Friday, May 15, 2009

VE's Riculous Scenario Game - Round 4

Welcome to round four of VE’s Ridiculous Scenario Questions Game. But before we get to this week's scenario, let's give our prior round’s scenario contributors credit:

Kurt was A (Stephen Covey influence one)
Jacki was B (Liquid metallic hydrogen mining alternative one)
Angie was C (Spaghetti dinner one)
HeyJoe was D (Noxious gas spaghetti sauce one)
Nessa was E (Martian Leprechauns one)
Buttertub was F (magical garden one)

Give them all a nice round of applause because they were awesome and completely ridiculous!
Ok, now on to scenario four:

Remember, contestants were given a random question via email quite awhile back now. If you didn’t get one it’s because you don’t have any contact email on your blog. Sorry! Meanwhile…those that did get one and didn’t bother to call the police or delete it have returned these follow up scenarios. Let’s forget about who wrote what and you tell me which is the best based on the content.

You’re cooking dinner and seemed to be chained to the kitchen refrigerator. Richard Simmons is inviting guests into your home for an evening of dinner and stories. As you're about to plan out the meal you notice that all of the guests are former girlfriends/boyfriends from your past. What do you cook for dinner and what form of entertainment will happen afterwards?


Oh baby? Dicky-poo honey? I need you to shower and shave your legs darlin'. My hand stung for hours after rubbing your stubbly thigh earlier today.

Oh, and Dicky-poo why you sweatin' Hon? I know I took off your oldies album from the cd player, but we gots a little problem here with me being chained to the fridge and all. But when my ex-Lov-er Boy gets here, you be nice to him, but not too nice...he was MINE and he ain't gonna be yours, okay?

Dagnabbit. Dicky? Dicky! DICK-KEY!

I just accidentally burned our tofu burgers that I was gonna serve. Be a dear and run out to KFC and pick us about mmmm...I don't know about 100 buckets of extra crispy chicken, with mashed potatoes and gravy and french fries for the sides.

Now, now Dicky-poo, be a sweet Dicky and do it for me?

*bats eyelashes*

And don't forget the honey for the biscuits, Dick.

(thirty minutes later)

*ding dong*

Dicky? Turn on the stereo before you answer the door. And turn up the volume Hon. Can you do that?

(stereo starts auto-repeat)

Erasure's Chains of Love

How can I explain
When there are few words I can choose
How can I explain
When words get broken
Do you remember
There was a time ahaha
When people on the street
Were walking hand in hand in hand
They used to talk about the weather
Making plans together
Days would last forever
Come to me, cover me, hold me
Together well break these chains of love
Dont give up, dont give up
Together with me and my baby
Break the chains of love
Do you remember
Once upon a time ahaha
When there were open doors
An invitation to the world
We were falling in and out with lovers
Looking out for others
Our sisters and our brothers
Come to me, cover me, hold me
Together well break these chains of love
Dont give up, dont give up
Together with me and my baby
Break the chains of love
Together well break these chains of love
How can I explain
When there are few words I can choose
How can I explain
When words get broken
We used to talk about the weather
Making plans togetherDays would last forever
Come to me, cover me, hold me
Together well break these chains of love
Dont give up, dont give up
Together with me and my baby
Break the chains of love
Together well break these chains of love

Lov-er Boy! You sound great singin' along to our song! And mm-mmmm you look good enough to eat. *slurp* I've missed you darlin'!

Dicky-poo this here used to be mine and Lov-er Boy's song. Wasn't that suh-weet?

Okay, let's eat us some food!

(one minute later)

My, oh my. I am fuu-ull. That chicken was tasty.

I'm feeling a little kinky, er I mean kinked up in these chains. Ya'll bring those greased up hands and rub them on me wouldja?

Dicky! Not there! On my hands and wrists, Hon!

Look Lov-er Boy knows how to do it right.

How else am I gonna get these chains of love off?

Ah! Freedom.

