Thursday, May 07, 2009

The Wind Blows...

Today’s Theme Thursday is WIND. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…there’s plenty of it blowing from VE around here and it’s all hot air. Or maybe it’s just the gnomes that think that.

I’m not a big fan of wind...


It messes with your hair. I walk out the door when there is wind and the next thing I know I look like Don King. Ok, maybe not quite that bad but surely it’ll end up in some pseudo punk-rock style and real punks will walk by me thinking “why do these old people try and pose as punks still?” Not that I care what they are thinking but I just don’t happen to want to look like I tobogganed in to the grocery store.
Oh sure, I could cut it really short but I don’t want to look like I signed up for the National Guard either. I don’t happen to enjoy people saluting me or saying “Good luck over there” as if I’m off to Iraq to have a cage match with a bomb or something.
No...wind and hair do not mix.
Wind Turbines look silly. Sure, they are clean energy, but they look ridiculous all scattered along some lonely hill. First of all, why don’t they have massive fins on those things? The ones I’ve seen look like they’d hardly pick up any wind. Plus, have you ever driven by them and noticed that more than half of them are sitting idle while ones right next to them are spinning? Is it that they’re getting some special wind the others are not? Are the others in a perpetual state of disrepair? Do they not utilize all of them for power at the same time? The answers, my friend, are blowing in the wind. The answers are blowing in the wind.

Wind sports are a hassle or look just too dangerous. People that sail love the wind. They also love their own language. Starboard and port, my ass! How about left and right? Sailing is too much damn work. There are too many ropes requiring too much knowledge of knots you’ll never use anywhere else that run too many components with fancy names you’ll never use anywhere else either. I want none of that jibe.

Then there are those wind suits that people drop off of perfectly good cliffs from. If God had wanted me to float like that he would have given me really loose skin. Same goes for wind surfing. I’m very close to one of the meccas of wind surfing on the planet: The Columbia George. There are constantly people out there running into barges because they couldn’t control themselves or they get exhausted and drown. Neither of these outcomes are on my five year plan. Those surfers with the oversized kites? I don’t think so; one rogue wind and you’re into the jet stream and end up frozen on your way to Mongolia.

Other sports get ruined by the wind. Ever try to ride 20 miles in a strong headwind? It’s like riding up a steep hill without the satisfaction of a view or the accomplishment of reaching the top.
Running in the wind sucks too. Sprinting records get thrown out if there is too much wind during a track meet. And badminton or tennis in the wind? Forget it!
Try swimming in a headwind too; it's like swimming upstream against a current!
No, the wind pretty much spoils having fun at most of the normal sports.
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Breaking wind…stinks! Breaking wind is funny…unless it is you that suddenly smells something that can best be described as an aroma spewed from the bowels of hell itself that is! Yes, breaking wind could be one of the single most discussed humor topics of all time here in blogdome. Observed from a safe distance, what isn’t funny about it? But become the victim of a “covered wagon” by your spouse or a joyful elevator ride and suddenly the humor aspect is lost. I’m surprised that in these times they haven’t grouped, labeled and sequestered farters into some special room like they do with cigarette smokers. You know, one of those glass ones that look like a human aquarium so that we can laugh at how pathetic they look as we walk by.

No, the wind pretty much sucks in all respects...

55 comments:

monica said...

the picture of today - oh no - wish some wind had come and whisked it away...

Great to be back home? probably was tiresome with all that blue ocean, sun, snorkeling, cocktails etc. etc...

Ronda Laveen said...

I am so glad my butt is not so inspired. I am glad my butt won't talk of the sneaky far. I am so glad I am a with out any Drs. visits lately.

lime said...

hey my hair looks sorta like don king's even without wind. i want everyone else to look like that too.

Chris Wood said...

The wind has a lot to answer for, it looks like.

Jacki said...

Yeah, I pretty much hate windy days because it totally messes up my curls.

The Incredible Woody said...

You mean someone would actually fart on an elevator. Possibly just as they were exiting it and others were getting on. And then laugh like a mad man!

