Thursday, January 14, 2010

S is for SURFACE


For the letter S, let’s focus on....

SURFACE

You know why? Because it is also Theme Thursday and thanks to their generosity in synching my alphabet to their week’s theme, I’m again able to kill two birds with one stone. Of course, I was never very accurate throwing stones so it’s more likely to be two windows. Besides, I don’t want PETA or the Audubon Society breathing down my neck. It’s not like people are hunting birds with stones anymore. Jeez, they really need to upgrade all of these sayings. But I digress…

Remember that big Tiger Woods story that finally surfaced last year? Yeah, it was out there. It had been out there for awhile but it just hadn’t surfaced yet. Sort of makes you wonder what big things will surface this year, doesn’t it? (just nod your head yes to appease the gnomes)

Well, I sent the gnomes out on the road to see what they could dig up…

First up they found out the REAL reason why Paula Abduhl left American Idol. This is a story that will surface in the next one-to-thousand years. Apparently Paula is a hoarder.

That’s right, according to my head paparazzi gnome who sat out in the bushes of her house peeping for weeks to catch an open curtain, he figured out there weren’t any curtains on the house. It was filled with crap! To make matters worse, she started bringing it on the set to American Idol. The network execs finally said, “Enough!”

Should the story surface, they’ve got a preliminary pilot of “American Hoarder” ready to go. It’s a spinoff of American Idol that goes in the other direction…one of shame and embarrassment.

Next up we have a big religious expose that is also ready to surface. Apparently Amy Winehouse is actually an elite nun acting undercover on behalf of the Catholic Church. The elite and never-before-discovered “Nun Left Behind” undercover nun organization has been doing operations for years. Starting with Mother Theresa as she smuggled anti-other-religion pamphlets through third world countries under the guise of helping the poor and suffering, Amy’s role is just another ingenious sleuth exercise.

Posing as a drug abusing singer, Amy’s mission was to convert as many rock and roll musicians to Christian music, gospel music or country music in an effort to put a dent into the sex and drugs portion of the rock and roll lifestyle. “Amy is just the latest in a long line of undercover nuns in the rock and roll area. Earlier agents have successfully transformed James Brown and Al Green into gospel,” claims one high appointed official. “You should have heard the Devil-worshiping songs the Osmond’s were ready to put out before we stepped in,” he continues, “there were so many we converted. We’ve lost a few agents in the process (Karen Carpenter, Janis Joplin) but some of these assignments are dangerous.”

Other claims from the organization were converting Lawrence Welk away from a grunge rock career and steering Conway Twitty over to country music just before he stormed into the psychedelic rock scene.

Seems there are many outrageous stories just waiting to surface…

61 comments:

Chris C said...

Whew! I'm pretty drunk right now and I thought Amy Winehouse was among the piles of stuff Paula Abdul horded.

Glad to see I was wrong.

Oh snap...first!

Mrsupole said...

Okay, stop taking pictures of my storage room in my house. On the surface it looks like I am not a hoarder, but underneath I am...FOA

God bless.

Mrsupole said...

Dang, just one minute late, and I should of just not typed anything, there I go again. Great job Chris C, but hoarding is okay.....well maybe I better start getting oganized and do my own TT post. I think I am gonna be late...

God Bless again.

Mrsupole said...

Okay, I should not have done it. I shouldn't have enlarged the Amy Winehouse pic, now I am gonna have to join Chris and get drunk too. Now my post is really gonna be late.

And I still say there is nothing wrong with "crap", one can never have too much crap, okay gonna go organzie more crap. Well after I go drink every bottle of Wine in the House.

God bless.

Ronda Laveen said...

God Bless Amy, she needs it!

subby said...

LMFAO!!! Lawrence Welk and conway Twitty as hard-core rockers (still grinning )...hee, heeee, har....sorry VE but you sure did covera lot of "surface" with this one, heh, heh...

subby said...

And who knew Paula A. had that "collector's" disease?!? Oh that's right..the gnomes knew, heh, heh...

Tom said...

Oy! I hope Mr. Peanut doesn't end up on this list.

Brian Miller said...

wow, its amazing what you can sicover beneath the surface if you just read while you are in line a the grocery...lol.

Kate said...

Ha ha its amazing what you can learn from reading blogs. Thanks for making me smile.

Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com

nonamedufus said...

That Amy's hot! A hot mess, man.

willow said...

I know some hoarders. It's not a pretty site. Thanks for the theme, btw!

The Incredible Woody said...

