S is for SURFACE

For the letter S, let’s focus on....

SURFACE

You know why? Because it is also Theme Thursday and thanks to their generosity in synching my alphabet to their week’s theme, I’m again able to kill two birds with one stone. Of course, I was never very accurate throwing stones so it’s more likely to be two windows. Besides, I don’t want PETA or the Audubon Society breathing down my neck. It’s not like people are hunting birds with stones anymore. Jeez, they really need to upgrade all of these sayings. But I digress…

Remember that big Tiger Woods story that finally surfaced last year? Yeah, it was out there. It had been out there for awhile but it just hadn’t surfaced yet. Sort of makes you wonder what big things will surface this year, doesn’t it? (just nod your head yes to appease the gnomes)

Well, I sent the gnomes out on the road to see what they could dig up…

First up they found out the REAL reason why Paula Abduhl left American Idol. This is a story that will surface in the next one-to-thousand years. Apparently Paula is a hoarder.

That’s right, according to my head paparazzi gnome who sat out in the bushes of her house peeping for weeks to catch an open curtain, he figured out there weren’t any curtains on the house. It was filled with crap! To make matters worse, she started bringing it on the set to American Idol. The network execs finally said, “Enough!”

Should the story surface, they’ve got a preliminary pilot of “American Hoarder” ready to go. It’s a spinoff of American Idol that goes in the other direction…one of shame and embarrassment.

Next up we have a big religious expose that is also ready to surface. Apparently Amy Winehouse is actually an elite nun acting undercover on behalf of the Catholic Church. The elite and never-before-discovered “Nun Left Behind” undercover nun organization has been doing operations for years. Starting with Mother Theresa as she smuggled anti-other-religion pamphlets through third world countries under the guise of helping the poor and suffering, Amy’s role is just another ingenious sleuth exercise.

Posing as a drug abusing singer, Amy’s mission was to convert as many rock and roll musicians to Christian music, gospel music or country music in an effort to put a dent into the sex and drugs portion of the rock and roll lifestyle. “Amy is just the latest in a long line of undercover nuns in the rock and roll area. Earlier agents have successfully transformed James Brown and Al Green into gospel,” claims one high appointed official. “You should have heard the Devil-worshiping songs the Osmond’s were ready to put out before we stepped in,” he continues, “there were so many we converted. We’ve lost a few agents in the process (Karen Carpenter, Janis Joplin) but some of these assignments are dangerous.”

Other claims from the organization were converting Lawrence Welk away from a grunge rock career and steering Conway Twitty over to country music just before he stormed into the psychedelic rock scene.

Seems there are many outrageous stories just waiting to surface…