Friday, October 02, 2009

A Day in the Life of VE

Ok, some of you have been wondering what a day in the life of VE is like. How does he even survive to the next day? What stupefying event will he be entangled in today?

Now Beth offered up that I could embellish a little bit if I like. Of course, there is no need to stretch the truth at all; no I can give it to you straight up.

Of course, I always end my day with a serene view from my bedroom…

It helps me fall to sleep; and I am a stickler for getting my required eight hours of sleep too. In order to maximize that time for sleep I need to be comfortable. So I insist that every night I have fresh plucked rose petals to sleep on in a climate controlled environment suitable for my mood.

[Note, due to FCC regulations and continued requests for puppies and rainbows that follow afterward, the “how VE wakes up in the morning” portion of this post has been removed; the section is long and hard to tell]

And after that quite zesty wake up, I then go for a nice 20-30 minute shower in my 28 head shower.

Coming out of the shower I insist upon having a unique towel origami waiting for me.

I don’t use the towel. Naturally, I have my assistants wipe the water beads off with fresh snowy down feathers from baby ducks while I attend to my blogging demands for the morning.

As each hair is individually dried and properly placed for optimal effect, my clothing for the day are hand stitched to represent the latest cool but not trendy looks for the day while I sip on a nice cool fruity rum drink as I’m given snippets of nonsensical information on the day’s events in the hopes that creativity strikes for future posts.

I like to use my patented virtual keyboard; it eliminates the stress of having my fingertips come in contact with actual keys in order to type. I find it also prevents carpal tunnel as well as provides loads of entertainment when I feel the urge to pick my nose while composing something.

After my exhausting morning routine; I try and write a few posts and answer my faithful reader’s comments. My team of gnomes are on point for creative inspiration and abuse. My assistant immediately plays the day’s musical selections while I order brunch. After brunch and my posting duties, I like to get out for some exercise.

I prefer to use one of my neighbor’s tall bikes. I like to be able to see over traffic and it’s handy for grabbing pears growing from trees along the way.

After my workout, I tend to repeat the whole shower, hair, and computer portion. Then it’s time for a nap after one of my favorite movies. I usually choose a movie not yet out for release. Yesterday I saw Iron Man 3 (I’d seen Iron Man 2 about six months ago).

After my nap, I like to revisit my blog and write my novel for awhile while the staff prepares dinner and just before the wifey-poo comes home from work (so we can afford our meager lifestyle). Occasionally I’ll take off and go for a hike or get a message or hang out at the book store; but that’s only when I feel like actually doing something for a change.

Dinner is made from only fresh ingredients grown and caught right on premises because they’ve only been hand fed the most natural things on Earth. All uneaten food is then given to those less fortunate.

After dinner I like to relax on the deck with a fruity rum drink and perhaps even get a dip in the pool before retiring for the evening.

Yes, the life of a blogger is a tough one; but if you’re dedicated, it’ll be worth the sacrifice.

54 comments:

The Incredible Woody said...

I want to hear about the waking up part.

The Incredible Woody said...

Since obviously I am up WAY too early!!

Anne said...

i couldn't get past the towel origami thing. looks like you live on a cruise ship up to that point.

Janna said...

I KNEW the fruity rum drinks would be involved.

ReformingGeek said...

Hum....yeah, right. ;-)

Those bikes are a bit scary.

Roy Scribner said...

"...the section is long and hard..."

Puppies and rainbows! Puppies and rainbows!

Jacki said...

It sucks to be you...

VE said...

incredible woody - The wifey-poo forbade me and the gnomes have said I'm all out of puppies...

VE said...

anne - Technically, if continents are drifting, isn't it just a giant cruise ship?

VE said...

janna - Why of course...the least I can be is predictible...wait, that didn't come out sounding very good

VE said...

reforming geek - Don't worry, they come with a parachute...

VE said...

roy - Damn...I knew somebody would demand them...

VE said...

jacki - The gnomes tell me that all the time too...

Beth said...

I guess wishful thinking can be classified as embellishing.
And if you’re going to indulge in fantasy, go big or go home...
The rose petals were a nice touch. ;)

(yeah, I’m still alive...)

