Tuesday, December 22, 2009

N is for NEWS

For the letter N, let’s focus on....

NEWS

And if you’re going to talk about news in a humor blog then you have to think of The Onion since it is the defacto standard for funny news parody. I agree. The Onion is very good. I just got back from perusing it a moment ago and I thought a lot of their parodies quite funny and clever.

Of course the question is, could VE write for The Onion? Does he have the talent and wit to fit in there? Do Onion writers speak of themselves in third person and get away with it? Well, you tell me. I’ve perused the news at random and did some sample improv pieces for you to consider/enjoy…

Iran Considers Name Change – Leaders in Iran, concerned over their image now that they have nuclear weapons and are starting to be invited to all the cool parties, have been pondering over changing the country's name to Irap. The move would position their country towards the younger rap generation. “Of course, it’s still very important for us to be listed alphabetically before Iraq and fortunately this name provides a win-win scenario for us," said one of their leaders.

American Loses Final Appeal for Socks – In a Brazilian court, Thomas Ninny lost his final appeal to win back his sock collection. The story, going back over five years, concludes a desperate attempt to acquire all of the single socks he’d managed to lose during laundry but were later located in a remote village in Brazil known for it’s love of foot fashion. The local laws don’t recognize his right as their original owner and even the public outcry hasn’t changed the outcome. “There were sentimental tube socks from my first dates in there that I hadn’t been able to hold for years…” said Thomas as he came back from perhaps his final visit with the collection.

A Storm a Brewing – Like the abortionist picketing of old, raging extremists are stalking weather people around the country in an attempt to make them accountable for their sensationalistic approaches to the weather. “We’re tired of them predicting doom and gloom and then when it doesn’t come they pretend like nothing happened,” said one irate citizen. Indeed, traffic has seen a 37% slowdown because of all the weather people positioned throughout the cities to give hands-on accounts of snowflakes and wind. “I could actually drive in the snow if they didn’t have camera people clogging all the roads,” remarked one local. “Make their salary contingent on their accuracy” said another citizen that had a cushy government job, “that might help!”

Tiger Advertising Watch - Another sponsor, Tag Huer, dropped Tiger Woods from their campaign yesterday, keeping analysts busy counting all of Tiger’s endorsement revenue that they don’t have any connection to, didn’t earn and won’t get. Parties in the Tiger camp weren’t concerned because a deal has been struck with a major condom company recently to balance out the revenue stream. “Imagine all the condoms he can sell for us…years of illegitimate entanglements and not a single illegitimate baby out there.” Rumors of a Tiger as the next Vegas spokesperson are coming in too.

24 comments:

Baino said...

I am an Onion fan, they're very tasty in beef stroganoff and nothing smells nicer on the barbie. Season's greetings to you and yours. I didn't get cards out this year and probably won't post until after the fat man comes (oh that didn't sound right) so have a wonderful Christmas and I'll catch you on the flip side.

Baino said...

OMG Sherry is going to be pissed. I didn't mean it honestly! Just a timezone thing.

Mrsupole said...

LOL, I think today was subby's day to be first, so I was ironing hubby's shirts for work. And I hate to iron, except he made me do it or else. I think the 'or else' is that he would make me do the dishes or vacuum, so I freaking ironed instead.

And I too like onions and beef stroganoff. Cheesburgers without onions just do not taste the same. Burritos and tacos, wow onions change the flavor of those too.

Onions sure can change how things are viewed. I love onions.

Roy had better be careful in Vegas if Tiger becomes the spokesperson. Maybe it would be a good idea for Roy to move to another state. And I give "no comment" about those citizens who have cushy government jobs.

Yes VE, you could get a job writing for them, well that is if you "worked". LOL again.

God bless.

lime said...

very onionesque.

as for weather forecasters my theory is they shoudl all be required to have suffered a severe bone break prior to employment. my wrist is a far better predictor of weather than any of their computer models.

Quirkyloon said...

"And Irap, Irap so far away!"

Sorry.

I guess you can take the Quirky out of the 80's, but you can't take the 80's out of the Quirky!

I want a MULLET!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I forgot about that website. Now I have to leave your post unread to go and read that one;-)

subby said...

Bwahahahahahaaaa...ha! "IRAP"~genius VE. Haven't been over to the Onion in some time but you'd do well there, methinks ;)

At Mrsupole~ excuses, excuses~HA! Oh wait...I did have to help Mom this morn'( and do that work thing last night )...I'm covered!

teeni said...

You most certainly could write for The Onion and sometimes I wonder if you secretly do. LOL.

ReformingGeek said...

Oh, yeah. You've got it down, VE!

Tiger and his condoms: works for me.

Kurt said...

Hmmmmmm.

nursemyra said...

"Make their salary contingent with their accuracy"

Pity no one thought of that when the search for weapons of mass destruction was happening

Elizabeth said...

I've been fooled by some Onion articles that were being passed as true!

Elizabeth said...

I've been fooled by some Onion articles that were being passed as true!

Elizabeth said...

Sorry, didn't mean to double post but my husband dropped my daughter on her head right when I was sending so I must have it hit send twice.

Janna said...

Even though I hate onions, I like The Onion.
Subtle snark is a wonderful thing.

VE said...

baino - Took first, did you? Sherry is going to boil YOU in onions...

mrsupole - Ironing? Iron...Iran...good one

lime - That does work for big storms...I should know...I've broken nearly everything at one point or another. Yes, it's not coincidence that VE is in EVEL KNIEVEL...

quirkyloon - Ha! Why did I know you'd go there? Because you're quirky!

perpetual - Oh, thanks!

subby - Do that work thing? Yikes...you said the bad word...

teeni - Hmmmm...

reforminggeek - Literally? The news hasn't broken about you and Tiger! ;)

kurt - Hmmmm, indeed...

nursemyra - Good point. In that case I don't think the intelligence was on par with the job requirements...

elizabeth - Head dropping is a serious disease...ask your doctor if a helmet is right for you...

janna - Some onions are better than others...

Anne said...

I was here today. obviously not first.

Gladys said...

Tiger's illegitimate baby? I'm sure one will surface. Hey maybe he is the father of Michael Jacksons kids.

Maureen said...

Ha! They should do the name change, but make sure it's spelled with a small "i" iRap.

Yeah. That'll make everything better.

Megan said...

"keeping analysts busy counting all of Tiger’s endorsement revenue that they don’t have any connection to, didn’t earn and won’t get"

- that's genius right there. Genius!

Uncivil said...

Yay....I came in 21st comment......is that news?

Jaime said...

what's the difference between santa and tiger woods? santa stopped at 3 hos.

i've been waiting for an opportunity to repeat that joke.

Dale said...

There are never ever enough poo related Christmas items, if you combined those with the denture ice cubes, well, there's a party!

Happy Holidays!

VE said...

anne - You've been here a lot...for many years! I haven't forgotten!

gladys - Don't go there! Don't go there...

maureen - Finally...a hope for peace in the middle east through cool name changes...

megan - I like that somebody appreciates the little quirky things I might throw in...

uncivil - I don't expect republicans to lead... ;)

jaime - Ha! I'm happy to provide your stage...

dale - I agree...be sure to invite the pole dancer for entertainment...