Thursday, June 25, 2009

Summer Survival Tips

Theme Thursday is SUMMER this week. Timely…unless you live south of the equator that is. Me? I’m going to move exactly on the cross between the international date line and the equator. That way I can simply roll over and be in summer or winter; spring or fall. When I go to the bathroom I can step into tomorrow and then back to today to get a snack. Sweet! But I digress…

No…VE will need to guide you through the summer season this year. I just got off the phone with Al Gore and global warming is no myth! He’s got a new multi-million dollar speaking fee to prove it too. But enough of Al, you can call me VE…and here are my tips:

1. Stay hydrated. There are many ways to stay hydrated in the heat these days. The camelback is a wonderful device for staying hydrated. Here was the prototype:

2. Find some shade. If you must be mobile, wear your shade. It doesn’t have to be a fancy shade…unless you want to go for this delicious bacon lamp shade.

The nice thing about wearing this is that a couple hours in the sun and that bacon is nice and crispy and ready to eat!

3. Wear sunglasses. They’ll save your eyes. That way when you get scammed out of all your money in your retirement years…you can’t blame your eyes!

Now I like this first pair that Kayne West wears. In the summer months the sun leaves a handy bar code on your face. Great for airport security checks…

But you might want to be more expressive. Try the bunny glasses…go ahead…

Ok, maybe those are just too “girly” for you. Then you’ll definitely need guitar sunglasses…


4. Use sunblock. Sure…they keep upping the ante on the SPF rating. Here’s my recommendation.

It’s an instant tan and 100% sunblock and you can get whatever darkness you want!

Yes…VE’s tips for summer will have you enjoying the sunshine year after year until skin cancer takes us all out…

50 comments:

Baino said...

Yay . .the first to burst . perhaps!
You forgot beer and eskies, hats with corks and pink zinc . ..urggggghhhh!

Baino said...

I am so happy because I've just switched to a Mac and couldn't comment on any blogger sites until I downloaded Firefox . . wahey! Back in the bizniz. For the record, early morning frost and fog . . 12 degrees celsius in Sunny Sydney.

The Silver Fox said...

Thank God someone took this topic seriously...

willow said...

I'm drinking a lot of water...is that what the hump on my back is all about?

Matt-Man said...

Does the sunblock come in taupe or better yet...plaid? Cheers!!

Mrsupole said...

I am with Willow on that one, yes now I know why we have that. Wot is that a straw sticking out of it. Those dang water sucking vampires, get off my hump or I will wax your teeth so they will slip on the straw. And quit painting your body white with the pain that VE gave you. What is wrong with you water sucking vamps, go to the southern hemi and get some blood in your vanes. Oh you have veins, yeah right.

Whatever.

Great advice VE, just hope those vamps take you up on it. Summer is brutal for them you know, no matter where they roll over to.

moooooog35 said...

You need the camel back to keep you hydrated from staring at all the camel toe on the beach.

Drool must be replenished!

The Incredible Woody said...

I have some really cool sunglasses with lighted frames. They are awesome!!

nursemyra said...

I don't know which is uglier - the bunny glasses or the bacon lamp

Brian Miller said...

feel like that camel sometimes...the bacon lamp...i guess it cooks it as you read by it...errr...any one for a snack?

Jacki said...

Emma is going away this weekend with my parents and her first request was a new pair of sunglasses. That girl is addicted to them, and she is only 5!

Today is her birthday, btw. It corresponds with our trash day, so we are tormenting her by saying "Happy Trash Day!"

Candie Bracci said...

HAHAHA!Those pics!the bacon lamp,lol!

subtorp77 said...

Princess Cheese would love the bunny glasses! I'll take the bacon shade thingy...better make that two! Mmmmmm...crispy :)

Roy Scribner said...

Those sunglasses a guaranteed to earn you a quick summer ass-beating!

Quirkyloon said...

Once again the great mind of VE and his great wisdumb offers yet another solution to a Quirky prob.

What to get my guitar playing boy for his b-day.

Thank-you VE! Thank-you!

Anne said...

If you live on the date line, can you go back to yesterday and not eat that second piece of cake?

Kurt said...

That lamp cooks bacon to perfection!

VE said...

baino - Yeah...summer doesn't really apply to you right now, does it? I'm not sure what the cork/hat reference is. I thought the world was out of cork; that's why wine comes mostly in screw tops now...

silver fox - The gnomes are very serious about their humor!

willow - Yep...you're turning into a camel. Go for two humps!

matt-man - Plaid might be interesting. I know it comes in Taupe because entire housing developments are painted in that stuff...

mrsupole - The last time I saw some vamps I was near the high school...

moooooog35 - Ha! Ask your doctor if camel toe is right for you...

incredible woody - Cool. Are they like intense stage lights? Is there an announcer speaker that says "Ladies and Gentleman, please give a big round of applause to...the eyes"?

nursemyra - The best thing is that you can wear both at the same time!

brian miller - The bacon lamp is genius. Think of how much more reading would be done.

jacki - Awww...Emma is 5? I'll drop by. Sounds like you and Peter have a free weekend. Wonder what you'll be doing!

candie - Yes, the gnomes always offer full service ridiculousness

subtorp77 - Good call on the second bacon lamp. A matching pair is important...and yummy.

roy - Come on now; I run like the wind...they'll never catch me. Be a man, wear the glasses...

quirkyloon - Be sure to purchase some air guitar strings too...

anne - Better yet, go back and have both pieces again!

