The New University of Phoenix Cirriculum

Welcome to the University of Phoenix and our curriculum for the new economy. We’ve abandoned all of our traditional schools and skill set instruction knowing full well they will all be outsourced to poverty nations utilizing non-existent labor laws. It’s just good business these days!

Instead, we’ve got a whole new curriculum that we’re excited and eager to share:

On and Off Ramp Begging. Are you a creative person? Do you like being in the fresh air outdoors? Don’t like to travel? Well then we’ve got a career skill for you. This is one of the fastest growing occupations in the United States. We will teach you important skills such as:

- How to write a really tear provoking cardboard sign
- Which type of dog to get and bring with you to bolster donations

- Advanced techniques of canes, limps, eye patches and other gut wrenching props
- How to find and protect your spot

Suicide Bomber. Have you dreamed of working abroad for a foreign company? Now you can! This is a very special class that will teach you all the ins and outs of becoming a successful suicide bomber. The demand is really exploding in the Middle East for this skill.

Due to the one-time instructional nature of this class resulting in the death of the instructor after each session, it will be necessary to complete a comprehension test to ensure you have the aptitude to pick up the lessons learned without requiring a repeat session.

We also have excellent placement referrals to all the desirable extremist factions...

Unemployment Collector. That’s right. Learn the fine art of maximizing your unemployment benefits without ever having to work much again. We’ll have hands on sessions waiting in unemployment lines. We’ll provide you with credible fake logs on the jobs you aren’t really looking for. We’ll tell you what to say and when to say it in order to keep your unemployment benefits intact.

Welfare Recipient. It’s getting more and more difficult to collect welfare without doing anything. We’ll teach you all the right ways to get paid for nothing. Relax. Hard working people love to help you. They’re more than happy to pay more than their fare share ensuring you get money for nothing. We’ll give you hands-on activities and skills you’ll need for whiling away the days.

- Hanging out on street corners
- Having more babies
- Getting hooked on drugs
- Watching daytime television

Yes, here at University of Phoenix, all our courses are relevant for today’s job market reality. That’s why we are so effective in our results.