Sunday, March 14, 2010

There is no "E" in Harmony

Ever seen the eHarmony ads on TV? You know, the Internet dating ones. That’s right, they think they are sooooo superior. Let’s explore what that “e” stands for…

Estrogen

Careful guys, that e actually means that they subject you to 62,932 levels of compatibility to ensure that you feel inferior to everyone on the planet. Only a woman could devise such a devious method of finding a mate. They’ll ask you questions like

“You’re deep in the woods in Alaska and the weather is starting to turn for the worst. You have one shot in your rifle. A young deer comes into your site. Do you shoot the deer to survive?”

Of course then they’ll analyze that and categorize you as a “survivalist”, a “meat eater” and a person of low morals. Nice…

Expensive

Not only do you get to take all of their questions but also they charge an arm and a let to find that “perfect” person. It’s worth it to find that lifetime special someone, right? Think again. You’re still going to go through the endless “interview” dates and get checked against “the list” that every female has.

“The List” is a checklist of faults they’re looking for. Things they don’t want to repeat. The list starts off simple with some things that are probably important: Must not live on the street, must not still live with his mom, must not be a criminal, must be from this planet. You know; the deal breakers.

But somewhere women start adding to the list: Has to make a billion dollars, can’t drive a green car, has to be able to cuddle for five hours on the weekend, must ride up on white horse for first date. You name it, they’ll have it on “the list” and you’ll be penalized right from the get go.

Oh, and it’s not to say that men don’t have a list too: Must have a reasonable knowledge of sports, must put out by date five, must not have more baggage than the airport, must be able to cook…the usual stuff.

Eww

The problem with eHarmony is their process. Even if I could tolerate the compatibility exercise and get to finding dates, I’m still subjected to the order of things on there. First they find the women for you. That's sort of like a virtual chaperone that introduces you to your blind date.

Next, before you can see a picture of them, you have to do this stupid “cordial” thing where you ask a set of questions from a canned list and they do so as well. THEN you finally get to see a picture of them and find out they’ve just selected a lovely mutant as your perfect partner. I did 72 dates on the Internet across six different internet dating sites but I can say that I’ve never had a date from eHarmony. They never selected anyone I was remotely attracted to.



That's right, they match me with "Becky" and then tell me our core values are an identical match. Gee...don't I feel shallow when I delete the invite...

30 comments:

Mrsupole said...

I am not in a harmoniusly mood anymore. Ewwwwwwww.

God bless.

subby said...

Sad, sad, sad...

Beth said...

What ever happened to opposites attract??

Collette said...

Being from this planet is only important because of the cost of travel nowadays. If he's got a billion dollars, then he can afford to live out of this world, I guess:)

Quirkyloon said...

"Do you shoot the deer to survive?"

That's just not enough info to go on to make a choice. I would need more info like:

"Once you've killed the deer, can you skin it and make a nice cape for your sweetheart?"

and

"Will there be barbecue sauce to eat the meat with?"

Once I had these important answers, then I could make an informed decision.

sharonheg said...

I know someone who used eHarmony who was matched with, and went out on a date with someone else I knew on eHarmony. They SOOO didn't match each other. SOOOO not. Like to the point of, "They matched you up with HIM? Were they CRAZY? LOLOL!"

Karen said...

eHarmony is a high end online dating site.

Sounds like you should do the Match.com 7 day free trial and then cancel at the end. You can freely browse the profiles without having to go through the 69,385 step process

:)

The Incredible Woody said...

Sounds like somebody has a lot of experience with the whole online dating thing.

Elizabeth said...

I think it's good for shy people. I have some friends who met on line and have been married for quite a while. But I don't know how many dates they went through to find each other.

Brian o vretanos said...

Of course I wouldn't shoot the deer, since there's no way I'd no how to cook it in the middle of an Alaskan forest - I can barely work a microwave.

And not being American, I wouldn't be any good with the gun - I'd be as likely to shoot my foot as the deer.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

She's a looker;-)

I'd shoot the deer myself if I were hungry enough.

