Tuesday, December 08, 2009

VE goes on a World Tour of the Heavens

Ok, last post we took a look at heaven. Sure, there was a lot of confusion. Readers wanted to embrace pickle heaven but were secretly wondering what they’d be missing at the other parties. The time had come, I needed to go out on a world tour of all these “heavens” and see for myself.

The only problem is that you have to get in first. See…every heaven described by every religion has their own rules on who gets invited. I mean, come on, we are talking about THE exclusive club here. Let’s take a look…

Christianity. Those crazy Christians…the reason there are so many sects or denominations is because they can’t agree on how you get into heaven and what happens once you do. It requires further scruitiny..

Catholics. First of all you have the “four last things”. This is a sort of “to do list” which has death, judgment, heaven and hell on it. Yikes…talk about your big to-do’s…those are slightly bigger than “walk the cat” and “vacuum the cheese puffs between the couch cushions” Of course, with the Catholics, God is the guy making the judgment and he’s send Jesus down to make the final judgment (you know, to wipe out the rest of mankind).

Now, all you have to do is have your sin card filled in right. Venial sins are ok but mortal sins must be fixed while still on Earth. In other words…God is your bouncer into the party and you’d better bring your report card! Oh, and you might have to enter purgatory if you have a bunch of sin grades on the report card. That’s a waiting area…probably exactly like an urgent care wait facility. The period of suffering is great, but you will eventually get into the party.

Of course the other Christian religions believe that you’ve got to get by the bouncers in heaven by going with Jesus. He’s the only one on the invite list and if you don’t go with him, well, you’ll be going to hell and believe me, that’s a party where the bouncers are there to keep you in the party. Imagine the worst party experience of your life, expand that a billions times worse, throw in your in-laws and sit down for an Amway presentation. That’s not a party you want to get stuck in…

Jehovah’s Witnesses. The key here is that you need to be on the 144,000 guest list for their heaven. That’s an exclusive club! Now, not all good people go to heaven in their religion. The ones that don’t get on the invite list get to enjoy paradise here on Earth. This is sort of like your family taking off on a free vacation to Bora Bora and trying to convince you that staying behind would be a good thing…

Hinduism. To get into their heavens (yes, they have 6 heavens and 28 hells…what does that tell you about humanity in their religion?) you need a karma card filled in. It’s sort of like those restaurant cards that they stamp each time you eat there and once filled, you get a free discount or meal. Same here. You can’t stay in heaven, you use up Karma time and once all your good karma is gone, you have to go back and refill. Just like your car…

Islam. The great thing about this religion is that because they don’t believe in original sin they have an “all kids get in free” policy. Just like some of those kid-friendly restaurants where the kids get to eat for free. Also, like any good party they have a VIP section called Paradise where the most pious hang out.

Judaism. The early years they said “The only certainty is that each man must die – beyond that we can only guess.” Of course, that’s not the kind of marketing strategy that leaves your members with a warm and fuzzy feeling and so along came the rabbis and they introduced the concept of a soul and afterlife (better). They see the world as a lobby before the World-to-Come. "Prepare yourself in the lobby so that you may enter the banquet hall.” Damn…I hope the food is good…

Ok…VE will find a way into them all with the help of his mischievous gnomes. Look for what each heaven is like in our next world tour post…

30 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Whew FOA!!

Candie Bracci said...

Are you in one of those little crisis?Are you dying?Or did you have too many pickles?LOL

Mrsupole said...

I thought you were going to be playing in the Olympics when you died. Unless of course you got out of that contract somehow. Only you could do that.

And which one of the Christian groups is it that says that all you have to do is to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, and believe this with all of your heart. This is an act of faith.

Too many questions and no one really knows the answers. Taking any leap of faith seems to be the way to go cause there is no way that I would want to be one of the people redoing the Olympics again and again.

God bless.

Nessa said...

Religion has too many rules for me.

Yes, We Have No Bananas

Beth said...

Re: some of those religions - as Groucho Marx once said, “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” That whole exclusivity thing puts me right off.
And there are days I think I’m doing my time in purgatory in the here and now. ;)

subby said...

Hmmmmm...just thinkin' but wouldn't this be more like an "outer or nether world" tour? And I know purgatory all too well( 'cept I call it "limbo", which is not to be confused with the dance, of course )...as long as I can get a bottomless cuppa java :)

subby said...

...and you're spot on with the Amway thing!

subby said...

@Mrsupole, isn't that the Church of Latter Day Saints? I think...

Kurt said...