I saw Conway Twitty in the airport once. His hair looked like it was a plastic helmet!

Quirkyloon said...

Now I know you're an "in the closet" American Idol lover. Don't you miss the seal slap?

Come on!

Confess.

You know you do!

Ha!

Roy Scribner said...

LOL @ "Nun Left Behind" - I might have to use that (with full credit, of course...).

I think humor blogs will surface in 2010 as the next big thing. Or not.

carlae said...

An a more grim note, I heard that the surface of Hati was covered with huge amounts of debris. Talk about your surface...

Maureen said...

Holy crap; that's Amy? Gad... I doubt I shall ever get that image out of my head.

Elizabeth said...

Are you sure Amy Winehouse isn't trying to convert them to Scientology? Isn't that what all the famous people become??

JennyMac said...

Amy Winehouse...what we in the South call a HOT MESS. Except she is not remotely hot. Uh oh...must find new colloquialism.

Jill said...

Clever little gnomes...who woulda thought ole Paula!!!? And in regard to poor Amy...I got nothin'!

I just watched HOARDERS on A & E for the first time....GAH!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Such an attractive woman. I've I've heard on the radio, who would have thought a year ago that Michael Jackson would come back so spectacularly and that Tiger Woods would plunge so deeply.

Mama Zen said...

Nun Left Behind . . . I knew it!

Wings said...

Okay, I could go with ya on Paula being a hoarder. But you lost me when you said Winehouse was a nun. Hah!

Stephanie said...

hahahahah

Skip Simpson said...

I was enjoying your post until I came to the Amy Winehouse (perfectly fitting name, by the way). Thank gawd I wasn't drinking my coffee, as that picture called for a classic "spit take." LOL! Great job!

JeffScape said...

Hahahahah! I've worked with Paula, and I'm not so sure that this isn't close to the truth!

JenJen said...

First, JeffScape
If you are not sure something is not close to the truth...does that mean you are sure it is?
I'm so kerfuffled.

Anyhoozle (2 made up words this round you lucky ducks), Amy Whorehouse is disgusting.

Baino said...

Haha . .oh McCain you've done it again! I'm a 'surfaces' person. I don't much care what my cupboards look like but I cannot stand surface spreadage!

Bunk Strutts said...

Re: Karen Carpenter
Bulimia makes me puke.

ReformingGeek said...

I think the gnomes need an update to their meds. Amy isn't Catholic, she's a Jehovah's Witness.

As for Paula, well, there might be a body buried in all that mess.

Roy said...

Oh, geez! I was just getting ready to put dinner on when I found the picture of Amy Winehouse. Now I'm not hungry any more.

Interesting take on the theme, VE!

Uncivil said...

4 pie r squared

Megan said...

Well, yesterday I wondered how she would look if she got old. I think now we know.

VE said...

Chris – Just proves hoarders are sick if they’d keep something like that!

Mrsupole – So…you have everything buried in your 12 secret sub basements, eh?

Mrsupole – That Chris…he’s pretty clever. Not only is he perfect attendance this year but he stole your first! Wow!

Ronda – If God blessed her…yikes…I hope he doesn’t bless me anytime soon…

Subby – Yeah…there’s a lot going on we don’t even know about

Tom – That would be side…he always seemed like a cool guy to hang out with. I’m mean come on, he’s totally nuts!!!

Brian – Those are all true, by-the-way…

Kate – Well dear…you are most welcome…I try to keep my readers informed and amazed!

Nonamedufus – You want her…you know you do…

Willow – They might be convenient to know…a place to get rid of your own crap…

Incredible woody – Classic! I believe it…

Quirkyloon – Ha! Nice try…you cannot make me watch it, you cannot make me watch it!

Roy – Of course…have at it…

Carlae – Boy…did anyone hit that for their Theme Thursday? I already had my post done before that happened…

Maureen – You know how I love to do that for you!

Elizabeth – You’ve got a point there…

Jennymac – I’d go for the hot…perhaps not so much for the mess part…

Jill – They’re a bit icky, those hoarders. Gnomes are ok though…

Perpetual chocoholic – It’s true…isn’t it entertaining when these crazy things happen…

Mama zen – I see you are shrewd and suspected it all along…good job!

Wings – The more unbelieveable the more deep under cover they were…

Stephanie – You stopped short on that last ha….I was hoping for a full five…

Skip – Never drink and read my blog…

Jeffscape – See…you know the truth…

Jenjen – Are ducks truly lucky? That one at the Chinese restaurant didn’t seem to be…

Baino – spreadage….I saw some at the high school reunion that has some of that…

Bunk – Classic!

