Friday, February 05, 2010

I Don't Know Why These Things Happen

Fortunately this blog is about fantastical nonsense because there is plenty of nonsense right in my very own kitchen. I don’t claim to know how these things work; they just do. So let’s highlight them…

Dried Cereal and Milk. Ever leave your cereal bowl somewhere without rinsing it or soaking it? That’s right; forget about Superglue, this stuff is way tougher. You will not get it off. If fact, next time I have to glue together my Hallmark Jeffery Dahmer Christmas ornament (from their classic “meat eaters” collection set) I’m going to throw some milk and Frosted Flakes on it. That sucker will NEVER break there again.

Pasta residue. Hey, I love spaghetti and it’s pretty damn simple to make but what is up with the gooey, slimy residue that the pasta leaves all over the draining bowl (I call it that because I can’t ever remember the name of that damn thing…it’s called a calendar or something like that)? Anyway, you’re cleaning up after dinner and you think you’ve washed it but Nooooo. It still looks like the movie Alien where there’s sticky slime all over it. And that crap doesn’t wash off easy. Oh, and heaven forbid you should leave it because it too is in contention for “bonding of the year” award.

Burnt soup in a pan. If you’re like me and cook your Campbell’s soup in pan using milk for tomato soup because then it doesn’t taste like some watered-down airline tomato juice drink then you know where I’m going with this one. Sure, soup is easy to make on the whole. But when you’re impatient like me and you put the burner on high to short cut the cooking process and then you get preoccupied with counting the hairs on your arm and forget that you need to stir occasionally….yep…burnt soup at the bottom.

The key here is to then not even touch the bottom. Just stir everything but the bottom if you’ve already burnt it because otherwise you’ll be having chunky tomato soup! Once you’ve poured the salvageable soup into a bowl (and yes, guys, you’ll have to use a bowl then, not just the pan) be absolutely sure to let the bowl soak for a month or two.

“Honey, I accidentally burned my soup. Don’t worry. I’ve already started the soaking process.”

“How many hairs did you count?”

“A new record…42”

“Dang it, I needed that pot next week. You’ve now got three of our pots in various stages of the soaking removal process.”

“My record for that is four…it’s going to be hard to beat unless I get the crock pot and frying pan involved.”

59 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Shit happens, what can we say. We just have to put up with it.

God bless.

Mrsupole said...

Oh, I almost forgot the thingy is called a colander.

And an easy trick for cleaning burnt food in a pan is to put one of those fabric softener sheets in the pan while you are soaking it. Somehow it softens up the burnt crud and makes it easier to scrub. I am not sure if just putting liquid fabric softener works the same way, but it seems like it would. And maybe it would work for the cereal and the pasta crap too.

G B.

Maureen said...

Yep, colander or strainer...

And there is something VERY disturbing about a Frosted Flakes Jeffery Dahmer.

Wow, I used the word "disturbing" for two posts in a row.

Careful. They just may include you in the next Hallmark Disturbing Bloggers Series.

Deb said...

I just lost a crock pot to a batch of hamburger stew. It had simmered over the top. I didn't have room to soak it next to the burnt soup pot, scummy calendar and Fosted Flakes bowl so I chucked it.

UberGrumpy said...

Try burnt-on milk.

Don't get me started

subby said...

Any true hard-core cereal eater doesn't leave any milk or cereal behind :P

That slimy pasta stuff is starch. Now you won't need any Niagra spray for those shirts~HA!

Heh, heh...my step-mother could burn water!!!

subby said...

Oh yeah...and when you can't rinse it out...Brillo it out!

Quirkyloon said...

My bane? Melted cheese soaking in water. When you try to wash that stuff off?

I gag.

Truly, I do.

subby said...

@Quirkyloon, or egg, or oatmeal...yuck!

The Incredible Woody said...

This is why I only use non-stick pans. Otherwise I wouldn't have anything to cook in!

Roy Scribner said...

You can expedite the dried cereal curing process by placing the bowl in a bad dishwasher. Be sure to use a hot drying cycle, for best results.

Elizabeth said...

That's what dogs are for ;)

Kurt said...

Recently, I was making oatmeal and forgot the pot of water w/raisins boiling on the stove. A smell brought me running back into the kitchen - the raisins were burnt to the bottom. I soaked the pot in water and was able to remove the black residue with... cleanser. It works. Oh, and after the burnt raisins had soaked in the water, they looked like they might be tasty, so I ate one. Then I ate them all. Ummmmm, burnt raisins.

Gladys said...

I believe that milk and oatmeal that has been left in the bowl for more than 5 minutes is actually what they build those tilt wall buildings out of and not concrete. I one time wrote the city of L.A. and suggested they used oatmeal to fill the pot holes instead of that sludge that dissolves with the first rain.

