Sunday, December 06, 2009

H is for HEAVEN

For the letter H, let’s focus on....

Heaven

Yes, there is nothing like a “light” topic to kick things off again here.

Roughly speaking, heaven either means the physical sky or universe or it refers to an “afterlife plane of existence”. No, that doesn’t mean you’ll have to go through a soul security check and be served stale peanuts on your way there.

Heaven has so many meanings I could write an entire humor book on the subject. Of course, doing that would only piss off the entire religious world and I’d have to go into hiding for the rest of my life; oh wait, I rarely go out anyway…

Now don’t get all superior on me…I’m a spiritual guy but I’m not a religious guy (I learned that from Match.com when they ask about your religion because any other answer other than “Spiritual but not religious” won’t get you laid until you’re at least married or remarried and who really wants to leave the fruit on the tree now…come on…Adam was our teacher…he knew Jesus would be around later to clean up the mess…meanwhile…party!)

You have to wonder about heaven though. What is with all those clouds and white? I don’t think so. First of all, I’m always spilling something so my heavenly wardrobe won’t be looking so white after the first meal…and by the way…who does all the white laundry in heaven? What a hell of a job…

Oh, and angels, what’s with the wings? What if I’m afraid of flying? Plus, how can you really play a fun game of naked twister in heaven if you’ve got these big bulky wings restricting you?

The thing about the concept of heaven is that it basically breaks down to “with the creator” or “without the creator”. Once again, there are the haves and the have-nots. How fitting is that?

Now the mechanics of what is heaven, what you experience there and how it all works is completely subject to interpretation or simply made up. For example, I could write that heaven is made of pickles and is based on a pickle hierarchy. Wait several thousand years and somebody will take that literally or symbolically and worship pickles. And why shouldn’t we…those dills are quite good!

Ok, since most readers have the attention span of a gnat (including me), I’m going to continue this post with a follow up (maybe two or more) to look closer at all of these religions and what their interpretation of heaven is.

I know…good luck!

35 comments:

subby said...

Bloomin' pickle worshipper! I knew it~HA! And my whites would be more coffee coloured anyway....

subby said...

LMAO @your latest song parody( I'm in tears here )....

Nessa said...

We can have the first pickle religious war. I prefer Bread & Butter pickles.

Santa Puppets

Tom said...

i would love to be a gardener in Heaven...i wonder if weeds grow there?

Mrsupole said...

I thought Heaven was where Warren Beatty came from. And now you are telling me it is where the dill pickles come from. Wow, having this migraine is sure confusing. I do not have a clue as to what is what anymore. And I was not FOA today. Crappy migraine.

But hey I moved up two more places too, just like PC. I would say that was pretty good. Not enough days left in the year to pass anyone else up, cause I am surely not going to pass Kurt up, cause he shows up here more than he does there. Gee that is pretty much what I do too. I think my mojo went to visit Megan's mojo and I am waiting for it to come back. Guess I am so depressed about Monk ending that I am lost. I need to write about it, but it is so sad.

Oh yeah, Monk didn't die or go to heaven, he just stopped.

God bless.

PS...and we know Hell is still having those freaking Olympic games.

Beth said...

Based on this wacky & funny interpretation of heaven, I’m looking forward to what you do with the streets “paved with gold.”

Jaime said...

i can't wait to hear more about this new pickle religion. as long as you don't have to take monthly brine baths, it could have potential.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

You don't eat or drink in Heaven so you don't have to worry about soiling your robes, silly man! You're a spirit, not a body. I suppose that means there's also no bathrooms!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Or chocolate....D'Oh!!!!!!!

subby said...

"In heaven there is no beer! That's why we drink it here"...la-la-la-laaa-la-la...

Can't remember who sings that...

Elizabeth said...

For the first time my baby let me sleep through the whole night without any crying! Now THAT'S freaking heaven!

AngelMay said...

I'm loving this "alphabet soup" you are conjuring up, VE. I'm reading them all - but life is smacking me right now and I'm not commenting on everything I read. I hope my bloggy friends will put up with my silence for a little while without leaving me altogether. Getting a real (and much needed) kick out of these posts of yours.

Gladys said...

Heaven? Hell? One man's heaven is another mans pickle.

Quirkyloon said...

If this is what you have to say about heaven, can't wait to hear what you have to say about HELL!

hee hee

ryan field said...

Okay. I almost ruined my keyboard with this post.

And I'm kind of curious about your thoughts on hell, too.