Thanks Lov-er Boy and Dicky.

I'm so lucky!

I feel like purrring.



Why Jambalaya of course...followed by Wii Dance


When I think of being chained to the refrigerator, all I can think of is Clarise Starling (in which case, "chained" becomes a relative term). So the only thing that should be served for dinner would be the forebrain of Ray Liotta. Probably a suitable meal for exes.

And for entertainment ~ a chase in the woods


I recently got engaged! With a little help from my old work out buddy, Richard Simmons, I'm putting together a little dinner party tonight. I've got to get these groceries I just bought into the fridge. Setting the bag of groceries on the floor, I open the door and begin putting the food into the reef. As I let go of the door, it swings wildly away from me and crashes into the door jamb. Crud, I always forget that hinge is broken. Not being able to stand it any longer, I decide it is time to fix the frickin' door so it quits denting my wall. In the garage I find a length of chain and decide I can McGiver the hinge. I wrap it around the handle of the door. With a quick click, the chain is secured with an old pair of leopard print, faux fur covered handcuffs left over from my party days. Damn! Too late I realize the other end of the cuff is around my wrist.

What the heck am I going to do now? I have all of these people coming to dinner in a little while? I know. I'll have my little Chia Pet headed minion help me. "Ricardo. Hey! Ricardo! Come here! Haul your hot pants wearing, candy cane stripped behind over here!"

"Yes, girlfriend? Oh, goodness girl! What did you do? Whatever did you do?," squealed Richard.

" I accidentally locked myself to the refer and there isn't an extra key. I need you to help me plan my menu for tonight's meal. Can you tell me who R.S.V.Pd?"

"Certainly, girlfriend. Well, lets see...David, Tom, Steve, Robert, Mike, Bill, Stanley, and Fabio," said Richard.

"But Ricardo, those are all my ex-boyfriends. What am I going to serve? This is going to be really awkward. Hmmm...mmmm...oh, I know. I'll create an ex-boyfriend themed menu. Won't that be fun? Let's see, first the wine. What wine pairs well with twits? I've got it! Manischewitz. Now for the appetizer. That big chub of salami on the counter reminds me of something. Oh, yeah, that would be David. Salami and cheese is always a good choice! Next, I need to decide on the salad. Well...Tom and Steve are coming, right? I think a vegetable and a fruit salad will do nicely. For the entrees...hmmm. Shish-kabob in honor of Robert. Wall-Eyed Pike and Flounder will do for Mike and Bill. I think Stanley will be happy with short-ribs. And I believe that Ratatouille is appropriate for the entire group. Well that's it except for desert. For Fabio, I think I'll serve the Better Than Sex Chocolate Cake. Oh, yeah. DEFINITELY the Better Than Sex cake."

After dinner, maybe we can play an adrenaline pumping game of Running with Scissors, otherwise known as I Spy the Pink Thing Lying on the Road. Or maybe we can watch the movie "Slime Dog Zero-aire". Oh, Ricardo won't it be fun? Hey, let's get those candles glowing and start the music. What do you think about Michael Jackson's "Beat It?" And I've gotta play The Pussycat Dolls "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me!"

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don't cha, don't cha Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me

Don't cha, don't cha
Well, don't cha?


My first impulse - garrotte Richard Simmons with this chain. When he stops twitching, I let his limp carcass slip to the ground, to a round of hearty applause from the fellas.

As I look around the room, I see a blur of hands reaching for bulging wallets (I have only ever dated smart men, except for that one GQ model...). They all know I am hardly about to cook for them as a group - or they'd be bellying up to a buffet of sharp tongue, cold shoulder, and hot ass.

Three of the men have run out to the shop to fetch some tools. One or two others already have their tools in hand but, imposing as they may be, they are no match for a set of heavy duty bolt cutters. Thank you Sean Connery, you've always been such a gentleman. I close my eyes & again I am as a cobra in a basket, hypnotized by the sound of your voice; your wish is my desire.

