Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Horrorscopes

Horoscopes: Come on now. They’re all so positive and upbeat. They all provide hope and understanding. Bah humbug. Don’t they realize the stores already have Christmas started and have since mid-September? Don’t they know about foreclosures and ponzi scams?

I say we need a yang to their yin! I present VE’s “Horrorscopes” instead. Whereas Horoscopes live in the Zodiac, the Horrorscopes live in the Zombiac. Enjoy…

Aries

Motto: “Ram it, buddy…”

As the first sign in the Zombiac, you just have to try and lead everything. Usually, you’re wandering aimlessly by yourself because your followers have ditched you miles ago because it’s all about you and so you never looked back!

Taurus

Motto: “No bull!”

You are strong. Which suggests that you should shower more often. I mean, really, you’re not in Europe or something! You’re also quite stubborn and are known to plod along on a task until the very end, which is why you’re boss gives you all the crap assignments and tells you they’re the good ones.

Gemini

Motto: “You want twins? Try both my middle fingers!!!”

Versatility is a great keyword for your type. Which really means that you don’t know what the hell you want. One side of you is agreeable and the other has a butcher knife waiting to stab in the back. You make great party entertainment. People put you in a room and have your split personalities argue with each other.

Cancer

Motto: “You think I’m crabby now, wait until the morning!”

You’re running amok with emotions and sentimentality like some bad straight-to-DVD chick flick. Most people don’t want to hang out with you once they find out you’re a cancer because they’re all so stupid they think that you actually HAVE cancer.

Leo

Motto: “What extra money? Would I be lion to you?”

When you enter center stage, everyone notices. Too bad it’s because your fly is undone. You’re so intense and self-assured that you can cheat at solitaire and not feel guilty. The world revolves around you but that just means that shit rotates inward to you just like a black hole.

Virgo

Motto: “Did you sterilize before you touch me?”

You’ve dedicated your life to serving…and you probably won’t even get a good tip out of it. You’re shy and you worry because, well, you should! You have a deep sense of humanity…just hope that sense isn’t smell…because, damn!

Libra

Motto: “Don’t stand on my scale…you’ll break it!”

Balance is the key phrase for you. You’ll hold a life-long grudge on that third grader that cut in front of you in the cafeteria line but then you’ll take pity on the fat boy the bullies are rolling down the slide. You hate being alone so much you’ll internet date from the free sites or Craig’s List.

Scorpio

Motto: “It’s not a sting, it’s just a little prick”

You’re passionate, distrusting and resourceful personality makes you and excellent candidate for one of the scum careers on the planet such a law or politics. Just because you don’t show emotion doesn’t mean you don’t cry…onion juice in the eyes waters you every single time!

Sagittarius

Motto: “Yeah, I’ll shoot your apple. Your Adam’s apple!”

You’re optimistic, enthusiastic and a traveler by nature. Which means you’ll probably get killed when you wander into Somalia singing “Give Peace a Chance” without warning. And stop promising the disabled that they’ll walk again; you’ve got a sick sense of humor!

Capricorn

Motto: “I’ll get your goat, alright!”

When it comes to professionalism and traditional values, you are it! Too bad nobody cares about those things anymore. Remember that Carly Simon song “You’re so Vain” and how nobody knew who that was about? Yeah, it’s you.

Aquarius

Motto: “I’ll rain on your parade!”

You’re all doomed to be liberal art majors and work in non-profits. It’s not so bad though; you’re smarter than most people…you just can’t do anything prosperous with it. Of all the people reading these horrorscopes, you’re the only one that will believe them!

Pisces

Motto: “Something smells fishy…and it isn’t me…I swear!”

You’re a lovely gentle flower petal…that got yanked abruptly off the “in” flower and left to be a victim of your own fears. Seek out the life of a librarian and try to stop day dreaming about fairies and rainbows.

38 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Five, fo fum. Yahoooieee.

Nessa said...

I'm a Libra and you have gotten me perfectly.

Wordless Wednesday

Mrsupole said...

I always cheat at solitaire, I thought about telling the other me, but noticed that me, looks just like me on the other side and so then I said WTF, and thought cheating was good and that maybe I could make some money, only the other me was broke and told me that hell had to freeze over before I got paid, I said WTF, do you not know they are having the Olympics going on right now and hell was never going to freeze over. Crap, I wonder why I am so freaking poor. Maybe I should write a song, maybe not.

God bless.

Quirkyloon said...

I sterilized before posting this comment. I'm worried because I liked Gemini's 'scope the best.

If I had two personalities, I would INSIST that they be cordial to each other at all times.

