Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Other Uses for Condoms

Hey…don’t you throw out those used (or for you pathetic losers…unused) condoms! Thanks to somebody’s post request; the gnomes have been out using err...I mean... investigating what to do with them beyond…well…you know.

They’re great for that special moment (no, the other special moment…but you can combine all the special moments into one now)…

Be sure to use them for your computer virus protection. You can never be too safe out there in cyber land.

Condoms are big in the fashion world because…well…they’ll use anything and call it fashion. Here we have a lovely “long condom” dress…

And here’s a condom dress without the condom extensions. You don’t have to be nearly as excited to wear this one as the other.

Condoms make wonderful party hats…but what doesn’t make a wonderful party hat, really…

Don’t forget condom outfits for pets because I have a fondness for stupid pet outfits…

But really, after that you’re going to have to get a little more creative. For example, let’s say you’re trapped out in the woods by yourself equipped with only a rubber and a bottle of water. You can survive, because you can create fire!

First of all, you place the condom on your water bottle (because hey, how clean is that water really!)

Then, you fill the condom with your water. Go ahead…you’re in the freakin’ woods, you won’t need it…

Finally, let the sun spark your fire. Take that, animals! YOU can’t start fire…

Condoms also are great for waiters. You should always protect your eyes from the Jamaican jerk sauce that table three squirts up at you as you deliver your food.

Condoms work great as a waterproof cell phone protector too

Don’t forget to use them on your light bulbs should you need incandescent ones

Oh, and be sure to use them for your thrillseeking…

And I’ve saved the best for last. Apparently in Asia you can get ice cream in handy condom packaging. Just cut the tip, squeeze and suck down some delicious ice cream. I’m not making this up…

68 comments:

Mrsupole said...

I always keep my cell phone covered with a condom and you should see the strange looks I get when I start sucking uh I mean talking into my phone. But you know those things break and my second daughter is running around, because of that one slight problem they have.

So I say; "Never trust a condom."

And the conspiracy continues, is this me or the other me.

God bless.

subtorp77 said...

Dang! Mrsupole first again! You got insomnia or sumtin'-LOL!

subtorp77 said...

LMAO at the look on that customer's face, as the waiter walks by. And only in Japan would I expect to find "condom" ice cream. Those wacky Japanese-LOL!

subtorp77 said...

"protect against computer viruses"! HA! Should sell that one to Norton...

mama-face said...

I was gonna skip this cause ew. But I knew this would be too good to pass up. The waiter-LOL. The look on the guys face; priceless.

Nessa said...

My favorite one was the condom for your internet connection until I read of condom ice cream. Come on baby, squeeze.

The Incredible Woody said...

Just imagine all the messes avoided with the condom ice cream!

monica said...

ew. especially in Asia.
Little story: my at the time 15 year old son called me up at work, a bit worried cause he had some pain when peeing ( sorry) and was worried if he had got chlamydia. Me: Laughing real loud, snorting at my tiny and cute wittle boys ignorance, saying this kind of thing SORT OF requires a CERTAIN kind of preceding action , and HAHAHA ( loud so all my colleaguse could hear), and he said " but Mom we did use condom" Me: completely silent, stunned...
So, condoms can shut you up too...

VE said...

mrsupole - I won't trust 'em! I like to leave some when they pass around at Catholic mass...they don't have much of a sense of humor over there...

VE said...

subtorp77 - I like the use of the Turtle to market the condom ice creams...because Turtles are safe in their shell too...ha!

VE said...

mama-face - I know you were scared. I mean, there is no telling what VE might do in a post; particular a condom post. But I went a tamer route with this one. Too many requests for "puppies and rainbows" when I don't

VE said...

nessa - Finally, something delicious in a condom! Ha!

VE said...

incredible woody - I'm just worried about their frozen concoction there...looks a bit too creamy

VE said...

monica - Yikes...can't listen to this story. Have 15yr old daughter. Holding hands to ears until 18.

Beth said...

How timely! You've provided me with a fabulous idea for my Halloween costume this year!

moooooog35 said...

Um...you SURE that's ice cream in there?

Roy Scribner said...

Condom: the other 'firestarter'.

VE said...

beth - Should I be afraid...or should I ask for pictures?

VE said...

moooooog35 - It did come from Asia...I can't really answer that!

VE said...

roy - Condom ice cream: the other other ice cream...

Roy Scribner said...

That's what she said...

VE said...

roy - Ha!

Elizabeth said...

Wow, those gnomes have waaay too much time on their hands!

Quirkyloon said...

Eeek

And

Ewwwww!

And let me add a...

Blech!

VE said...

elizabeth - Their quite industrious when they get a funny assignment...

VE said...

quirkyloon - And those make a lovely chorus...

Chris Eldin said...

OMG!!!! Haven't been here for a while, but wooohooo!! Some great Halloween ideas too.

