Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Y is for YACHTING

For the letter Y, let’s focus on....

YACHTING

If you’ve read my blog for awhile, you know how I feel about yachting and sailing. If you haven’t, I’ll spare you all the details and leave it as this: Sailing is for people with no sense. Yachting is for rich people with no sense.

But besides all the ridiculous stuff you have to do just to steer the damn boat when you could have a simple engine and steering wheel, they had to go and be “special” by making up a whole new language.

Let’s have some fun. I’ll give you yachting terms and definitions and then I’ll give you VE’s definitions instead.

Bow - The front or pointy end of the boat.
Bow – What you make all your boat guests do so you feel your 30 million is justified

Stern - The back or blunt end of the boat.
Stern – How you should act when you have no idea what you are doing on deck

Port side - The left hand side of the boat when you are in the boat facing forward.
Port sideThe side where the Port is being served.

Starboard side - The right hand side of the boat when you are in the boat facing forward.
Starboard side – The side where all the stars hang out at

Hull - The outside, underside of your boat. The bit that touches the water.
Hull – An underwater hall

Deck - The floor
Deck – The special playing cards you bring aboard to cheat the captain with

Beam - The widest part of your boat.
Beam – Preferred with Coke and Ice

Amidships - The centre of your boat
Amidships – When the water is crowded with boats and your stuck in the middle

Centreline - An imaginary line down the centre of your boat from the bow to the middle of your stern.
Centreline – An imaginary word, misspelled and used to laugh at drunken guests as you make them walk it

Keel - Along the underside of the hull down the centerline
Keel – Fall down drunk but not overboard (which would be keel over)

Freeboard - The height of your boat from the waterline to the top of the side of your boat.
Freeboard – A sample of the boat that you may pry off and take after your cruise

Draught - The amount of your boat from the waterline to the lowest part of your boat in the water. (how deep in the water is she or how much water do you need to float.)
Draught – The house beer

Heads - The toilet.
Heads – Referring to which way the boat is going…as in ‘heads over there’

Galley - The kitchen.
Galley – A gallery without the art

Bulkhead - The walls.
Bulkhead – The football player you invited to attract the girls on to the ship

Sheets - The ropes used to adjust sails in and out so as to catch the best breeze.
Sheets – What happens in your undies when you have to bring it into the yacht club alone

Bight - a loop in a rope
Bight – A nasty lip sore caused from running over the row boat you didn’t see

Ground Tackle - A general term used to describe all the gear used when anchoring. Includes rope, chain, cable and anchor.
Ground Tackle – What you must do before leaving to keep unwanted guests from the cruise

37 comments:

Mrsupole said...

I'm going overboard here to be FOA.

Mrsupole said...

Okay, I went to bow and fell off the deck from the beam after crashing through the bulkheads, I tried to grab the sheets and caught a bight, so while hanging off the starboard side I looked into a porthole and saw the owner in the head, then I keeled over in laughter which caused me to let go. I tried to grab a freeboard, not having much draught I slid down the hull while hubs watched sternly from the galley porthole. I was soon amidships with guests laughing, and throwing towards the port side, the life savers they found in the ground tackle sitting on the freaking centreline. I almost drowned and that is why I also hate yachting. If only they knew the right definitions.........

God bless.

subby said...

LMAO!!! As a former tar it's that much funnier. And me and Jim Beam were the best of friends, heh...hic...heh...tho' I've not seen 'im in over 20 years ;)

CatLadyLarew said...

Brilliant, VE! You pegged every one of them!

Elizabeth said...

I never knew there were so many fancy words for yachting! I think I'd need Cliff Notes to keep them all straight!

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

What's a yacht;-)

The Incredible Woody said...

I'd rather hang out with the pirates!

Roy Scribner said...

Yachting: Recreational sailing or boating

Yachting: A Waldport, Oregon term for picking-up large women in Yachats.

Quirkyloon said...

I learned something today.

I'll never be yachtwoman.

heh heh heh

Gladys said...

I do not sail just like I do not jump out of perfectly good airplanes for no reason.

Great breakdown VE

aladdinsane12 said...

ahaha, amazing! sheets was my fave :) i have known a few families that own sailboats and this pretty much describes them to a t!

ReformingGeek said...

Hum...."three sheets to the wind" must have something to do with drunk sailors.

I love your definitions.

Then there's aft which looks like they left off the "d" or the "sh".

Brian o vretanos said...

The reason I've never bought a yacht, apart from not having $10 million, and not being married (so having no need to be secretive about all my bikini-clad admirers), is that I'm waiting for them to build one with a front, a back and walls, and affordable. I'm sure IKEA could come up with something appropriate.

