Sunday, June 07, 2009

Whole Foods

Have you ever wondered about Whole Foods? What does that really mean? What would they do if you went in and wanted half of something? Would they kick you out?

Perhaps I should go into business competing with them. I could be “Hole Foods”; I could sell things like donuts and lifesavers and Swiss cheese. You know; specialize only in foods with holes in them.

Perhaps I undercut them. I could be Half Foods. You know…like Twinkies. Twinkies are only half real food anyway. Actually, there might not be anything in a Twinkie that is real. I’ll have to consider my selection carefully.

I could definitely aim my marketing directly at them though.

Want half a dozen eggs? Come to Half Foods Market…you’ll have to buy the whole dozen at our competitor!

At our competitor you can’t get half a sandwich. At Half Foods Market, you can have it your way!

Of course, I’ll have to deal with the counter-attacks of half the customer service, half the quality of products, half the staff.

It’s such a dilemma…to half or half not…

46 comments:

Quirkyloon said...

Aren't Twinkies one molecule away from plastic?

Nonetheless, they are way overrated.

Just give me a stick of butter.

Ha!

Funny VE.

Maureen said...

I think you should go with Hole Foods and just sell the holes.

I don't think you'll find it hard to convince people they are actually buying something that is not really there. If anyone can, it's you.

Elizabeth said...

Hmmm, I don't quite get this. Is Whole Foods store or a brand? Forgive me, I'm a hick.
:)

Elizabeth said...

OK, I just looked it up, it's a health food store, and very expensive from what I can see. I would definitely go to your Hole Foods health store instead!
:)

Carla said...

Hole foods could be the basis of a whole new diet. Just the holes, none of the calories. This could be the making of millions.

ReformingGeek said...

Change one letter and pick up the religious market while you're at it:

HOLY FOODS - Find the purest and most blessed foods for your sacrament.....

Megan said...

This reminds me of my father's practice of eating only broken cookies, because "all the calories have leaked out."

Beth said...

Fiddle di dum, fiddle di dee,
Eric the Half a Bee...


(No, I haven’t lost my mind – you’ve got me singing this ditty from Monty Python...)

Ronda Laveen said...

Of course, that could entitle you to hire the half-witted at half the salary all the while reaping a huge government incentive for doing so. You could also market to the recently divorced. They only need half as much of everything now.

Hey, these aren't half bad ideas, but they might be half-baked.

Janna said...

Note to self: Start selling quarter-foods.

Perhaps some convenience stores which specialize in eighth-foods.

Jaime said...

nice idea. when I buy my groceries from half foods, i'll tear my money in half and pay you with half bills.

Uncivil said...

I'm only leaving half a comment here!

Sornie said...

A twinkie isn't even food. Think about it, the only two things that would survive a nuclear holocaust are cockroaches and twinkies. Would you eat either one?

subtorp77 said...

Yes VE, stick with "Hole Foods". It's spelled differently, juuuuuust enough to avoid litigation, wot?

You could also be open only half of the time, versus the other stores, thus using only half of the utilities required...

VE said...

quirky - I think that is margarine. But I'm sure Twinkies aren't far behind.

maureen - Genius. Holes don't take up a lot of space either. I could open the business in a phone booth!

elizabeth - Glad you figured out that it is indeed trendy and expensive. Healthy is expensive...until you become unhealthy and have to rely on meds and then it is expensive again.

carla - Holes probably even consume other calories you've already ingested. Genius.

reformingeek - You gotta buy those wafers somewhere! Good thinking!

megan - I subscribe to that philosphy!

beth - I LOVE Monty Python. One of my faves...

ronda - I half to give you credit for all of that...but only half credit of course...

janna - Ha! It never ends...

jaime - Clever...

uncivil - I half expected that!

sornie - What do you mean? I eat cockroach filled Twinkies all the time!!!

subtorp77 - And I could even use the old Walmart trick by giving workers half shifts that don't require me to pay them any benefits!

Mrsupole said...

Half or Hole, crap which should I pick. Halfahole is what I think I will choose. A donut with halfahole would be good. Then they could sell halfahole donut holes. Onion rings with halfahole, hmmm good. The way I see it, you have them both covered with halfahole. A little more to sell, and you can charge a little more than half of the whole.

You could also make your workers wear halfahole clothes that have each hole only half cut open. And they can only get sick halfahole of the time, because they only have halfahole of their health insurance on any given day. Think of how much you could save on their healthinsurance. But you have to make sure the doctors and nurses only have halfahole degree.

So I am only leaving you halfahole comment. Just think what I would write if I gave you the other halfahole of this comment. That is where the rest of the crap is.

