Horoscopes: Come on now. They’re all so positive and upbeat. They all provide hope and understanding. Bah humbug. Don’t they realize the stores already have Christmas started and have since mid-September? Don’t they know about foreclosures and ponzi scams?
I say we need a yang to their yin! I present VE’s “Horrorscopes” instead. Whereas Horoscopes live in the Zodiac, the Horrorscopes live in the Zombiac. Enjoy…
Aries
Motto: “Ram it, buddy…”
As the first sign in the Zombiac, you just have to try and lead everything. Usually, you’re wandering aimlessly by yourself because your followers have ditched you miles ago because it’s all about you and so you never looked back!
Taurus
Motto: “No bull!”
You are strong. Which suggests that you should shower more often. I mean, really, you’re not in Europe or something! You’re also quite stubborn and are known to plod along on a task until the very end, which is why you’re boss gives you all the crap assignments and tells you they’re the good ones.
Gemini
Motto: “You want twins? Try both my middle fingers!!!”
Versatility is a great keyword for your type. Which really means that you don’t know what the hell you want. One side of you is agreeable and the other has a butcher knife waiting to stab in the back. You make great party entertainment. People put you in a room and have your split personalities argue with each other.
Cancer
Motto: “You think I’m crabby now, wait until the morning!”
You’re running amok with emotions and sentimentality like some bad straight-to-DVD chick flick. Most people don’t want to hang out with you once they find out you’re a cancer because they’re all so stupid they think that you actually HAVE cancer.
Leo
Motto: “What extra money? Would I be lion to you?”
When you enter center stage, everyone notices. Too bad it’s because your fly is undone. You’re so intense and self-assured that you can cheat at solitaire and not feel guilty. The world revolves around you but that just means that shit rotates inward to you just like a black hole.
Virgo
Motto: “Did you sterilize before you touch me?”
You’ve dedicated your life to serving…and you probably won’t even get a good tip out of it. You’re shy and you worry because, well, you should! You have a deep sense of humanity…just hope that sense isn’t smell…because, damn!
Libra
Motto: “Don’t stand on my scale…you’ll break it!”
Balance is the key phrase for you. You’ll hold a life-long grudge on that third grader that cut in front of you in the cafeteria line but then you’ll take pity on the fat boy the bullies are rolling down the slide. You hate being alone so much you’ll internet date from the free sites or Craig’s List.
Scorpio
Motto: “It’s not a sting, it’s just a little prick”
You’re passionate, distrusting and resourceful personality makes you and excellent candidate for one of the scum careers on the planet such a law or politics. Just because you don’t show emotion doesn’t mean you don’t cry…onion juice in the eyes waters you every single time!
Sagittarius
Motto: “Yeah, I’ll shoot your apple. Your Adam’s apple!”
You’re optimistic, enthusiastic and a traveler by nature. Which means you’ll probably get killed when you wander into Somalia singing “Give Peace a Chance” without warning. And stop promising the disabled that they’ll walk again; you’ve got a sick sense of humor!
Capricorn
Motto: “I’ll get your goat, alright!”
When it comes to professionalism and traditional values, you are it! Too bad nobody cares about those things anymore. Remember that Carly Simon song “You’re so Vain” and how nobody knew who that was about? Yeah, it’s you.
Aquarius
Motto: “I’ll rain on your parade!”
You’re all doomed to be liberal art majors and work in non-profits. It’s not so bad though; you’re smarter than most people…you just can’t do anything prosperous with it. Of all the people reading these horrorscopes, you’re the only one that will believe them!
Pisces
Motto: “Something smells fishy…and it isn’t me…I swear!”
You’re a lovely gentle flower petal…that got yanked abruptly off the “in” flower and left to be a victim of your own fears. Seek out the life of a librarian and try to stop day dreaming about fairies and rainbows.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Horrorscopes
Thunk up by
Ed
at
4:00 AM
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38 comments:
Five, fo fum. Yahoooieee.
I'm a Libra and you have gotten me perfectly.
Wordless Wednesday
I always cheat at solitaire, I thought about telling the other me, but noticed that me, looks just like me on the other side and so then I said WTF, and thought cheating was good and that maybe I could make some money, only the other me was broke and told me that hell had to freeze over before I got paid, I said WTF, do you not know they are having the Olympics going on right now and hell was never going to freeze over. Crap, I wonder why I am so freaking poor. Maybe I should write a song, maybe not.