VE said...

beth - You knew I'd mess with that request...

Gladys said...

VE what have you been smoking? I thought Weed was only legal in Californica.

Nessa said...

I pray that one day you can give up this veil of tears and live a life of true comfort.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Some fairy tales have tragic endings you know.

Baino said...

Erm is that a jet of water coming UP from the bottom of the shower? You'd get an exfoliation and a douche! Twice a day!

Quirkyloon said...

Gnomes! Naughty gnomes!

Ha ha hee hee!

Elizabeth said...

What, you couldn't find a bigger TV??

Ronda Laveen said...

I second Baino's thoughts about that shower but, additionally, it looks like you can get a high colonic too.

Uncivil said...

You big sissy!!!!!!Rose petals???LOL
I prefer this one!
THE PERFECT DAY FOR ME
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Rancho Mirage Resort Golf Club
9:45 Play front nine - 2 under
11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine - 4 under
2:15 Limo back to the airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 lbs) - on light tackle
5:00 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
6:45 Shit, Shower, and Shave
7:00 Watch news: Nancy Pelosi assassinated?
7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22 second fart which changes keys 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

unfinishedrambler said...

I must be doing something wrong with this blogging gig. I don't have the penthouse.

VE said...

gladys - Technically, Weed is a town in California. I've been there.

VE said...

nessa - I know...I suffer...

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - Like having to live with gnomes?

VE said...

baino - Ahhh...you feel clean inside and out! ;)

VE said...

quirkyloon - The wifey-poo has some choice words for the gnomes...

VE said...

elizabeth - Well, no, damn it!

VE said...

ronda - Ahhhh...even cleaner!

VE said...

uncivil - Excellent unsensored version...but I don't care for golf...

VE said...

unfinished rampler - They're available at most stores; $6.95...

yellojkt said...

Save the description of the morning routine for a day when you really want to shock the monkey, so to speak.

monica said...

can I be you? just without the fruit in the rum...d'love to hang out on your patio...:o)

Serena said...

And what does the wifey think of all this pampering?:)

VE said...

yellojkt - Perhaps I've told it in an alternate universe where puppies and rainbows aren't required...

VE said...

monica - It's a lovely patio...and I suffer through my hectic day to enjoy it... ;)

VE said...

serena - Oh...she just has a few choice words (which I can't repeat on this blog...)

Maureen said...

Yikes! That shower looks, er, stimulating!

Jaime said...

harsh life you got there VE! wanna trade?

VE said...

maureen - Come on, you know you secretly want that shower too!

jaime - Hmmm...do I still get to ride the bikes?

nursemyra said...

personally I find green tile very restful

VE said...

nursemyra - Here in Oregon was have too much green already...

Kurt said...

Our lives are pretty similar.

Oh, and you are going to LOVE Iron Man IV.

Megan said...

I'd like to see what kind of accommodation the gnomes have...do they just hang out on the patio until wanted, or do you have servants quarters?

Mrsupole said...

I was just wondering what kind of messsage you occasionally get. Is it from the alien gnomes? I was just wondering.

God bless.

Oh and I loved reading about uncivil's day, especially the news.

VE said...

kurt - I suspected as much. Only difference is that you have Todd to do your mundane things and I have the gnomes. I'd ask the wifey-poo but she gets so worked up about fetching all my needs all day long. Sheesh.

megan - Nobody knows where they go at night. I'm not sure I want to know...

mrsupole - I like a good back massage. Oh wait, you said message...never mind.

lime said...

when do you work in leaving 997 word comments at other blogs? :P

VE said...

lime - Ha! You keep assuming I actually work! And there were 1000 words there; I think g-man miscounted because Microsoft word and an online utility told me I had 1,000!

VE said...

lime - Ps...happy 1,000th post! When do YOU work? ;)

mama-face said...

Thank goodness for FCC regulations.

Suldog said...

Okay, I've now decided that you're certifiable. That's a good thing, by the way. I don't return for second visits to normal people's blogs.

VE said...

mama-face - I know...you've been spared!

suldog - You know, I blame the gnomes. Of course, blaming gnomes just goes right back the the certifiable debate...