Oh and I us PAM to coat my pan before I cook soup and the burnt soup comes right out. That PAM sure is a handy girl to have around.

freetheunicorns said...

Usually I just let the dog have a go at it. Sometimes that helps get rid of some of the mess. Having said that, if a dog can't clean it, damn that's a serious mess. And that's when I resort to the soaking it for 3 days method of cleaning.

VE said...

Mrsupole – A better trick is to call for food to be delivered!

Maureen – It must be disturbing week here at the nonsense…

Deb – A crock pot is a terrible thing to waste…

Ubergrumpy – Welcome. I agree…That’s why their slogan isn’t “Got Burnt Milk?”

Subby – True…but the kids are only cereal eaters in training…

Quirkyloon – Plus, it doesn’t have that cheesy flavor anymore when you eat it from the sink soak… ;)

Subby – Yeah, the oatmeal tastes so watered-down then…

Incredible woody – I use non-stick too…it’s called home delivery from my local Thai restaurant…

Roy – Ha! Good call. Has that glazed on feeling like it just came out of the foundry…

Elizabeth – Except you’re responsible for what comes out the other end. It’s a wash…

Kurt – Excellent! I’m glad you stood up and confessed that…

Gladys – I like the pot hole idea. I think I’ll go experiment…

Freetheunicorns – The key is just to let things soak. Meanwhile, you just buy more cooking wear…

CatLadyLarew said...

Around here, Vlad's cereal bowls somehow get stuck to the counter and are damned hard to pry off. I keep waiting for the laminate to come up with it!

Jill said...

There is thing called "TAKE OUT" skip the soup and the cereal.

Nessa said...

I get in trouble for counting hairs when I should be cooking. But it is my evil plan to get out of cooking. Yes, folks, it works. Mwah, ah, ah!

Flash 55 - Buried Secrets

Jennifer said...

oh!
Dear pick and flick (yeah, I read that shit, gross),
The starchy residue on the colander (bowl with holes) is a bitch to get off,
ha.
I didn't realize that was funny.
HAHAHAHA.
TGIF

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Oh your poor, poor wife.

nursemyra said...

I think it would be easier to not let you near a kitchen

VE said...

Catladylarew – Ha! I know how that is. We had a pot lid that got stuck on our granite countertop and it was like “be the one to take the lid from the stone…he shall be king…” sort of event. I couldn’t believe how hard it was to pull off. But in the end, I was king…well…for an hour…

Jill – True. Great advice that I aspire to. The cereal is a tough one. Nothing can come between me and my Cocoa Puffs…

Nessa – Ah, the old “I suck so bad I should be taken from the kitchen” ploy. Men know this trick and we are not fooled…

Jennifer – Ha! Well…I thought it was funny. And that holy thing, that colander…I never saw one in church…

Perpetual chocoholic – Don’t worry, she’s taking therapy and injections for it…

Nursemyra – Yes…my ploy has worked!

Kasha said...

I hear you on the soaking process. What a sassy blog. I am loving it. I reallllly love the post "If teens wrote our classics." That is a must read. Jane Eyre is my favorite piece of literature actually.
Kasha
http://www.trainingboerboels.blogspot.com

otin said...

Oatmeal is the worst! You can cut your hand on dried oatmeal!

VE said...

kasha - Welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed the posts. Don't worry, the gnomes only bite lurkers, not commenters...

otin - Funny you should say that...I shaved with a big dry lump this morning...

The Silver Fox said...

In relation to your pasta entry... Ever put leftover pasta and sauce in a clear plastic container? Other than soaking that with bleach for about a month, how are you supposed to get the sauce stains off the container?

Baino said...

God tell me about cereal bowls! My daughter never rinses hers out and it requires soaking for a day to unstick the special K. The worst is pea and ham soup. I always burn the bottom.

VE said...

silver fox - So true...you can tell which ones were used for pasta for about 100 years after you've done so...

baino - Special K...as in "Kan't remove"?

Janna said...

Over the years, I've developed the perfect method where I never have to do any dishes.
Ever.
Zero.

Never cook on the stovetop anymore. At all. Only use the microwave and the oven.
Line all oven pans with aluminum foil. After baking, just wad up the aluminum foil and throw it away. Voila! The pan is still brand new underneath.

Only use paper plates and/or disposable bowls and plastic silverware. Feel the giddy joy of throwing them away when you're done, knowing that there is no sink full of dirty dishes.

It's very liberating.
Trashy, but liberating.
I can live with that.

ryan field said...

LOL...This is why I stick to clear broth. And even then it's the microwave. I haven't touched that big hot thing in the middle of the kitchen in months.

Carla said...

Where would I be if I didn't have you around to crack the whip?

Secretia said...

What the hell does make cereal stick to the bowl like that?
Makes me afraid to eat it.

Secretia

Annie Ha said...

I call it a strainer.