God bless.
I sterilized before posting this comment. I'm worried because I liked Gemini's 'scope the best.
If I had two personalities, I would INSIST that they be cordial to each other at all times.
Yes, I'm a perfectionist.
The zombiac? Ha!
Gemini and, yes, guilty as charged!
Don't know how accurate the other horrorscopes are, but you pretty much nailed the Leo one. But because I'm so self-assured, I know you're talking about all the other Leos and not me.
I'm a Gemini.
Oh yeah, just wait if I ever see that 3rd grader again... she was a bitch.
And the fat guy? Never even thanked me for pulling his ass out of the tube slide.
Yeah, I'm a Libra alright. Balanced.
Oooooommmmmmm.
mrsupole - You're on a roll now!
nessa - Ask your doctor if reality is right for you...
mrsupole - The good news is that cheaters never perspire. Isn't that how it goes?
quirkyloon - I knew you secretly carried that butcher knife behind your back. All zombie lovers do!
roy - Your split personalities are discussing whether that forecast is accurate right now, aren't they?
jeff - Yes, only the tall Leo's are the real problem...
kurt - I suspected that. Everybody knows Todd is your split personality...
maureen - You just can't decide can you...dark side (more parties), jedi side (more colors for light sabers)
I'm not Aquarius, but that one made me laugh the hardest. That and Scorpio's "little prick."
You see I'm a Virgo...which explains so much...
I have hear that when the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter aligns with Mars that peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars.
I wonder which stars? Brad and Angie? Vince and Jen? Tom and Kate? John and Kate and what about the 8?
I must be a Ram in sheeps clothing?
Maybe I'm more of a bull?
OMG you've got me in one! I'm a Libra . . (star sign not a feminine hygeine product)
Wait a minute?????
Where's the Veteran's Day post???
Libra here. You missed me, VE. I get along quite well alone. Although I do have a soft spot for people picked on by bullies.
Aries - Yeah. Get behind me.
Hello? Anyone back there?
I love the Zombiac.
Well, I AM a dainty little flower. And I dream about more than just fairies and rainbows. I dream about puppies and kitties and little fluffy bunnies too!
Am I the only Capricorn?
Really?
Carly Simon and I need to have a talk.
megan - It's so true...isn't it?
gladys - Probably Tom and Brad will be the couple...
uncivil - You've definitely got some bull... ;)
angelmay - Oh sure, let's ask THEM! ;)
reforminggeek - You're running the wrong way, aren't you...
elizabeth - You've gone the full thing there haven't you...
janna - That brings a whole new meaning to the song. I'm going to have to listen to it again. ps - Did you sell the yacht?
bwahaha...ok, i'll be checking my fly more often...and i always win at solitaire...
Aw. I was hoping it would actually have something to do with zombies... and me, you know, shooting them down in a torrent of shotgun shells.
But sadly I am disappointed.
Oh, alright I'm an astrologer consulting Aquarian. And there's a lot to be said for...
brian - You should turn professional with that solittaire skill...
mj - Everybody wants to shoot zombies these days. I'm surprised they haven't formed a group yet and been on Orpah complaining about it...
ronda - Ha! You believed these!
LOL!
I have been told I throw great parties....now I am just wondering if that is a compliment or not.
perpetual chocoholic - You're a picses, aren't you...
jacki - Ha! Don't worry, they're probably all Aries anyway...
i'm a gemini watch out! I'm going to share this with my two co workers that insist on reading the horror scopes daily, telling me what kind of a day I'm going to have.
dee - Uh oh...and you're even within driving distance. Well...you'd probably float away if you tried to drive to Portland this time of year...
no comment.
not because i agree with my horoscope, but because I don't do them in the first place.
ha. i'm always telling people i'm a cancer, no, i don't have cancer.
anne - But you were secretly curious of yours...admit it
jaime - It's the bane of cancers...
Yep, out in the lead and don't really care if anyone is following or not.
haha. I'm an Aquarius and you were dead right. The part about liberal arts; not the believing thing.
Great ingenuity. Maybe you should go public with your own version each day. I'm sure it would be a hit.
Least we are smrt ;)
carla - Ha! Good for you.
matty - That might be a lot of work and I'm so OCD...
starrlight - Well, you've got that going for you...
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