Yes, I am married to a 10yo!

Candie Bracci said...

ROFL!Yeah wind sucks most of the time!You said it well!lol

Kurt said...

Comprehensive!

Jaime said...

ha! i knew that someone would take the breaking wind angle. should've known it'd be you

Quirkyloon said...

Ack you made me sad. One of my favorite cheesy songs? WIND beneath my wings.

Fly...

Fly...

So high against the sky...

heh heh

moooooog35 said...

Without wind, we wouldn't have updrafts causing skirts to go randomly flying up giving us free shots of women's hoo-ha's.

Just playing Devil's advocate here.

Nessa said...

Farting and pointing at the dog is an old family tradition. I think its even noted in the old family bible.

VE said...

monica - Don't worry; I've swapped the photo of the day. Even I didn't want to look at it! Yes, it can be exhausting with so much vacation enjoyment...

ronda - Farting is a serious disease; ask your doctor if not farting is right for you...

lime - You and Don? Reminds me of this Beatles song..."Michelle..." ha ha...don't get me going now...

chris - It certainly does. Did it ever ask me if it could blow around all day? Never!

jacki - Yep. I say we all band together against it!

incredible woody - You sound all too familiar with that scenario!

candi - Here, here!

kurt - C O M P R E H E N S I V E, comprehensive. Oh, this isn't a spelling bee?

jaime - Leave it to me to go there. The gnomes suggested it of course...

quirky - Ha! If I had wings...not a wing suit!

VE said...

moooooog35 - Easy fix though...mirrored sidewalks

nessa - Yes, and it is only because the dogs enjoy farting. They're quite proud of it!

The Clever Pup said...

Funny stuff. Wind is my LEAST favourite weather condition.

Elizabeth said...

How was it on your cruise? When you were out in the open water was it windy??

freetheunicorns said...

"Starboard and port my ass!" You said it VE. What the hell is that about?

And golf sucks to play in a fierce wind.

As for breaking wind, well...

Oh, I'm agree with Mooog.

VE said...

clever pup - Particularly when it's in the form of a hurricane or tornado.

elizabeth - It was...and one day it was quite irritating; we went to inside activities!

freetheunicorns - Golf, yes, forgot about that multi-billion dollar sport...

Colette Amelia said...

I think you covered it all and very well too! I am still chortling about the sequestered farters!

VE said...

colette - Their time is coming!

ReformingGeek said...

Yep. Wind sucks or do we suck wind. Wait. I'm confusing myself again.

Now a bit of a breeze when the temp is over 100 is OK but wind with any temp below 60 is just plain ick!

I love the bike course. After you, of course.

Sandra Leigh said...

Then there are all those allergens carried on the wind. Yes, I think you have a point.

VE said...

reforminggeek - I think any wind coming when the temp is over 100 is gonna be hot wind. I do agree that trade winds in some places (like Miami Beach) keep it from getting to 100. But even in Miami I didn't care for the constant blowing...

sandra - Allergens...uggh, yes. I don't get many but I did the other day and it wasn't pretty...

Debo Hobo said...

Fantastic analysis of the Pros and Cons of the wind. I like the turbines...

Bazza said...

It's been pretty windy in Hull today, I hate the wind as it usually goes with cold.

Wings said...

Wind can also blow away all the debris and leave you with a clean, fresh start! :)

Great post.

VE said...

debo - Thanks. To this day I don't exactly know just what a turbine is...

bazza - Yeah, that's usually what it means in our area too

wings - I'm not buying it...nice try though!

Dot-Com said...

Ha! Think I pretty much wrote the opposite in my post :-)

Jeff said...

New modification to a classic song:
Who's peeking out from under a stairway
Calling a name that's lighter than air
Who's bending down to give me an egg fartEveryone knows it's Windy

Dakota Bear said...

Interesting take on the good and bad about wind.

Maybe the wind turbines are used alternately to conserve energy.

