Sunday, September 20, 2009

Naked in the White House

With a resounding win in the voting, "Naked in the White House" is the story theme that one out the story poll. I'll replace it with two new subjects and keep the top two other ones (which means one drops out). You can vote for the next one starting now. Meanwhile, here's your story, written completely improv:

The guard came running up, a look of bewilderment pasted on his face, “You’re naked!”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes, you’re definitely naked. I can see all your naughty bits.”

“Well, I'd prefer to refer to them as something bigger than bits, actually.”

“Doesn’t matter, you can’t be naked in the White House.”

“Why not? You’re naked under your clothes.”

“The difference is, you don’t have any clothes on and I do.”

“No, that’s not true. I’m wearing all of my clothes. They just happen to be completely invisible. Feel.”

“Buddy…I’m not going to feel you.”

“Then you’re just going to have to trust that I am wearing invisible clothes.”

At that moment, the All-American girls collegiate volley ball team goes by on their way to meet the president in the outer courtyard. Glances, wry smiles and winks were exchanged during the encounter.

“Whoa…buddy…that’s not cool. Strap that thing down. You’re going to have to come with me. You need some clothing.”

“I told you. I have clothing on. And I know how to fix my excitement at being in the White House.”

There’s a long pause and the guard follows him down the West Wing Hall.

“See, there’s Hillary. Hi Hillary.”

“Hey, good thinking, you shrunk up like sponge in a desert!”

“Works better than a cold shower!”

“Still, you’ve got to come to security; I’m afraid we’re going to have to arrest you.”

“For what, I told you, I’m wearing clothes. Here, I’ll take off my jacket and you can wear it.”

The gentleman removes his jacket while the guard stands there wondering why he’s going to such elaborate means of faking the motions to take off a jacket that doesn’t exist. The gentleman throws him the invisible jacket. The guard drops back, startled, because something just wrapped over his head.

“Stay back. I don’t know what kind of a game this is but I’m calling for backup.”

“It’s not a game, it’s a jacket. Take it off your head and put it on.”

The guard removes the invisible jacket from his head and feeling around as if blind, figures out where the sleeves are and tries it on.

“Hey, this really is an invisible jacket. But I’m not naked under it.”

“That’s because you put it on over your clothes. It’s only going to show what can be seen underneath. It’s not going to tell me you have colored Hanes briefs on.”

“Who told you that I’m wearing colored briefs?”

“You just did”

“Oh. Right. Very sneaky. Listen, you’ve got to leave; you can’t wear invisible clothes in the White House.”

“Really? You have a policy just for that?”

“There was that Emperor and his new clothes…”

“That was a story.”

“Buddy…we’re approaching the President's press conference and those marines are going to tear you up. I’d suggest you put this on.”

Grabbing a table cloth from the serving table being set up for a conference, the guard wraps it around the gentleman’s waste, forming what appears to be a skirt. It was too late though, the Marines witnessed the whole event. They ran up to the gentleman and with a bit of a struggle, forced him to the floor and arrested him. The scuffle caught the attention of the press as they witness a half-naked gentleman getting abuse from the military guards.

The headline the next day read: White House further restricts right to bear arms.

48 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Dang, first again. Yea!!!!!!

Mrsupole said...

ROFLMAO

Okay, just when you think Bill cannot do anything more embaressing, there he goes.

Hey VE, does he know that you were hiding in the Bushes, watching this whole exchange and that you could barely hear the conversation, but that you did secede with total concentration and no loss of organizing the oak seeds into some kind of orderly fake tax paying resemblance. Gee you were lucky that the naked guy showed up when he did.

This is probably one of your best stories ever, bare arms and all, shooting blanks at Hillary. Lock and load, what other restrictions are yet to come?

God bless.

Mrsupole said...

And just so you know I am scared of just about everything there on the list. And I would have voted for people with guns too, except you did not put the part about them pointing at me, that would be the only time I am scared of people with guns. You know being ex military and weapons trained here.

Yup, only scared of guns when they are pointed at me, other than that, target practice is fun, fun and more fun, especially when you hit the target. Not so much fun when you shoot the trainer. Well it was an accident. Just kidding, I can shoot really big targets. Actually I can shoot a plastic lid floating on a lake, that is what weapons training teaches you and using one of those big artillery guns really makes sure you can hit that lid. I learned that during artillery training. Oh and I love tanks, really big tanks.

God bless.

subtorp77 said...

Is she done?-LOL! Will have to vote on the new round as well, VE. Truly fantastical story, here :)

monica said...

hm, so those kind of stories is what gives the US political news the WOW effect...

ReformingGeek said...

Oh my. Invisible clothes. I wonder if they keep you warm and protect your cheeks from scratchy, splintery chairs?

