Tuesday, October 06, 2009

The Book of Conspiracies that Nobody has ever seen

There was a book known by nobody that highlighted every major conspiracy theory known to man. Ironically, a conspiracy shut it down before publishing and destroyed all known copies.

Fortunately I’m a nobody and therefore have a hacked excerpt from it. Here’s a sampling:

Gateway Arches. The famous St. Louis landmark known as the “Gateway Arch” was actually designed to be a set of double arches. It was being built by McDonalds for a major subliminal advertising effort they were experimenting with. The government, concerned about the growing use of subliminal advertising in America, had their contractors double the estimates for construction and McDonalds pulled out just before the first Arch was poured. The second arch never got constructed and neither painted yellow. The government destroyed all evidence of their ties to the project and went on to ban subliminal advertising several years later.

The Michael White Conspiracy. Michael Jackson didn’t suffer a heart attack, overdose or get murdered. He orchestrated the entire event, having used a secret body double for the last fifteen years in which he subjected his double to repeated plastic surgery events in an effort to gain sympathy from the public while distract them from his more recent dabbling in alternative rock as Jack White, lead guitarist for the White Stripes and Racounteers.

Tonya Harding Super Spy. Tonya Harding didn’t conspire to attack Nancy Kerrigan during the 1994 figure skate championships; she was actually under CIA orders to disrupt a key information passing event between Nancy Kerrigan and Soviet Ambassador Yuliy Vorontsov. In a top secret cover up, the CIA not only apprehended the information brokers here in the USA that were blackmailing Nancy Kerrigan to make the drop that night, but they also hatched up the whole competition/knee story to cover up Tonya’s involvement in the agency. To this day, Tonya continues to support the CIA by doing stupid white-trash shenanigans to avoid suspicions.

54 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Dang it and I wasn't even trying. And I said I wouldn't do it again. But I didn't, I swear.

Mrsupole said...

Why, why, why, why......

And I swear I didn't do it. It truly was a conspiracy. See I am second, not first. Look at the time difference. It is a total conspiracy thingy going on.

God bless.

monica said...

oh, riiight.... good thing that came out in the open... :o)

Quirkyloon said...

You're really the author Dan Brown aren't you?

Your first big seller:

The Da VEnchi Code

Ha!

Candie Bracci said...

Good to know!LOL there are plenty more such as VE didn't write those lines,an entity did so!:D

Nessa said...

I always knew Tonya was CIA. You could only be that stupid and pathetic on purpose.

The Incredible Woody said...

Michael's alternate ego, Jack, can really, really play the guitar. However, his dancing leaves much to be desired!

VE said...

mrsupole - I should take an official count to see who has the most No. 1s on my comments for this year. I'm make the gnomes do it...

VE said...

monica - The truth is out there!

VE said...

quirkyloon - Ha! Did you come up with that all by yourself? ;) You know...I'll take his royalties...

VE said...

candie - Yes, the whole VE conspiracy is complicated and not pretty....

VE said...

nessa - Ha! And she does it so naturally...a true Oregonian...

VE said...

incredible woody - See...it just proves you can only be good at one thing at one time.

Anne said...

look, for the last time! I was the spy Nancy was passing stuff to, and it's in very good hands now, thankyouverymuch. You got it all wrong.

wait!

ow!

[thud]

she not type to yous anymore.

moooooog35 said...

I always thought Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed because horses can't recover from broken legs, leading to her eventual euthanasia and crowning of Tonya as Queen of Celebrity Boxing.

My bad.

VE said...

anne - Aha..that's how you fund that travel...

VE said...

moooooog35 - Yes, you've been duped by that urban legend too. That's what happens when conspiracy theories and urban legends cross paths. See, that is CULT (conspiracy urban legend theory)

lifeshighway said...

Ah... Tonya Harding. Good times.

Elizabeth said...

Why?! WWHHYYYY did the CIA want to ttake out nancy's leg?

Kurt said...

I liked Nancy Kerrigan.

Kurt said...

I liked Nancy Kerrigan.

Kurt said...

Enough to say it twice, apparently.

Gladys said...

I knew there was an explaination. So there were two shooters weren't there?