Nessa said...

When I say the word yacht it sounds like a cat coughing up a hair ball.

12212012

Ronda Laveen said...

I'm headed to the port side now. What time are cocktails served?

VE said...

Mrsupole – Ha! See…you need to write more. Most excellent…

Subby – Yes…you should know many of these terms too…

Catladylarew – I did wooden peg leg them!

Elizabeth – I guess if you’re gonna spend 10 plus million you need your own language to come with it…

Perpetual – I giant money toilet…

Incredible woody – You just secretly want to hang out with Johnny Depp. I see though your plot…

Roy – Ha! You are a bit too steeped in local lore!

Quirkyloon – Guess I won’t be able to call you skipper then…

Gladys – I don’t jump out of perfectly good airplanes only because I’m sure the parachute would fail for me and I’m sure I’d also be unlucky enough to live through it…

Aladdinsane12 – Yes…I’ve known them too and I agree…

Reforminggeek – Ha! Good one…left off the d or sh…

Brian – Can I borrow all your bikini-clad admirers for a party I’m hosting?

Nessa – Ha! Too funny…it does!

Ronda – You’re in luck…they’re going 24/7…what else are boats good for?

Chris C said...

What about the poopdeck?

On a side note now I know what I have been missing: Xrumer. I could really use some exotic targeted visitors nearly my site.

Uncivil said...

Mrsupole rocks with her comment!!!!!WowZa!!!!!

Annie Ha said...

I like the word amidships.

Janna said...

After reading the spam comment, I keep wondering what a "Spondulix" machine is.
Sigh. I remember the olden days when I actually cared about what my Google Page Rank was.

"Yacht" is a fun Scrabble word.

It's also fun to say "Batten down the hatches!" over and over again for no discernible reason. If you say it enough times, your therapist increases the medication dosage.

"Spondulix" would be a neat name for a prescription medication.

Ask your doctor if Spondulix is right for you.

VE said...

chris c - You really don't want me to go there. As for the spam...sorry...I'm removing the spam these days. It's a continuous battle but I am dilligent (plus I like to make you look stoopid by commenting on something that isn't there now. Hahaha)

uncivil - Yes she does. The gnomes were quite put out by your lack of ability to top her though...republicans...

annie ha - Its so open to interpretation...

janna - See...I made you look foolish and confused too by deleting the spam comments from this. Still pondulix sounds like some kind of kinky adult spandex product to me...

nursemyra said...

If they're only serving port on the portside, what are the stars on the other side drinking?

Baino said...

Ah sailing on Sydney Harbour is just fun . . as long as someone else is watching the cut of the jib! Leave me with the prawns and champers. Yep, you'll find me on the Port side well before I keel

Megan said...

I'm with Baino.

VE said...

nursemyra - They're all just intoxicated with themselves...

baino - I'm sure it would be...if I ever get there! Someday...

megan - You're sailing in Sydney Harbour with Baino? You must have a really big boat to get there from LA...

Chris C said...

Ha! I actually copied and saved the text of the comment. It was so bizarre I figure I could use it for something.

You did throw it away after all. :)

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL! Funny stuff.

Sailing rocks - seriously!!!

Maureen said...

Ha! I could never go on a yacht... I would be green with my head over the port side the entire time.

VE said...

chris c - It was. I did that a few time for posts. It was a lot of fun too. But I'm getting inundated by spam on posts and it is starting to irritate me. I swear I've deleted about 50 comments throughout my older posts...but I don't want to have to put on password protect...it's just one more step commenters would have to suffer through...

queen jeannie - I've never sailed a rock...but if you say so, I'll believe you...

maureen - I guess you yacht not try it...yuck, yuck, yuck...

Jaime said...

i've never been a boat person. i hate the stupid boat shoes and silly hats they all seem to wear. Is that standard issue stuff you HAVE TO wear when you own a boat or do people really like it?

VE said...

jaime - I'm sure they come as a bundled kit when you pay them the 13 million check for the yacht...

gab said...

I will keep my feet on the green green grass of home. I have taken 2 count them 2 trips on a ship! I got seasick both times. I tryed a little "speed" boat and got even sicker. NO THANKS LOL

VE said...

gab - Well...I think you are safe where you live...

lime said...

that was darned helpful! thanks! not that i'll ever be aboard a yacht but ya know, i can fake it now.

VE said...

lime - You'll need this when you start hanging out with the jet-set crowd...

The Silver Fox said...

"Sailing is for people with no sense?" Don't let Popeye hear you say that. He'll kick your @$$.

VE said...

silver fox - We're both sailors...I was in the Coast Guard so I can get away with saying that...