Sunday, December 20, 2009

M is for MONEY

For the letter M, let’s focus on....

MONEY

I guess I’m hitting the wide open topics lately. Last time it was love and now its money. And of course the two don’t mix (unless you call those numbers on the cards you get from the “snappers” in Vegas…yeah…you know what I’m talking about, don't act so innocent with me).

I’ve noticed that actual money is going the way of the stamp. I hardly ever use it anymore. Oh sure, I spend it like it grows on trees just the same as everyone else but it seems like I use my credit card for everything these days so I can get frequent flyer miles.

Like “The Dude” in The Big Lebowski who writes a check for 69 cents to get some half and half for his White Russians (the drinks, not the hookers or the hackers), I could easily be found buying a Jolly Rancher sucker (grape, of course) for 4 cents and putting it on my VISA. Yeah, I’m that pathetic.

It’s probably better that way though…I avoid a lot of colds and flu without using real money. Money is dirty, people. I hired the CSI team and gave them a dollar to analyze. Let’s watch the scene:

VE: Hey, guys, what have you found on my dollar?

Dr. Langston: You really want to know?

VE: That’s what I paid you that dollar for! Come on, times are tough for forensic crime shows; your novelty is faded the way of the western! Spill the data…

Dr. Langston: We found a nose hair from River Phoenix…

VE: He snorted with this dollar? Maybe I should take it back and sell it on ebay. Is there a booger on it shaped as the image of Elvis or Jesus?

Dr. Langston: No, but there’s crystal meth

VE: Better than crystal gale, I guess. What else?

Dr. Langston: Tide detergent

VE: Of course…the money has been laundered!

Dr. Langston: We find a trace of tire imprints on both ends

VE: Was the one end elevated and were the tire imprints smooth and identical? Did they come from a metallic green Buick Skylark?

Dr. Langston: No, it wasn’t your cousin Vinny…but we did find gun powder on it.

VE: Those terrorists…I’ll bet they’ve been using rolled dollar bills as a secret pistol barrel for airplane hijackings. I’m going to have everyone deposit their money into the big plastic bin at the security line to ensure our safety (and my retirement)…

26 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Wow, I think me and Subby are taking turns here. How great is that? I love it. Oh wait we are on M'. I need some chocolate M&M's.

Mrsupole said...

Can you put another bigger bin at the airport entrance for me. Well since I am a little older than you and my retirement is getting closer and closer, I figure I need a bigger bin.

And a big sign that says, "Help Mrsupole Retire From A Commenting Lifestyle", might help. Okay, I do need help with the sign, any sugestions would be appreciated.

I am on my way to Home Depot to buy that big bin and hopefully the airport security will have some sympathy.....not.......FTA....call my lawyer....I need out of here...NOW....it is freaking dirty in here.....help.....

God bless.

subby said...

LMAO! And unfortunately...I've never been to Vega$. No, really...

Kurt said...

Poor River.

Jeff said...

So if I hear you right, you're saying... Money, it's a gas. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash?

Jaime said...

elves are almost as creepy as clowns.

yeah, it's off topic. but i'm distracted by the pic of the day.

Quirkyloon said...

"Money is filthy, people."

The gospel according to VE.

1st Timothy 3:3 "Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous;"

Thank you for our Sunday Blog School lesson of the day.

Well it is Sunday.

*smile*

Quirkyloon said...

Ooops.. I forgot an integral part of my comment.

Filthy lucre = filthy money.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I'm afraid to find out what you did with that bill before you gave it to them;-)

colbymarshall said...

I've never been to Vegas either. This is a sad, sad truth.

Elizabeth said...

Oh dear, I didn't know crime investigation shows were having such a hard time!
And I've never been to Vegas so I don't know what a snapper is, I'll have to google it.

Gladys said...

Did the green Buick Skylark have positraction? Was it does yutes? Did dey Launder de money? Maybe it was Count De Monet. It's good to be the king.

Sorry I'm like that commercial for bing or whatever where people just start spewing facts.

Megan said...

The chips in Vegas are probably dirtier...

Janna said...

If it was Crystal Gale, the nose hair would have been a LOT longer.

Baino said...

I always thought it odd that people who make sandwiches in sandwich bars have plastic gloves on when preparing a sarny but take your money with the same hand! It's got to be the dirtiest stuff around, goodness knows where it's been. I did actually know someone who was pulled over at the airport by a sniffer dog. Turns out his roll of notes had been literally laundered without being laundered and contained traces of cocaine! (Not his of course)

ReformingGeek said...

I have a little cash in my wallet. Now I want to go wash my hands!

I guess you could use it as TP if you were in a bind. ;-)

VE said...

mrsupole - You didn't beat subby by much...he's as tenacious as you! Yes...we ALL want a clear plastic bin at the airport for money...

subby - I never had really until Thanksgiving...ok I was there once before with a date on an all nighter before a hiking trip but I didn't know about the smackers then. They're these guys that smack their pile of girly cards (glorified hookers you can call) when you come by them on the streets. They're everywhere...

kurt - That was too bad. He was a good actor.

jeff - The great thing about that song is that it is as true now as it was back then!

jaime - You don't even want to know what goes on in their lives...

colby - I can't believe it! Get over there, girl, have some fun! It doesn't have to be seedy; it's what you make of it. I don't even gamble and I didn't even drink while I was there...which made it all the more interesting...

elizabeth - I blew it...I think they are actually called smackers. But refer to my description for subby...

gladys - You're spewing them out like a champ!

megan - Probably...glad I don't gamble...

janna - Ha! Good one...

baino - That would happen to me at the airport...

reforminggeek - Might as well...seems we're always flushing it down the drain over something...

Ronda Laveen said...

If the "letter 'M' graphic" you used was used on paper bills, I don't think everyone would want to touch it. That graphic is hilarious.

Chris Wood said...

Money ... I'm sure I remember that from before I was a teacher ... can't you buy stuff with it?

lime said...

don't forget the ink from some doofus giving georgie boy a moustache.

Jacki said...

Ummm....all I can say is WOW about that picture. It's disturbing.

Serena said...

Kind of makes me feel a little better about having no money. What IS that picture at the top? Scared the hell out of me!

VE said...

ronda - You know me...I couldn't go with the "typical" representations for a letter...

chris - Teachers are paid in love and the fulfillment of educating our young. Ha! I could even write political speeches...

lime - Ha! And the folds from making him look like a mushroom...

jacki - Try not to think about it...

serena - What I said to Jacki...try not to think about it...I have no idea...

Maureen said...

You guys should just move to dollar and two dollar coins like us Canucks...

Uncivil said...

That picture you chose is the most disturbing case of rectal cranial inversion I've ever seen? Is that Obama or Nancy Pelosi?
If it is? Tell them
MMMMMM
Meet My Mule Monday Mornin' MF'r

VE said...

maureen - But they're so heavy when you carry thousands on you...

uncivil - Magnificent...