Sunday, June 14, 2009

Hackers Ate My Homework

You know, everyone complains about spammers.

“Spammers did this to me!”

Or they’re complaining about hackers. “Hackers converted my checking account to Italian Lira and now I can’t do anything with it because they use the Euro now!” Whine, whine, whine! We’re all just such helpless victims.

I say we should apply the same techniques they use against us. Redirect their techniques on them! You know, have people carry east target decoy wallets with credit cards designed specifically to catch them pickpocketing. Perhaps it has a special locater chip that activates once stolen (or you just turn it on).

We could infiltrate “their” world with fake tracer cards and IDs. Perhaps I’ll even design a fashion jacket with credit and ID cards hanging all over the entire thing; they’d never know which is a real one!

Those spam callers? Take their number and forward it to a service that automatically dials their lines a billion times a minute.

Or have another service with trained obnoxious people that love to drag on their sales people without ever buying anything. You know, they would be working from home watching Jerry Springer and talking with these quick buck sales folks, “Can I get an entire case of Viagra?”

Sure, criminals are quite creative these days…but so am I. We’ll show ‘em just how obnoxious one can be!

I'll get the gnomes right on it!

49 comments:

subtorp77 said...

...and you can use Lily Tomlin to pitch the adverts, wot? Too, I've been catching up on your parodies. LMAO @ the latest "The Picker"...

Roy Scribner said...

I used to have a web-ap that I could send emails with and make the "from" address anything I wanted. I should try to resurrect that and have some fun with the spammers!

Mrsupole said...

You would be my hero if you did this. Just to get rid of them would be fantastic. You could even wear a outfit. Have a contest to choose the outfit. Yes, you would be the wind benath my wings. VE, my hero.

God bless.

VE said...

subtorp77 - Yeah, I finally added a new parody. It had been awhile. Since I don't open up comments there I have no idea if people even got there so its nice to know you discovered that section.

roy - Fun! I'd be just a little too prankish to have one of those. Good thing I don't...

mrsupole - Sort of like a spam terminator? A Spaminator?

Beth said...

While you’re at it, think of some creative way to get back at insurance companies that keep raising your premiums when you haven’t even made any claims!
(Yeah, I know – I’m bailing them out of the recession, too...)

Quirkyloon said...

Wow your gnomes are gonna be busy little critters. Actually, are your gnomes relatives of the oompa loompahs? And that would make you the "Wonka" of the gnomes?

I think I'm onto something here.

VE's and the Fantastical Nonsense Factory.

Where can I find my golden ticket?

heh heh

subtorp77 said...

Coming soon...to a theatre near you: "The Spaminator"! The long awaited sequel to "Hackers"...no virus can infect him...no hacker is safe...anihilator of adware...vanquisher of viruses...terror of trojans...smasher of spyware...he's here to defend against those who would infiltrate your cyber-world..."The Spaminator"...he's back and he's ready to do some deleting...

ReformingGeek said...

That's great, VE. While I've got your attention, I have a timeshare for sale....

Elizabeth said...

I always feel a little bad for the telemarketers. What a sucky job to have. Doesn't mean I don't say "No thank you" and hang up on them as soon as they start talking, but I still feel a little bad for them.

Janna said...

I used to be a telemarketer and it's a dirty, lousy, ugly, rotten job to have.
I hated it.

That was almost ten years ago and I'm STILL waiting for the rest of my soul to return.

Megan said...

The Spaminator, indeed!

Nessa said...

The decoy cards should be set with microwave beams that attack their gonads.

Ronda Laveen said...

I am designing the Spaminator's costume as we speak. Let's see...should it be red and blue with a web? No, sounds familiar. Need something different. Maybe black and bat like. I hear bats like spam. No, too dark. Maybe an extra large spam can with a metal key. Yeah, that would be cool and so would the car to match it.

Baino said...

We have a 'do not call' service to stop phone spammers and telesales but it doesn't save us form charities and politicians. I just put em on hold . .for hours. Actually I had my home phone disconnected and now if I get a 'withheld' number on my phone, I just don't answer it. Shit . .maybe that's why I'm not getting job offers!

VE said...

beth - The best thing to relieve yourself of the frown left by an insurance company is to imagine what it is like to work in insurance at all (and that you don't have to). See...doesn't that make it a little better...

quirky - Ha! I like it. Where's my factory?! I want to ride the wonkavator.

ronda - I'm liking the spam car idea. Imagine when he gets into an accident!

baino - I like the idea of putting them on hold for hours

subtorp77 - Finally, a hero we can relate to!

reforminggeek - Ooh, ooh...I hope it's in a swamp or something

elizabeth - They are in hell!

janna - You were lucky to escape from hell!

megan - You're scaring me...that's a Kurt-like comment!

nessa - Good feature!

Sans Pantaloons said...

