This Just In…
NBC has brought Johnny Carson back from the dead and asked him to replace Jay Leno who was asked to replace Conan O’Brien who was asked to replace Jay Leno who was asked to replace Johnny Carson.
In a secret ceremony, Richard Hatch (the first Survivor winner who was convicted of not paying any taxes on his winnings) gave Nicolas Cage his inductee ceremony in the Loyal Order of Cheaters Under Special Treatment (LOCUST) last week. Cage has apparently ignored managing his own money other than to say “Buy that…” over the years and claims his manager was mean to him and now he owes the government money. Other celebrity members include Hatch and Wesley Snipes who couldn’t be reached in jail for comment.
In an effort to appease the angry jobless little people of the country, the big banks have adopted a plan to not give out bonuses next year. Instead, they’ll be giving out admission tickets to their new “warehouse of cash” theme event. Former bonus recipients will get five minutes to walk through their new warehouse that they’ve stuffed to the ceiling with hundred dollar bills. “They only have five minutes to stuff as much greed money as they can before exiting. After that, they have to live with their effort and it will reflect their hard work at holding out on new business investment again for another year.”
Kayne West has been invited to interrupt the Oscar ceremonies in March to expound yet again on Beyonce’s music video greatness.
Aid workers in Haiti are fast at work sawing the island away from the Dominican Republic and transporting it for relocation near Southern California. “These people are going to be living in tent cities for years to come and we wanted to get them closer to the tent manufacture companies like North Face and Patagonia,” claims one aid worker on the ground (tanning) in Haiti. “This is the perfect opportunity for tent marketing and long term field testing,” claimed one tent executive as he returned from his surfing break.
James Cameron’s Avatar revenue has now surpassed the previous highest grossing film ever (Titanic) and its numbers keep going up. Next up it should surpass the amount spent by the government on economic bailout. “If it doesn’t slow down, it’s estimated to overtake the Federal Deficit number by late March,” said one greedy insider who didn’t have a real name.
Friday, January 29, 2010
This Just In…
Thunk up by Ed at 4:00 AM