The Incredible Woody said...

That's almost exactly what I witnessed at a music festival this summer. A naked was arguing with his friends that he did, in fact, have clothes one!! The friends finally gave up and let him be naked.

Kurt said...

I didn't notice the poll.

lime said...

doh! wouldn't it be the right to bare arms though?

and yeah, the bit with hilary cracked me up.

Jeff said...

Good one! I have the ability to write ad lib like this too. Of course I usually edit it 6 times before I publish it... but still.

Quirkyloon said...

He was Gittin Nekkid Wit It!

Ha! Funny story. hee hee

Elizabeth said...

:), very funny! Well, at least he doesn't have to worry about going through the metal detectors or being searched by security!

VE said...

mrsupole - Thanks. It was improv; I never know if it'll turn out or not. With all your guns and training; remind me not to get on your bad side!

VE said...

subtorp77 - Thanks. I was actually sitting with no pre-scheduled posts ready to go either. Not only was it improv but I needed to write it because I didn't have any other posts ready to go (sometimes I have as many as 17 ready)

VE said...

monica - It's sort of the state of our journalism here in the USA...

VE said...

reforminggeek - Absolutely. They're great for keeping your tan on the ski slope. Wait until the huggies version comes out!

VE said...

incredible woody - Do you mean I have to sue for patent infringement? ;)

VE said...

kurt - I'm very hurt about that...

VE said...

lime - You know me, I couldn't resist the urge to drag it into the gutter a little bit...

VE said...

jeff - Well then you're a better man than me. I just finished my second edit of my book and editing takes time! It's almost like work, uggh...

VE said...

quirkyloon - It's always about the nekkid...

VE said...

elizabeth - True. In fact if more people wore them the airline security could do mole inspections too!

ettarose said...

That was a very good made up on the spot story. I love the new rules that cacme out of it.

Ronda Laveen said...

Shrunk like a sponge? Too funny!

Kevin John said...

With all due respect VE I would disagree w/the headlines.

In this day of age they would more rather read:

"WOULD BE RAPIST STOPPED BEFORE MOLESTING FIRST LADY AND CHILDREN BY HEROIC MILITARY PERSONEL EVEN PUTTING THEMSELVES AT RISK OF LIFE AND LIMB! GOD BLESS AMERICA!"

And that would just be the main stream news & TeeVee media BS story.

God help us what National Enquire would come up with.

Oh screw it, you got a spare beer dude?

You know, its really hard to come up with something funny these days VE..if you know what i mean.

VE said...

ettarose - Thanks, it's sometimes difficult to write improv humor fiction stories based on a topic. I think straight fiction would be much easier.

VE said...

kevin john - I could see that happening. These days though I think the press is too stupid and crass to run a feel-good heroic byline; fear sells much better. I know what you mean about coming up with something funny...

Gladys said...

Now I wonder would the same thing have happened if it were a woman wearing the invisible suit?

Jaime said...

you and the gnomes did a great job with that one.

but i'm with gladys - that story would have taken a whole different turn if it was a woman in the invisible clothing

Janna said...

"shrunk up like a sponge in the desert..."

LOL!!!

Baino said...

You are such a dag! (Aussie term of endearment or a bit of poo on a sheeps bum . . you choose which applies)

tony said...

Oh Lord! I have this Vision in my head of Gordon Brown Naked Too! Arghhhhhhhhh...............

VE said...

gladys - There'd probably be more Marines tackling her for the arrest...

VE said...

jaime - Probably could have cut out the Hillary Part given that...

VE said...

janna - Sometimes I come up with a funny...

VE said...

baino - That's definitely two different directions, isn't it? I go with the first one I guess; you never know where sheep have been...

VE said...

tony - See, that's not the right image...I cannot be responsible for twisted naked politicians, etc. when reading this story! ;)

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

good one!

Dee said...

very entertaining, even tho I didn't vote for Naked in the White house.

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - Thanks

dee - Sorry your vote wasn't the winner; perhaps its still back on the new poll and will win next time.

Chris Wood said...

Doh!

I repeat:

Doh!

Serena said...

It's all a matter of perception. Right?;)

Hit 40 said...

I always enjoy the line... strap it on. Cracks me up!! You must include it in all of your posts.

VE said...

chris - Don't forget Ray, Me, and all those other ones...

serena - Or perspiration...

hit 40 - I'll had to consider that one. Perhaps I could be the next Arnold "I'll be back" Schwarzenegger!

Starrlight said...

LOL! Ok that was funny. Even the groan worthy pun was funny.

VE said...

starrlight - Glad I could eke a groan out of you there...

Maureen said...

Aw. Here I thought it was the current Prez that was nekkid...

VE said...

maureen - He's got enough scrutiny right now...I'll spare him this one.