Sunday, January 03, 2010

You Say you Want a Resolution...

What? You made a New Years Resolution? Oh brother…come on…sing it with me…you know the tune…The Beatles – Revolution….VE style…

You say you made a resolution
Well, you know
We all fail down the road
Ever since we began evolution
Well, you know
Failures piling up like a bad commode
But when you talk about improvement
Don’t you know you can count me out
Cause everything’s gonna be
All right, All right, All right

Seriously, what is it with everyone and these damn resolutions every year? The health gyms are crammed full with people over-exercising, the medical facilities are then crammed full with people who did the over-exercising.

I seriously think that I can make certain companies more money. Lazy-Boy should raise their prices on recliners about mid February. The over-achievers that couldn’t make it will be there buying. Oh, and snack foods…raise those prices right about then too. Yep, they’ll be hitting it hard by then.


Now me…I have one resolution: Live forever. So far, so good!

Why don’t people start with small resolutions and just see what it feels like to complete them. You know, things like this:

- Don’t pee in the shower

- Don’t pick your nose and then scoop out some of the skippy peanut butter from the jar with your finger

- Stop checking out “racks” and “packages” first and faces second (come on now, you can do it)

Forget about those ridiculous ones that you won’t do:

- Convert home movies into DVDs
- Efficient roadway merges
- Scrapbook the kid’s old art projects and photos to surprise them
- Clean out the garage and keep it organized so that both cars will fit
- Reaching a harmonious balance between cereal and milk

They’re impossible. Don’t torture yourself.

Oh, and those noble ridiculous ones like World Peace? I’d love for it too; but it’s impossible. Impossible! I mean consider this: The world has over 6 billion people. There aren’t enough trees or sustainable products on this planet to even support everyone to use toilet paper to take their daily crap. If you can't crap equally…how can you ever have world peace? You can’t!

Hey…I’m just the messenger…

59 comments:

Mrsupole said...

My only resolution or sorta of one is to be "First" again. Hah.

Mrsupole said...

Okay, I thought we "were supposed" to pee in the shower.

And I hate to beat PC to this but EWWWWWWWW to the PB and a snotty finger.

And I finally connected up the Video conversion equipment, just need to find the dang videos now. But it did take me 5 years to hook up the equipment, so it might take another 5 to find the videos and then 5 more to actually do it.

Maybe they are in the 3-car garage filled with stuff (I never keep junk). Can't even park one car inside, left alone 3.

And maybe you should do a post on what the others use who do not use toilet paper. Or is that TMI?

God bless.

Mrsupole said...

Okay, meant to say "let alone 3". And I have no excuse for the bad spelling. Sigh.

Uh, third, too.

Mrsupole said...

I need to change the name of my site to:

"Abilities of Mrsupole"
"A Place for Mrsupole"
"Acts of Mrsupole"
"Admirers of Mrsupole"
"Adorable Mrsupole"
"Accomplishments of Mrsupole"
"Acutely Mrsupole"
"Accomodating Mrsupole"
"Accidently Mrsupole"
"About Mrsupole"
"Abashedly Mrsupole"
"Abducting Mrsupole"

I noticed I was so far down there on the list and then realized that the only way to be first was to change my sites name and so I really am leaning towards "A Place for Mrsupole's Thoughts" or any of the others, but then again I did think that "A Place for Mrsupole's Seedy Thoughts" was good too.

If anyone has any good ideas, just come visit and let me know. I have a lot of thinking to do about this one. Maybe just "A Crappy Place" would be good.

Gonna go think some more about this.

God bless.

Hey Megan, did you notice you are first? Okay, I cannot take that away from you....sigh....I give up....just kidding....but it is fun to have wishful thinking.....

VE said...

mrsupole - You know...I think you could get me to 100 comments alone! ;) Wohoo...got another "eww". I'm on a roll. Oh, and I'd recomment starting your blog with "Aardvark..." just to be sure!

lettuce said...

ha!

piling up like a bad commode
thats such a lovely image

:-}

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Brian Miller said...

piling up like a commode left me with the most amazing visual...should i stop peeing in the shower? it all goes to the same place right?

subby said...

Rezolushuns? I don' need no steenkin' rezolushuns! And you've never had to merge onto a highway in Massachusetts...say...near Boston, heh, heh...good one VE!

subby said...

And Brian's right y'know...water go down the hole!

Tom said...

there was new year?

CatLadyLarew said...

I'll never be able to hear that song again without thinking of you, VE. I'm going to save time and go sit in my recliner now and start crossing things off my resolution list. (Knee's already busted, so I bypassed that step.)

Kurt said...

I never make resolutions.

otin said...

Your resolutions are right up my alley!
I saw an interview with Peter O'toole, the actor. The interviewer said, "You are in great shape, do you work out?" He responded something like, "I get all the exercise I need helping to carry the caskets of my friends who died while working out!"

Quirkyloon said...

