Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Just My Luck

The problem with being an only child is that I didn’t have siblings to beat me up and actually try and win board games and card games to humiliate me. No; I had relatives that let me win. They created an intense competitive monster! Shock treatment and “special” herbs have allowed me to lead a semi-normal life now among my gnomes, thankfully.

But somehow through it all I’ve noted that I also had incredible bad luck! Terrible game luck! I used to play Monopoly with my ex-wife back when we still liked each other and had energy from parenting to do so.

The problem with most games is that they have a degree of luck in them. Take Monopoly. You can use all the strategy in the world and easily lose because you’re the hapless soul that lands on Park Place with a hotel and can afford to pay it but then rolls snake eyes and lands on Boardwalk (also with a damned hotel) and cannot.

Meanwhile, I could have hotels on one entire side of the board and the ex would merrily hop from Chance to Community Chest to Free Parking to a Railroad to Water Works without landing on my properties….EVER!

No, I’m the guy that makes it passed their Hotel-laden properties only to land on Chance and get the “Go Back Three Spaces” card to land on the hotels.

Yeah, I’m the guy that lands on Income Tax EVERY time they go around.

I’m the guy that plans the strategic assault in Risk to where I’m loaded with 25 armies ready to assail a continent populated only by about 5 of my enemy’s armies. And invariably they roll a six on the die. Twenty-times in a row!!!

I once played Black Jack with a group of friends. We were playing with a number of people and the rules were that with every hand lost, the loser had to take a shot of champagne. Yeah; not very wise! Guess who drank the entire fucking bottle and got so drunk they were attempting naked handstands? That would be me…

The Game of Life? Yep; it came right at me…always. By the time I was done with that damn game I would actually have debt…the size of the USA’s debt!

Card games were basically the same. I was the guy in Uno that was given the “Draw 4” as the player next to me went out and everyone had to count their cards. Yep, I drew the 110 points for those last four cards…

Yahtzee? Don’t even get me started; I had more crosses on my score pad than some churches have.

I suppose this is why I’ve never been fond of gambling…

59 comments:

lifeshighway said...

I came from a family of competitors who were quickly bored with standard board games and their silly rules. We altered rules on a whim and were sharp sneaky cheaters.

Maxi Cane said...

This won't end well.

I can see you invading a country just to get a fair fight and laughing maniacally as you bomb helpless citizens out of their hotel room just because they happen to have mustaches and monacles.

If your tanks were in the shape of the monopoly pieces, I'd join you as your minister of fear.

Kurt said...

I'm third! Eat it VE readers!

Hit 40 said...

Want to play a game of poker with me?

Quirkyloon said...

So where are the pics of your "attempted" naked handstands?

Just wonderin'.

*whistles*

heh heh heh

subtorp77 said...

V...E...this...is...W.H.O.P.P.E.R...shall...we...play...a...game?

ReformingGeek said...

I bet you didn't even play Bingo on your cruise!

Maybe a cakewalk is something you could do?

I used to be good at Scrabble (I think it was pure dumb luck).

Tom & Icy said...

You need to join Big Brothers for Adults who were the only spoiled sibling: they send someone over each morning to whip your ass and humiliate you so you will be pissed off enough to go out and compete in the real world.

Jaime said...

wow. with that luck, I hope you stay out of the casino!

Nessa said...

i have a special herb poem on my site today.

Roy Scribner said...

You have the makings of a most excellent country music song, here! I'll leave it up to you to decide if that is good or bad luck.

VE said...

lifeshighway - Welcome! Anyone with a gnome photo is alright by me...even if you are a sharp sneaky cheater. I'm not a sharp cheater, I'm a pepper-jack cheater

maxi - That sounds like a lot of fun because mustaches are still so not in style and monacles... well... somebody ripped them off for the other half of their glasses. Dummies...

kurt - Eat it VE readers, indeed! I see you have a new comment slogan. Is that auto-generated?

hit40 - Ha...already capitalizing on my inherent bad luck! I like your devious ways but, alas, I'm not bad with poker. I know when to fold and when to hold and I actually do get some cards with that game. But I still wouldn't go to the casinos because there are too many really good players to rob me of my money.

quirkyloon - The damn zombies took them. I blame everything on the zombies! You'll have to speak to them (of course they don't speak, but they'll gladly eat your liver)

subtorp77 - Ha! War Games. Back when Mathew Brodderick was skinny! Yes, I'm sure I'd lose Global Thermonuclear War too. You can blame me for the radioactive crater down the street...

reforminggeek - No, but I made sure to make fun of the bingo players! I just cannot imagine cruising the Caribbean and being holed up in a closed room playing bingo...I'd much rather get laid and eat the free soft-serve ice cream they had!

