Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Pass the Vomit Please

I was up the other night enjoying a lovely three hours having a conversation with my porcelain buddy, the toilet. Here’s a snippet of how that conversation went…

VE: Damn that restaurant, what in the hell did they serve me? It’s 2am and I feel like I’m going to hurl.

Toilet: Silence

VE: Oh please, just let it pass. Please let me skip throwing up. I promise I’ll never eat again.

Toilet: Silence

Who invented the concept of vomiting, anyway? I’d like to formally point out that their design SUCKS! Ok, sucking is the other direction but you know what I mean. Seriously, shouldn’t they have just used the belly button as an emergency relief drain instead of reversing the entire flow up through the damn mouth?

I mean a relief drain and tube in the belly button would be much more convenient. Too many spicy foods? Relief drain! Too many calories but you couldn’t resist that chocolate delicacy? Relief drain! Accidentally swallow that bottle of pills because your boy band broke up? Relief drain! Hell, why not throw in a nutritional gauge and a stomach tank gauge in there as well. The high-tech body! Its gonna happen.

What else is the belly button good for other than collecting lint balls and putting Matrix tracking probes into? Talk about a one use item. You’re born and then that’s it for that. I say…we could have used it more effectively. Then I wouldn’t have to be brushing my teeth and gargling after vomiting only to discover I wasn’t done yet and have to repeat the process all over again!

I’ll admit it wouldn’t have been as effective for the Exorcist movie to spew green vomit across the room from a relief drain as it is from the mouth but I’m willing to concede that one value in the name of convenience.

Oh, and I’m one of those type of people that will go for hours and hours whining about having to vomit rather than just getting it over with. No, I have to add the suffering foreplay of trying to convince myself that it will all pass if I can just hold out. Of course, it rarely ever does…

PS…You should thank me for sparing you the images that come up when you Google "vomit." You don’t want to know…

36 comments:

monica said...

"go for hours and hours whining "

yeah you're a man allright...:o) oh poor baby :o)

got U MrsU !!!

Beth said...

I shouldn’t have read this before having breakfast.
But I do like your musings as to belly button usage.

Moooooog35 said...

I Googled 'vomit.'

You're SO right.

NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE, needs to see Whoopi Goldberg that early in the morning.

I'm sick just thinking about it.

The Incredible Woody said...

Precisely why I don't drink alcohol. Much.

Nessa said...

I appreciate your discretion in the use of images. My garbage can at work is too full to vomit into and the toilets not clean enough.

Tuesday's Tales #1 - John

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

What a lovely piece of art;-)

If it came from your belly button you'd wet your shirt and/or pants!

Roy Scribner said...

My belly button would have to be HUGE!

Elizabeth said...

Ugh, I hate food poisoning! I hate it worse than the flu because it comes on so fast and hurts my stomach so much. But unlike the flu at least it's over fast too. What did you have to eat? Hope you're feeling better now.

lime said...

igk, i feel your pain. i think the belly button idea makes a lot of sense. get to work on that when you're feeling better.

VE said...

monica - I've heard this about men. Must be our ripping 6-pack abs and all those pec muscles that make it harder for us...

beth - Now you should have known it wasn't going to be good with a title like that...and I took it easy on you really...

moooooog35 - Ha! Why am I not surprised that you would google it...

incredible woody - It's always fun recycling a bunch of $8 drinks...

nessa - You're just going to have to not get food poisoning. Good luck...

perpetual chocoholic - All shirts in the future would come with its own maxi pad for that purpose...

roy - Expansion and retraction and high pressure will do the trick...

elizabeth - I had a simple ceasar salad and a pasta dish that didn't seem like it would be suspect but it had some cream sauce that was probably the culprit...

lime - Yes, I'm sure I can get a medical grant and a host of doctors lined up from Nip/Tuck to start conversions...

Kurt said...

It's been a few years for me - I'm due.

Alice Audrey said...

I can already see high-pressure relief valve spewing exorcist style too easily without the pictures. :) Thanks for refraining.

Baino said...

Hmm . . fortunately I'm blessed with an industrial constitution and it's been a very long time since I had to drive the porcelain bus! Hope you've divested yourself of all the bugs by now and feeling better. I dunno, if you don't leak at one end . . you'd only leak at the other!

Megan said...

Puppies and rainbows!!!!

Ronda Laveen said...

I HATE puking, hurling, vomiting. Ick! I try to avoid it at all costs too. Love the relief drain idea. Oh yeah, and the "Hurley" photo. Perfect.

nanny said...