Jaime said...

just buy more pans and bowls. then it won't matter what stage of the desoaking process you're in.

kind of like those annoying people in college who never wanted to do laundry, so they just went out and bought more underwear.

secret agent woman said...

I can't tell you how many times I've lectured the kids about rinsing cereal bowls because of the cement problem.

(You might try rinsing the colander right away or sticking it in the dishwasher.)

Chris C said...

One of my least faves is dried-up ketchup. I often make my own breakfast (including home fries) and ketchup is a must. That stuff is stronger then glue if I get lazy and don't rinse the plates right after eating.

Mrsupole said...

You know I could not resist following Chris C again, gee and no planning involved.

But yes, he is right about Ketchup, if you do not rinse it off the plate right away, you need to soak the plate for a few days and then scrub and scrub.

GB.

subby said...

Agreeing with Mrsupole and Chris C...ketchup si even difficult to remove when it hasn't dried up! Where's the fire-hose?

The Silver Fox said...

Ahhh, I can see it now! The title of this blog is changed to "VE's Household Hints!"

Beth said...

It’s the milk, it’s the damned milk – and our impatience.

carlae said...

My husband said to me last night as we prepared dinner. "I need to buy another new pan, don't I?"

VE said...

Ryan – Months? Nice…I commend your dedication to avoidance. I get fixated on cheesy eggs and toast for breakfast on occasion but I have it down to a science that takes only 5 minutes with prep and clean up…

Carla – The gnomes don’t tolerate procrastination! That’s why I can never seem to slack off on the blog…

Secretia – Thinking about it like that…yeah, it doesn’t sound appetizing. Of course, it won’t stop me from snacking on my Cocoa Puffs…

Annie ha – Well that’s fitting because it strains me to clean it…

Jaime – Excellent idea. In fact, I’d just buy more new clothes every day if I could afford it and if I didn’t hate shopping for clothes…

Secret agent woman – That’s exactly what I do with the calendar-thingy. But even still I sometimes try to rush cleaning it and there’s still that goo left on it…

Chris c – Yeah, that stuff is bad. I’ve peeled it off something before like it was a living entity…

Mrsupole – He’s getting a restraining order for you…

Subby – You had a fire hose installed in your kitchen too? My motto is “the more pressure the less work…”

Silver fox – I’m not going to wear an apron though. You can’t make me, you can’t make me…

Beth – Impatience seems to be the key for me. The milk is required and I just can’t blame the cow…she’s been through enough!

The Silver Fox said...

[immediately cut to medium close-up shot of VE wearing apron]

Janna said...

It's ok. I'm sure you skipped me because you're busy in the kitchen, trying out my awesome ideas.
I forgot to mention you can also make a hat out of the aluminum foil so the aliens can't read your thoughts.

VE said...

janna - Whoops...sorry about that. It seems you have done the scientific study on all things aluminum...should I call you Jannalunimum now?

silver fox - Doh!

Sarah said...

Burnt soup....similar result when burning a pan full of marshmellows. Not pretty!!!

ryan field said...

"I commend your dedication to avoidance."

It's an art form :)

Uncivil said...

Try this http://www.barkeepersfriend.com/

Serena said...

If I didn't know better, I'd think you've been snooping around my kitchen.:)

CatLadyLarew said...

You only got to be king for an hour after pulling the pot lid from the granite? You were robbed!

subby said...

VE, pressure tested to 700psi. If that don't work I can get the neighbour's dog to clean it!

gab said...

mines called the strainer here lol. I know its a Colander but I like strainer after all thats what we do is strain the stuff. I had heard that if you used cooking oil in the water to keep the noodles from sticking you wouldnt have that slime.....right its worse when you use cooking oil and the noodles still stick!!

Uncivil said...

Sounds like you would fork up a soup sandwich?

VE said...

Sarah – Oh yeah…good call…what a mess. That’s why I build a campfire in the kitchen when I have to deal with marshmallows…

Ryan – I agree

Uncivil – Oh, when you said bar keeper’s friend I thought you were trying to set me up with a blind date…

Serena – Already employ the month long soaking process, eh?

Catladylarew – I know…it’s tough to stay king these days…

Subby – Sounds like a dog is the best advice. Which breed doesn’t poop?

Gab – I think the term strainer is most appropriate…

Uncivil – Fork-in-A!

Dee said...

you rinse your pasta? serve it asap then no rinsing required. If you rinse then all the lovely sauce falls off the noodles.

VE said...

dee - No, I don't rinse them. I pour the boiling water the past is in all into that calendar strainer thingy and then let the water run out so I just have the pasta. Then, I put the pasta back in the pan or a serving dish and deal with the sauce. However, that strainer thing is then a mess!

lime said...

i am convinced the cereal bowl left in a teens room is akin to the primoridal soup out of which new life spawns.

VE said...

lime - That might be where our replacement species comes from...