Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Appocolypse News Coverage

Imagine news from the future when Revelations is taking place. I have…

(the scene…major television news show…)

This just in…the seventh seal has been opened much to the shock and anticipation of everyone on Earth. “It came so unexpectedly. I should have known it would happen on a Monday,” lamented one gentleman.

Indeed, it has caught End of World collectors by surprise as they scramble to find tickets and other memorabilia from this unprecedented event. “I was at all of the first six seal openings,” cried one materialistic collector, “I’ve even got unused tickets from each event on display in my room. But now they’ve gone and opened the seventh seal without a big promotional push. How could they do this to humanity?” She is still hoping to get the commemorative bowl collection as each of the Seven Bowl Judgments gets delivered to the world.

We have John Paul Ringo standing by in Brazil with an urgent report.

(switches camera to John Paul)

Thanks, George. As the first trumpet sounded around the world we sat and wondered. What kind of acoustics did God use to sound the trumpet? There wasn’t time for speculation though as the entire Brazilian jungle went up in a single flame of intense fire; ruining the illegal wood deck and flooring market stemming from here. Fortunately special effect crews had been in place preparing for this and the footage they recorded will be available in the latest Rambo movie coming out next summer should humanity still be around. We’re going to roast some marshmallows now. Back to you, George.

(switches camera back to news desk)

Thanks for that update, John Paul. Let’s go over to our meteorologist, Mr. Rain Man himself. Rain…what is it looking like out there?

(switches camera to the weather center)

Well, George, as you can see on our weather map, the forecast is calling for fiery hail across the entire planet today with a chance of partly fiery hail going on into the evening. I’d take you on the scene with more weather reporters but we lost the majority of them in the Earthquake back when the sixth seal broke. Back to you, George.

(switches camera to the news desk)

Thanks Rain Man, I guess people should break out their asbestos umbrellas today then. In other news coming up, our investigative team has found a second middle class family still living in the United States and we’ll take a look at the fishing industry as they prepare to get every last fish out of the ocean before the second trumpet sends a meteor into the ocean and kills everything. Stay tuned after the break…

34 comments:

Mrsupole said...

I love the news first thing when I wake up each day.

Mrsupole said...

I didn't know George Burns was still alive, now that is a real Revelation. I think I am gonna go get me a cigar and start puffing one it.

Say; "Goodnight Gracie!"

God bless.

Mrsupole said...

Whoops meant puffing on it...

CatLadyLarew said...

Wait... is that a trumpet I hear? Oh, shit!

Beth said...

We are all going to hell in a hand-basket (funny expression, huh?)
I’ve had a reserved spot for years - and circumvented the ticket line-ups for all the seals – including the seventh.

The Incredible Woody said...

But where is the brimstone? I thought there would be brimstone.

Quirkyloon said...

Such an uplifting post.

Kurt said...

I was at all of the first six seal openings, indeed!

Elizabeth said...

Now I need a kitten to look at :)

Roy Scribner said...

You can either surf, or you can fight!

Uncivil said...

I love the smell of news coverage in the morning?

Brian o vretanos said...

It's about time we had some warm weather after all the snow and stuff...

VE said...

Mrsupole – That implies that you sleep…I’m not so sure about that…

Catladylarew – This is why the trumpet hasn’t gained in popularity lately…

Beth – Yes, I’ve already reserved a view lot in hell…

Incredible woody – Turns out brimstone is rare and somebody sold it all on ebay…

Quirkyloon – Glad I could lift your spirits and energize your soul. Puppies will be available when you leave…

Kurt – There’s always those kind of people at anything…

Elizabeth – Kittens and puppies will be provided upon leaving…

Roy – That true because I have yet to see a kick boxing event on surfboards…

Uncivil – With a proper asbestos roof, a fiery hail storm accumulation can heat a home for several months! Gotta look at the bright side of the apocalypse…

Brian – Yes…fiery hail will heat things up…

subby said...