Brian Miller said...

lol, and i thought it was my bed hair that looked like don king.

it's all fun and games until the flames follow the gas back to the source.

Baino said...

Wind doesn't bother my hair at all, looks like I just got out of bed most of the time anyway. Now I'm wondering about the wind farm thing. It's true, they never all turn at the same time!

VE said...

dot-com - I'll have to go see the counter-point then!

jeff - I don't know why parodying that song always makes me laugh. I guess its just one of those light bubbly songs that lends itself so well to abuse. Nice!

dakota - Conserve engergy? Do we do that?

brian - You have it. Perhaps going out with bed hair the wind will convert it to perfect! Nah!

VE said...

baino - It's a conspiracy!

Serena said...

I can attest to the effects of wind on hair. We had wind today, and I looked just like Don King's paler twin.

The Silver Fox said...

Several funny-but-true observations. Great post.

The Silver Fox said...

Several funny-but-true observations. Great post.

Megan said...

Nice ones, VE. Your inventiveness never ceases to amaze me!

Janna said...

I'm not all that fond of wind myself either... mostly because I once had a home that was destroyed by a windstorm.
I was sound asleep in bed, and woke up to the most horrible sound... I rolled over in bed, and instead of seeing a ceiling above me, I saw stars.
The wind had ripped my roof completely off.
It destroyed my home, and I had to move.

That was about ten years ago, and to this day I get a little freaked out when I hear strong winds.

Kris said...

I like the wind!

Marianna said...

Ha ha great take on wind lol lol

I rode my bicycle for 16km with a strong 'breeze'! Couldn't feel my legs for a week :)

xoxo

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I like cycling in the wind but only when it's at my back. Problem is I can only go one way. Makes it hard to get back home.

VE said...

serena - That's too bad about the wind...and Don King

silver fox - Thanks. As my cousin says "Only the Truth is Funny"

megan - Thanks. Now I need to invent and extra few hours in the day. My blog reading is behind.

janna - That's exactly why I don't live anywhere that could happen. Freaky.

kris - It's all yours, my friend!

marianna - Yes, I did the same in really strong winds once. Fortunately I was in great bike shape at the time but even still it felt like a mountain ascent.

perpetual chocoholic - I'll give you that...a tail wind on a bike is most enjoyable...until you turn around.

Gladys said...

I grew up where the wind blew everyday and hard. Oh wait that is what they called me a blow hard. Of course that could be a good thing ;)

VE said...

gladys - I probably shouldn't comment to that!

Tom said...

i have heard of smoking sections in restaurants...but are you advocating 'farting sections' or 'rooms'? Oog.. i can hear it now, "I'm sorry, we have a 20 minute wait in the dining room... but there is a table for 4 empty in the fart room; would you like that?"

VE said...

tom - Ha! I like it. For those diners that really want to roll the dice...

Frank Lee MeiDere said...

Finally, a fellow Ancraophobe (although neither of us technically suffer from a fear of wind, still...it's a Latin term and it fits).

I've always found the wind to be a bloody nuisance. Ruins picnics, makes reading outside difficult, and turns wearing a hat into an Olympic sport.

VE said...

frank - Yes, don't be afraid to criticize the wind! We must stand up to it (until it blows us over of course)

reyjr said...

but i'd love to go parasailing first before you take the wind out! :D

:p and i think the windmills are awesome! haha!

Starrlight said...

I love wind. I think I was a Black Lab in another life.

Dalton J. Fox said...

I'm with you about that whole jumping off a cliff thing. Why the hell people do silly shit like that is beyond me.

VE said...

reyjr - Ok...I'll write to you in Mongolia...

starrlight - I think I was me in a prior life...

dalton - Gene pool strengthening, gene pool strengthening!

Maureen said...

Wasn't there a story a few weeks back about a little boy who wasn't allowed on the school bus anymore because he "broke wind" too often? Now THAT would scar a kid for life.

VE said...

maureen - Must be a Canadian thing...I never heard that story! ;)