A skirmish breaks out between Alice Cooper & Gene Simmons! Dog the Bounty Hunter wades into the fray; Dog is all bare chest & glistening muscles, throaty laugh, and silky mullet. Gene notices Alice's snake coiled on the sofa, forked tongue flicking in & out as if tasting the air around the Demon. Gene faints, and someone texts Shannon to come & fetch his candy ass home. Alice puffs up considerably and begins discussing handicaps, slice tips, straight elbows, titanium vs. aluminum, and such things with Tiger. Once you've gone black? You can still go back, trust me.

The GQ model has been trying to reconnect with me while the other men have been busy making book on the outcome of the battle of the bands. GQ still has a glorious head of hair & those mossy hazel eyes that I could get lost in for days... But it's been awhile since he's had a cover, so he's let that uni-brow go a bit. Ick, he needs to make an appointment with his stylist.

Beth & Shannon pull up outside; we girls exchange warm hugs & air kisses as Dog throws Gene uncerimoniously into the back of the big pink hummer. GQ climbs into the back seat with Shannon & asks to be dropped off at the day spa; he & the ladies spend the ride discussing scientific advances in foundation garments, talented mani/pedi artists, and the very best hot stone massages. I linger on the front porch waving goodbye to my dear friends, wishing with all my heart for a hot, stoned massage...

Alice slips his arms around me from behind; he nuzzles my neck and whispers that he must get to the studio for his late night radio show - Nights with Alice Cooper. We stand quietly in each other's arms against the springtime sunset; the fushias, oranges, & purples of the Manitoba sky lend a surreal quality to our tender moments. I don't look back. our hands brush down each other's arms and off fingertips that reach for more even as we let each other go. I can hear Alice's chopper in the back yard and the pilot ordering Tiger & the others to duck under the blades; soon the whuppa-whuppa fades away into the distance. And so does the sound of the helicopter...

Night takes over from the dusk & I go back into the kitchen at last. Sitting at the kitchen table playing a game of cribbage, I see the two most important men of my life. One is a Prince among men (No, not Charles, & certainly not the artist formerly known as Prince), and the other is DOH. They don't speak except to call out their points; I hug each one of them in turn very, very tightly and blink back a tear or two.

I pour a tumbler of whiskey & coke over ice for DOH, crack a beer for the Prince, and make myself a Venom latte. The men knosh on a plate of crackers, cheese, and garlic sausage and play cards late into the night. I wake up the next day to an empty house, and I am melancholy.

Then I spot Richard Simmons body still laying there on the kitchen floor where I left him last night. Damn it all - why is it no man can remember to take out the trash unless it's a direct order?


Oh, man. What a trainwreck. Given that the chain is as long as I want it to be, and that Richard Simmons only invited these ladies and is not necessarily present himself, I'd prolly stick around long enough just to see what I might have ended up with had I not married the lovely and gracious Mrs. Strutts.

Then I'd run, with chain, to the likker store, buy a slab of coolies and a lawn chair, double back to the freeway overpass and wait until the exes realized that the fridge was empty and there was nothing in the oven. Since I'd known this was coming down, I'd use my bolt cutters to fake my own death, severing the chain and dangling it over the guardrail, leaving enough links to hang within inches of the traffic below.

Sitting by the side of the freeway, with a case of cheap beer, I'd watch the nags chase down the chain trail while I mentally rehearsed my explanation of the evening's events (while lying through my teeth) to the lovely and gracious Mrs. Strutts.


Easy, you order out for pizza and then play full contact nude twister. Richard Simmons must keep his shorts and tank top on though.


since i only remember one former boyfriend fondly i say we will roast richard simmons and the 2 other former bf's on spits to feed the cannibals. entertainment will be reprising our date at the drive-in while the dinner party takes place. the cannibals are happy, i am happy. hopefully, the one i remember fondly is happy....though i doubt his wife or my husband would be happy. ah well, no plan is perfect.