Reforminggeek – I’m a witness…but I didn’t see Jehovah…

Roy – See how this works for the diet! No…don’t thank me…

Uncivil – You can count to 4? ;)

Megan – Just wait until she gets really old…

Mmm said...

Yes, i often wonder what stories will rise up to the surface over time--a big one being about what really happened with OJ. Somehow I think he might tone day confess on his deathbed. We'll see. i didn't realise just how awful Amy looks. She needs to eat some fruit!

Unfinished Rambler said...

Christian music, gospel music or country music: What have you got against God, God and guns? I just don't get you, man. :)

Jaime said...

amy winehouse. she looks worse every time i see her!

The Silver Fox said...

That stuff sure sounds far-fetched. If I hadn't read it on your blog, I never would have believed it!

gab said...

well lets see our big stories could be Elvis and Michael are alive and they are living together as man and wife. Elvis is teaching micheal's kids the art of eating.

lime said...

i'm thinking the paula abduhl story is more likely than the amy winehouse. nothing agasint paula mind you. amy is just the most disturbing sight.

VE said...

Mmmmm - I'm hoping that deathbed confession is sooner than later...

unfinished rambler - God owes me some explanations...he can start with traffic lights and the concept of merging...

jaime - Wait to see her when she's old!

silver fox - I pride myself for my cutting edge journalism and integrity to the truth. Ha!

gab - Hey...how'd you find out about that one. Have you been investigating with the gnomes again?

lime - She's starting to look like one of those Lepers from Ben Hur...

Gladys said...

I think Amy said No, No No one to many times, times times.

Collette said...

Can I stop nodding for the gnomes now? I am getting a headache...lol.
Please tell me the Amy thing is NOT true! I really don't feel like converting to a different religion at this time in my life.
So, they figured out the Osmond's, did they? What they didn't figure on was what you can still hear if you play their records backwards! LOL. Thanks for a great post!

Kurt said...

I STILL like that Amy Winehouse.

VE said...

gladys - I think she said yes, yes, yes to the drugs one too many times...

collette - What did you hear about playing them backwards? I heard if you play the Osmands backwards you get the Partridge Family...

kurt - You just a good underdog...

VE said...

gladys - I think she said yes, yes, yes to the drugs one too many times...

collette - What did you hear about playing them backwards? I heard if you play the Osmands backwards you get the Partridge Family...

kurt - You just a good underdog...

VE said...

gladys - I think she said yes, yes, yes to the drugs one too many times...

collette - What did you hear about playing them backwards? I heard if you play the Osmands backwards you get the Partridge Family...

kurt - You just a good underdog...

Janna said...

OMG, I could swear I left a comment here earlier... but it's gone!
If only I could remember what I said....
It was brilliant, I swear.

Give me a sec; I'll go through my piles of hoarded stuff and see if I can find it.

Wow, look, a chicken wing...

CatLadyLarew said...

Paula Abdul a Hoarder? I wonder if she left any of her Idol boy toys in the rubble.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

I'm a recovering hoarder. It was such a fun disorder to have; I hated having to give it up!

Amy TooMuchWineInDaHouse...way, way too much wine in da house.....

VE said...

janna - You had me worried there...I thought maybe a chicken wing had you hostage...

catladylarew - I'm fine burying them in rubble...

arizona - Really? I never would have suspected...

nursemyra said...

now I know why Amy Winehouse has always reminded me of Sally Field

VE said...

nursemyra - Good connection! I don't think I would have come up with that but I like it...leave it to the official nurse here!

padraig said...

> Jeez, they really need to
> upgrade all of these sayings.

This needs a post.

I haven't read the comment thread (btw, I hate this comment thread jump box thing you have going on in your blog theme... I'm just sayin'!), but if nobody pointed it out, damn you can mine comedy gold out of that one. I just blew my own mind with the possibilities...

VE said...

padraig - You're the first to point that out. Thanks. I think it does deserve a post. I'll take a look and see what I can do...

Ronda Laveen said...

Looks like we need a "No Nun Left Behind" campaign.

VE said...

ronda - I saw some nuns sipping a pina colada...their hair was perfect...

subby said...

VE, were those nuns at Trader Vick's? Heh, heh...

VE said...

subby - Yes there were! You know the song...

subby said...

VE, but of course! It's the only place in SOHO to escape from the rain( and keep the fur dry )...heh, heh...

Uncivil said...

"S" is for Spam.......or in your case "Spondulix"!