Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Time Travel Orientation

Hey everyone... a couple quick announcements:

1. I actually won first place in a humor contest. You can see for yourself here. I don't like to toot my own horn here much, but this one paid $$$!!! Oh, yeah...now if I could just win one every hour I'd be set...

2. Kodachrome is offically off the market today. I know...don't cry. I did a song parody for it. Hop on over to the parody tab (you know...the tabs at the top of my blog that you ignore) to enjoy.

And now...on with the funny...

Time Travel Orientation

You know, the problem with time travel is that you get completely messed up as to which actual time you are in. Sure, the handy-dandy DeLorean from Back to the Future had that nice digital read-out of the time, but after you have visited many times and aren’t right by the DeLorean you forget. Here’s a helpful guide for some time eras:

Butt Suckers are:

1. What replaced TP and toilets as the most environmentally safe way to go (2072)
2. Corporate novelty suckers in the shape of a butt that VE sells (2010)
3. Leeches stuck on your ass to remove whatever disease you might have (1820 BC)
4. Employees that say stupid complimentary things to their idiot bosses (1984)

You need to contact your Dad for advice, you:

1. Build a fire and send off smoke signals (1838)
2. Dispatch a ship and wait for 9 months until its return (1692)
3. Yell up stairs from the basement where you’re living (2002)
4. Enter a query into the bio-track database to trace back the sperm origination (2149)

Your leg is swollen up and looking purply; it means:

1. Your bi-weekly blood letting appointment isn’t working (1273)
2. You’ve spent too much time in the fall out shelter (1954)
3. Your medication for “sudden goose bumps syndrome” has a side effect (2012)
4. Your new Insta-quads steroid enhancer is working great; just in time for the draft (2027)

43 comments:

The Incredible Woody said...

Hooray for cash! Cold hard cash!

Matt-Man said...

Whoa Whoa Whoa. Wait just a minute. As the inventor of the environmentally-friendly, Enema-Matic 3000 Butt Cleaner, I am kinda pissed that you let the cat out of the colostomy bag. Cheers!!

Mango Girl said...

Congrats on the moola hoola!

Love the parody and the picture of the day!

Roy Scribner said...

Oh snap! There are tabs across the top of the page?

VE said...

incredible woody - Cash is good!

matt-man - Ha! Leave it to you to invent something that sucks! ;)

mango girl - I'm glad somebody visits the poor lonely parody page!

roy - Well they're not Diet Dr. Peppers. You click those and you'll be transportated to a land of delicousness

lime said...

handy! in the BC years i could carry this around on a slab of granite.

in the middle ages i could carry it around on a parchment scroll.

today i can access it from my iphone.

in 50 years i can activate the chip in my brain

subtorp77 said...

Too funny, VE! The judges have good taste and can read, wot? And I'm glad I'm not the only one that's noticed the tabs( goes off to read the latest parody )...

subtorp77 said...

Bwahahahahaaa! **sniffle**; nice of you to bash Paul Simon...again! I forgot about the "50 Billion"...song! It still takes mea awhile to read that one, as I just can stop laughing**har, har!**

Jeff said...

Congratulations on your award! That post was awesome... classic VE all the way.

Quirkyloon said...

Whoa. VE and I actually have something in common?

No, not getting paid for humor writing. You got me there. And mucho congrats to you!

But Diet Dr. Pepper a land of deliciousness? Niiiice.

AND...I'm thinking one of those butt suckers could be a good thing. Kind of like a new and improved Depends.

HA!

Jacki said...

Congrats on the award!

How do you come up with these scenarios?

Mrsupole said...

Okay, why do I feel like I have been spoofed twice. Must be the time travel and the DeLorean mentioned in my spoof. But I love it. Look at the ideas you have given me to write about.

Congratulations on the award and getting paid to boot. That is fantastic. Seriously you should think of writing a book and get even more money.

God bless.

moooooog35 said...

"Your new Insta-quads steroid enhancer is working great; just in time for the draft (2027)"

?!?!

Alex Rodriguez is from the future?!?!

VE said...

lime - Ha! Excellent. I see your in fine form today...

subtorp77 - The 50 billion one is one of my favorite parodies. That and the Hot Tubbing one... something just makes me laugh thinking about those insurance people partying on bailout money at a spa resort. That's just messed up...

jeff - Thanks. That Wizard of Oz post has gotten a lot of press. There is typically 5-10 people on it during the day even though I wrote and posted it long ago.

quirkyloon - Of course I wouldn't want to have to clean that butt sucker...

jacki - Insanity...it's all through insanity. ;)

mrsupole - Don't temp me on a second spoof. I could have gone the "pole dancing" route...

moooooog35 - Na...he's just the role model. The inspiration for the prototype...

Mrsupole said...

Okay, now that is one I would like to see, or at least my hubby would. Maybe I should take up pole dancing and then write about it. But it might be kinda hard if I had 3 butt cheeks....the pole slide down one butt crack and then I slid up using the other butt crack and it got caught somewhere inbetween and they had to call 911, you should have heard the paramedics laughing. I can hear the stories now.....Yes, that would be a good spoof.

