Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Welcome to the Hell Olympics

By popular vote, the last winner of "VE's ridiculous story" poll was "Welcome to the Hell Olympics." You've got a new group of stories to vote for. In the meantime, enjoy...

“Welcome to Hell, please sign up for your Olympic event,”
said the demon at the receiving line. Just getting into hell was difficult enough. Drawing the number 2,127,490 as they were calling out the number 472 wasn’t waht I had hoped but exactly what I expected. Don’t even get me started with all the current residents sneaking in line delaying it further just to mess with us inductees.

I was quite surprised to know that Hell has an Olympics and I have to participate. In fact, everyone has to participate. Rumor has it that though I get to sign up, the demons will always pick one of the events I didn’t sign up for so I’m going through the process of signing up for all of the events I don’t want to be part of in the faint hope that the rumor is true and they sign me up for something I can tolerate. But it is hell and I’m not going to hold my breath.

As I scan through the events, I can see this is going to be a long day. Is there even a concept of day in hell? It doesn’t matter because my first event to sign up for is the Actuary Meeting Marathon. Yes, twenty-six point two hours of going through revisions on actuarial plans with a monotone accountant that doesn’t give bathroom breaks. That’s mighty ingenious of Satan to interpret the marathon that way. Damn him!

Next up is the 100 yard sprint. This looks promising. I can be done with it quickly. But after reading the description, I went ahead and signed up for that one too hoping the demons don’t take me. They’ve gone ahead and interpreted yard to mean a neighborhood of yards, all in the need of weeding which of course is to be accomplished with the use of a plastic spork. Should the spork break, you have to start over again. Knowing how many crayons, number two pencil leads and sporks I’ve broken with my vice-like grip over the course of my lifetime, this event didn’t sound promising either.

And that’s the way it was. Event after event, each of them was manipulated into some hideous interpretation of the true nature of the event. If it wasn’t the platform belly flop into a pool of urine, it was the adult diaper shot put in which you had to wrap up the freshly used diapers yourself before each throw.

Out of fear, I signed up for every single event with the exception of nose booger golf. The only criteria with that event was the ability to pick your nose, take your booger and fling it across a standard length golf course, find it, and flick it until you got it into the hole. Most holes were around par 3,000. Water features were particularly tricky but fortunately boogers float. I thought this one had merit. I was practically a professional pick and flicker and the thought of spending time in the grass seemed a nice bonus. Hopefully by not picking only this event, that would be the event I had to do.

Having rounded all of us up to notify us of our event later that day, I learn that I’ve been happily selected to participate in all of the events I signed up for. Apparently Satan rewards those already participating to spread that rumor and those that can convince a new member to use the tactic get to have one event from their list removed. The system works quite well since everyone coming into hell falls for it the same as I did. Oh, and don’t even ask me what the five Olympic rings are in Hell; you don’t want to know.

38 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Hah, DIA

Mrsupole said...

LOL.....but,

My question is, "How do you know boogers float?", hmmmmmm. I have never heard that before, but being a well trained female, I was taught to put my boogers inside a Kleenex after I dug and found it.

Come on now, you have to tell us what the rings are. Otherwise you will end up playing those games for an eternity. Although you might be sporking those yards instead.

God bless.

Kurt said...

Was Hitler there?

VE said...

mrsupole - Ha! Nice try. I did what any modern writer would do; I looked it up on the internet...

VE said...

kurt - They had him off in a special area with the ADD folks where he kept trying to unite them to his cause but they completely lost focus and switched to things like rock stacking or apple fights

Beth said...

You had trouble getting into hell???
I think you’ll excel in every event you attempted to avoid during your imaginary stint there.

ryan field said...

"Oh, and don’t even ask me what the five Olympic rings are in Hell; you don’t want to know."

Don't underestimate your blog readers.

ReformingGeek said...

You're having to blog from Hell now? That's pathetic. I think I have a spare spork. It sounds like you will need one.

Elizabeth said...

I knew they'd use sporks in Hell! I can't even eat with one without it breaking.

Quirkyloon said...

"Hell is for children!"

I couldn't stop thinking of this Pat Benetar song while reading your post.

And now? I'm in my own personal hell.

Thanks VE.

Uncivil said...

What the hell???? 5 Olympic rings in hell????? Sounds like a job for Frodo Baggins to retrieve them?

Uncivil said...

Lord of the Olympic Hell Rings!

VE said...

beth - It's not that I had trouble getting in...that was mandatory. The trouble was putting up with all the beauracracy in doing so. It's a busy place down there...

VE said...

ryan - You're right. I shouldn't. I can only imagine what my readers might come up with...

VE said...

reforminggeek - Fortunately I fit right in down here. Where do you think the Windows OS came from?

VE said...

elizabeth - It's the sporks downfall...always made of plastic...

VE said...

quirkyloon - Thanks for putting that song in my head too, now.

VE said...

uncivil - I thought he was already there. I mean he did have to listen to the Council of Elrond...there was a meeting that didn't have an end date pre-set...

Gladys said...

for me all televised olympics are pure hell.

VE said...

gladys - Well that's good then...because Satan will have a big screen TV waiting just for you with synchronized swimming and curling on 24/7!

gab said...

I dont even wanna know how you know that boogers float or not. EWWWWW!
So that said the rest is pretty funny trying to picture of any of it in my mind. I must be pretty bored.

VE said...

gab - Welcome back...it's been awhile. No...you don't want to know my sources for research...

Serena said...

Makes me kinda glad I'm a klutz and don't do sports. I'd hate like hell to win something there.

Megan said...

What happens if you don't sign up for anything at all???

Janna said...

Sports???
Now that IS hell.

Here's where I'd look at my ticket and exhale a sigh of relief that I was #2,127,490 out of #472.

I'd courteously let everyone in line ahead of me, of course.

With any luck, I could spend the rest of my life/death waiting in line.

Which is far, FAR better than sports of any kind. :)

Canada Guy said...

The Olympics are self destructive. With the threat of global warming we cannot afford such flagrant displays of excess and overconsumption. The best way to avoid 300,000 tons of emissions is for people to simply stay at home.

http://selfdestructivebastards.blogspot.com/2009/10/olympics-are-self-destructive.html

VE said...

serena - Yeah, I didn't even hint at what happens to the winners...

VE said...

megan - You get to participate in them all. They get you either way...I mean, come on, its HELL!

VE said...

janna - Don't forget their playing Barry Manilow Musak and feeding you old fruit cake while there...

VE said...

canada guy - Of course Hell loves greenhouse gasses! And if there were no Olympics...Michael Phelps would be a dope addict!!!!

Jacki said...

I've learned something new....boogers float.

VE said...

jacki - See how educational this blog is? I should apply to Obama for a grant...

Nessa said...

i thought you had links to pictures illustrating the events.

VE said...

nessa - Hell doesn't allow cameras unless they're the kind with film and they don't bother to give you a darkroom. Plus, I'm just that lazy to not give you pictures...

Jaime said...

just take the bar exam... that's the profession's own personal hell olympics :P

VE said...

jaime - I eat the powerbars...I don't know much about any of the other energy bars though...I'd probably fail.

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subby said...

I'm bettin' "Booger" from "Revenge of the Nerds" is the over-seer of the golf event :)