Tom&Amp; Icy - Ha! I like it. The gnomes are already searching the internet for their phone number so they can book me a reservation. Damn them...

jaime - I do like to hang around the Blackjack table and scream "IRS Man" and watch the professional gamblers run screaming like a girl though...

nessa - Oooh, really? Will it bring me luck? Will I know immediately that it was professor plum in the library with the rope?

VE said...

roy - Hey, that's a great point. I'll need a pickup truck, a dog, a nagging or depressed wifey-poo, a big belt buckle and a mullet... that should complete the ensemble

subtorp77 said...

VE, you made that crater? I thought it was a sink-hole. Now I know why it was glowing-LOL!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Believe it or not I have never ever lost a game of "Risk." Oddly enough too, I've played mostly against men. I rarely win any other game, so I take it that world domination is my calling.

subtorp77 said...

@Perpetual Choco- I played the old Avalon Hill games. Way more of a challenge than RISK, but could take much, much longer to set up a round. And one game lasted a month!

Gladys said...

When I was a kid my brother and sister would make up their own rules to those games and I never questioned them. I thought when you started the game of Monopoly automatically the male person playing (if there were only one) got Park Place and then the oldest female received all of the railroads and utilities. Then you just fought over the rest. Me being 25 lbs when I was 10 didn't win in the wrestling matches. So I never won at anything. I however took the other road. I am NOT competitive at all.

Bonnie the Boss said...

I grew up in a family of 4 siblings and the opnly game my family ever played was scrabble. I still suck at it and now I have kids that all they want to play is "Go fish" and "Home made" (Old maid) Needless to say, you could probably play with me and we would both come out about the same in the end!

VE said...

subtorp77 - You gotta look at the bright side...the radioactivity goes away after about 10,000 years

perpetual chocoholic - Ha, you probably started from Australia when there were lots of players and America when there were only three. Yes...I know where to go with that game...I just need to roll 6s!

subtorp77 - The only Avalon Hill game I played was a trivial pursuit type called Facts on Five.

gladys - Those sound like excellent unfair rules. I'd make one called "I always win"...

bonnie - With our luck, we'd play and both lose!

subtorp77 said...

Ve, I'm thinkin' that it was a "clean" crater ( hence only 10k years )else-wise...48k+!!

Never played Facts on Five( I got into all the war relatd ones ). This, while the real nerds were writing code for early video games...boring. And "Axis and Allies" was always fun to play :)

VE said...

subtorp77 - I'll send one of the gnomes out there to see if it is safe...they like having three heads. I remember all the war ones, but I never knew anyone that had them.

ettarose said...

Now that was hilarious. I was fortunate enough to be the eldest child so I won every time. Even if I had to beat the shit out of one of my sisters to do it. Being an only child has advantages, ask my sisters. They always wanted me to disappear.

VE said...

ettarose - Ah, the eldest child! The one that has to suffer everything for the benifit of the younger ones. The feel for you!

subtorp77 said...

@ettarose, I despised being the oldest kid!

Mrsupole said...

Why am I the only one who is thinking this sounds like a "pity party". So you were an only child and the adults let you win, get over it. They should have beat the crap out of you. That would have taught you that you can't win everything. But at the same time I am glad you had all those experiences because that is what made you the VE that we all love and enjoy. Let's go play some craps together. You know that game is lots and lots of fun and if you have all the suits watching then you know you are doing good.

And we all know you would never 'let' a kid win, cause you know it really does not teach them about real life, where everyone tries to beat you at everything. Well maybe that was nice of the adults to let you win. But they really should have beat the crap out of you sometime. See craps is fun. Roll the dice now. Is that a seven I see?

God bless.

Baino said...

Yes my dear VE but are you lucky in love? That sorta makes up for it. I'm crap with luck and love . .go figure!

VE said...

subtorp77 - Awwww...you wanted to be the baby one that got all the spoiling... ;)

mrsupole - Yes, I defintely need the crap beat out of me...it would save time going to the bathroom and on the cost of TP...

baino - I don't know...go ask my ex-wife! Actually, I do have the wifey-poo now so there is that...

Sarah said...

I am also an only child and therefore competitive at board games. However I actually rock at board games...especially scattergories!
May I suggest putting the board games aside and taking up Bocce ball.

Elizabeth said...

I always sucked at games too, which is why I learned early on how to cheat! I'm a very good cheater, which is probably why no one will play games with me.

Ronda Laveen said...

Naked hand stands? That's one way to get it up.

Special herbs? I've heard that gnomes are very good at cultivation. No wonder you all get along so well.

VE said...

sarah - Are they efficient weapons? Can I throw them easily?

elizabeth - Excellent...you should write a book on cheating...call it "How to Cheat at Everything"

ronda - Ha! Well, some herbs are more special than others...

