Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Arkansas PTA Meeting

Time for another vote-winning fiction story. This winner was the "Arkansas PTA Meeting" from last week. Enjoy...

It was the first annual All-State PTA convention. PTA’s from every state had assembled across the rented sprawling field and set up shop to talk all things education. My friend’s family was from Arkansas and so we were bound and determined to find their camp and support his state. Walking across the field there were various themes going on.

California had their camp on fire to commemorate the billions of singed acreage they destroy every year for developing a desert with so many people.

New Orleans had a giant fan and a wave pool built to demonstrate just how unprepared they still are for the next class 24 hurricane to go romping through what used to be an adequate natural sea surge barrier but now has development on it and our version of a flimsy levy system.

Some of the camps were quite impressive. The Massachusetts camp had mini-replicas of Harvard and MIT and were doing cold-fusion experiments and cloning research on members of the Bush family in hopes to find a substitute to cruel animal testing.

As we passed through the camps looking for the Arkansas PTA my friend noticed the sign. There it was: Arkansas. But this wasn’t the Arkansas I expected. Why they had historical Indian cultural centers set up with herbal healing. They had a giant bio-fuel station set up to help educate the public on the use of corn as a fuel substitute. I was impressed; maybe there is hope for humankind after all if they’d gone from being the state with the most faxed jokes about their schooling system to this. Go education! I was so enthralled that I went to congratulate one of the students.

“Congratulations, this is the most impressive camp I’ve seen yet. I never would have thought Arkansas was so refined; so interesting.”

He just looked at me funny, “Arkansas? Yeah, right. We stole their sign on day one while they were out hunting their breakfast. What a bunch of dopes; go check out their camp, it’s just down the hill.”

Scratching our heads, we followed his directions to what could only be the Arkansas PTA camp. Their setup was a series of attached mobile homes all loosely connected. Nice of them to bring their trash with them!

Somehow they’d procured part of the lake and part of the swamp next to it as a piece of their camp. We found one of their PTA colleagues just leaving for his yacht.

He said he wouldn’t be gone too long but we were welcome to use his swamp buggy should we care to enjoy ourselves until he got back

I informed him that it was regrettable we didn’t carry a license for stupidity and therefore couldn’t partake in his offroad entertainment. We waited around for him to take his “yacht” and fetch some cold beer the camp had stashed on the other side of the lake.

Once he returned, he showed us to the mess hall for some food and to meet with the other toothless educators trying to find somebody that could read the day’s agenda.

After managing to avoid rabies and whatever other diseases stemmed from the barbeque possum and grilled catfish, we stayed just long enough for their afternoon of entertainment. They called it the Redneck Olympics; part of their leave no hound behind policy.

First up was the Thong pull. Apparently the grounds wouldn’t allow actual tractors and so they had to improvise.

Then they ended the fun with a round of horsehoes. Well, I didn’t see any horses and these certainly weren’t their “shoes”…or I hoped not.

Leaving their camp, we passed by their camp mail box and I shook my head. I guess some things never change.

56 comments:

Uncivil said...

You mean I beat Mrsupole?????

Uncivil said...

Holy crapola?????Where is everybody? I got second comment too?

Mrsupole said...

Oh no, not the PTA conspiracy gnomes. they are chasing me now and all the way from Arkansas. I am now on the run. Gotta go and hide. Where? The voices told me to go to the coal mines. The alien gnomes do not like the coal mines.

See you there.

God bless.

Mrsupole said...

Uncivil,

You have to go on the run too. They are gonna get you too. Go to the coal mines. Hurry.

God bless.

Great job to beat me for first and second. I knew I should have stopped and wrote first before I ran.

God bless.

Uncivil said...

That thong pull looks like it's got her mooseknuckle in a bind?

Uncivil said...

I think you just let me beat you Mrs-U? Mighty sweet of ya!

Mrsupole said...

Now would I do something nice like that. Never. But yes, the thong one was a little strange and the cloning of me took place so fast that I have to say it was the clone who did it. Nance is trying to clone me to vote for her. But the voices told me and that is why I am now hiding in the mines. The clone doesn't have any voices and is now stuck listening to Nance and is ready to run away, but just doesn't know where to go. I think I will go deeper and deeper into the mines. It will take them longer to find me.

God bless.

Candie Bracci said...

I wouldn't want to interrompt what is going on between Mrsupole and Uncivil,no,no,no,lol
Hum..about those pictures..my eyes!My eyes!!no comment!

Quirkyloon said...

Well at least I can be grateful for one thing: you didn't show us the front side to the thong-pull picture.

Now I know, there is something scarier than THAT!

Only you VE. Only you!

hee hee

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving. We have to be different just because.

