Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Fortune Cookie Realities

A couple of years ago the fortune cookie industry began to introduce “bad fortunes” to their little fortune cookie sayings. With a downward economy, this mean trend is really going strong. I’ve added my own twist to their market. Instead of the having the saying written in Chinese on the back of the fortune along with lotto numbers that never win, I’m adding the other side of the fortune to those fortunes that are still all nicey-nice; mine are the not-so-nice reality of it. Think of it as the yin-yang of fortune cookies. Here are a few samples for you:

There is a true and sincere friendship between you both
He just wants to get you into bed

The night life is for you
Your designated driver just left…you’re walking

You are free to invent your life
Nobody cares

Good sense is the master of human life
Keep your good sense of humor; you’ll need it after that layoff

Maybe someday we will live on the moon
You’ll only be able to afford the dark side

The best year-round temperature is a warm heart and a cool head
Unless you’re freezing in a trailer park in North Dakota in winter

Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress
Rethink what you’re wearing…NOW!

Your endurance and persistence will be rewarded
To the kiss-ass stabbing you in the back

Good Luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires.
Along with clogged arteries

You will find a thing. It may be important.
But it’s not…

In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare
Too bad you missed it.

You are more influential than you think
Trouble is…you never think

47 comments:

subtorp77 said...

VE, these are hysterical! LMAO! Ya gotta get these to market!!!

Jacki said...

I have always enjoyed reading fortune cookies and adding "in bed" at the end. It works most of the time...see...let me take some of yours...

There is a true and sincere friendship between you both...in bed.

The night life is for you...in bed.

Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress...in bed.

Your endurance and persistence will be rewarded...in bed.

Good Luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires...in bed.

You are more influential than you thin bed.

See?

Jacki said...

Crap...that last one should be

You are more influential than you think...in bed.

Anne said...

"Unless you’re freezing in a trailer park in North Dakota in winter"

you'd be in trouble if you were freezing in the summer.

The Incredible Woody said...

Does anyone really eat fortune cookies?

Roy Scribner said...

Ooh! Ooh! Can I play?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Your life is like a forced march.

Elizabeth said...

I like eating fortune cookies, I think I'm the only one who likes how they taste!

Gladys said...

Now add "under the sheets" or "in bed" to the end of those.

The best year-round temperature is a warm heart and a cool head
Unless you’re freezing in a trailer park in North Dakota in winter...under the sheets

VE said...

subtorp77 - I sure have a lot of things to market. Too bad I'm a sloth...

VE said...

jacki - Ha! I should have known. Hey, I did do that with one of mine. Your technique does work. I have a fortune on my desk that says "Your life will be prosperous if you use your creativity" In bed!

VE said...

anne - Then it means your in the dairy department of my local store...or the movie theater...

VE said...

incredible woody - You mean they're edible?

VE said...

roy - Ha! Spoken like a true employee!

VE said...

elizabeth - You'll now be getting a lot of them in the mail!

VE said...

gladys - That seems to be a popular ending...Jacki does the same thing.

Quirkyloon said...

"What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at, getting terribly fat
What do you think will come of that
I don't like the look of it"

"You'll get no, you'll get no, you'll get no fortune cookies!"

Sorry, I'm still in oompa loompa mode.

*smile*

Beth said...

I love these! Wish such “reality” comments did come with fortune cookies. At least I’d get a laugh out of them rather than my usual, “ho-hum...yeah, right...”

VE said...

quirkyloon - The Oompa Loompa's are in good relations with the gnomes. They both have a perverse sense of humor. I can see you must have some oompa blood in your family somewhere. Either that or your "special"! ;)

VE said...

beth - That's why I'd put mine on the back. Sure, the world needs optimism but it also needs realism.

Chris Eldin said...

You eat a lot of Chinese food, it seems. Yet you still have a trim figure.
:-)

I'm rebuilding my blog, and trying to think of foods to name my blogging buddies. This was just handed to me. Thanks! You're going to be "Fortune Cookie."

moooooog35 said...

Great.

Now I want cat.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I once got a fortune cookie that actually told me I would have a son. I was a teen at the time and not at all impressed! After having 4 girls I think it's safe to say the cookie was passed to the wrong person.

VE said...

chris - Fortune Cookie, eh? Are you suggesting I like being broken into?

VE said...

moooooog35 - You can never have enough cat!

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - Talk about missing the mark! You should have quit trying after... oh... say... zero kids! Your sanity would be much healthier that way.

lime said...

the last one i got said to be careful about the blogs i read. couldn't have been refering to you?

VE said...

lime - You should always wear suitable protection when reading my blog. You never know where those damn gnomes have been!

Kurt said...

You never think, indeed.

Megan said...

I want to play too! This one is on my monitor at work:

You are admired by many

Studies show most people are idiots

Meh. Yours are better.

nursemyra said...

fortune cookies taste better if you eat the fortune without reading it

Uncivil said...

Change you can believe in!
Government run Healthcare, Auto Industry, and Banking!

Ronda Laveen said...

That last fortune sure doesn't apply to you. You think plenty.

Chris Wood said...

My local Chinese eatery just has this one job lot of "Fuck you" fortune cookies, which are great to give to people you don't like, but not so good for unsuspecting diners.

ReformingGeek said...

Something special is waiting for you.

Uh oh. It's the guy that wants that damn ring. Be careful out there.

Janna said...

Clearly I am getting bitter and cynical in my old age, because these are hilarious.

Dee said...

love the last one the best!

Dee said...

love the last one the best!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

"You are free to invent your life
Nobody cares"

Story of my life, VE. Funny!

VE said...

kurt - That's my mantra!

megan - Now see...that's not bad! You've got the spirit!

mama-face said...

haha. You will find a thing. It may be important. ha.

Now add in bed or in the bathroom; depending on your intended audience. Who is...

VE said...

nursemyra - What if it said "Redeem if fortune for your million dollars"?

uncivil - Sounds like bliss, doesn't it? ;)

ronda - I'm thinking I should have been born a trust-fund baby

chris - Ha! The gnomes approve...

VE said...

reforminggeek - Could be...but more than likely its a bill in your mail that's waiting for you

janna - Only the truth is funny

dee - Hmmm...did you scan and just read the bottom one? Fess up... ;)

MikeWJ - Other than my blog...true for me too! Welcome to the club

mama-face - How did I miss these important add-ons all my life? I want a refund!

Mrsupole said...

I like to eat fortune cookies, but now I will actually have to read the fortunes and do that yin and yang thing to them or that adding something to the end of them. Hmmmm, will have to think what ending to add. Oh screw it, too hard on my brain right now to think. Must have been that stir-fry hubby made for dinner tonight.

God bless.

Jaime said...

you and the gnomes could go into writing fortunes. those were great

VE said...

mrsupole - You get a fortune cookie when you cook stir-fry at home? Cool...

jaime - I have a knack for the pessimistic side, don't I? (don't answer that...)

Maureen said...

Ha!

It's rare when I eat the cookie. I wonder how many are thrown away? I'll bet 80% at least are.

VE said...

maureen - Are you saying you like your cookies cooked rare?