Friday, January 15, 2010

T is for TECHNOLOGY

For the letter T, let’s focus on....

TECHNOLOGY

I wrote a humor piece on this awhile back and submitted it as an entry into a humor book for the Humorbloggers group I belong to. But because I don’t know that it’ll ever get published and because they didn’t preclude it from being used before and because I think it’s funny, I’ll present it here. But it’s a tad long for blog attention spans so I’ll feature it into two parts. Here you go…

You know, technology is an amazing thing. I’m not just talking about your latest multi-giga-attention-diverting toy here. I’m talking about using tools to make life easier and more productive in general. I say a little prayer for technology every single night. Then I throw up a little in my mouth. How can I not? Technology is both a blessing and a pain-in-the-butt.

First of all I’m quite happy that I don’t have to be hunting and gathering for my food. Thanks to modern technology like refrigeration I don’t have to live in a cave to keep my hunk-o-meat from spewing maggots. Especially when I sneak down at night for some leftovers while the wifey-poo is cuddling to that pillow she thinks is actually me.

Thankfully, technology has allowed me to never actually see food growing. I don’t have to sow the seeds. I don’t have to sow anything. I’ve got farmers on food stamps using illegal immigrants to do that for me. All I have to do is drag my butt down to the grocery store. You know, I don’t even have to do that now. Can you say delivery?

Thanks to technology I don’t even have to prepare my food much either. For years I avoided salads. The idea of washing them by hand to remove the third-arm-growing pesticides and strange genetically deformed insects off of the produce was just too much work for me. Thanks to nifty technology like salad spinners the washing is easy. Further thanks to innovations like hot house growing I don’t even have to eat produce that has been in the ground. Dirt is so messy you know and it’s quite filling. You should avoid carbs and dirt whenever possible.

Don’t like vegetables? Thanks to technology you can throw them into a giant ‘juicer’ with some fruit and get all the nutritious benefits without your gag reflexes working on overdrive as you try and choke down asparagus or turnips just so you can live an extra year on the back end of your life. Really; who are you kidding? You’re not going to remember those extra years anyway because you’ll have dementia and be eating pudding from an intern. But I digress. The kitchen isn’t the only place I can yield benefits from technology.

Technology is a benefit everywhere in our lives. You wouldn’t have time to play 600 hours of Dungeon War Terror if you didn’t have a vacuum. Why the time spent picking up lint and 3 month old grapes by hand out of the carpet would take forever before vacuums were invented. A little known fact is that this was the very reason the Romans were always at war. “Sorry honey, I’d love to stay and pick olive pieces and pita bread crumbs from the floor but the army has deployed me to the North front. I’ll be back in 7 or 20 years.”

Tune in on Sunday for Part 2…

44 comments:

The Incredible Woody said...

Am I first?

The Incredible Woody said...

Woohoo!!

lime said...

aw heck we could all just go amish

JenJen said...

Funny! I love the old lady pic..."where am I?"
haha.

Jacki said...

I am glad I don't have to wash clothes in a river and beating them against a rock. I have a hard time doing laundry with my washing machine and dryer, I'd never make it outside to wash clothes.

Roy Scribner said...

I'm thankful for the technology that lets me drink beer down here, that was brewed in Ashland and Bend. That's my kind of bandwidth!

freetheunicorns said...

Ah, technology. The lazy mans savior. Thank you for reminding me of how lazy, and therefore reliant on technology, I am.

VE said...

incredible woody - You are! Just what is going on in the world?!!

lime - Now that would make blogging interesting...

jenjen - Sometimes I feel like that. I'll probably feel like that tomorrow morning as I'm getting ready for my first day of skiing here in Sun Valley and my first night of partying tonight...

jacki - You'd have more time without Facebook though... ;)

roy - Without beer, how would the sexes ever even get together? Oh, and good choices on the Micros...

freetheunicorns - You are the my lazy man's hall of fame! Congrats on that...I'd do something more for you but I'm the president...

Quirkyloon said...

And I heard that Safeway down by the river is having a special on Diet Dr. Pepper. They've been having problems with a gang of T-Rexes that keep on raiding the place. So they've got a reward posted: Kill the T-Rex, Diet Dr. Pepper free for life.

Sounds like a great deal to me.

Ha!

Elizabeth said...

Hey, what are you saying about our attention spans??
;)

Hale McKay said...

I think my attention span is okay. I had to read this post seven times to remember where I was.

The Silver Fox said...

I had a great comment for this one.

Somewhere...

Crap.

Simpson/Lynch Studios said...

I'm not sure, but did I just leave a comment as myself?

mama-face said...

OMGoodness...the extreme advances in technology were on my mind yesterday. It wasn't funny though.

safeway down the river...bahahaha

Gladys said...

I one time dated a guy who didn't like technology. He didn't have a phone, he didn't have anything but a fireplace for heat in his house made from rocks and he rode a horse every where. He didn't even have indoor plumbing. Yeah that was my hippy phase. :)

Maureen said...

Well me loves my technology... otherwise, how the heck would I be able to read your great stuff??? Oh yeah. By buying a real life book with paper pages.... well, someday perhaps.

Megan said...

I don't want to wait until Sunday.

carlae said...

Technology, just because we can, doesn't mean we should.

Collette said...

With techology today, you never have to leave the house for anything. That can either be good or bad.
But we still don't have the technology to read VE's mind so we don't have to wait for Sunday's post! Hmmm...lol

Baino said...

