Sunday, August 02, 2009

The New University of Phoenix Cirriculum

Welcome to the University of Phoenix and our curriculum for the new economy. We’ve abandoned all of our traditional schools and skill set instruction knowing full well they will all be outsourced to poverty nations utilizing non-existent labor laws. It’s just good business these days!

Instead, we’ve got a whole new curriculum that we’re excited and eager to share:

On and Off Ramp Begging. Are you a creative person? Do you like being in the fresh air outdoors? Don’t like to travel? Well then we’ve got a career skill for you. This is one of the fastest growing occupations in the United States. We will teach you important skills such as:

- How to write a really tear provoking cardboard sign
- Which type of dog to get and bring with you to bolster donations

- Advanced techniques of canes, limps, eye patches and other gut wrenching props
- How to find and protect your spot

Suicide Bomber. Have you dreamed of working abroad for a foreign company? Now you can! This is a very special class that will teach you all the ins and outs of becoming a successful suicide bomber. The demand is really exploding in the Middle East for this skill.

Due to the one-time instructional nature of this class resulting in the death of the instructor after each session, it will be necessary to complete a comprehension test to ensure you have the aptitude to pick up the lessons learned without requiring a repeat session.

We also have excellent placement referrals to all the desirable extremist factions...

Unemployment Collector. That’s right. Learn the fine art of maximizing your unemployment benefits without ever having to work much again. We’ll have hands on sessions waiting in unemployment lines. We’ll provide you with credible fake logs on the jobs you aren’t really looking for. We’ll tell you what to say and when to say it in order to keep your unemployment benefits intact.


Welfare Recipient. It’s getting more and more difficult to collect welfare without doing anything. We’ll teach you all the right ways to get paid for nothing. Relax. Hard working people love to help you. They’re more than happy to pay more than their fare share ensuring you get money for nothing. We’ll give you hands-on activities and skills you’ll need for whiling away the days.

- Hanging out on street corners
- Having more babies
- Getting hooked on drugs
- Watching daytime television

Yes, here at University of Phoenix, all our courses are relevant for today’s job market reality. That’s why we are so effective in our results.

45 comments:

Roy Scribner said...

Ha, ha! I'll have to show this to the Mrs. who just got a grad degree at the Univ. of Phoenix!

subtorp77 said...

VE, 'tis a grim reality these days, yes? I'll brighten it up a bit by admitting I could just see Bea Arthur Standing at that unemployment window( ref: History of the World pt.1 ), handing out the sacks of money:

Bea-"Name?"
MB-"Comicus."
Bea-"Occupation?"
MB-"Stand-up comedian."
Bea-"Oh, a bullshit artist."
MB( rolls eyes )
Bea-"Did you find work last week?"
MB-"No."
Bea-"Did you try to find work last week?"
MB(annoyed)-"Yyyeessss..."
Bea-"Now look, this is your last week of unemployment. Either you find work or...

You can take it from there...

And Massachusetts has had a crack-down on "panhandling", of late so no job placement out here! Sorry!

Quirkyloon said...

Hee hee LMBO VE! I love it when the pan handlers are wearing their new shiny NIKE tennis shoes.

Really now, shouldn't they use their work shoes? Scruffy, falling apart at the seams tennies?

University of Phoenix FAIL!

hee hee

Quickroute said...

lol - suicide bomber cracked me up!

Gladys said...

You left out Dumpster Diving. I mean what Masters Degree Program worth it's weight in salt doesn't offer Dumpster Diving?

ReformingGeek said...

Wow! I didn't realize I had so many opportunities at my doorstep! I'm thinking of going the welfare route. I'm so excited!!!

lime said...

gladys has a good idea. i already have my undergrad work in that completed.

Betsy said...

My computer is bombarded with their ads!

VE said...

roy - Hope she got one of the lazier degrees...

subtorp - Ha! I wish they would crack down on them here too.

quirkyloon - Well...you caught them there. I usually notice it from the fancy backpacks and the well groomed dog with food...

quickroute - Careful...you're in places these days where they work!

gladys - They felt there was too much competition from the middle class to give degree holders success in placement...

reforminggeek - It's a wonderful route to take...full of tradition!

lime - I see... Sounds like you could lead the whole degree ciriculum for them!

betsy - Are they trying to tell you something? I keep getting dating ones for when I internet dated. Of course I'm remarried now and they didn't seem to get the memo...

Brian Miller said...

do you offer financial aid? lol.

Ronda Laveen said...

Can you send me the flyer on the On-Off Ramp degree? I kind of like explosives too. Unemployment forever? Sign me up. I could also use more day time TV. I think I'll register for your PhD program.

Janna said...

I picture the diploma being printed on the underside of an old pizza box lid.