Let’s begin by pointing out the two most obviously ridiculous things about this scenario:

(a) I cook
(b) I have had boyfriends

To resume.

Opening the fridge, I extract a stick of butter and go to work on slipping out of my chains. This not only sets me free, but also provides me with a supply of melted butter. Everything’s better with butter, I mumble to myself.

Examining the cupboards, I come across a can of baked beans that have probably been in there since the Eisenhower Administration. After a pause to wonder why on earth I would think of Eisenhower, I decide that if beans and toast are good enough for me, then Richard certainly shouldn’t complain.

Enough time passes for the butter to harden again. Reluctantly I face the truth - Richard and his mythological companions have stood me up!

Defiantly, I don my legwarmers, tank top, and candy-cane striped short-shorts, grab the discarded chains, and go - In Search of Richard.

To be continued…


I would prepare something so fatty and sinful, poor Milton, er, Richard would never dare come back. I'm thinkin' real whipped cream, chocolate and some kind of fatty fried pork chop that would require an angioplasty chaser.

Of course, I'll have to eat mine on the floor of the kitchen, being chained to the fridge and all, humming to myself to drown out the squeaky sounds of Richard hawking his book "Still Hungry After All These Years" to the sad to say, sparsely-populated room of my former boyfriends.

Who, by now, would also vow to never dare come back.

Oh well. At least I have chocolate


There you have it. Ten ridiculous replies to a ridiculous scenario and perhaps the widest range of responses (from novels to quip notes). So you tell me which you liked (and why if you'd like it). There are no popularity votes here. There isn't even necessarily any winners here either. Just wacky stuff. Next week I'll give you my last ridiculous scenario...


Anonymous said...

I'm printing this one out for some quality bathroom reading.

heh heh

Roy Scribner said...

Are you *sure* there aren't any winners?

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

Heh... don't you know that bloggers don't have the attention span to read more than they can digest in one minute or less? Why do you think we're bloggers? ;-)

Kurt said...

Well, the intro to "I" made me laugh.

Elizabeth said...

I loved this line in D, "What wine pairs well with twits?" It made me laugh out loud!

Gladys said...

I have to honestly say Z All of the above and...

I would first shave Richard Bald because no one wants a pub hair in their twit burger.

Ed said...

quirky - Better make it a long stay...this one is wordy!!!

roy - They're all winners, actually!

jeff - Hey, I didn't write the answers and my scenario was fairly terse. Just sayin'

kurt - Yes, those are BIG assumptions

elizabeth - Yeah...but it is still a heavily debated topic!

gladys - Ha! Now that is funny. I would agree!

Anne said...

I got this question and found the original email just the other day. But didn't get around to replying in time.

I was wondering how I was going to do anything chained to the fridge. so my answer was: "nothing"

Janna said...

I think my favorites are "G" and "I".

Now I'm craving pizza and a stick of butter.
Not together, of course.
The butter goes on the garlic bread.

Ed said...

anne - Well, that certainly is an appropriate answer! You can email me if you want to play in the final installment (probably a week out). I can send you the scenario.

janna - Oh, I thought you were just going to gnaw on the stick of butter throughout the day. You know, keep it in your pocket where it stays soft and warm and then when you get a butter craving, there you go!

United Studies said...

I is pretty funny, I'll go with that one.

Ed said...

jacki - Ok then, we'll let you!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

WooHoo! I made it up to the 53 comments spot! Now I must plot the untimely demise of those in front of me to further move up the list. Waaaaahaaahaaa!

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

I love, love, love, Richard Simmons. And that's all I have to say about that. lol!

Megan said...

I'll have to come back when I have more time...more replies to this one, I see. Richard Simmons seems to have struck a chord with your commenters!

Ronda Laveen said...

My inner smart a** really likes E. And this is why, "They all know I am hardly about to cook for them as a group - or they'd be bellying up to a buffet of sharp tongue, cold shoulder, and hot ass."