VE said...

kurt - And you're the expert on all things bacon of course.

Jaime said...

great tips. so will the bacon shade really help you keep cool or will all that extra grease really fry you in the sun?

VE said...

jaime - You'll stay cool as long as you don't eat the bacon too quickly. I attach Twinkies around the bottom of the lamp; it helps soak up the bacon grease...

Gladys said...

I grew up in west Texas where temps would easily reach 110 but it was a dry heat. So instead of a steam bath it was more like a convection oven.

I have learned that the best thing to do when temps reach the 100+ just go to VEGAS. You see it's always 65 degrees in the casinos and you get free refreshments. Just don't go outside.

Nessa said...

I like the bacon shade. The melted grease will also help you get a golden tan as it drips on your body.

VE said...

gladys - In this economy, Vegas would be a good place to live...right in the Casino!

nessa - Or you can try my twinkie method (twinkies at the bottom of the lamp shade to soak up the grease)

Elizabeth said...

We have hoards of mosquitos here in the summer time, do you have any tips for dealing with those?? I have a feeling the bacon shade would not help!

Wings said...

hahahaha love you tips! And yeah, I agree, sunblock IS getting to be like a coat of paint! :)

Betsy said...

The bacon lamp was my fav....after you're out in the sun all day it will be crispy and ready to eat!

VE said...

elizabeth - I suggest a Segway and my patented tinted glass dome that goes over it. Those little buggers won't get in that! Either that or move to Arizona...

wings - I'm also developing "Sun Skin". It's a special second skin you put on to go out in the sun. Burn it up all you want...you can easily replace it.

betsy - What's better than that?

ReformingGeek said...

OH, VE! I want one of those camels. Instead of running, I'll just ride him. That will save on gas, too.

Although those bunny shades match my new dress I designed, I'm not wearing them.

Ronda Laveen said...

Whew! I was afraid the "straw sold seperately" was going to insert into a region of the camel that is south of his equator.

VE said...

reforminggeek - Come...wear the bunny glasses. Be the bunny!

ronda - No...definitely don't go South of the Equator on this one...

Serena said...

I don't do well in extreme heat. It makes me cranky. And I'm so sorry to have to tell you that your, er, gadgets would just make me crankier. Who the hell wants to wear bacon when it's so hot your brain is cooking?!:-)

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

You can never have enough of summer.

BlondeBlogger said...

A bacon lamp?!! Seriously? How do you find these things? LOL

VE said...

serena - You need to live here then. It rarely ever gets extreme. The bacon lamp would just mold here...

perpetual chocoholic - If you mean as in Suzanne Summers...I agree...

blondeblogger - All thing ridiculous find there way home to the gnomes...

yellojkt said...

I'm really fair-skinned, so I just don't go outside.

VE said...

yellojkt - That makes it hard to do any cycling

Jeff said...

I just follow Louie Anderson around. The shade keeps me protected at all times.

lime said...

if you wear groucho marx glasses you can make the lenses sunglasses and the false nose will prevent the need for zinc oxide.

VE said...

jeff - What if he puts a restraining order on you?

lime - Just how many pairs of glasses did groucho marx own? They're everywhere!!!

zelzee said...

My daughter has those bunny glasses and took pictures of my gradaughter for Easter one year.

I see therapy in her future!!

Uncivil said...

Jeeeesh.....I just left a gal's blog who had a post on chocolate covered bacon?

A.Decker said...

All really good ideas and my fave is the bacon lamp shade. My only complaint: the straw is too high on the camelback! How could you reach it? You don't wanna make the poor thing kneel down every time you want a drink! You can't carry a step-ladder everywhere you go! I guess I'm saying, that one is a tad impracticle.

VE said...

zelzee - Oh boy...I'd worry..

uncivil - Bacon is slowly taking over...

a.decker - You need to ride the camel and drink from the straw...but it was a prototype after all

Janna said...

If the strips of bacon were just a little bigger, they could make a nice mini-skirt.

VE said...

janna - Funny...I was thinking the same thing if the strips were just a tad bit smaller...

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

My husband would love that bacon lampshade. The bunny glasses are more my speed...

VE said...

arizona - You have a pair of those bunny glasses, don't you? Admit it...

Maureen said...

That idea of the whole equator/date line thing is brilliant. Too bad you'd be treading water all the time.

VE said...

maureen - I'm going to build a pillar from the bottom of the ocean and create my own little island!