But hey I finally got a picture of that stinking Possum and I posted it today. You will never guess what it was doing. I could have never planned a better picture than I got. And near as I could tell it only had one butt cheek.

God bless.

PS...I liked the OZ story. I see why you won. It was great.

Ronda Laveen said...

CONGRATULATIONS, VE! You have a wonderful sense of humor and deserve every award you get. And, of course, cash awards are the best.

I have worked with many butt suckers. Prior to 21st century, they were called "butt kissers or brown nosers." But your term is far more accurate.

Ronda Laveen said...

So, what happened to "Let's"? Did it try to slip out early?

VE said...

mrsupole - Ha! You could have just borrowed Anne's horse to help you get unstuck. Plus, I'm sure there is a chocolate ritual that would have helped in that situation too. I'll come check out the possum...

VE said...

ronda - Ha! You must be on my feed. I was posting for this coming Sunday and my fingers slipped and it posted before I was done and could set the date on the post. I hate when that happens...

Dee said...

CAN I put in an order for 20 butt sucker suckers....sucka? LOL

Gladys said...

I'm sad about Kodachrome.
Kodachrome
They give us those nice bright colors
They give us the greens of summers
Makes you think all the world's a sunny day, Oh yeah
I got a Nikon camera
I love to take a photograph
So mama don't take my Kodachrome away

VE said...

dee - Not until 2010. I need time to develop and market them...

gladys - Yes...go check out my parody of that...

Elizabeth said...

“sudden goose bumps syndrome” I totally think I hae that syndrome. And congratulations on winning the humor award. Is this the first one you won??

VE said...

elizabeth - I don't know of any other humor competitions. I've submitted to this one twice. The first time I was a finalist and the second time I won.

ReformingGeek said...

Congrats! Didn't they tell you that the prizes is in leeches instead of dollars? Or maybe it was pesos.

Megan said...

Yay you!!!!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Congrats!

Kurt said...

“sudden goose bumps syndrome” indeed.

I like the piece that won the prize a lot. Was it ever on VEFN?

Serena said...

Kudos for your win! Cold hard cash is better than time travel most days of the week.

Jaime said...

congrats on your win. my leg is swollen and purple - but that's what i get for falling off a treadmill

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

Congrats on winning the humor contest!

Butt sucking? hmmm. Do they make those for infants, too? It'd be great to do away with diapers! Only problem is: wouldn't that scar them for life? Emotionally, I mean....

Uncivil said...

Does this have anything to do with
Before you wasn't, then you was, now you am, soon you'll not be?

Janna said...

.
Queen is:

1. The royal title of the chick who just ordered someone to chop off your head. (1561)

2. The group who just sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" at this most awesome gnarly concert, dude... (1975)

3. The adorable nickname of the best mayor San Francisco ever had. (2058)

4. The proper way to address the alien matriarch who just conquered our solar system with her 8,993,001 minions. (2271)

Carla said...

OMG, how did I not notice the tabs at the top of your blog??? Congrats on the contest / prize.

Mrsupole said...

You know it took me a long time before I got the "pole" thing, but when I woke up this afternoon, it hit me like duh. MrsuPOLE. Another duh. Okay, but that pole in my name stands for a telephone pole, hubby works for the phone company. You know up the pole.

Hey have you been getting my e-mails. Just wondering since the pole name is not on it. Although I did it on the last one.

God bless.

VE said...

reforminggeek - Probably monopoly money...

megan - Yeah, me indeed!

perpetual - Thanks

kurt - Yeah, I think I've got it linked under my "best of" tab. It's the one post here that gets the most google search hits. There are usually 5-10 people reading it during any one day.

serena - Yeah, and when I go back to the 1800s that $100 goes a long way!

jaime - Got to watch those treadmills...they're tricky. You never know what they're going to do. I'm sure the gnomes invented them...

arizona - Much of the world sucks; think of it as early training for that...

uncivil - No, that phrase is a secret riddle that if solved teleports you to a land of orgasmic delicousness. Either that or it was just something to fill in the field with when I created this blog...

janna - Ha! Excellent. I was there for the alien conquering. I wore my alien costume to blend in. They make terrific BBQ celebration dinners...

carla - See! I knew it!

mrsupole - Emails? Emails? I'm only up to Bmails. I'm a slow learner...

Wow said...

Can I blame you and your time travel for my tiny bank account?

Nessa said...

My husband is jealous that you can toot your own horn.

VE said...

wow - It's not the size of your bank account; it's how you use it! ;)

nessa - Oh yes, be jealous! Ha!

Alien Humor said...

You should bring coins from the future and leave them in the past just to boggle their minds.

VE said...

alien humor - Oooh...I like that idea. I could also leave pictures of them as older people with their future spouses and such...scary!

Maureen said...

Congrats VE! But I am hardly surprised... you write the best stuff. Time to consider a book methinks.

VE said...

maureen - I am considering a book. In fact, several. Watch for many things to come...