Yes, I'm a perfectionist.

The zombiac? Ha!

Roy Scribner said...

Gemini and, yes, guilty as charged!

Jeff said...

Don't know how accurate the other horrorscopes are, but you pretty much nailed the Leo one. But because I'm so self-assured, I know you're talking about all the other Leos and not me.

Kurt said...

I'm a Gemini.

Maureen said...

Oh yeah, just wait if I ever see that 3rd grader again... she was a bitch.

And the fat guy? Never even thanked me for pulling his ass out of the tube slide.

Yeah, I'm a Libra alright. Balanced.

Oooooommmmmmm.

VE said...

mrsupole - You're on a roll now!

nessa - Ask your doctor if reality is right for you...

mrsupole - The good news is that cheaters never perspire. Isn't that how it goes?

quirkyloon - I knew you secretly carried that butcher knife behind your back. All zombie lovers do!

roy - Your split personalities are discussing whether that forecast is accurate right now, aren't they?

jeff - Yes, only the tall Leo's are the real problem...

kurt - I suspected that. Everybody knows Todd is your split personality...

VE said...

maureen - You just can't decide can you...dark side (more parties), jedi side (more colors for light sabers)

Megan said...

I'm not Aquarius, but that one made me laugh the hardest. That and Scorpio's "little prick."

Gladys said...

You see I'm a Virgo...which explains so much...

I have hear that when the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter aligns with Mars that peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars.

I wonder which stars? Brad and Angie? Vince and Jen? Tom and Kate? John and Kate and what about the 8?

Uncivil said...

I must be a Ram in sheeps clothing?
Maybe I'm more of a bull?

Baino said...

OMG you've got me in one! I'm a Libra . . (star sign not a feminine hygeine product)

Uncivil said...

Wait a minute?????
Where's the Veteran's Day post???

AngelMay said...

Libra here. You missed me, VE. I get along quite well alone. Although I do have a soft spot for people picked on by bullies.

ReformingGeek said...

Aries - Yeah. Get behind me.

Hello? Anyone back there?

I love the Zombiac.

Elizabeth said...

Well, I AM a dainty little flower. And I dream about more than just fairies and rainbows. I dream about puppies and kitties and little fluffy bunnies too!

Janna said...

Am I the only Capricorn?
Really?

Carly Simon and I need to have a talk.

VE said...

megan - It's so true...isn't it?

gladys - Probably Tom and Brad will be the couple...

uncivil - You've definitely got some bull... ;)

angelmay - Oh sure, let's ask THEM! ;)

reforminggeek - You're running the wrong way, aren't you...

elizabeth - You've gone the full thing there haven't you...

VE said...

janna - That brings a whole new meaning to the song. I'm going to have to listen to it again. ps - Did you sell the yacht?

Brian Miller said...

bwahaha...ok, i'll be checking my fly more often...and i always win at solitaire...

MJ said...

Aw. I was hoping it would actually have something to do with zombies... and me, you know, shooting them down in a torrent of shotgun shells.

But sadly I am disappointed.

Ronda Laveen said...

Oh, alright I'm an astrologer consulting Aquarian. And there's a lot to be said for...

VE said...

brian - You should turn professional with that solittaire skill...

mj - Everybody wants to shoot zombies these days. I'm surprised they haven't formed a group yet and been on Orpah complaining about it...

ronda - Ha! You believed these!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

LOL!

Jacki said...

I have been told I throw great parties....now I am just wondering if that is a compliment or not.

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - You're a picses, aren't you...

jacki - Ha! Don't worry, they're probably all Aries anyway...

Dee said...

i'm a gemini watch out! I'm going to share this with my two co workers that insist on reading the horror scopes daily, telling me what kind of a day I'm going to have.

VE said...

dee - Uh oh...and you're even within driving distance. Well...you'd probably float away if you tried to drive to Portland this time of year...

Anne said...

no comment.

not because i agree with my horoscope, but because I don't do them in the first place.

Jaime said...

ha. i'm always telling people i'm a cancer, no, i don't have cancer.

VE said...

anne - But you were secretly curious of yours...admit it

jaime - It's the bane of cancers...

Carla said...

Yep, out in the lead and don't really care if anyone is following or not.

mama-face said...

haha. I'm an Aquarius and you were dead right. The part about liberal arts; not the believing thing.

Matty said...

Great ingenuity. Maybe you should go public with your own version each day. I'm sure it would be a hit.

Starrlight said...

Least we are smrt ;)

VE said...

carla - Ha! Good for you.

matty - That might be a lot of work and I'm so OCD...

starrlight - Well, you've got that going for you...