Friday, January 29, 2010

In the News...this just in

This Just In…

NBC has brought Johnny Carson back from the dead and asked him to replace Jay Leno who was asked to replace Conan O’Brien who was asked to replace Jay Leno who was asked to replace Johnny Carson.

In a secret ceremony, Richard Hatch (the first Survivor winner who was convicted of not paying any taxes on his winnings) gave Nicolas Cage his inductee ceremony in the Loyal Order of Cheaters Under Special Treatment (LOCUST) last week. Cage has apparently ignored managing his own money other than to say “Buy that…” over the years and claims his manager was mean to him and now he owes the government money. Other celebrity members include Hatch and Wesley Snipes who couldn’t be reached in jail for comment.

In an effort to appease the angry jobless little people of the country, the big banks have adopted a plan to not give out bonuses next year. Instead, they’ll be giving out admission tickets to their new “warehouse of cash” theme event. Former bonus recipients will get five minutes to walk through their new warehouse that they’ve stuffed to the ceiling with hundred dollar bills. “They only have five minutes to stuff as much greed money as they can before exiting. After that, they have to live with their effort and it will reflect their hard work at holding out on new business investment again for another year.”

Kayne West has been invited to interrupt the Oscar ceremonies in March to expound yet again on Beyonce’s music video greatness.

Aid workers in Haiti are fast at work sawing the island away from the Dominican Republic and transporting it for relocation near Southern California. “These people are going to be living in tent cities for years to come and we wanted to get them closer to the tent manufacture companies like North Face and Patagonia,” claims one aid worker on the ground (tanning) in Haiti. “This is the perfect opportunity for tent marketing and long term field testing,” claimed one tent executive as he returned from his surfing break.

James Cameron’s Avatar revenue has now surpassed the previous highest grossing film ever (Titanic) and its numbers keep going up. Next up it should surpass the amount spent by the government on economic bailout. “If it doesn’t slow down, it’s estimated to overtake the Federal Deficit number by late March,” said one greedy insider who didn’t have a real name.

45 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Yea, Johnny on the first spot.

Mrsupole said...

This news just in Greedy is as Greedy does.................

Government
Repeatedly
Extends
Expensive
Deals
Yearly
by taxing the crap out of the average citizen to pay for the Royal Government Family.

The Royal Government Family consists of Royal Presidential Family, Royal Senators and Royal Congress, along with their staff and lobbyists. To include Palacial government workers working throughout the country.

The Peasants of the country will continue to work their asses off to fill the coffers at Fort Knox, of which will be used to buy and maintain the White Palace and smaller palaces, private jets for travel, Camps guarded by the Royal guard for vacations, Private Chefs, 20 ladies in waiting for the Royal Mrs to help with her social agenda.

The Royal Senators and the Royal Congress will decide daily if they need to take more of your hard earned income to pay for their frivolous projects and their corrupt bribes. Be prepared because they never seem to have enough and until they suck each peasant dry will this end.

Will the peasants wake up and revolt? Will they have the will power or energy to carry the revolt out? Probably not, the brain washing carried out by the Royal President continues every day. Only when the blinders are actually removed will there be hope for the peasants to save their land and way of life.

News story tomorrow....Crushing of the Peasants by the Royals.....Roman Times....Read it.....

God bless.

Moooooog35 said...

..and George W. Bush has been called back in to replace Obama because, seriously...what's the difference at this point?

Baino said...

Mrs Supole never sleeps and neither will I if my dog keeps farting the way she is ...LAY OFF THE BLUE MAN ..and James Cameron for President ..now there's a man who knows how to raise revenue

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

James Cameron can't be President. He was born in Ontario Canada. Sorry!

Quirkyloon said...

I want some of that greed money!

Is that wrong?

Brian o vretanos said...

Since film profits come almost exclusively from popcorn sales, all that money is actually going to the popcorn barons, whose profit margin is higher than cocaine and kalashnikovs. And it doesn't taste much better either...

Elizabeth said...

See, this is why I don't watch the news!

Alan Smithee said...

Beyonce's video was pretty good.

VE said...

mrsupole - Ha! I wish I had 20 ladies in waiting...

moooooog35 - You're right...we could probably resurect Abraham Lincoln from the dead and it wouldn't make any difference...

baino - Blue man? Is he currently playing music in Vegas?

perpetual chocoholic - Damn...you mean all that money is going to Canada? Perhaps he's saving to purchase warmer weather there...

quirkyloon - Ok, but you're already in line behind me...

brian - Ha! So...it's popcorn barons that are to blame for my lot in life! I suspected it had something to do with corn. I never did trust high-fructose corn syrup even though they claim it's "all natural"...

elizabeth - I try not to either but some of it is clearly fantastical nonsense...

VE said...

alan - Good enough to interupt another person's acceptance speech? Good enough to interrupt the Oscars? Good enough to interrupt the President's address? Good enough to foster world peace?

Roy Scribner said...

Steve, how can I be a millionaire and never pay taxes?

First...get a million dollars.

Now you say, "Steve, what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, 'You have never paid taxes'?"

Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language:

"I forgot!"

-- Steve Martin, SNL September 24, 1977

The Incredible Woody said...

I'd like to visit the warehouse of cash. I wouldn't even be greedy - I'd only need 2 minutes. Max.

Megan said...

So if I don't see Avatar, I'm hurting the economy?

Jaime said...

ha! a dead johnny is better than what they have going on late night tv right now!

carlae said...

Why doesn't the US government hire James Cameron to make movies for them and then the profits can go toward the nations debt? A fine plan, I'd say.

carlae said...