Heh, heh...just so ya know, that was Harry James on trumpet ;) and...oh dang! My asbestos brolly won't open! GAAAAHHHH....!( sizzling sounds are heard )...

aladdinsane12 said...

if the world was ending, i'd probably do the same thing: roast some marshmallows.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Global warming to the extreme!

Maureen said...

Okay tell me the truth... that was ME who was the "collector" right???

Nessa said...

I always knew weather forecasting was dangerous work.

I never liked fish anyway.

Sensational Haiku Wednesday

gab said...

My luck is I will be caught without a brella, and I will burn and rot in hell! Oh heck I probably will anyways lol.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Why does this sound a lot like Avatar? Did you just watch Avatar recently? Oh, I know why you said "the entire Brazilian jungle went up in a single flame of intense fire," in case for some reason you forgot what you wrote. Personally, I always love it when people stop by my blog to tell me what I wrote, don't you? ;)

Janna said...

"John Paul Ringo" and "George"!
LOL!!!

How funny.
That's worth a couple seals right there. :)

Janna said...

Wait... what? No brimstone?
No sulphur?

There should at least be the stench of sulphur.

I can start eating some broccoli salad, if you think it would help.

Gladys said...

Are these seals like the golden tickets in Willy Wonka? Cause I think an Ompa loompa ate mine.

JenJen said...

Jaysus VE I'm so sleepy I can't track this post at all. You're too smart for me.

Annie Ha said...

Boo Mondays.

tattytiara said...

That's the day I'll be kicking myself for not ordering cable.

Ronda Laveen said...

Revelations?

Ronda Laveen said...

Well, ya know, if the hold the end of the world on a Monday, no one will show up for it.

lime said...

on the upside i hear the 1/3 of the stars falling from the sky will make for one amazing meteor shower.

JennyMac said...

Your version of the news is much better than CNN.

Jaime said...

if the news sounded like this, i might actually watch it!

Chris C said...

From the spam comment likely to be gone any moment now:

"Reading this post makes me think back to that debate we had, and just how inseparable from electronics we have all become."

I know when the seals start being broken I will think back in longing for my IPhone.

Apocalypse? There's an app for that.

Chris C said...

And what about the first seal? There's some weird scripture about it in the Bible:

"And God, after many beers finally broke the first seal."

VE said...

Subby – Hopefully you have a wool hat…they hold out the sizzling for awhile…

Aladdinsane12 – Might as well tell campfire stories too…you know, about the time the Earth was still habitable…

Maureen – Ha! I “might” have been. Of course, I’m the guy with over 3,000 crayon boxes and before that I had over 6,000 beer cans so perhaps its really just me…

Nessa – Yes, but now all the seafood lovers and going to switch preferences to what you do love and there will be a short supply…

Gab – Can you actually “rot” in hell? I always thought the heat would prevent rotting…

Unfinished rambler – Yes, I love a recap and analysis. Could you do so for the other 918 blog posts I have? ;) Actually, I loved Avatar (well, I wasn’t big on all the typical military stuff). I knew about the movie years ago and I knew it would be the biggest selling movie even back then. James Cameron knows how to make and sell a movie. He did the same trick with Titanic…but it out over the holidays and then if it takes off, there are no blockbusters to stop it through the months of Jan/Feb…smart…

Janna – Glad somebody caught that…

Janna – The brimstone was too rare and was sold on ebay. Sulpher had to go too because the Old Faithful geyser needed it…

Gladys – I’m really not an expert on seals. Perhaps somebody at Sea World?

Jenjen – Did you just call me a smartypants?

Annie ha – Unless you don’t work…like me…yeah Mondays…

Tattytiara – That’s the day they’ll finally get around to installing…

Ronda – I wouldn’t…

Lime – My luck…it would be cloudy that evening…

JennyMac – They’re such sensationalists…I like to report only facts…

Jaime – It’s all depressing anyway…might as well take it to the extreme…

Chris – Yep…I’ll be deleting all those spam comments. It’s a bunch of extra work but I don’t like them on my blog.

Chris – I wonder if God drank a light beer or not…”let there be light…” ha! Good one…