ReformingGeek said...

I'll pass on the thong pull but raise you a school bus bunker. Now THAT actually makes some sense.

;-)

The Incredible Woody said...

Grilled catfish, instead of fried! How can they even claim to be from the South?

VE said...

uncivil - Sheesh...you and mrsupole? Get a room! ;) You guys have a full converstation and I hadn't even visited my own blog yet.

VE said...

mrsupole - Now you got uncivil nabbing first. Next thing you know he'll be voting democrat!

VE said...

candie - You're eyeing the 2014 Olympics for the thong pull, aren't you?

VE said...

quirkyloon - See, there's always a bright side!

VE said...

pereptual chocoholic - You Cannucks just had to go ahead and do Thanksgiving earlier, didn't you?

VE said...

reforminggeeks - Yes, bunkers are big in some parts of Texas! ;)

VE said...

incredible woody - Well, I wouldn't claim Arkansas as the deep South, now...

Gladys said...

VE when my dad was wee child way back in the 1930's his family had a family reunion. His relatives came to the family reunion in a covered cattle truck. They had set the inside of the cargo area with a stove, beds, and rocking chairs. My dad charged his friends a nickle a piece to see his hillbilly relatives. Little did he know they were actually the geniuses who invented the motor home. :)

Dot-Com said...

Ha ha, that was amusing. Good reading to end the week!

Jaime said...

i think i'll pass on the thong pull - but the gun mail box is kinda cool.

Elizabeth said...

How drunk do you have to be to be in a thong pull?? There's not enough rum in the world for me!

subtorp77 said...

Redneck condos! And the "mailbox", hoo-boy! But(t) a thong pull? GAH!

Baino said...

What's really, really disturbing about this is that wherever these photos originated actually exists!

Bonnie the Boss said...

Just got back from good old Arkansas, and yet these pics still scare me!

Roy Scribner said...

Ewwwww! Is that Oregon?

Jacki said...

You should have warned us ahead of time about the thong pull...now I am not going to be able to sleep tonite.

VE said...

gladys - Ha! Isn't that what they say...necessity is the mother of invention.

VE said...

dot-com - I thought it fitting that the mail one was last.

VE said...

jaime - You sure? I hear thongs are quite stretchy...

VE said...

elizabeth - You just have to be from Arkansas! ;)

VE said...

subtorp77 - Come on now, I'm sure they did the same in the Navy! ;)

VE said...

baino - You can sleep at night knowing that its probably far far away from where you are.

VE said...

bonnie - Ha! Yes, everyone from Arkansas is going to be after me now. Is Oprah from Arkansas?

VE said...

roy - Well if it is, it's Southern Oregon.

VE said...

jacki - Ha! When have I EVER warned you? My whole blog is a cautionary tale...

Serena said...

LOL! Makes me glad I'm a Southern girl -- but not from Arkansas.:)

Bonnie the Boss said...

I don't know about Oprah, but I am glad I don't have to go back for a while! It is a scary place!

Janna said...

The best part about the swamp buggy is that it wouldn't flatten the possum when you ran over it.
You could just sort of stun it, and it would be in one piece when you were ready to fricassee it later that night with your 2nd cousin (who also happens to be your niece, ex-wife, girlfriend, and sister-in-law.)

VE said...

serena - That's the key point here...

VE said...

bonnie - It's one of only 20 states I haven't been to...

VE said...

janna - Ha...fricasee...I just don't see that word anymore. I like it. Well, not the possum...

VE said...

janna - Ha...fricasee...I just don't see that word anymore. I like it. Well, not the possum...

Bonnie the Boss said...

Have you been to Kansas? If it was me and I had it to do over again, I would skip them both.

VE said...

bonnie - Ha...see...I've never been to Kansas or Nebraska either. Or North Dakota. I've chosen wisely over the years...

Bonnie the Boss said...

Your wisdom is showing!

VE said...

bonnie - Better my wisdom than other things... ;)

Dee said...

i heart me some possum pie eating contest

Anne said...

another fine example of posts that get my patented eye-roll/head shake.

Megan said...

That mobile-home (tree) house thingy is kinda cool...

Maureen said...

I sure hope MIT gets a huge grant. They really DO need to perfect those "cold-fusion experiments and cloning research on members of the Bush family in hopes to find a substitute to cruel animal testing".

I can't think of a more important cause right now.

VE said...

dee - You've actually had possum pie? Or did you have possums eating pie?

VE said...

anne - I have a head shaking/eye rolling win/loss tally sheet up for you...

VE said...

megan - You have a perverse side to you, don't you?

VE said...

maureen - we could have a whole "Bush family members for pets" swap over at the testing centers...