Friday, October 16, 2009

Hodge Podge

Some of you still don’t get it. Everything happens to me. Well, not everything. I don’t have swine flu…yet. I didn’t get the Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing…yet.

But just today I went for my morning run and it was dark and I went down the new path they installed in our neighborhood with the lovely foot bridge over the creek. Can you see where I might be going with this? Remember the movie Speed when they sent him on the new freeway and there was a section missing and the other cop says, “Well I think they got behind” after his boss screams, “But it’s on the map. It’s finished on the fucking map!”

Yeah, they took off all the ribbon barricades and installed the missing wood planks…well except for those three that I didn’t see in the dark and subsequently STEPPED ON NOTHING! It’s an interesting feeling when gravity takes over and you don’t realize it. Next thing I know I’m lying half inside the bridge with a huge knot on one leg, both legs bleeding, several bleeding abrasions on my arm and a sore wrist. Thankfully I didn’t break anything; not even my arm that already has plates in it.

Still don’t get it? I was riding my bike about three weeks ago on a typical sunny day when all of a sudden unbeknownst to me, a yellow jacket bee flies into my jersey and proceeds to sting me several times. Right here in my frickin’ neighborhood! What are the odds of these things? Am I suffering so somebody else doesn’t have to? Let’s just say when God and I have our little chat at the end of this life…I’ve got a list for him to explain…

_______________________________________________________________________

I was in a restaurant the other day and in walked two identical twins. (duh…if there were three they wouldn’t be twins). Anywho…not only did they look exactly alike, they were wearing the same damn clothes. Exactly! The same black fancy full length coat with the same belt tied the same way. The same elaborate hair style (and this wasn’t some simple style). The same oversized turtle neck sweater. The same pants and shoes. The same nail polish.

To make matters even stranger, they sat directly opposite of each other and did everything in unison and the same. They both took off their coat at the same time after sitting for awhile . They both then put it up over their shoulders a little bit later in the same way at the same time. They ordered an appetizer and shared it, both holding the food in the same strange manner and eating at the same time. They did the same with the dinner.

It was like watching a mirror and the reflection: Creepy and yet mesmerizing. At the end of their meal, everything the entire night had been exactly the same except when it came time to pay the bill. Then, only one of them put it on their credit card. “Aha” I thought. Now I know which of the two is the youngest…the one that had to pay!

52 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Huh, DIA

GB

And here is huh spelled backwards. Bet you didn't think I was paying attention.

Mrsupole said...

You know you live in the TZITOL. And the alien gnomes or was it the voices told me they saw you there. Truly you should have had a video camera of the twins. But my question is; if they had on the "same" clothes, wasn't it a little crowded in there? Still I was LOL.

I am also very sorry that you got hurt and I bet if you called the city and threatened to sue them because you got hurt, then you would see that bridge fixed so fast that you will still think you are living in the TZ.

Get well and be more careful. I think you are an AWTH.

God bless.

PS...And those voices told me to check. I swear that they have psychic powers somehow. But then again, they are "voices".

Nessa said...

These things keep happening to you because you are so attractive (you must always look on the positive side.)

Beth said...

I do "get it." And I appreciate you taking on some of my bad luck. I'd be overwhelmed if you didn't.
(better you than me...)

moooooog35 said...

Did the twins eat Doublemint gum?

That would have been awesome.

Sarah said...

Perhaps those little things are happening so that bigger/worse things won't happen. God is looking out for you VE! :p

Candie Bracci said...

Humm..what is your poison Alice?

Roy Scribner said...

I might just be the anti-VE. Some friends and I stumbled onto some killer bees in Panama and I was the only one who didn't get stung.

VE said...

mrsupole - Now I've lost the acronym sight. Oh no. TZITOL? I didn't even know I had zits! AWTH? Always walking to hell? I think the gnomes are messing with me on that answer...

VE said...

nessa - Awww..thanks for providing a positive side for me. Now I'll probably get stalked by a bunch of paparazzi as a result...

VE said...

beth - For you...I can take it. I have a very high pain threshold so I'm ok...

VE said...

moooooog35 - Ha! I thought about that while I was mesmerized by them. No, sadly they didn't.

VE said...

sarah - Well that's reassuring. I'm sure that prevented me from accidentally driving my car off the bridge and into the river and from a cougar attack downtown after dinner...

VE said...

candie - Alice doesn't live here anymore. ;)

VE said...

roy - Yes, you have my powers! I would have been chased and stung by them all the way to Columbia and then arrested for suspicious acctivities had I been there...

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I see the solution to your problem. Stop exercising. It's gonna kill you!

Oh, and stop running in the dark. Why are you up so early man!

BTW...I thought I saw a penguin walking down the street yesterday. Wanna trade bodies for the day?

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - Trade bodies for the day? Mine hurts you know...I hope you can handle that part of the trade...

