Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Sorry….I’m Cramming for Eternal Rewards…

Back in April when I was partaking of the always exciting sport of airline passengerism, I had to sit next to a very serious and religious man. Well, when I say that “I” had to sit by him I’m not being accurate. The wifey-poo had to. She had to because I laid down in the center aisle and kicked my arms and legs in a big hissy-fit until she let me sit in the window seat. Ok, that might be exaggerating slightly…

Now I could tell right away that this guy was very serious and very religious. Why? Because he had a bigger than life “Praise the Lord” tie to go with his slick-like suit he was profusely sweating in. I’m sure the tie jumped him up the ranking in heaven. Either that or his health is going to jump him in line getting there…

The other interesting thing I eves-dropped him doing was that he was incessantly studying these photo-copied cards. As I recalibrated my peripheral vision into "busy body mode" I found out that he was studying “Eternal Rewards” questions. Holy hell! I didn’t know we had to study! Looks like I’ll be one of the ones cramming on my death bed…

It makes one wonder though. What if they were real? Talk about your Un-Trivial Pursuit Game!!!

“Yes, God, I’d like ‘The Old Testament’ for My Life, please” and then when you get the answer wrong.

“Ding, Ding, Ding…I’m sorry, you’ll have to go back to teenage puberty again and relive it all over.”

This doesn’t sound inviting. Talk about the wrath of God!

Anyway, in a panic I tried to come up with ways to cheat…

- Can I make notes on my soul? What kind of instrument can you write on your soul with?

- Can I buy the teacher edition from Lucifer?

- Are there any angels on the take that can make a few key modifications to my test?

- Is God grading on a curve?

But in the end I came to my senses. If you have to take a test for eternal rewards, perhaps that isn’t the kind of place I want to be in anyway. I don’t think God is into tests. Sounds too humany to me. God has given man the ability to drum up religion to keep those that panic at the mere thought of undefined purpose with something to believe in and do. I don’t knock them…as long as they don’t knock me.

I slipped the guy a note that said “when in doubt…answer C”. He just looked at me.

50 comments:

Beth said...

Hell, life itself is a game - full of tough questions and tests. Who needs the damned cards?
(Do you get a sense of where I'm headed in terms of eternal rewards...?)

Serena said...

Deep.:)

ReformingGeek said...

Oh my. I can see it now. This man has to counsel other with the answers to those flashcards. I hope he has some kind of skill to make it sound authentic.

I find advertisement of religious views annoying but I can ignore it as long as they don't expect me to conform to their belief system.

Maybe Heaven is more like "Let's Make a Deal" and what's behind door #3?

Jacki said...

And to think I grew up going to churches filled with people just like that. Always talking about eternal rewards and how we could earn them. You earn rewards by witnessing and converting people and whatnot. This post brought back bad memories.

Roy Scribner said...

I got one of those Eternal Rewards cards from Costco. I don't think it's "all that", but it is kind of cool getting a rebate check every year. It cleanses my spending soul.

Maureen said...

Okay VE, where's the "Eternal Rewards for Dummies" book?

Looks like I'll need it.

Quirkyloon said...

"Knock knock knocking on heaven's door."

My answer? C

heh heh

BTW I noticed you updated post count. I beg to differ VE man. I was equal with Gladys before and I have NOT missed a post day. Hence mine should be 115.

Hmmpf.

I'm watching you! (And I'm keeping you on your toes, eh?) *smile*

Mrsupole said...

I just have to say that I read and was taught that as long as you accept Jesus as your savior and try to be like Jesus, you know, love your fellow man and follow the ten commandments to the best of your abilities than you get to go to heaven. I have never heard of this eternal rewards test. I thought how you live your life was a test.

So I think I like what I was taught better than this guy was supposedly teaching. My way seems to be a lot easier too. I kinda have my own church thing of not going to one, and that these are my church rules. I think that most people could follow my church rules a lot easier. Just do the rules I said to follow, don't go to church and you will get to heaven. What more can I tell you. Well actually I do have more if someone ever wants to ask. But truly these are pretty much what I was taught and what I follow. See you all up in heaven someday.