This one cracekd me up! Except the last one, which was just plain gross.
:-)

Suldog said...

You are a seriously funny individual. Came here from Lime, by the way. To have put that much effort into the comments shows either superior dedication or no discernible life beyond sitting at your keyboard. Magnificent, in any case.

VE said...

chris - It has been awhile. You'll have to check out a couple of actual stories on here; I know you like the writing pieces.

You knew I'd throw in one gross one there. And I didn't even have to make it up. The world always provides something disgusting for me to feature!

VE said...

suldog - Welcome. A friend of lime is a friend of mine. To set everyone else straight, lime just celebrated her 1,000th blog post. That's a serious accomplishment; I post five times a week and I only have 837 posts so she's way ahead of me! Anyway, she had the saying "a picture is worth a thousand words" on her post so in the comments I gave her 1,000 random words. Actually it took several comments because blogger limits the size. To clarify, I typed the 1,000 random words on my word processor and then cut/paste. It took me 20 minutes to think up and type 1,000 words. That's how quick and random my mind works. So...to directly to your observation as to whether I have a life or not; yes, I do. There are stories sprinkled in here with my ridiculous life exploits; it's just that my readers have a difficult time discerning what is real and what is made up sometimes.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

ewwwwwwey!

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - Come on now, they have chocolate ice cream in those things!

Gladys said...

Yes but you must remember that condoms alone are not the answer...you must use restraint also. Or you should be restrained.

nursemyra said...

that poor dog looks so embarrassed

Candie Bracci said...

That was hilarious!!!They did not make that dress?!LMAO

Tom said...

hope the ice cream condoms are mint flavored.

ReformingGeek said...

Oh my.

I could have gone all day without knowing all that!

Janna said...

Back when Crotchety ("DaOldMan") was doing his "Caption This Picture" thing on Wednesdays, one of the pictures was a lady in a condom dress.

I won the contest, with this caption:
"And then, Paris Hilton finally learned to recycle."

Jaime said...

no! not condom ice cream! that's just gross

Brian Miller said...

i may not have got that virus had i used one on my computer...

Kurt said...

I use the condoms with spermicide, so every one of these pics grossed me out.

Anne said...

vasectomy.

VE said...

gladys - How come there's restraint but there's no straint?

VE said...

nursemyra - Well of course, wouldn't you?

VE said...

candie - I think they might have made more than the dress...

VE said...

janna - Ha! Good one. I won one of those caption contests once too. Those were fun...

VE said...

tom - Ha! I'm not going to go there...

VE said...

reforminggeek - You secretly wanted to know...its ok.

VE said...

jaime - Gross is as gross does...

VE said...

brian - See how educational my blog is...I should get govt funding!

VE said...

kurt - I'm surprise you didn't berate me for the dog costume pic...

VE said...

anne - Been there, done that...twice!

Sornie said...

This is particularly a hot topic for me because I found an old, dried and cracked condom in front of my neighborhood's group of mailboxes yesterday. Somebody's cell phone is now unprotected.

lifeshighway said...

God love the Asians.

Starrlight said...

Those dresses are so Project Runway!

lime said...

i've obviously been reading too long here. this post seemed strangely rational in parts....

Dee said...

there are a bunch of weirdos in Asia!

VE said...

sornie - We need some sort of Amber alert system for such things. Ghastly!

VE said...

lifeshighway - They certainly amuse us...

VE said...

starrlight - I'm so glad I've never seen that show...

VE said...

lime - Ha! You're converting...

VE said...

dee - There must be if they don't see anything wrong with condom wrapped ice cream...

Uncivil said...

Is that a whippet with a condom coat? Whippet....whippet good!

VE said...

uncivil - Ha! That's the highlight of these comments! Well done...

Maureen said...

Holy crap VE, I sure hope you clear out your history / cache before taking your PC to get fixed. Cause your searches must find some even stranger stuff than you end up posting here....

VE said...

maureen - Funny...I never look to see. I'm afraid. Plus, it's so cliche' to post about what searches found my blog.

Anonymous said...

thats not japan .... -_- its korea, im 15 and i know that. just bcuz its unique u expect it to be in japan,give me a break! japan isnt all u think it is or expect it to be, their not all cool and weird , no one is, anyone could of came up with that idea and everyone is different no matter what race. they prolly wantes to just stun some ppl. u kno how they come out with uneeded things.most of asia isnt even like that, their down-to-earth like us. please dont be so ignorant , we are all human

VE said...

anon - Well first of all, I didn't specify where in Asia that was. Also, I've been to both Japan and Korea as well as many other countries in Asia; some several times so its not like I'm ignorant there. Finally, this is a HUMOR blog. I make fun of us Americans more often than I make fun of anyone else so perhaps you shouldn't take it all so personally.