This comment is to retain my status as the 10th highest commenter.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I don't want to talk about religion, but I'll say I'm enjoying my place as 9th in the blogroll;-)

P.S. Is there a blogroll heaven on your site for those in the top places?

Quirkyloon said...

I'm not used to you getting so deep VE! Religions? Heaven?

To quote Neo of The Matrix, "Whoa."

Roy Scribner said...

Dang, you put a lot more thought into that than I did:
"You mean we can drink? I'm in!"

ReformingGeek said...

Oh, VE! You have simplified religion for me. Thank you.

Tic. Tic.

ryan field said...

Oy. So much to think about.

Elizabeth said...

I'll say a Rosary for you and the gnomes ;)
Oh, also, if there is a blogroll heaven for those in the top places of your site? Then I'M NUMBER ONE!!!

VE said...

mrsupole - Finally. I thought you were slipping there...

candie - We're all dying...and luckily I'm not taking cuts in line...

mrsupole - I'm not arguing that spirituality is an act of faith. I understand that part. It's all the rules and specific explanations that bother me. Oh, and yes, I got out of that Olympics contract...I had somebody elses blood when I signed...

nessa - Here, here. Plus, if some of those obnoxious evangelists are going to be there...do you really want to hang out with them for eternity?

beth - Ha! So true. I guess your karma card is being filled full right now...

subby - Yeah, you're right, it's a bit more than a "world tour" isn't it?

kurt - I wondered if you'd retain your hard earned status...

perpetual chocoholic - Well the top 10 is certainly and exclusive club, isn't it? With nearly 300 bloggers on my blog roll, there's a lot of competition to get there...

quirkyloon - I know...you thought H was going to be for "Hot Dog" or some other deep subject. Don't worry...I'll still be doing silly subjects like "Hot Dog" and you'll be crying for puppies and rainbows soon enough...

roy - You'll need to sign up with the religion that grants all your wishes instantaneously!

reforminggeek - I wonder if they have Spirituality and Religion for Dummies?

ryan - I say the same thing...and then I get distracted and go do what I want...

elizabeth - You are! Be careful though...Janna might rename her blog "Aardvarks at Jannaverse" and slip into that spot...

Gladys said...

When I die I want to go to Doggie Heaven or at least come back in my next life as a dog.

Baino said...

I'd be more worried about running into old boyfriends and my husband all at the same time! How embarrassing.

Alan Burnett said...

I found this very useful indeed. I was thinking of changing my ways but I have decided that there is little agreement about the admission criteria for heaven whereas I have always been drawn to the idea of purgatory.

Ronda Laveen said...

I'm kinda that party crasher heaven goer myself. All those people that tell me I can't get there because of this or that...well, aren't they going to be surprised when I'm standing there with them. Yep!

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Megan said...

What's funny about 500 bucks????

lime said...

my time at work has to count as some sort of purgatory

Janna said...

I'm keeping my mouth shut about the heaven thing... especially since one of the religions you mentioned is MINE.

Instead, I'll say that the picture of the chick filling up her gas tank made me shiver. It reminded me that I filled my gas tank today, and just about died in the bitter cold. I swear, it's WINTER here in Michigan. And in my old age, I am rapidly becoming a wuss. These sub-zero wind chills just aren't fun anymore...

Oh, BTW... I did Friday 55 today.
Right here.

Maureen said...

Thank God I'm not religious.

Uncivil said...

Like I always say to the Jehovah's Witness's at the front door......"If you don't push your religion on me I won't push you down the front steps"??????

VE said...

gladys - Remember though...it's a dog eat dog world...

baino - Yes...and they'd all talk about you like you weren't there and compare notes and such. Sounds like hell!

alan - Nothing like a good sin cleansing...

ronda - I'm sure I'll have to sneak in the back door too...

megan - That anyone still has it!

lime - I think so...and you volunteered to work, too!

janna - Wow, I didn't know you were Islamic! ;)

maureen - God is thanking you for that...he's got enough people bothering him...

uncivil - Ha! Wouldn't it just be more fun to sick the dogs on them?

Janna said...

"janna - Wow, I didn't know you were Islamic! ;)"

I'm not, but thank goodness you didn't say that during the previous administration or my phone would STILL be tapped.

George: What's she saying now?

FBI Eavesdropper: Something about how she drank too much Diet Coke even though it tastes like a chemical swamp and now she has to pee.

George: Hmmm. Must be code. Go ahead and send her to Guantanemo anyway.

Jaime said...

i fully embrace the pickle heaven. especially if it comes with good corned beef on rye...

VE said...

janna - Don't worry...they're taking those detainees to regular prisons now so you have hope of escaping some day...

jaime - I'm sure it does...