Hit 40 said...

I agree with Jeff...

However, I really liked your whoops post which was long.

Beautiful in Ohio!!! Must kill weeds. And leave some rat poison out for my raccoon friends :-)

Ed said...

perpetual chocoholic - Yeah, yeah, I finally updated my blog roll. Boy did that take time after an entire month or so. You were one of the biggest climbers up the list too!

arizona - Ha! That's all you need to say!

megan - More replies and some really long replies. Putting them all together makes for a ridiculously long post. But I'm Mr. Ridiculous!

ronda - I'm all for some hot ass!!!

hit40 - Yeah, this was an ongoing series and it turned out I just ended up with a lot of responses to this one and some were quite long. Doesn't add up to a good formula for posting but oh well. I try to keep most of my posts much shorter. Sometimes I'll put something in the middle to see if anyone is reading!

Anonymous said...

My vote goes to I

yellojkt said...

Nude Twister is always a winner.

Ed said...

nursemyra - To yourself? What? meant the letter I... ;)

yellojkt - To I detect prior experience here?

Janna said...

Yay! You updated the blogroll!
How exciting!

(It doesn't take much to entertain me...)

Oooh, look... something shiny!

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

Oh no.... I've fallen and I can't get up! I remember the days when I used to be one of the top 5 commenters. Now I'm barely in the top 20. Don't take it personally though... I've fallen off other people's blogrolls completely. Stupid life.

Megan said...

Okay I read them all. Yeah, mine's the best...

Bunk Strutts said...

Brevity is the soul of wit, but I can't go for [G]due to the visual. I'll vote for [B].

After seeing where this experiment was headed, I'd like to rescind my verbal submission [F] and replace it with the non-sequitur graphic one... heh.

P.S. Hit40: Watcha talkin' bout us 'coons?

GAB said...

ok D is my absolute fav! BUTTTTTTT I would be closer to me (a) I dont cook and (b) Mr Gab was my only boyfriend and I married him soooooooooo, to be honest in my fanisties of fanisties D wins hands down. That would be me. Don't cha wish you knew me that well? well don't cha?

LMAO make sure you reward these contestants!

Ed said...

janna - I know, I took me FOREVER to update that thing. I do it manually and I had to go through over a month of posts. I hope I don't let it lapse that long again.

jeff - Hey, at least you're in the top 20. My blog roll is tough to stay in the upper echelon...I post 5 days a week so you have any kind of vacation or life and boom, you drop 10 like that. Just consider it's over 160 long and you're not down at the bottom!

megan - I think I detect a slight bit of bias in your decision making... ;)

bunk - It was just odd that I had the most repsonses to this scenario and that many of them were long. I left it verbal though as introducing your visual would be an unfair advantage. You might win a contest that doesn't even exist...

gab - I like them all, the long ones and the short ones in their own way. Reward them? Then get the standard union wages and a nice parting gift... ;)

Jaime said...

D was in the lead but lost me at manischewitz. So definitely I

Ed said...

jaime - That seems to be one of the favorites...

Wow said...

I like A. You can't go wrong with 100 buckets of extra crispy chicken.

Ed said...

wow - Unless your heart or your waste has something to say about it...

Cinnamon Girl said...

Given the guest list, I would be on a liquid diet.

Ed said...

starrlight - I'm guessing that wouldn't be fruit juice either...

lime said...

yeesh, so late getting here. boy, lots of wordy stories. dick boy must bring that out in people.

Ed said...

lime - I know, I know. Ugghhh...

Maureen said...

Just because no one picked it yet, I'll vote for J. ;)

Ed said...

maureen - Thank you for picking them. Poor J...

Alien Humor said...

I'll go with B

Anonymous said...

This looks like an ongoing contest. I'll have to find the earlier ones. Funny stuff though.

Ed said...

alien humor - Statistically, C is always the right choice...

anon - No, they aren't contests, just participation events. I hate contests...