Why doesn't the US government hire James Cameron to make movies for them and then the profits can go toward the nations debt? A fine plan, I'd say.

padraig said...

Undead Johnny Carson would still be three times as hilarious as either Jay or Conan.

Even if he were the stupid type of undead like a zombie, instead of the smart type of undead like a vampire.

Of course, if you bring Johnny back, you gotta bring back Ed, too...

JenJen said...

For me? I don't watch the news. It's not a "I'm too good for it" sorta thing, it's rather depressing and well, as they say, ignorance is bliss.

subby said...

Hmmmmmm....any plans to bring Ed back to co-host with Johnny? Just asking....

"LOCUST"~~HA!

ReformingGeek said...

Wow! Those are great scoops.

I heard there were more jobs available......somewhere.

CatLadyLarew said...

I could use a trip to the "warehouse of cash".

Uncivil said...

Yeah, what Mrsupole said!!!!!LOL
Good one Mrsupole.......oh and you too VE!!!!LOL

Tom said...

oy, i've been living under a rock or something...when did all this happen!?

otin said...

You just solved the economy problem!!! The government should finance blockbuster movies!!!

Gladys said...

Maybe we should have elected James Cameron for president. Hey he couldn't do much worse and we would have a 3-d government.

Janna said...

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but back in college (in the 90's) I had a huge obsession with Conan O'Brien. Head over heels slap-me-silly-and-call-me-Lucy kind of obsession.

Then one day I learned he had found a girlfriend. (And it wasn't me!)
(!!)

It broke my heart and I never forgave him.

When I discovered he'd gotten married, I stopped being a fan, and stopped watching his show altogether.

In retrospect, I dunno what I expected; it's not like he was going to fly out here and marry his freakazoid "Number One Fan" or anything.
Silly, silly me. :)

You'll all be glad to know I'm 40 now, and have developed a more appropriate pessimistic bitter cynicism toward the planet in general. (Except cats. I like cats.)

Just think what I'll be like when menopause hits.

Annie Ha said...

Warehouse of cash event sounds like my kind of event.
Long term field testing. I like it.

Collette said...

Well at least Kanye didn't try to say that HE had the greatest album in the whole world!

MJ said...

OMG. I almost wet myself! Seriously good post VE.

Uncivil said...

I just talked to Omar the tentmaker and he said he could make tents for the Haitians with a few adjustments to Rosie O'donnells wardrobe and might even be able to house a few with Dolly Partons bra?

C said...

HA! Great post, VE!
Profuse apologies for being such a delinquent blogger. I'll be popping by more often (hopefully) soon!

Maureen said...

Yep, zombie Johnny and zombie Ed. Their first guest, of course, would be zombie John Belushi.

Chris C said...

If they can bring back a dead Dick Clark every year, then they can bring back Johnny.

Wait, what? Dick Clark is still alive?

tattytiara said...

I'd stay up late to watch a dessicated corpse do a monologue.

Quickroute said...

At least Avatar doesn't have an annoying Celine Dion soundtrack to torture us with forever

Beth said...

You are so bad - but oh, so good. ;)

Jeff said...

What the?... did you really publish this at 4 a.m.?! That explains a lot actually.

VE said...

Roy – I love that routine…I should have used that more when I was at work…

Incredible woody – Wouldn’t we all like to go in there. Heck…I’d even take 2 seconds (and a power vacuum)…

Megan – You should feel ashamed!

Jaime – They probably wouldn’t let him go from the other side…he’s probably selling out every night…

Carlae – I think it’s a wise plan…which is why they’d never go for it…

Padraig – That’s true…Ed could no longer be dead!

Jenjen – You know, I just got these from the internet one-liners. The news is too depressing…I agree

Subby – Absolutely…you can’t have one without the other…

Reforminggeek – Now that’s unbelievable…you have to draw a line to believability somewhere…

Catladylarew – I hear there’s a long waiting list of greedy rich people in line first…

Uncivil – You know, we have to bitch about something so if the government started doing things right we’d be lost!

Tom – How’s the rent living under a rock? I should have looked into that kind of housing…ignorance is bliss…

Otin – It would work…but they’d never approve it just because

Gladys – Naturally he’s a foreigner and can’t be…

Janna – YOU were the one Conan told me about… ;)

Annie ha – Everyone wants to visit the warehouse of cash. I tell you, you open up one of those and people will come…

Collette – True…but come on, how could he!

Mj – Thanks. Sometimes I get inspired…

Uncivil – They probably have enough clothes to cover Haiti…

C – There you are! I hope that little one is doing good…

Maureen – That would make a perfect re-opening!

Chris c – Ha! Good one…

Tattytiara – It would be impressive!

Quickroute – That’s probably why it broke all the records!

Beth – There are you! I thought perhaps you’d gotten locked in your cabin or something…

Jeff – No…I just pre-schedule these things and use that time because I’m three hours behind the East Coast. Or not…

lime said...

this just in....more money spent on avatar tickets than on haiti aid.

VE said...

lime - I guess Haiti isn't quite as entertaining...

The Silver Fox said...

*sigh* I wish the part about Johnny Carson was possible...

VE said...

silver fox - So does the world...

Nanc Twop said...

Loved it. And that Raul Julia quote? So true - they're behind ya for a reason!

But that poll of yours, after picking the solar jet shoes... does that mean I can only fly in the daytime? Kinda like a reverse vampire?

Oh well, I still want the shoes.

;-)

Monkey Man said...

Still haven't seen Titanic or Avatar and am better for it.