God bless.

PS....even you VE.

Kurt said...

Too humany, indeed.

moooooog35 said...

Ha!

I just got an email from Igamboo Binswala from Nigeria promising me Eternal Rewards if I can give him my bank account number.

Looks like I don't NEED flash cards!

Sucka! Enjoy doing it the hard way!

VE said...

beth - Sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays! Oh wait, it's Tuesday, isn't it? I should actually do something where I know what day it is...

serena - You're winning the one-word commenting contest! ;)

reforminggeek - Even Let's Make a Deal sounds intimidating if you have to negotiate with God. Things are stacked slightly in his favor...

jacki - Sorry about that. There's a place in heaven for people like that...it's called Customer Service.

roy - Ha! I get something similar from REI...

maureen - Ha! Good one. I'll give you "Best use of a previous post in another Post comment award" for that!

quirkyloon - Per your request...an audit will be initiated to get to the truth. Since I do them manually, it is conceivable that there might be a mistake. We all know how good my proofreading is. Janna submitted a query a month or so ago too (meaning she yelled at me too) and I corrected her erroneous score so look for a change if it is warranted.

mrsupole - I wondered what you might comment here. I take pokes and jabs at religion just like I do most other things. It's not like I'm an athiest or agnostic or anything; I just don't prescribe to organized religion...that's like zombism for me.

kurt - Why does it not surprise me that you would call out my made up word? Oh...and you've converted Megan into commenting this way now.

VE said...

moooooog35 - Dang! Give him my bank account too so I can get a copy. Oh...and here's my Mom's account information too:

VE's acct number: 2
Mom's acct number: 1

Chris Eldin said...

AHAHAHAHAH! This is about the funniest post EVER!

lime said...

lol, i can just imagine the look that guy gave you. i think being humorless must reduce a few of those rewards.

VE said...

chris - Thanks. I just sort of meander from one topic to another...

lime - I agree with that. God must have a sense of humor and weigh some importance on it otherwise why would there be so many funny things going on...

Nessa said...

I can so see you laying on the floor and having a hissy fit.

VE said...

nessa - Ha! You know me well...I blame the gnomes for my behavorial attributes...

subtorp77 said...

Oh, ETERNAL rewards (bloody cataract )...I thought it said MATERNAL rewards( where's my specs? )....

Ronda Laveen said...

Actually, God does grade on a curve. Therefore you have no eternal worries. In fact, you are probably in the 90th percentile. What is a "percen-tile" anyway? I looked for some when I was remodeling my bathroom and couldn't find any at Home Depot.

"C" Ya.

Ronda Laveen said...

P.S. I can't believe you tally all these comments. Do you work? Are there 36 hours in your day? Do you count cards, too?

VE said...

subtorp77 - If you're getting maternal rewards...I'm really confused!

ronda - Whew...glad to hear (s)he grades on a curve.

ronda - Ps...Of course I don't work. Who would want to go and do THAT?

Gladys said...

You know VE I picture it more like Jay-Walking on Jay Leno. God asks the questions and everyone gives really stupid answers. God, looking just like Jay, smiles into the camera and says "No Gladys, I'm sorry that answer is wrong. GO TO HELL!" Yeup that is why I am so afeared of errant meteor's smushing me into nuclear mush. It is actually God telling me to go to hell. The difference is he can do it.

Elizabeth said...

Oooh, I'm going on a trip soon, I'll have to try the "kick my arms and legs in a big hissy-fit until I get to sit in the window seat." technique.

VE said...

gladys - Slip him a nice $100 just before he makes his heaven/hell decision...

elizabeth - Believe me, it works! Do it long enough and you'll have the entire plane on your side because they all want to make their connecting flights...

quilly said...

God always grades on a curve and he has a grand sense of humor. In fact, I am certain he was laughing himself silly when you were throwing your fit in the aisle.

VE said...

quilly - I thought that stunt might get his attention. It certainly did get everyone elses...