Elizabeth said...

I'm with Perpetual Chocoholic, stop exercising so darn early!! I bet you eat healthy and don't smoke too, right? ;)
(I do hope you feel better soon and didn't hurt your knee or arm too bad.)

Maureen said...

Holy crap VE... well, that's what you get for stepping outside into that place called "outdoors". You must have done something to piss Karma off.

Are you sure there wasn't a full length mirror in that restaurant? Cause I've been fooled by that one before...

Hope you are healing.

Kurt said...

Sounds like a prank.

Quirkyloon said...

Can I email you some of my questions for God?

I plan on living like, forever. (Okay, it might be as a zombie, but beggars can't be choosy!)

HA

VE said...

elizabeth - I like running in the morning when it is dark. That was I'm still asleep until about the third mile. Also, the dark makes it seem like less of a distance to have to run.

VE said...

maureen - No, they were sitting at an angle to me and in the middle of the restaurant.

VE said...

kurt - That's interesting. I wonder if it was. But there were only the two of them and I didn't see any cameras.

VE said...

quirkyloon - You can send them along but I have to warn you, living forever is on my annual New Years resolutions and if I'm still alive after all this ridiculous stuff, then I must be doing ok with my resolution so I might not have that discussion with God...

ryan field said...

Great Blog.

VE said...

ryan - Thanks, man. We have some fun around here. It's my unedited, unrestrained comedic side of things...

Uncivil said...

Sounds like you hodged when you should of podged?

Gladys said...

Yes I'm sure of it now... we we identical twins well except for the different sexes, separated at birth.

ReformingGeek said...

Um, you live up near Portland right? I think I'll steer clear of the area. You know. Just in case.

nursemyra said...

I'm with Kurt. And some people don't need the cameras, they just do it for fun

Count Sneaky said...

Perhaps there is a logical(?) explanation here...perhaps not, but try this one. What you saw was a man and his doppleganger meeting for a quick lunch before each went his way for the week. Dopplegangers, so my friend Alphonse Bungstarter tells me, occassionally, do run into their counterparts and befriend them. This is the origin of that old saying, "Two heads are better than one." Perhaps Al has been into the sauce again, but he may have something here. The yellow jacket thing ,on the other hand appears to be just plain old vanilla paranoia. My best. Count Sneaky

Janna said...

Count me in with Perpetual Choc and Elizabeth. You're killing yourself slowly by exercising like a maniac.
Just stay in bed and die the normal way like the rest of us. We're in no hurry.

Baino said...

It's true, some must suffer while the rest of us eat cake! Sorry about the bridge accident but exactly why are you a) running b) running in the dark . . .twit!

Mrsupole said...

TZITOL
Okay I will give you this one, because if you have not heard it before then you would not know. It is Twilight Zone In The Outer Limits.

AWTH
But this one I really thought you would have known, because you are an Accident Waiting To Happen.

I really thought you had seen these two before. But I guess not. Although now you have.

HAGW

God bless.

Chris Eldin said...

LOL @ the "Stop exercising, it's gonna kill you" comment!

Hope you're doing better!
:-)

VE said...

uncivil - I think you're right. I must have slept through that school lesson...

VE said...

gladys - You mean they're messing with me? Doh!

VE said...

reforminggeek - At least there weren't twin bridges to fall into...

VE said...

nursemyra - Fun? I don't consider being stared at while eating that fun...but that's just me...

VE said...

count sneaky - The gnomes have given you a thumbs up for the best "out there" explanation. They always lean to the most improbable explanation at truth...

VE said...

janna - But it was only three miles. That's like...nothing. I can do and be done for the day if I do it in the morning. Unfortunately where I live it's frickin' dark this time of year in the mornings. Maybe I should have stuck with the Wii running...

VE said...

baino - Twit? Truly wonderful intellectual tycoon? Why thank you!

VE said...

mrsupole - Doh! I should have gotten the second one. I must have fallen harder than I thought. That first one was hard though. The whole Twilight Zone/Outer Limits melding is wrong. That would be like melding Mary Poppins and Nanny McPhee.

VE said...

chris edlin - That which does not kill me only makes me hurt...

Uncivil said...

What.... you agreed with me?????
I gotta call Ann Coulter!
Her book "How to Talk to a Liberal" is really paying off????

VE said...

uncivil - Tell her I've got some left over Ralph Nader stickers for her...

Jacki said...

I would take it as a hint not to run or bike anymore. But that's just me, and I stay away from all forms of exercise.

VE said...

jacki - I was never really good at picking up on subtle hints...

Jaime said...

i'm not the younger one... but i always have to pay when my sister and i go out to eat. i'm the one with money.

VE said...

jaime - I'd probably let you pay too... ;)

subby said...

Wot? No warning signs? besides the tape, I mean...

And Mom and I are in tune to one another, but not like this...~OY!