Wednesday, December 09, 2009

VE is still on his World Tour of the Heavens

Ok, last time we were talking about how to get into heaven under all these crazy religions we have. Let’s assume you bribed Jesus with a cool pair of sandals or swiped a filled Karma card and actually made it passed the bouncers. Let’s check out the digs…

Bahai Faith. Ok, there’s a whole bunch of weird things you have to do to spell this faith properly. I’ve already gone to hell for not adhering to that. Their heaven is a hierarchy. The good part of that is that if you’re down in the lower rent district they’ve spared you the envy by not making you aware there is anything better. But they trick you into thinking there “might” be and that you can improve yourself to get into a better heaven neighborhood.

Buddhism. Bummer here…apparently heaven isn’t an eternal stay. You pay karma rent to stay there and once used up you do a rebirth into something else (animal, human, something weird we don’t know about) unless you go to Nirvana after achieving enlightenment. This is like your own life version of “advance your token to Go, collect eternity”

Early Christianity. They had three layers. Sort of like that new Trident gum they’re advertising out there right now where everyone wants to get paid in layers of gum. Anyway, there was “heaven”, the “paradise” and “the city.” It must be set up like those theme parks in Florida…

Hinduism. They differ on where heaven is. It’s sort of like having to decide whether to go to Disney or Universal when you’re in Orlando. They have Vishnu and Shiva as their ultimate heaven cities. They are ruled by one God with a sort of trio-split personality. One creates new realities, one preserves them and one destroys them. Think of it as the religious version of Rock,Paper,Scissors.

Above the earthly plane are 6 heavenly planes. Below the earthly plane are 7 nether planes. Below those are 28 planes and below that is the ocean of devastation. Probably not a good idea to fish there…

Islam. This is the best. I’m going to quote straight from Wikipedia (because we all know that is the source of knowledge for the lazy):

“The Islamic texts describe life for its immortal inhabitants, one that is happy — without hurt, sorrow, fear or shame — where every wish is fulfilled. Their life includes: wearing costly robes, bracelets, perfumes; partaking in exquisite banquets, served in priceless vessels by immortal youths; reclining on couches inlaid with gold or precious stones. Other foods mentioned include fruits, milk, poultry, scented wine and clear drinks bringing neither drunkenness nor rousing quarreling. Inhabitants will rejoice in the company of their parents, wives, and children (provided they were admitted to paradise) — conversing and recalling the past. Texts also relate "pure consorts" (houris), created in perfection, with whom carnal joys are shared — "a hundred times greater than earthly pleasure". A key feature of life in Heaven, according to Islam, is that no desire would go unfulfilled, nor would it take time for them to be fulfilled. Everything would be granted instantaneously.”

Isn’t that great? Every wish fulfilled instantaneously! What if I wish to never have a wish fulfilled? I don’t know about this concept of heaven though. I’ve seen kids get everything they want and they get bored and spoiled. Imagine how quickly that would happen? As for the rest of the description…what’s the point of alcohol if it doesn’t bring drunkenness or rousing quarreling?

Seventh Day Adventist. Ok, heaven is actually Earth…but only when the millennium is over and God moves in and does a complete renovation removing suffering and sin. I’m glad he does because that brings the property values down wherever you find suffering and sin.

Chinese Faiths – Heaven is a natural thing that mankind influences. Piss it off and heaven pushes back! Be nice to it and it’s nice to you. The religion is very confusing; perhaps that is where Confucius got his name!

Yes, there are so many others too but who has time for eternity…let’s get back to our alphabet coverage. God knows what I’ll come up with for “I”…

29 comments:

Anne said...

first!

VE said...

anne - It's getting hard to be first these days...

Kurt said...

Door Number Three, indeed.

First comment with content!

Roy Scribner said...

Even in heaven, I'm pretty sure I'd be a clumsy oaf if I had four arms.

Candie Bracci said...

LOL,you crack me up.To me heaven will be a place where I have lived great memories surrounded with family and friends and love nothing more.Perhaps everyone has their own heaven.I think it's all about love.I'm not religious and I don't follow rules.I just do what I feel right in the moment and that's all.I have an hard time with all those people who use God to make money,war ect..and I have an hard time with the Vatican,don't see the point of it!What are you doing?You're trying to find yourself a religion?

Elizabeth said...

Oooh, I want to try that new gum!

Quirkyloon said...

Wow I was almost ready to convert to Islam, but there was no mention of a never ending supply of Diet Dr Pepper.

I'll have rethink this whole angle.

Hmm.

Mrsupole said...

@Anne,
It is fun to be first and I would know. Congrats to you and congrats to me for finally falling asleep earlier than normal. I am hoping that the pain from this surgery is finally lessening enough so that I will be able to stop being first here all the time. But yes it is lots of fun to be first.

VE,
I am so glad that you finally got out of that Olympic Hell and are now on your way to thinking about someday being in Heaven, but dang it, you have me so confused now as to which Heaven I want to be in, but I think that I like Candie's Heaven the best. A place filled with love seems to be about the best Heaven that there is and I too keep wondering what the heck the Vatican is for. Should they not sell all their jewels on their robes and all their land to redistribute their wealth to feed and clothe the hungry and those who have nothing.

