Sunday, November 01, 2009

Annual Meeting of the Old Wives

Every year it’s the same. All the Old Wives get together and nominate which tale will become an official “Old Wives Tale.” Let’s listen in…

OW1: Ok, let’s call this meeting to order. First I’d like to welcome our newest member, Angie O’Plasty to the meeting.

OW2: But she’s only 44, she doesn’t qualify to be an old wife yet.

OW1: She’s a hillbilly. She got married at 12. She’s been a wife for 32 years. I think that qualifies her.

OW2: Hmmph…well SHE’S never used a wringer-washer or collected green stamps. I still say it’s all wrong.

OW1: Never mind, she’s in. Now, on to our winners…

OW3: First of all, let’s congratulate last year’s winner, Mary Hismoney for her wonderful entry: If your right ear itches, someone is saying something nice about you. If it’s the left, someone’s saying something bad about you.

OW2: Yeah, well if she didn’t have eczema of the ears she never would have come up with that!

Mary scratches her left ear…

OW3: Quiet down now. Our second-runner up submission is, “If you walk backwards out of the shower, you’ll never have dry heels”

OW2: Hmmph, if I walk backwards out of the shower I’ll have a concussion from the fall!

OW3: Our first runner-up submission is, “Rubbing your cell phone with garlic will prevent bad news from arriving”

OW2: Good grief, did the Verizon guy have his grandmother submit that one?

OW3: Our winning submission is, “Laying an hourglass on its side will buy you extra time in your day”

OW2: Oh, I can see where this one is going.

OW3: Well, as a matter-of-fact, we did happen to have purchased 100,000 handy hour glasses to sell in preparations for this. We think they’ll sell like flags sold after 9-11…

OW2: The only benefit I can see by being in this organization is that I’ll die fairly soon…

27 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Finally, I cannot believe it's all mine again. Yea!!

Mrsupole said...

Hmmm, on the 9th I will be married 35 years and I was only 9 when I got married. Plus my hubby works for Verizon, and I am a grandmother.

Dang it VE, are you gonna keep writing about my clubs, along with taking pictures of the houses I grew up in. I just cannot hide from you at all.

Oh wait, it was my mom who had the wringer washer and collected those green stamps, although we did help her with the laundry and pasted those stamps in the books for her.

And that was when I was only 5, she was grooming me for women's lib. You know how I love my M16. Best weapon ever made.

God bless.

The Incredible Woody said...

The old wives around here stick to weather forecasting, especially the lady from Crab Orchard, TN. According to her, it is going to be a cold winter!

Gladys said...

Well this old wife knows that if you keep bay leaves on your counter you will never have Ants, it keeps away the uncles too.

Quirkyloon said...

I'm sitting here right now with a q-tip stuck in my left ear. It won't stop itching!

And here I thought I wasn't popular!

Thanks VE for setting me straight.

Ha!

AngelMay said...

Good day to post this one, VE.

Janna said...

Oooh, ooo, let me make some up too!
Let's see...

1. Adding a bit of ex-lax to the brownies will keep houseguests from staying too long

2. If your big toe itches, it means you should've kicked that jerk at the gas station who overcharged you for a bottle of 7-up

3. If an orange cat throws up on your floor, you should have your blood pressure checked

4. If a houseguest farts on the sofa, it may mean bad luck, depending on what you added to the brownies.

Elizabeth said...

How come we don't have any Old Husband Tales??

VE said...

mrsupole - It took you this long to get back into first? ;) I'll keep stalking you (no, I don't wear a bunny suit...)

incredible woody - How astute of her. Now if she'd predicted a really hot winter and it came true...I'd be impressed!

gladys - We don't have any bays near by to collect those leaves from...

quirkyloon - You know better than to put qtips into your ear. They're for external use only...

angelmay - Is it Old Wives day or something?

janna - Ha! Good ones. I just never invite anyone in...cuts down on house guests...

elizabeth - The old wives have put them to an early grave...

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

The male version is just plain OCD.

Jaime said...

who tortured that poor kid by dressing him up as a toilet? i wonder how many times he got his ass kicked while wearing that costume. or how many people tried to give him swirlys.

i know that has nothing to do with your post - but i had to comment on the pic of the day.

Uncivil said...

I wonder if rubbing my phone with garlic would deter telemarketers?

Ronda Laveen said...

Hey! I'm trying the trick about the heels. Backwards, you say.

monica said...

... and if one doesn't answer all e-mails within 5 minutes, one will gain 10 kilos and one's left boob will drop off...

nursemyra said...

I've got an hour glass figure. Lay me on my side and watch how quickly the time goes by then

Nessa said...

You are just incredibly goofy.

Here's my favorite: If you stay on your couch watching tv you will never step on a crack and break your mother's back.

Book Review #5 - Merle's Door

Beth said...

I'm an "old" wife - but in a different sense. ;)
I have lots of tales to tell. Wonder if they'd let me join?

Anne said...

if you eat picnic food from a paper plate (not styro) it'll suck out the vitamins.

VE said...

perpetual - Does that stand for Orang County Detectives? It's an X-Box event, right?

jaime - It's a sad, sad costume...

uncivil - You know what works great for that? Not paying the phone bill...

ronda - "You're results may vary..."

monica - What if I don't have the answers? Should I still return emails?

nursemyra - Yes you do...and yes it would!

nessa - That's good advice!

beth - Why not...as long as you can come up with some doozies...

anne - No WONDER they say picnic food isn't nutritional...

Serena said...

Better a convention of soothsaying old wives than a convention of screaming fishwives, I guess.:)

Ellie said...

Sex you have standing up doesn't count.

VE said...

serena - Screaming fishwives are the worst!

ellie - I never counted it...

lime said...

dang, i wish it were that easy!

lime said...

dang, i wish it were that easy!

VE said...

lime - You can tell the tale but having it come true is another matter...

Maureen said...

Hey! I'm an old wife (nearly 30 years) and I take exception to this blatent stereotyping!!!!

(Not really, I'm still laughing at the name Angie O’Plasty....)

VE said...

maureen - You know what's funny...I KNEW you would comment on that name. I just knew it...