VE this is the fitness industry's black month. They wait all year for January, because this is the only month they operate at a profit.

It's true.

And I refuse to sanction their greed for profit, hence, I'm forgoing any resolution to work-out.


Work-out. Pshaw.

Quirkyloon said...

Oh and one request (sshh don't let Mrsupole know). When you redo your blog roll would you kindly change my name to "A Quirkyloon"?

*smile*

carlae said...

I think it best if we all pick one resolution and pass it the person on our left.

thinkinfyou said...

Peeing in the shower is a good thing,right? That way you use wayyy less toilet paper...just thinking of saving the trees!

Megan said...

I didn't make any resolutions, but now I might have to put "get a recliner" on a list somewhere...

VE said...

lettuce - When you write, you need to be descriptive. Well...that's what my English teacher told me...

anon - Thanks. I agree...it took awhile to find my voice and I cringe whenever I go back to 2006 and even some of the 2007 stuff. They could have been done much better...

brian - I aim for the imagry...and then shoot myself in the foot on accident anyway! Oh, and that shower water goes right into the sink... ;)

subby - I guarantee you merging in Oregon is bad...they're overly polite here and won't form two lanes so those that use the merging in lane get a bunch of angry drivers who've been waiting forever even though they didn't do anything wrong...

tom - 2009 was so last year! Polka dots are in!

otin - Good retort on his part! Too bad he never got an Oscar for Lawrence of Arabia...he deserved it but there were too many good movies out that year...

quirkyloon - Nice try on that "A" stuff...you guys are so sneaky! January is black month at the gyms? More like black and blue!

carlae - Good idea. This means you're going to have to not accumulate lint belly button hair...your turn to pass one...

thinkinfyou - You are so practical! Guys don't have to use TP to pee though...we just sneak out to the neighbors lawn...

megan - It looks inviting, doesn't it? Nice book and a snuggie...

Jaime said...

all those people in the gym will be gone come valentines day.

and it's way more fun checking out racks and packages first... how else do you know if you want to bother with the rest of a person

Deb said...

No resolutions here. Makes life simple. Wait. That means I am simple. Simple is good, right?

Baino said...

I like picking my nose. It's very satisfying. BANG!

Gladys said...

My resolution was just to breath. In and out. That is the important part. If you just breath in and don't breath out well the room goes dark and you wake up on the floor. If you breath out and forget to breath in again you pass out. Luckily you autopilot switches on and starts doing the drill for you. If not then well it's back to VE's 7 levels of Hell.

Ronda Laveen said...

Those same over crowded gyms in January will be like ghost towns in March. It's kinda sad.

Elizabeth said...

I hate this time at the gym. So many new people using my favorite equipment. I think I'll just do the Wii Fitness Plus until February!

Carla said...

Who does resolutions? Anyone here do resolutions? Didn't think so.

Janna said...

I resolve NOT to change my blog name to "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."

With willpower and possibly some medication, I know I can do it.

Maureen said...

You mean garages are for cars to park in???

Huh. Whoda thunkit. Must mention this to hubby one day.

ReformingGeek said...

Waking up each day will have to be good enough for me.

Wait. Except for trying to be the last person to comment over here.

Bonnie the Boss said...

"If you can't crap equally…how can you ever have world peace?" good one!
That is a sad state of affairs!

Chris C said...

I resolve to pee in the shower when I first get in, instead of right before I get out.

This should solve the problem of my legs smelling like a homeless person.

subby said...

LMAO@Janna's last comment!!

Jeff said...

Hey, I've already converted one VCR tape to DVD this year. Does that mean I've met my resolution obligation?

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

meh. I resolve to not go in my kitchen. Cause going into my kitchen caused me to tear my Achilles not once BUT TWICE and I ended up in a cheap version of that Lazy Boy.

Rachel said...

Of course I have no bad habits that I need to change which is one of the reasons I do not make resolutions ;o) The other reason is that I always forget what it is! I tend to set goals but I se eno reason for waiting until a new year to do that.

leelee said...

My resolution is to visit this blog each day...I think??? I can manage that.oh and Convert home movies into DVDs.

HUGS!!

lime said...

that's why the only resolution i ever kept was to not make another resolution again. certainly took the pressure off.

my kids, however, have inked their names to contractual resolutions this year.

Roy Scribner said...

I don't know anything about resolutions (isn't that what Congress does, when they really don't want to do anything?), but I always wondered what carrying a photo of Chairman Mao had to do with hooking-up?

The Incredible Woody said...

You mean the garage is for cars?

Anne said...

I resolve to tolerate your posts yet another year.

Dee said...

that anonymous person left the same comment on my blog. weird.