Seems to me that would be something good to come out of all this new train of thought going around the world. And then if Tiger gave up his billion to his wife, she would be fed and have clothes for many years. Heck all those Rich, Snotty a*s movie stars and politicans who keep trying to tell us to give all of what we have away, should be giving away all their rich snotty a*s sh*t to feed and clothe those who have no food or clothes, and think of how many people could live inside of their mansions and not on the street. And how many rooms in the WH should no be rented out to the poor freezing homeless in DC. I mean I am sick of hearing all their talk and then no action. I also wonder how many of them actually make it to heaven and then get sh*tty cause they couldn't take their snotty a*s stuff with them.

Yup, I think the Dali Lama is the one to follow....does this mean I have to give up my computer though. Okay, I give up, I guess I will just have to keep my poor crappy stuff too, well just a little longer anyway. Not that I get to keep much with all these future tax increases coming up for votes pretty soon. Uh, where exactly is the Dali Lama living? I might need to get there sooner than I thought.

Okay, going back to bed now. One sheep, two sheep, three and four sheep........Oh Hell, nothing makes any sense.....five, six sheep....

God bless.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Maybe that Chinese character just has big shoulder pads, not extra arms. Or maybe he swallowed a bone. Or maybe someone is sitting on his head, or maybe that's what humans will eventually evolve into before the end of the world, or maybe.....

Gladys said...

That's what I've been doing wrong...I've been fishing in the sea of dispare instead of the sea of tranquility. What type of bait do I need?

Suldog said...

Heaven is that first piss in the morning. Hell is when your wife is already in the bathroom, with the door locked and taking a shower, when you wake up and need to take it. Purgatory is when you can't hold it any longer so you pee in an old juice container and then pour it down the sink and forget that your wife is taking a shower so you run the water after it and she screams because you just inadvertently scalded her (which is her own purgatory, come to think of it, so you did her a favor by releasing her sins, so you get to go to heaven!)

Maybe.

ReformingGeek said...

I'm pretty sure Heaven is really the alien ships. Afterall, they are "up" and can look like clouds. The aliens are the Angels. They store our spirits and then recycle them based on how we lived our lives on earth (cockroach, cow, human, etc.)

Yep. I just made that all up. I hope you could tell.

;-)

Baino said...

Islamic heaven sounds nice. No wonder so many are so 'eager' to get there.

Tom said...

do we really get to choose? Mark Twain's description of a Christian heaven is that it is just like going to church--sitting around and singing hymns for all eternity, and that most folks dread doing it once a week, why would they choose to for eternity? No wonder he was an athiest.

from what i understand, heaven is pretty hard to qualify for...hopefully one day i can get all my ducks in row.

Megan said...

I'd rather just live a long time and do everything down here.

Janna said...

The strawberry-orange gum looks good.

Not sure about the apple-pineapple.

Blueberry-Lemon might be a nice addition.

Yes... I'm rambling. It's cold here in Michigan and I can't feel my fingertips, yet the click-click-click sound assures me that I'm probably still typing....

VE said...

kurt - Yes...but that is your generic format ;)

roy - But you could hold that more beer

candie - No, actually I just found it amusing when I started with the whole H is for Heaven

elizabeth - So does everyone

quirkyloon - The wifey-poo drinks the very same...

mrsupole - You might have the record on post length! The Dali Lama? Ok...as long as he doesn't spit like other lamas

perpetual chocoholic - Those are all valid nonsensical answers...I like them!

glady - Bait in heaven? Probably celebrities...

suldog - Ha! I like the analogy. The gnomes give you two thumbs up!

reforminggeek - Ha! And I like your made up...

baino - The sooner the better for every wish!

tom - You can choose...it's ok

megan - Sounds like a lot of work

janna - Cold? Michigan gets cold?

Mrsupole said...

Whoops, sorry that was an after the Amb*en comment. But at least I did get to sleep before 3am. Hopefully I will soon stop being a vamp.

God bless.

PS...loved the Suldog comment and RG's, but now that I have read Tom's I am not sure I even want to go to Heaven anymore. Just kidding, I definitely do not want to do those Olympics forever, but then again I cannot sing a note....

lime said...

i was told yesterday i must have been a serial killer in a past life becasue of all the bad karma i seem to be paying off lately. good news is i seem to be paying it back with hugh interest so maybe next time around i get a break.

also, LMAO @ suldog.

Dee said...

you don't have your religion, Wicken

VE said...

mrsupole - No, it's fine with me. Keep 'em coming...

lime - I've killed off many a box of Cocoa Puffs...yes...I'm a cereal killer too...

dee - I'd be in that religion but I'm opposed to using a broom for anything...I'm lazy that way...

Nessa said...

How about you describe the perfect heaven from your extensive knowledge of what it should be.

Car Goes Boom

VE said...

nessa - I have extensive knowledge...I just can't remember what knowledge I have...

Maureen said...

All those rules just makes me even more proud to be an atheist.

nursemyra said...

thank god i'm an atheist

Uncivil said...

I'll settle for agnostic!

VE said...

maureen - Careful...God's gonna give you a wedgie when you're not looking

nursemyra - What I said to Maureen...

uncivil - Careful...God might make you a democrat in your next life...

Jaime said...

all this talk about heaven... right about now, i'll settle for a nap

VE said...

jaime - Perhaps that IS heaven...