Which, by the way, would also be an excellent spot to write your sign.

Megan said...

Getting Your Own Offramp should be a class in and of itself. With Ninja Skills Extra.

Baino said...

So there actually IS a University of Phoenix? I get email offers for 'free degrees' from them all the time and thought it just didn't exist. And that woman can't possibly be hungry. If there was a famine, she'd be among the last to survive! (Well she might have to race me for that spot!)

moooooog35 said...

Couldn't you have covered all of these with 'Liberal Arts?'

Jeff said...

Hopefully I won't need to enroll. My 2nd interview is on Wed. Wish me luck!

ettarose said...

Since I am out of work I may just have to apply to University of Phoenix, you know, just in case. I cannot have any children so that degree is out.

VE said...

brian - Sure...just mix with water. It's like Lemonade but without the enjoyment...

ronda - You could combine the suicide bomber and off-ramp begger into one programe too. You know..."pay me or I'll blow your car up with me..."

janna - Pizza boxes are coveted by the ramp beggars. You can chisel dried cheese off if you get hungry...

megan - It is getting hard to get prime on/off ramps. We supply "closed for construction" signs and cones to graduates to disuade the other beggers to go somewhere else and then once they leave and you get established...you take them down!

baino - There are many of them but I've never seen on that was actually in Phoenix...

moooooog35 - Ha! Ssssh...it does but it makes them more money by breaking up the liberal arts degree into its raw money making components...

jeff - Wear the lime green suit to that one. It'll stand out...

ettarose - I'm with you there. I can't have children either...the two I have are enough! As to work; I'm quite busy...I don't know how'd I'd fit work in even if I wanted it...

Anne said...

I got a duel degree in windshield squeegee and water-bottle sales.

VE said...

anne - Ha! Those are good skills to have. People pay ridiculous amounts of money for bottled water...

Nessa said...

Suicide Bomber does seem like a deadend profession. i guess it is more an art form.

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Uncivil said...

How about a cash for flunkers program?

VE said...

nessa - Most jobs seem like dead end professions...you'll be infamous with the bomber one though...

uncivil - Depends just how well you flunk out? Are you just bad or really sloth-like?

Hit 40 said...

My older sister has a husband who has mastered the unemployment $$. The family is also great at pimping out their kids for $$ from my parents. Just get a job!! They have been playing these games long before the current economic crisis.

...sorry could not laugh at today's post. HIt me too close to home with my dumb ass brother in law.

VE said...

hit40 - Bummer about that. But you can still laugh...all dumb things come to an end...

Serena said...

I'm enrolling ASAP -- assuming the tuition isn't too high. But then, I'll bet they could work some creative financing.:)

Brian Miller said...

how did i know if i followed the "KISS" on mr. linky from the TT site i would end up here...

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

lol.

Dee said...

i have family members that graduated with some of those degrees.

VE said...

serena - Oh, yes, creative financing can be had. I mean, come on, just look at the government!

VE said...

brian - Oops. I thought I had changed that and now I realize I double entered.

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - lol commenting as a career will be coming next fall... ;)

VE said...

dee - I think we all know somebody with a degree in one of those professions!

Wow said...

Can I just hang out at the University of Phoenix and get paid? That would simplify this.

VE said...

wow - Professional student has been attempted by many a person but only those with rich parents has it ever been successful...

Jaime said...

i heard they're offering a new series of electives in couch potato. homer simpson is set to guest lecture.

VE said...

jaime - Homer is an excellent choice as guest lecturer. He should get one of those honorary degress...

Alien Humor said...

Is that college really in phoenix?

VE said...

alien humor - I don't know, but I'd go there for about 7 months of our year...preferably Nov through May

Maureen said...

Part of the roadside begging curriculum for Canadian students: "What to do during the colder months of the year after standing on the meridian in June, July and August".

I nearly laughed in a guy's face the other day. Begging for change while wearing a gold chain around his neck and a brand new backpack at his feet. But the cardboard sign was properly scruffy, so he must have aced that course already.

VE said...

maureen - Yeah, I see those kind of guys all the time. I'm not paying for a better backpack!

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

I want to be a professor of on and off ramp begging. My ideas for this subject are truly revolutionary. Last summer I was truly in need of money, so I went to my local on-ramp wearing shorts and a bikini top and held up the following sign, "Need Breast Implants. Please Help!" I made $650 in 4 hours.

Of course, if any of that were true, why would I want to take a pay cut and be a professor??

VE said...

arizona - I'm going to need a personal opinion on the need for augmentation, of course...

Elizabeth said...

With summer vacation getting over and facing another year of teaching, I think I'd like to change jobs and become a welfare recipient. But do I have to move into a trailer first?

VE said...

elizabeth - Trailers are wonderful can-like living options...