Sunday, October 04, 2009

Stalking Stevie Wonder

Ok, the winner topic based on the last poll on "VE's next fictional story" was "Stalking Stevie Wonder". I will tell you, I just come up with these topics at random and I have no preconceived idea of what to write about until one of them wins and I sit down to write it. So what you get is unrehearsed and completely off the cuff. Enjoy...

Lying inside the box with the mahogany table top strapped to my back hoping that I’m not seen as I await the delivery people to take me to Stevie Wonder’s home it suddenly occurs to me, “Maybe I’ve gone too far this time. Maybe this whole scenario looks a bit unbalanced to people.”

“No,” I reply to myself, “It’s important to find the answer. The end justifies the means.” Just as I’ve talked myself into my own suggestion, somebody lifts my box up, grumbling about the weight of this particular piece of furniture. This has to get me eye to eye (well, figuratively speaking) with Stevie Wonder. It might be my last attempt. Those four other episodes didn’t fare well and the cease and desist restraining order has made it difficult to keep coming up with new approaches to get at Stevie.

I’ll admit; the last attempt was my fault entirely. How did I know I was going to blurt out, “God damn Stevie, how’d you get so heavy so quickly?” when I snuck into the Symposium for the Seeing Impaired seminar last month? I mean, faking my way as a blind person was not only a genius approach but very easy to do. Hell, it’s not like they can see you faking it! But standing right there before Stevie; well, I just wasn’t prepared for the obesity. He used to be so thin when he sang in his angry 20s phase. I blew my cover and they hauled me away.

“Wait, I’m moving again,” I think as something grabs my box again after a time. We must already be at Stevie’s mansion. Sure enough, somebody carries me into the home and unpacks me. I stay perfectly still, disguised as a fancy artsy-fartsy real life under carriage to the coffee table. There are comments: “That’s just too freaky!” says the furniture mover as he notes how lifelike I look under the table. “Guess Stevie won’t notice!” he laughs as they leave.

I need to wait until Stevie is alone and his body guards are off in their own private quarters. Slowly I crawl around the floor; stopping whenever a guard walks by. “Good,” I say to myself as I witness the last of them leaving for the night. There’s only me and Stevie here now. Finally, I can ask him the questions I’ve been working toward asking for all of these years.

Two years earlier, while working on my thesis I’d noticed the pattern. There were seemingly endless gifted, talented and popular singer/songwriters who had succumbed to mediocrity. This might be the new disease that will make me famous! Like Restless Leg Syndrome of the past, my new Singer Mediocrity Disease (SMD) will have pills and forums and research centers to address the problem. We'll even get some good music back in return.

People like Paul McCartney can sign up and talk about what their fall from “Hey Jude” to “Ebony and Ivory” was like. Real gut wrenching testimonials by the most popular singers. I mean, think about it. How did Neal Diamond go from “Hot August Night” to “Song Sung Blue”? What really caused Rod Stewart to start singing the classics? The questions were endless. I had to get to Stevie and find out why. Why did he go from “Living for the City” or “Boogie on Reggae Woman” to “Ribbon in the Sky”? Did he know he was lyrically impaired? Was he blind to this reality? It had to be a disease; Bob Dylan hadn’t stopped being relevant. And there were others. No, Stevie was my answer. I had to know.

Slowly working my way back into the living room, I realize that I’m too slow, Stevie is approaching. I freeze, hoping I won’t be noticed until he’s comfortable. “Wait,” I think to myself, “he can’t see me, what good does freezing as a coffee table matter to him?” But before I can do something about that, Stevie trips over my table top because he’s not used to having anything in the middle of the room. The fall causes his “Panic Button” to go off and the guards are in and on top of me before I can say, “Why, Stevie, why? Why did you go from “You haven’t done nothin’” to “I Just Called to Say I Love You”? They handcuffed me and shuffled me away. Nobody will listen; but I believe a cure can be developed; we can get authentic real material once again. If only they’d let me out!

53 comments:

The Incredible Woody said...

So many would benefit from a cure for this disease. Why is there no funding? It is an outrage!!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

If only I had gotten up earlier I could have been number one. Sigh.

CatLadyLarew said...

What's the matter with Stevie? Can't he see where he's going? Blind people.... geesh!

VE said...

incredible woody - The funding is all going to erectile disfunction and depression medications...won't they learn...

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - Don't worry...be happy. You're easy like Sunday morning. Oh, wait, somebody turned on the dental office station on my radio...

VE said...

CatLadyLarew - I'll bet he uses that whole "I'm Blind" excuse all the time. Sheesh...

Beth said...

You are so bad. Creative, amusing, unique, funny but, oh, so bad...
Great way to be, huh?

(I laughed. Guess that makes me bad, too.)

VE said...

beth - Thanks. I'll admit to being bad...I can handle that.

ReformingGeek said...

Oh, VE, I'm sorry your plan failed. Better luck next time. What about sliding down his chimney?

subtorp77 said...

Heh, heh, heh...pretty clever, disguised as furniture...

Obscure reference: the 80's slasher spoof "Pandemonium" had the killer turning all his victims into pieces of furniture...