Jaime said...

very nice. i think you should come over the next time it's poker night. i'd like to have someone else be the sucker at the table for a change... no offense of course ;)

Mr. Charles debt guide said...

wow you sure like these games. i was good at monopoly, sure would beat you at that buddy

Serena said...

Shock treatment worked for you? Dang, all it did for me was leave me with strange cravings for extra special herbs.:-)

The Incredible Woody said...

Said a toast to you this past weekend as a drank in a bar called the Roaming Gnome!

Megan said...

The worst part of Monopoly was when all the properties were bought and the trading started. Barter is not my strong suit. I always got talked into taking the worst deal...probably why I never won Diplomacy, either...

Maureen said...

Yeah, I am definitely NOT a gambler. However, it is a gamble to play Monopoly with my hubby; he steals from the bank every time!!!

Collette said...

With your luck, if you went to a casino, you would pull the lever on a slot machine, your pants would split, the change in your pockets would be pouring out on the floor & the little old lady behind you would be picking up all the change & yelling "JACKPOT"!

gab said...

Im not sure if my poor sister ever figured out the true rules to Monopoly until she had her own kids. I would change the rules all the time to try to help me win. The only thing that saved me a few times was the slip of hand into the bank for that extra 500. bill. I have gone to casinos only to lose everything. I won ONCE and turn right around and put it into the same machine I won it from (something I learned later I shouldnt have done)only to lose it all. When my grandkids wanted to play games I had to hold myself back and play with the real rules and lose.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

Yea, I'm a loser, too.

VE said...

jaime - Actually...poker is one of the few luck things I do ok by.

mr. charles - I have no doubt you would. I'd be lucky to even acquire a monopoly because I'd keep landing on properties already bought

serena - Well...perhaps it was just the herbs that worked...

incredible woody - Ha! Nice. Thank you for that. The gnomes are so proud of you. That won't preclude them from moving that ant nest to under your porch of course... they're so prankish...

megan - Yeah...the trading was always interesting. You could always spot the softies...

maureen - A time honored tradition! You should feel priveleged...

collette - Finally I feel like somebody really understands me! Thank you...

gab - That's why casinos make so much money. I like your rule changing ploys though...nice!

arizona - We can start a club...

subtorp77 said...

VE, nah. I just didn't like having to be the "responsible" kid. If the others did something wrong, it was my fault. Then I got the crap beat outta me. Pass the TP...

Anne said...

"Shock treatment and “special” herbs have allowed me to lead a semi-normal life..."


hahahaha

Janna said...

I'm the same way: Only child, competitive monster.
I tend to be more competitive with word games (Scrabble, WordChallenge, etc).

Monopoly is just depressing.
And increasingly accurate these days.

The Incredible Woody said...

I hate Monopoly.

VE said...

subtorp77 - But I thought it was like telephone tag. After you get the crap beat out of you then you pass that along to the next oldest sibling and so on and so forth.

anne - You know it to be true. There's always a shock here (or at least an eye roll)

janna - I've seen your score on that word game they had on humor bloggers. You had like 3,000 more than I got. No, I don't think we'll be playing scrabble anytime soon. Now Boggle...sorry...I rule! ha ha ha

incredible woody - Of course you do. Only greedy zealots like it. Game designers generally agree that it is a poorly designed game. It doesn't allow for comebacks and isolates the worst in game playing.

subtorp77 said...

VE, no, no; you're thinkin' of "Dogpile on th' wabbit"!

Uncivil said...

I don't play!
I quit school because they had recess!

lime said...

i grew up liking board games. then i met my husband who taught me backgammon and declared me unfit to play the game with because i was too easy to beat.

VE said...

subtorp77 - It's hard to play that as an only child

uncivil - Yes, recess could be a tough course

lime - I didn't have a lot of luck at that game either. I hates it.

subtorp77 said...

VE, what? you didn't have any cousins to pick on you? They're worse than sibs!

VE said...

subtorp77 - Nope. My family never got together much. I have two cousins I know of. One is a comedian and I haven't seen him for 10 years and the other I do see on occasion.

subtorp77 said...

VE, no worries then. They could get pretty rough.

nursemyra said...

Have you tried Mah Jongg? Coolest game EVAH!

VE said...

subtorp77 - It seems whatever you had; you wish for the opposite.

nursemyra - You know, I used to know how to play that back when I was doing a lot of Asia traveling. But now I can't remember how to play at all. I do remember it being cool though...

C said...

HAHA! I love your posts!

I've got rotten luck with board games. I always end up with the X, Z, Q, and V in Scrabble.

VE said...

c - You can still spell 'qxzv' and tell them it's Yiddish for 'good meal'...

Carla said...

At least you figured out your odds. I'm still trying to figure out why that tax man keeps coming every year.

VE said...

carla - Probably conditioned response...