Jaime said...

cheating on the eternal rewards show? doesn't that give you a one way ticket straight to eternal damnation?

VE said...

jaime - Only if you get caught...

Uncivil said...

Good stuff VE!
Why does religion have to be so serious?
I hate it when religious fanatics tell me I'm going to hell!
I belive in dust after death! When you're dead....you're just dead!!!!
No 72 virgins, no pearly gates,or in my case no ass on fire for eternity!!!!

nursemyra said...

He has to get through the eye of a needle before he makes it into heaven.

Forget the cram cards, maybe a few jogs round the block would be more beneficial

Dee said...

interesting take, I'm thinking on it.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Last Sunday our Minister talked about drywall and leaky roofs then he read from one of the Narnia books for half an hour. I'm wondering what God thought about all of that?

Quirkyloon said...

Ah, that's a good VE. *smile*

VE said...

uncivil - You're not going to hell...you're already there! ;)

nursemyra - Might clear his head out too!

perpetual - Drywall is deeply spiritual...or at least a handy skill to have. I'm sure heaven needs drywallers...

quirky - My pleasure!

VE said...

dee - Thinking? I try and avoid that...

gab said...

Oh boy Im in BIG trouble! Im 5? something and I think Ive been to church a total of 6 months worth of Sundays. My family was not big on going to church. I started when Mr. Gab and I married until that incendent with the teacher and our oldest son. I was baptized in about 2001 give ot take a yr. and even then I rarely made it to church. I felt so lost everytime I went so I quit going. I dont even understand the bible. Im a lost soul.

Janna said...

If there is any justice at all, God is going to give us all essay tests, and he is going to care a LOT about proper spelling and grammar.

People should start studying immediately. Just imagine; it would be a shame if we got hit by a bus tomorrow and didn't know the proper usage of two/to/too, or its/it's, or there/their/they're.

This is why Satan is trying to hide all the dictionaries.

I'm not all that worried about the essay test, but I AM terrified of the math test.

Does anyone remember how to solve quadratic equations?

Megan said...

I went to confession for seven first fridays in a row. That means I get a free pass. At least, it meant that in 1977. At least, that's what I was told.

Can I use my free pass on any airline, that's what I want to know.

Chris Wood said...

I have a good lawyer booked in for the afterlife. I suggest you try the same ... may well be helpful!

BTW many thanks for the book review!

VE said...

gab - Believe what you feel not what others tell you

janna - "Does anyone remember how to solve quadratic equations?" errr...divide by four?

megan - Yeah I think so but don't use the flight from Brazil to France...

chris - My pleasure on the book! I'm thinking a lawyer in heaven is an oxy-moron though...

Bunk Strutts said...

That's worse than pulling an all nighter studying for a urine test.

VE said...

bunk - I tried that one too. I was really pissed to find out it was all for naught...

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I think Heaven needs Goldsmiths more. Drywall's too cheap for eternity.

The Incredible Woody said...

Did you see any of his questions?

BrightenedBoy said...

Did you really give him that note?

I know you joke about it, but the idea of there not being a God is deeply terrifying to me, and I'm far from a religious fanatic.

It's just, if there is no Creator, what's the point to anything?

VE said...

perpetual - Good point. My gold filling will fit right into heaven. Oh wait...that's right...I have to leave it behind.

incredible woody - I'm afraid some are essay...

brightenedboy - No...it was a editorial embelleshment I'm afraid. He clearly had the tie and cards though. I also didn't actually do the hissy-fit either (but I know my readers won't believe me). I will agree with you regarding the point to it all. I might have fun with everything but it doesn't mean I won't look at all sides and angles.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

You could always write the answers on the palm of your hand.

My dad believes you get "jewels in your crown" for good deeds done on earth. So far he isn't getting any, but he sure thinks he is. lol. bleh.

VE said...

arizona - I have to wear a crown? They give you hat hair!

Dee said...

Praying for your soul ! LOL

VE said...

dee - Thanks, it needs it!