I think the relief valve is a wonderful idea. I too fight the urge to "you know" for hours instead of getting it over with. I would much rather just be whipped if I had a choice of the two!!!!!!!

warmchocmilk said...

You crack me up. Thanks for sparing us the google vomit. I like the concept of a relief drain... more investigation needed. Oh and Yes VE you are a feminist....thanks on behalf of your wife for putting the toilet seat back down. :)

Quirkyloon said...

Oh! Now we know what the V stands for in VE.

Vomit!

Hurl!

VE said...

kurt - Wonderful how you just assume you will hurl again in the future...

alice - Normally I'd have all the photos...I must be getting soft in my old age...

baino - The whole leaking thing doesn't sound appealing. I suggest better gaskets...

megan - Yep...I was waiting for one...

ronda - You and me both. Yes, even the burley don't like to Hurley. Har!

nanny - Yes, I would agree...as long as the whipping doesn't leave any permanent scars that is...

warmchocmilk - It was the least I could do for letting me install that urinal in the wall beside the bed...just kidding...

quirkyloon - Ha! Sounds like VE...vomit envy...

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I just googled it because I couldn't resist. Nasty!

Serena said...

Poor baby! I'd rather remove my own appendix with pinking shears than throw up. Hope you're feeling better now. And wherever you ate, don't go there again!

Jaime said...

so what is hurleys really?

Gladys said...

VE - Vomiting is one thing...vomiting in my date, the Barry Gibb look-a-like in 197? is another. :)

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

I stumbled across your blog and it cracked me up. I really like the belly button idea. It seems like common sense. It's closer to the source and after birth it serves no other purpose, why not make good use of it?

Janna said...

Count me in as another one of the poor saps who just had to Google "vomit".

There is actually a site called "Rate My Vomit" Dot Com.

Aaccgghhhh! :o

Carla said...

I'm trying to resist...but I just might have to google it. Ugh.

Dot-Com said...

Awww poor you! But the belly button idea is great. You should submit the idea to a competition. There's bound to be one out there for body improvements :)

Uncivil said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Uncivil said...

Great green globs of chewed up gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, two dirty birdie feet and I forgot my spoon?

Uncivil said...

Ah crap?...I couldn't remember it until I got in the shower and started singin' it!
It's supposed to be......
"Great green globs of chewed up gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, two dirty birdie feet. Four giant eyeballs rollin' down the slimy street,and I forgot my spoon..........but I got my straw!!!!

Mrsupole said...

I too hate to puke and will fight it for hours and hours, while hubby just gets it over. I am a total toilet bowl hugging whinner.

And on top of that I am a joiner, I see someone puking and then I will just upchuck where I am standing, sitting, or laying. I can't even make it to the toilet when I'm joining someone. So if I hear anyone even sounding like they are going to vomit, I run in the opposite direction.

Which means....excuse me please...I gotta run....#$%*^&.....oh crap.....

God bless.

Anne said...

i'm only commenting on this so I can keep my status near the top of your blog list.

Maureen said...

I too skipped the details.... this topic is my one great phobia.

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - Ha! I thought so too. I tried to warn you but some people just have to stand on the tracks to watch the train arrive...

serena - How did you know about the current HMO appendix removal process?

jaime - Hurleys is a surf oriented clothing shop now owned as part of the Nike universe...

gladys - I'm going to take it that wasn't a typo when you said "in" my date. I'm also going to guess there wasn't a second date...

the girl with the flower in her hair - You officially win for having the longest alias name. Thanks for finding the blog. If you continue to comment, I'll use your abbreviation: TGWTFIHH. It's so obvious...

janna - Ha! Yes, if you tell some people..."Hey look...blood jello" there are certain people that just cannot resist from trying it...

uncivil - You know...I think you were doing pretty good by not remembering that...

mrsupole - Ooh...a joiner. I like that. Well, not literally. I'm not a complete joiner. But if I'm in a hospital and there's something going on I'll probably throw up or pass out if it's not happening to me...

anne - I'm only replying because you made a generic comment...

maureen - Don't be afraid...I didn't get too graphic...

Hit 40 said...

My neighbor had some kind of funky stomach problem that if he needed to vomit it would get stuck...

so he would have to go to the hospital in an ambulance when ever he got sick.

VE said...

hit40 - That doesn't sound good at all. I don't think I'd do a lot of drinking with that condition...