God bless.

Matt-Man said...

We can buy a carton containing a half-dozen eggs at our grocery. It proves yet again that Ohio is on the cutting edge in the marketing of chicken by-products. Cheers!!

Kurt said...

I prefer a Suzy Q or a Ding Dong. A twinkie would be my last choice.

Roy Scribner said...

Why stop with food, VE? You could put on your own Nose Festival Parade every June and make a fortune.

VE said...

mrsupole - Ha! Another excellent twist on the concept.

matt-man - Yes...any state where vowels outnumber constenants three to one must be on the cutting edge...

kurt - You don't know where that ding dong has been though...

roy - Good point. But I'm picky...

Jeff said...

I keep wishing Subway had a 3/4 length sandwich. A 6" is too small and a foot long is too big, but a 9" would be just right.

Oh, and don't think I don't know where you're going with your reply.

Nessa said...

I finally solved my half-assed connectivity where i could only stay online half the time.

I love Twinkies and their half a millennia shelf life is a plus.

Gladys said...

Half Foods? Hum you could even start a fast food chain. 1/2 the nutrition and 1/2 the taste.

Gladys said...

Half Foods? Hum you could even start a fast food chain. 1/2 the nutrition and 1/2 the taste.

VE said...

jeff - Ha! Tried to cover yourself on that comment, did you? Yes...you're right. I'm thinking putting twelve inches of meat inside the buns is probably a bit much...

nessa - It's always good to know something is going to last half the millennia. I feel safer about the apocalypse now...

gladys - I could even screw with the orders at the drive through half the time

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna open a QUARTER Foods Store. Quarter pound burgers. A one and a half pack of beer. Three eggs.

So there.

VE said...

chris - Damn! Undercut again.

Ann's Rants said...

It's short for "Whole Paycheck Foods"

(some clever person made that up, not me unfortunately)

VE said...

ann - Ha! I like it, that's clever. I hate it when people think of clever things before I do!

subtorp77 said...

VE, that would do for profit. No time and a half. Ooh, you could call your store "Half-Mart"!

VE said...

subtorp - I half to say...that an ingenous title...

Dot-Com said...

The staff problem can be sorted. Just find out where Ryan Air gets their training done, and you'll know how to avoid offering service. Though that'll be no servicve, not half service...

It is, however, annoying, how most bigger supermarkets only give you good offers if you buy big quantities. That said, I love Whole Foods. Wish we had them here :-)

VE said...

dot-com - Can't say that I've had the pleasure of being irittated by Ryan Air yet. Whole Foods has nice healthy stuff...for a nice healthy cost...

subtorp77 said...

VE, radio ad spot:( Gordon Schumway, narrating ) "Here at Half-Mart, we're here for half your daily needs. You can enjoy the selection of half the items our competitors carry, in our not so spacious, half-stocked aisles; for just half the price. After all, you're only getting half of the product, so why pay full price? Satisfaction is guaranteed, half of the time! And returns are no problem, here at Half-Mart. Why, you just bring half your receipt up to the customer service counter. There's sure to be some-one there to assist you... half of the time.

So come on down to Half-Mart to-day. You'll be half glad you did! And now enjoy our new summer hours. We're open half of the time, so that you can have more time to enjoy for yourself.

Half-Mart; because we're half as good!

VE said...

subtorp - Ha! Brilliant. I'm having you write my posts from now on...

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I wish I could downlode your brain into mine. You're so brilliant.

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - I'm afraid my coding is difficult to download; it's too busy whirling to bother for such things.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

We Chicagoans call it "Ho Foods". I won't tell you why since this is a family blog.... !

Serena said...

Heh. Definitely a novel concept.

subtorp77 said...

VE, 'twould be an honour, but I wouldn't half a clew where to really start. Mayhaps Stan Freberg is looking for part time work?

VE said...

arizona - Ha! I'll bet IMUS goes there too!

serena - Well...half of one that is

subtorp77 - As long as I can get him for half his normal pay...

Anne said...

isn't it: 'to halve or halve not?'

gab said...

What do you mean Twinkies are a "half" food? You mean all this time when I thought twinkies were a ggod thing to eat and subitute for dessert that I wasnt eating anything good? yikes. I guess I better go get some ho-ho's instead.

VE said...

anne - Don't live in the past! ;)

gab - ho-ho's have chocolate. Somebody told me that comes from an actual plant...you should be good there...

Dalton J. Fox said...

Sounds like a plan. I didn't hear anything about half the price though. Surely that's the plan. Right?

VE said...

dalton - I'd only make half the profits then...