How dare you cast aspersions at my atte. . . . . . . .ooh shiny thing

Kurt said...

I can still fix stuff.

VE said...

Quirkyloon – I’ve heard about these T-Rex gangs. Sad…
The wifey-poo once found a Diet Dr. Pepper chocolate soda and she liked it but we’ve never seen it anywhere since. Now I try and convince her it was all a dream…

Elizabeth – I was saying…huh? What did you ask?

Hale – You win the People Often Reread Nowadays (PORN) award…

Silver fox – It’ll turn up when you vacuum…

Silver fox – Only if you think you did…

Mama-face – We all have to EAT (Extremely Advanced Technology)

Gladys – He didn’t live in upper Wisconsin either, did he?

Maureen – Someday, indeed. I’m working on it…

Megan – Sorry…I’m skiing right now in Sun Valley (well…not as I type this, of course)

Carlae – I said that about my last oversized meal…

Collette – Reading my swirling mind could cause seizures if you’re not prepared for the randomness…

Kurt – Me too…the trick with that is making it work when you’re done…

ReformingGeek said...

Yes, the technology of jumping to the comment form because if I don't and read all the witty comments, I won't remember what I wanted to say.


......

......

Oh yeah. I thought 'T' was for titillating.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

3 month old grapes are called raisins.

Janna said...

I had a giant salad for dinner and my third arm is growing even as we speak.
At least I think it's an arm...

Jaime said...

i dont' think technology and i will ever get along. i'm lucky i can figure out how to throw a photo in my posts and link to stuff!

Uncivil said...

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the TECHNOLOGY. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic blogger?

subby said...

You still have a Safeway? And I'm eating pudding now. Then again I just had a (T)ooth pulled!
And you're pretty spot on about the veggies, heh...



Standing by for part 2...

VE said...

reforminggeek - I always thought 'titillating' was a naughty word...

perpetual - You mean I shouldn't have thrown out those grapes?

janna - Those third arms are mostly inconvenient. More nail clipping and hand wawhing and such. But it is easier to juggle...

jaime - That's ok...I've never been able to get audio on my posts...

uncivil - Can you make her a female and smoking hot?

subby - Avoid the pudding...you don;'t want to be on the backend of your life...

Chris C said...

Somewhere in this post topic there has to be a mention of nano-midgets.

They are the cutting edge of nanotechnology after all. Okay, maybe not cutting edge, more like duct tape edge. Really small rolls of duct tape edge.

Mrsupole said...

Is this getting to be a habit to follow Chris C. Geez, what can I say. Being sick and sleeping for two days and no freaking technology helps with that.

All I can say is "Terminator", that is where all this technology is leading us to. Yup, the robots will rule that world. Take that to the bank. Sucky ass robots.

God bless.

PS...have fun on your trip.

CatLadyLarew said...

Ah, the benefits of technology. Gives me so much more time to waste.

Brian o vretanos said...

I don't think I'd have survived in the pre-microwave and TV dinner era, when you had to live on charred hunks of rotting bison roasted for hours on log fires. At last that's how my grandparents described it.

VE said...

chris - Of course there is but it is so small the human eye cannot see it...

mrsupole - There you are...I thought something happened! I think it all does end up like Terminator or Matrix too...

catladylarew - And guess where we waste it...more technology!

brian - I don't think I'd have done too well either. That doesn't sound like fun...

Chris C said...

Damn you and your loopholes VE!

@Mrsupole: That's a good thing actually. I'm like a tv show that is a good lead-in. I'll keep em hooked until it is your turn to wow them with your comment :)

And I have no idea what the guy above me said. Maybe "Ancient Chinese secret eh?" or something like that.

VE said...

chris - You have to admit...it was an ingenious comeback...

Oh...and sorry...I deleted Mr. Spam so now you just sound like you're crazy...

padraig said...

> You’re not going to remember
> those extra years anyway
> because you’ll have dementia
> and be eating pudding from
> an intern.

I'm going to rock it George Burns style when I get there. That's right, I'm going to shrink 15" and start smoking stogies longer than my arm. I'll have my glasses artificially reinforced with thick lenses to make me look more befuddled and harmless.

Chris C said...

As for sounding crazy it would not be the first time :)

Mrsupole said...

Ah, but Chris I know you are not crazy because I saw that Green Eggs and Spam guy before you. Well maybe I am crazy because here I go following you again. It must be the fever I've been having the past few days.

God bless.

VE said...

padraig - He did make it to 100 like he said. Then he died. He should have made a longer term goal...

chris c - Join the club...I'm regularly called that...

mrsupole - Green eggs usually lead to fever...

Ronda Laveen said...

Don't forget about Swedish golfer, Jesper Parnevik. One of his health kicks was eating ground volcanic rock.

VE said...

ronda - Isn't that like drinking Sanka?

John said...

nike outlet
cheap jordan shoes
true religion jeans outlet
coach outlet store
gucci handbags outlet
nike free 4.0 flyknit
rolex watches
louboutin shoes
michael kors bags
christian louboutin outlet
20170301yuanyuan

Unknown said...

coach outlet
replica watches
bears jerseys
oakley sunglasses
coach outlet
nike blazer
oakley sunglasses
michael kors outlet
ralph lauren
pandora jewelry
20170412