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Hmmmm....interesting.

VE said...

lifeshighway - We just cannot get enough of her!

VE said...

elizabeth - It's classified. It'll be available to the public in 2047...

VE said...

kurt - She might have been a twin...

VE said...

gladys - Well...once in Mexico I had 10 shots...

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - You're holding back...you know something. I'll send the gnomes over to find out...

Jeff said...

I see the whole CIA thing has worked out well for Harding. I hear she has a deluxe double-wide these days!

Roy Scribner said...

Well Portland Oregon and sloe gin fizz, if that ain't love then tell me what is, uh huh! (ode to Jack White - you think Loretta Lynn would have sung with MJ?).

VE said...

jeff - Double wides are quite roomy! You can get twice as many hounds in them as a single-wide.

VE said...

roy - I saw a guitar documentary film with Jack White in it last month at the movies...excellent!

Dee said...

Just to show you how loving I am ,your not in the 75% lol

Beth said...

It's official. You are the go-to-guy when I need to make sense of the world.

VE said...

dee - Ha! Thanks...I'm glad I'll be alive...somebody has to serve the republicans ;)

VE said...

beth - I'm always here for you. The world makes no sense anyway and conveniently my blog is about nonsense...so that makes me an expert on the world!

ReformingGeek said...

I think I'll go as Tonya for Halloween or maybe dead Michael. I haven't decided.

Starrlight said...

Tanya really is one of our Oregon High Points isn't she :P

Jack White looks like Edward Scissorhands.

nursemyra said...

Ha! Love the Jack White synopsis

subtorp77 said...

You got it all wrong! Tonya's a double agent! Ooops! ( Dang! Cat's outta th' bag! )

Serena said...

Everybody loves a good conspiracy. Just think what you could do with grassy knolls and Area 52.

Brian Miller said...

lol. i love conspiracy theories...some are true you know...i know for a fact only one of the baove is though. smiles.

Megan said...

I don't know if the truth is out there, but you are, my friend, you are.

Ronda Laveen said...

Like Mel Gibson, you better be looking over your shoulder.

What about the conspiracy that Tanya is really a man? Have you seen a current photo?

Janna said...

So if I keep staring at the single St. Louis arch, will I start craving just half a cheeseburger?

VE said...

reforminggeek - Both are quite scary. I don't know which to recommend.

starrlight - Oh sure, give away THAT secret...

nursemyra - Compelling, huh?

subtorp77 - You've just made the second biggest blunder (the first is never get involed in a land war in Asia) but only slightly less is never go up against VE when conspiracies are concerned. Tonya is actually a triple agent. You'd like me to think she was a double agent...but I am not fool...

serena - Never trust a grassy knowll!

brian - Excellent; I know for a fact that you're not divulging all you know...

megan - Way out..(wasn't that a song on the Flintsones, by-the-way?)

ronda - An interesting notion; she did beat up one of her boyfriends with a hub cap; that's pretty manly. Oh, and Mel Gibsons looking over his shoulder in case there are any Jewish terrorists behind him...

janna - Yes...now you can only have one all beef patty, special sauce....

subtorp77 said...

VE, I've been duped! I thought Nancy was the triple agent( picks up the "hot-line" receiver )...

mama-face said...

I'm playing catch up on my reading; thus my late comments. Just thought you'd appreciate that explanation.

You are old enough to remember the whole Tonya Harding debacle? Yay! I love all the white trash stuff she does. Will she stop now that you've blown her cover? Please say no. (actually, I haven't heard about her for awhile...maybe she's in the witness protection program or maybe I'm too busy reading blogs to know anything current.)

VE said...

mama-face - Not only am I old enough to remember Tonya; I actually used to skate on the same ice rink with her here. She was little at the time but obnoxious even then...

Jaime said...

interesting conspiracy theories. especially tonya harding.

VE said...

jaime - Always a favorite here...

Maureen said...

I think Tanya IS a deluxe double-wide these days....

okay, maybe not deluxe, but she is double-wide.

VE said...

maureen - Yes, I hear they're widening the bridge from Washington to Oregon just so she can get back into Portland to visit relatives...