Horrorscopes

Horoscopes: Come on now. They’re all so positive and upbeat. They all provide hope and understanding. Bah humbug. Don’t they realize the stores already have Christmas started and have since mid-September? Don’t they know about foreclosures and ponzi scams?

I say we need a yang to their yin! I present VE’s “Horrorscopes” instead. Whereas Horoscopes live in the Zodiac, the Horrorscopes live in the Zombiac. Enjoy…

Aries

Motto: “Ram it, buddy…”

As the first sign in the Zombiac, you just have to try and lead everything. Usually, you’re wandering aimlessly by yourself because your followers have ditched you miles ago because it’s all about you and so you never looked back!

Taurus

Motto: “No bull!”

You are strong. Which suggests that you should shower more often. I mean, really, you’re not in Europe or something! You’re also quite stubborn and are known to plod along on a task until the very end, which is why you’re boss gives you all the crap assignments and tells you they’re the good ones.

Gemini

Motto: “You want twins? Try both my middle fingers!!!”

Versatility is a great keyword for your type. Which really means that you don’t know what the hell you want. One side of you is agreeable and the other has a butcher knife waiting to stab in the back. You make great party entertainment. People put you in a room and have your split personalities argue with each other.

Cancer

Motto: “You think I’m crabby now, wait until the morning!”

You’re running amok with emotions and sentimentality like some bad straight-to-DVD chick flick. Most people don’t want to hang out with you once they find out you’re a cancer because they’re all so stupid they think that you actually HAVE cancer.

Leo

Motto: “What extra money? Would I be lion to you?”

When you enter center stage, everyone notices. Too bad it’s because your fly is undone. You’re so intense and self-assured that you can cheat at solitaire and not feel guilty. The world revolves around you but that just means that shit rotates inward to you just like a black hole.

Virgo

Motto: “Did you sterilize before you touch me?”

You’ve dedicated your life to serving…and you probably won’t even get a good tip out of it. You’re shy and you worry because, well, you should! You have a deep sense of humanity…just hope that sense isn’t smell…because, damn!

Libra

Motto: “Don’t stand on my scale…you’ll break it!”

Balance is the key phrase for you. You’ll hold a life-long grudge on that third grader that cut in front of you in the cafeteria line but then you’ll take pity on the fat boy the bullies are rolling down the slide. You hate being alone so much you’ll internet date from the free sites or Craig’s List.

Scorpio

Motto: “It’s not a sting, it’s just a little prick”

You’re passionate, distrusting and resourceful personality makes you and excellent candidate for one of the scum careers on the planet such a law or politics. Just because you don’t show emotion doesn’t mean you don’t cry…onion juice in the eyes waters you every single time!

Sagittarius

Motto: “Yeah, I’ll shoot your apple. Your Adam’s apple!”

You’re optimistic, enthusiastic and a traveler by nature. Which means you’ll probably get killed when you wander into Somalia singing “Give Peace a Chance” without warning. And stop promising the disabled that they’ll walk again; you’ve got a sick sense of humor!

Capricorn

Motto: “I’ll get your goat, alright!”

When it comes to professionalism and traditional values, you are it! Too bad nobody cares about those things anymore. Remember that Carly Simon song “You’re so Vain” and how nobody knew who that was about? Yeah, it’s you.

Aquarius

Motto: “I’ll rain on your parade!”

You’re all doomed to be liberal art majors and work in non-profits. It’s not so bad though; you’re smarter than most people…you just can’t do anything prosperous with it. Of all the people reading these horrorscopes, you’re the only one that will believe them!

Pisces

Motto: “Something smells fishy…and it isn’t me…I swear!”

You’re a lovely gentle flower petal…that got yanked abruptly off the “in” flower and left to be a victim of your own fears. Seek out the life of a librarian and try to stop day dreaming about fairies and rainbows.