit!!

Serena said...

These pointers for an improved resume couldn't have come at a better time. I need a new job before I'm tempted to start bashing my head against the wall.:)

VE said...

incredible woody - Damn, I already replied to your stuff. What the hell happened? Ok, I'm going to have to think about being the interviewer for another post. I'll let the gnomes figure it out; they're quite prankish. As to the weight limit, I could have been carry-on! The overhead bin isn't that much more uncomfortable than economy seating

serena - Bashing your head won't solve anything. They'll just try and get you to paint the wall while you are bashing...damn them.

Starrlight said...

Both sides of the interview process suck. I hated interviewing people as much as I hate being interviewed!

The Self-Deprechaun said...

That Age/Time chart needs to be re-numbered or programmed. I'm thinking of a large trough at some point b/c of time travel discoveries a la LOST

VE said...

starrlight - I'd just have way too much fun as an interviewer. They'd never let me do that...

self-deprechaun - Sssssh...don't tell anyone about my time travel machine...

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I haven't been to an interivew in about 16 years. Yikes!

gab said...

Well because I can't work...period! I would like to talk about your picture of the day! What a great idea! You dont know how many times I've leaned down between the van and the trailer to go. I'm am so gonna tell Mr Gab to do that for our car! Im now gonna go in comfort

padraig said...

“Are your methodologies part of industry accepted standards and where in the maturity level do you feel your organization is at with regard to reaching your goals in QA?”

That's awesome. Be sure to nod sagely as they start talking on this point.

Brian Miller said...

what an amazing list! when i get a really hard question this week, i'm switching languages to show off my skills! or start twitching fall to the floor and fake an illness while texting for good answers...

VE said...

perpetual - I've never had one!

gab - Well there you go...literally!

padraig - It's like acting class or something. I see you've got the expression movement down...as if deeply interested in such drivel!

brian - Oooh...I like the twitching one. They'd have to be careful of a lawsuit rejecting you too...

lime said...

dnag, and once again, i am late getting here. i could have used this yesterday

VE said...

lime - I know, I know. How did it go?

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

Oh, I love acronyms. I was a technical writer before I had kids, and we would use as many of them as we possibly could so no one would understand a darn thing we wrote. One of my jobs was to write CAPs that adhered to TACO guidelines as per the BOL of the IEPA. It also included requesting FOIA files, checking RCRA, CERCLA, NPL, LUST, and UST databases. And that was the easy stuff.... sounds like a great career, doesn't it? It was mind-numbingly boring....

yellojkt said...

I'm glad you didn't coach me before my last interview. I might have gotten the job.

VE said...

arizona - LUST? I wonder what is in THAT database....

yellojkt - Yeah, then where would your unemployment benefits be?

lime said...

hard to say i did post about it a little. i did really well in some ways and not so well in others. time will tell....

VE said...

lime - I'll send the gnomes over to speed up their process a little...

Kurt said...

What Alan said.

Maureen said...

As someone who had years of interviewing potential employees, I have to say it comes down to ONE thing. Everyone lies.

You can't tell anything about someone in a 15 chat session. You only find out what a mistake it was to hire them ten seconds after their probabtion time is up.

VE said...

kurt - It's important that I meet your graph approval rating each time I present one...

maureen - That's what I'm talking about. You might as well be outrageous and contrary in them...

Kurt said...

I'm honored.

VE said...

How'd you get down here? I assume this comment was for the blog spoof post...

Anne said...

Hey, when you gonna get around to updating your blogroll post count?

I had to scroll down a ways to find a post without my comment by the way.