And thanks for reminding me yet again that I don't have a lazy boy and that I really want one

VE said...

jaime - Yes...and coincidentally Valentines Day is where those things are checked out!

deb - Simple is as simple does...

baino - I keep waiting for some product like "the nose tornado" that you put on and it instantly sucks everything but the cartlidge out...

gladys - I took a class on that. It was the only way to take a class on what fingers do because breathing was a prerequisite

ronda - Good place to clean out the garage in I guess...

elizabeth - I have wii fitness. I just end up playing the balance games and such...

carla - The gnomes don't do resolutions...but they do weddings...

janna - Ha! A simple "A" will come in ahead of that, of course. Now if you could come up with a letter that comes before "A"... that would work...

maureen - I know...you think it's extra square footage on the house and meanwhile the poor car has to stay outside shivering...

reforminggeek - Comminting last? There you go...another impossible task...

bonnie - That's the trouble, if it's not the big things like freedom then it's the small things like crapping...

chris c - Ha! I see...it's not just the resolution but the application of the resolution that makes the difference. Like I shouldn't just rob banks, I should rob them without getting caught...

subby - I wouldn't put it past her! ;)

jeff - It just means you're a techno geek! But you're blog family so we won't say anything...

kelley - What do you have in the kitchen that would do that, some kind of Survivor obstacle course to get to the can opener? Tell that hubby to spring for a quality lay-z-boy!

rachel - Welcome! People wait until the new year to make them because they're inebriated from the New Years Eve party the night before...

leelee - A worthy goal...the gnomes give thumbs up. Of course, they're also laughing about the whole DVD conversion thing...

lime - Somehow I'm thinking these inked contractual resolutons are signed in blood and of parental origin...

roy - Ha! That Lennon...he was ahead of his time. I didn't know he started the whole hook-up scene. I agree...it would be tough to get hooked up with a photo of chairman Mao...

incredible woody - Well it's right in the book of "What everything is for"...duh! ;)

anne - A tough one...perhaps impossible...

dee - What? It wasn't just for me? Unheard of! Oh, and be sure to get the lazyboy chair with the toilet built in...you almost never have to leave it...

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I refuse to make resolutions!

freetheunicorns said...

I'm afraid peeing in the shower will always be a part of my life.

As for a harmonious balance between cereal and milk, well VE, that's a dream I hope to make happen.

Happy New Year man.

Jacki said...

I am hoping that one of Peter's resolutions this year is to fix the garage door! When the weather turned cold (mid-November) it stopped working properly and so now we can't park in it. We can open and close the door manually, but that doesn't do me any good.

So now it is just one huge beer freezer.

VE said...

perpetual chocoholics - That's good. Goals just require statistics to keep track and that's...like...work!

freetheunicorns - That cereal one...it's like trying to make perpetual motion work as an energy source...it sounds convincing and doable until you try it...

jacki - Ha...so you two have enough time to do OTHER things without the kids...but not fix the garage door. I know where your priorities are...(good for you!)

dana said...

As my mom used to say "No one ever looks under the bed unless they once hid there themselves" SO I'm assuming you know firsthand about picking your nose and scooping out the peanut butter. It's alright to pee in the shower as long as you don't just step in a dry one when you're visiting.

Serena said...

No resolutions for this girl. I got wise years ago to the fact those suckers never work.:)

VE said...

dana - Ha! Good call. Alas...I have NEVER tried to convert my home movies to DVD so that theory is out the window! Welcome...by the way...

serena - True, but it is entertaining watching the rest of the suckers...

BlondeBlogger said...

oooh, crossing days off the calendar! now that's a new year's resolution i could stick to!

Uncivil said...

The only resolution I'm worried about is the screen resolution on my computer monitor!

Collette said...

I usually don't even make resolutions anymore. Took much work just to get to the point of breaking them. Start with none, you're already ahead of the game.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

I wish more people would resolve to make efficient roadway merges. They, of course, would say that more people need to resolve to efficiently change lanes so merging traffic can efficiently merge. Maybe we all need to just resolve to be more efficient.

VE said...

blondeblogger - Difficult...but achievable!

uncivil - For me these days...big!

collette - That's a good resolution in and of itself!

arizona - So they're not good around Chicago either, eh? Sad news...I'd always assumed Oregon was just some backwater sad driving locale and that the bigger city folks had better aptitude or experience...

Simpson/Lynch Studios said...

(Silver Fox representing SnL) I never got into the whole reslution thing. If there were ever anbything about myself that needed changing -- which is not to be construed as an admission that there is! -- why wait until January 1st? Anyone who says "Yeah, I really need to stop cheating on my wife with underage girls while driving drunk. Too bad it's only May..." probably won't live long enough to see January first!

VE said...

silver fox - Welcome to the new year...if your resolution is to cheat with underage girls while driving drunk...you don't have to wait until May... ;)

Dalton J. Fox said...

It took me all of about 8 hours to break the one about peeing in the shower. And I'd never make a resolution to stop noticing "racks" first. That'd just be nuts.

VE said...

dalton - That's a good personal record though...try for 10 hours next year!