ReformingGeek said...

Why is Heaven perceived as "up" but Hell is perceived as "down"?

What has the pickle done for you lately?

nursemyra said...

that pickle has herpes

Janna said...

And, of course, we can't forget the Bryan Adams version...
Unless you really want to.

Brian Miller said...

all hail the mighty pickle...now sacrifice him for the tuna salad!

Uncivil said...

Oh hell????

Megan said...

An afterlife plane of existence? Who wrote that, some D&D guys?

Roy Scribner said...

Paul Nicholas said that heaven was on the 7th floor, "So don't you rescue me!"

Candie Bracci said...

Heaven is not pickle,it's chocolate!

Anonymous is spammer,don't click on the little points!Just saying.

VE said...

anon - A spam in the hand...should be dropped immediately and then washed with soap...

subby - Glad somebody goes and enjoys those...

nessa - I suspected that would come. Not only that kind but huge disparetes between "Sweet" pickles and "Dill" pickles...

tom - Only if you want them to...

mrsupole - I'm sure in Heaven Monk is creating new episodes just for you...

beth - It's coming...It's coming (sorry...just HAD to put that second coming...)

jaime - No, baths not required. We do serve a delicious sandwich to go with your pickle...

perpetual chocoholic - How can I enjoy things if I'm this spirit floaty thing that goes through everything?

subby - Sounds like it might be of Irish descent...

elizabeth - That's rest. Heaven is when you get a night out on your own too...

angelmay - I know how you feel. I'm woefully behind on reading and barely managing the writing right now. I hope to catch up by Jan...

gladys - Ha! Well put...

quirkyloon - I'll have to table that one. I did the hell olympics and I have one scenario coming up but not a full featured post...

ryan - That makes two of you. I'll put it on the "to do" list...

reforminggeek - Excellent religious motto that "what has the pickle done for you?". You can be my marketing god...

nursemyra - That isn't herpes, those are pleasure ridges...

janna - I want to, I want to

brian - Ha! Already plotting a coup, eh?

uncivil - No, no...it's sung "Oh come, all ye pickle..."

megan - Ha! Excellent. Some of the religions read like a D&D game...

roy - Sounds like a lot of walking if the elevator doesn't work...

candie - Thanks for the warning. I assumed it might be so. Yes, chocolate wouldn't take as much convincing. I chose pickle because it's a tougher road...

Candie Bracci said...

Pickle is the road and chocolate is the last stop!;)

Serena said...

Pickles on the stairway to heaven? Nah, I ain't going.;)

Jeff said...

This can't be about Heaven... I didn't see one mention of George Burns here.

Anonymous said...

Hi !.
might , probably very interested to know how one can manage to receive high yields .
There is no need to invest much at first. You may start to get income with as small sum of money as 20-100 dollars.

AimTrust is what you haven`t ever dreamt of such a chance to become rich
The firm incorporates an offshore structure with advanced asset management technologies in production and delivery of pipes for oil and gas.

It is based in Panama with structures everywhere: In USA, Canada, Cyprus.
Do you want to become really rich in short time?
That`s your chance That`s what you really need!

I feel good, I started to get real money with the help of this company,
and I invite you to do the same. It`s all about how to select a correct companion who uses your money in a right way - that`s AimTrust!.
I make 2G daily, and my first deposit was 1 grand only!
It`s easy to start , just click this link http://ivomikuz.jamminweb.com/oweqony.html
and go! Let`s take our chance together to become rich

Kurt said...

I do sort of already worship pickles.

VE said...

candie - Ah...now we have identified the highest plane...

serena - Ha! You realize that means the Olympics in Hell, of course...

jeff - If he's such an expert on Heaven, why did it take him 100 years to get there?

anon - You're wasting cyberspace...

kurt - It's a worthy cause though...

lime said...

well it ain' ta pickle but i recently wrote a fictiious bio where i claimed i spent a year at a himalyan convent contemplating which brussels sprout was the 13th incarnation of the head cabbage.

Maureen said...

The closest I'll ever get to Jesus is when I met Ted Neeley twice.

VE said...

lime - Ha! Brussel sprouts are weird...but they're good for throwing at friends and poor speakers...

maureen - Who's Ted Neeley?

Maureen said...

Gahh.... Jesus Christ Superstar!

VE said...

maureen - I was kidding...but you fell for it. Don't worry...the kids still fall for the finger pointing at something on their shirt...