I got a call from a rival service provider on my cell phone last week.
The gentleman went through his spiel and assured me thus:
Mr Nopants, I assure you I can beat your existing provider on price;
How many calls do you normally make per day?

I normally make one call every two weeks
Pause.

You make one call every two weeks?

Yes, that's correct. I don't use it much, in fact you're the first person to call me in two years!
Wanna have a chat. We could talk about stuff...


Er, Um Mr Nopants, I don't think I can help you. Good-day.

Click.

Brian Miller said...

i'm with you...if i have absolutely nothing to do, love to tie up the auto dialers for a bit. figure it saves someone!

VE said...

sans - Ha! That shut him up...

brian - I like the idea of putting them on hold.

Maureen said...

I feel bad for telemarketers too... life must really suck if you have to take a job like that. So I am never rude to them; I try to be as nice, but forceful as possible to simply say no, thanks.

I hope your gnomes are successful; at least if they stop this practice, people wouldn't have to sink to taking those awful jobs.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

My husband is great at this. He always seems to be able to get telemarketers to tell him their life story. They are usually sad stories so he tells them they need to quit their "dead end job" as a telemarketer and go for their dreams. lol!

VE said...

maureen - Does anybody actually make any money doing that job? Seems ridiculous to think so.

arizona - Helping one poor misguided youth at a time! Good for him...

quilly said...

I find spam to be wonderfully diverting. I like to grade their English and return it to them ....

Matt-Man said...

After several phone calls from a window salesman, I finally acquiesced and scheduled an appt. with him. He was quite pissed after driving 45 minutes only to find that I live in an apartment complex. Cheers!!

subtorp77 said...

@Matt-Man, priceless! 8^)

VE said...

quilly - Boy...I'll bet when you're done they look bloodier than a screen play for a slasher movie!

matt-man - Nice...you should have tried to sell him a Bagwine Ruminations subscription while he was there!

subtorp77 - Yes...he has a twisted sense of humor too!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I like it! Your picture of the day not so much though.

VE said...

perpetual - Ha! Don't worry...I'm putting a new one up very soon

gab said...

Just like those damn emails I get all the time. Someone from england or some where has died and they need my bank information so they can send me my inheartance. Yeah right. None of my family would leave me a penny let alone an inheartance of anything worth giving out my information too. Like Im that stupid! lol

Jeff said...

Ha! I love the way your twisted mind works. I once posed the question for my readers to give their best retorts to spam callers... but that was before I was "famous" and only had one commenter, so my query wasn't very effective. But I'm guessing that same question posed to your twisted crowd would receive a ton of clever responses.

Roy Scribner said...

Hey, the hacker ate my Monday VE post!

Gladys said...

Why is it Hackers never transfer money INTO my account? Why do they only take it out?

VE said...

gab - I'm going to need your bank account number and SSN to combat these crooks... ;)

jeff - Yeah...and you're right up there in front of my 'twisted crowd' readers! It's too bad about all the initial stuff we did when we had one or two readers. The odd thing with blogs is that nobody ever digs back into archives.

roy - Well now...I actually do the Monday post on Sunday because I don't post on the weekend. How's that for logic? I post 5 times a week but found that since I post on Friday, rather than letting that one run for three full days I split the Friday and Monday ones to run two days (Fri/Sat and Sun/Mon).

gladys - Well there was that bank in New Zealand that put half a million into that couples account...and then they fled. I don't know if they've caught them even yet...

Jaime said...

they just get worse when they're encouraged. the damn telemarketers never go away

VE said...

jaime - You need to move to a bunker in the middle of the desert with no connectivity what-so-ever. Problem solved!

subtorp77 said...

VE & Jamie, I know just the place. And you don't have to build a bunker, either!

Serena said...

Brilliant!

VE said...

subtorp77 - A submarine?

serena - Or nonsensical as always...

Wow said...

I don't think telemarketers plug in wires anymore like in that picture.

VE said...

wow - Good point. I also don't think that babies cry about hackers either (just to be technical here)

subtorp77 said...

VE, close but we still have underwater com links. More like one of those gov't surplus missile silos. I hear you can get one for a song...MX optional, of course...

VE said...

subtorp77 - Missile silos are so homey...or so I'm told.

subtorp77 said...

And you can't beat the price on square footage! Tho' you may want to do a pre-inspection first...preferably with a Geiger counter, wot?

VE said...

subtorp77 - It'll be hard to find a place for my corner hutch though...

BrightenedBoy said...

That is such an awesome idea!

VE said...

brightenedboy - Thanks...I can be an evil genius too...

Kurt said...

I like that you think megan and me are different people.

VE said...

kurt - Of course I secretly suspect that you run about 20 different blogs all with different names...

Mrs. R said...

Excellent proposal. I want to be one of the trained obnoxious people.

VE said...

mrs r - Excellent. The gnomes are really good at that too...