I say you start up the clinic. The gov't is more than willing to give away monies to things like this, right? Right?-LOL!

Chris C said...

"Was he blind to this reality?"

hehe great line.

Jeff said...

This is a good cause. Neil Diamond's "Love on the rocks" alone should be enough to grab you a federal grant for this research.

VE said...

reforminggeek - Stevie didn't have one; fires aren't high on blind people's decor priorities apparently.

VE said...

subtorp - Is your new avatar photo a reference to the movie "Omen" where the guy gets beheaded with the sheet of glass? Just curious...

VE said...

chris c - You knew I wouldn't be able to resist something to that affect...

VE said...

jeff - I can see that as a musician, this one is important to you. That song alone should point out what a serious problem this is. We won't even mention the Styx's "Mr. Roboto"

Gladys said...

Oh VE there you go doing good for man kind again. What's next? Stalking Jay Leno?

Baino said...

I saw him once and he fell off his chair singing "Superstitious" hilarious!

Elizabeth said...

Funny story, and it made me google Stevie Wonder and Wow! You're right, he has gotten big!!

Janna said...

Thoughts:

1) I wonder if you could stalk blind people by leaving braille messages where they least expected...

2) It would be really hard to blog in braille.
(Example: ..:.::...::.:.::::.)

Janna said...

P.S. .:::..:.:. ::..::.: ::: .:.. .:::.:.. ::.:: :...

Maureen said...

Wow. I can't believe Janna actually said that...

My BIL met Stevie once. He wanted his autograph, but was told Stevie wasn't allowed to sign anything, since he didn't know what he was signing. You'd think he'd have someone there to okay / check it out first. Wierd.

leelee said...

Happy to know that no matter how long one is absent from the blogosphere..the fantastical just keeps chugging along...thank god for blogs you can depend on...

I've missed you VE and I didn't realize how much until now..

HUGS!!

VE said...

gladys - Apparently blackmailing David Letterman is the latest craze...

VE said...

baino - Sounds fitting...

VE said...

elizabeth - Well, I guess it is hard to run marathons...

VE said...

janna - Ok, what did that translate to? The lyrics for "feelings"? Isn't that what all braille translates to?

VE said...

maureen - Yeah...I tried the million dollar check trick too...

VE said...

leelee - There you are! Of course I'm still pluggin' away! We missed you too...

subtorp77 said...

VE ,no but good reference. That's a reflection I took at the clinic, whilst waiting for Mom. I never know when my camera will come in handy. The full pic will explain it better anon, heh, heh...

Ronda Laveen said...

SMD Anonymous?

Quirkyloon said...

Aw leave Stevie alone! Poor guy! You're mean VE!

VE said...

subtorp77 - Well...I say you'd better keep your eye out...that slashing anomly doesn't look good.

VE said...

ronda - It's needed!

VE said...

quirkyloon - Hey...you guys were the ones that voted for that story...

subtorp77 said...

VE, ouchies!

Nessa said...

Researching the cure for a disease is a long and arduous road to travel. Look how long it's taken to cure cancer.

Serena said...

How much is your bail? I could throw in a few bucks. I'd ask you to get me Stevie's autograph, but that might up the ante on your charges.:)

VE said...

subtorp77 - Don't go losing your head from worry now... ;)

VE said...

nessa - This one is mental though. Those real viruses...well, we've never cured one yet.

VE said...

serena - My bail goes to the gnomes. I sense a conspiracy plot here...

subtorp77 said...

VE, too late! Oh wait...no it's still attached, heh, heh...

Megan said...

Snort!

Mrsupole said...

I am LOL at what Baino said about Stevie falling out of the chair. I know I should not laugh about that but I cannot stop. That had to be too funny and I wonder if someone got fired for not getting him a chair that he could not fall off of, or maybe it was his piano bench. Maybe he needs a bigger bench. It truly is a conspiracy.

God bless.

PS...I will donate five bucks towards your bail...it's all I got...well I will after the government gives me some of that stimulus money they promised.

VE said...

subtorp77 - You should put it on the right direction though...

megan - Hey...I got a full snort. Finally!

mrsupole - I'm sure somebody was fired...

Anne said...

i can't decide which story you should do for your poll, torn between gadgets, spys (for obvious reasons) and inventors (for reasons I have yet to reveal).

VE said...

anne - I can't help you there; I just make 'em up and write 'em. I'm interested in your inventor reason though. Come on, spill it!

mama-face said...

Best. Post. Ever. (doesn't mean a lot; cuz I say that to you often. I think it's you I say that to).

You shoulda know about the coffee table. And while I agree with most of what you say; 'I just called to say I love you' is one of Stevie Wonder's greatest hits. Just saying.

Jaime said...

you make a good stalker.

Anne said...

I cannot tell the whole story, stories, actually, being a protected witness and all. Maybe later under a different name.

VE said...

mama-face - I don't know why Stevie would have a coffee table. Wouldn't he just spill it? And what magazines or knick-knacks would he put on it?

VE said...

jaime - The gnomes have taught me well...

VE said...

anne - Now we know why you travel!