CatLadyLarew said...

Yeah... I tried eHarmony once... not a single match in two months. Of course, I do resemble Becky somewhat, so maybe that explains it.

ReformingGeek said...

YIKES! I'm glad you didn't shoot yourself.

I don't think I'd be patient enough to go through the entire process. If something happens to the one I have, I may just stick my head in the sand.

I love your half-sister photo!

Janna said...

But you DO at least own a white horse, don't you?

... Don't you?

sarah said...

aw c'mon....becky looks delish!

Megan said...

I'm supposed to have a list?

aladdinsane12 said...

poor becky- i'm sure she has a LOVELY personality!

and i could never do online dating. i would keep thinking everyone was a serial killer.

Janna said...

BTW, my comment would have been longer but I'm busy making my list.

Jaime said...

"becky" looks remarkably like a girl i clerked with. the resemblance is really scary

JenJen said...

oh well, I...I'm at a loss for words...

VE said...

Mrsupole – Bang, right from the start…my first ewww! Awesome…

Subby – Bamboozled again…

Beth – They all killed each other…

Collette – I hate to travel light years for a date…my fashions always go out of style before I get there

Quirkyloon – These are important sub-questions but sometimes you have to decide without full information…

Sharonheg – I knew it…

Karen – I don’t need to but thanks…found the wifey-poo on perfect match a couple years ago…

Incredible woody – Oh yes, it was my life for 14 months…

Elizabeth – I agree…but I think daters should make their own informed decisions…eHarmony puts up too many road barriers…

Brian – I’d starve like that kid in the movie “Into the Wild” too. Oh, and for the record, I’d be no good with a gun and I am an American…

Perpetual chocoholic – Even better if you came across a wild chocolate out there…

Catladylarew – The first time I took their application they said I wasn’t compatible enough to sign up!

Reforminggeek – My half sister is always getting into trouble…

Janna – Of course...I don’t use scented girly wash either!

Sarah – I’m sure there’s a man out there for Becky…just not me…

Megan – Boy, you better start making one…it’s a requirement!

Aladdinsane12 – That’s why you forever go on Starbuck’s dates at first…safer

Gladys said...

Do they have e-harmony for dogs? Oh wait that is what E-Harmony is isn't it?

Never did on-line dating unless you count standing on-line to get into Star Wars (yes the first one when it originally came out) and getting hit on by the nerdiest guy I'd ever seen.

I should have gone out with him. He ended up inventing some software program for the film industry and is a bazillionare now.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Everybody knows there's no such thing as wild chocolate. They've all been tamed!

The Silver Fox said...

I don't blame you for turning down Becky. I don't like her t-shirt, either.

mama-face said...

Ugly girls need love too.

gab said...

Ive never had to use one of those dating site but i just got to tell you this.
Our daughter has 4 boys(4 different dads too) anyways she decieded to try one of those dating things online. So she sat at my computer and filled it out. Then she waited. In the next couple days they had the perfect match. Her mouth dropped to the floor and she burst out laughing so hard she fell off the chair. I asked what was wrong and she told me to come look and low and behold what did I see? Her perfect match........was her older brother.

Roy Scribner said...

Hey, if I wanted to find someone who was compatible with me I'd look in the mirror! Heeeeey, I'm kinda sweet lookin'...

secret agent woman said...

Actually, it's a man who designed that whole compatibility test thing. And yes, it's pricey. But it does offer a degree of privacy you don't get on other sites. Besides, you can bypass the whole canned questions thing by sending an email. I'm not shilling for eHarmony, I just think all the sites have their problems. And yes, they've matched me with some doozies, too.

Janna said...

Ok, I'm done with my list.
You need to love chocolate and BBQ ribs, but not at the same time. You also need to be able to play at least one instrument in a symphony orchestra. In addition to that, you have to pass a spelling test... and it would also be excellent if you owned a spaceship.
Being able to speak Russian and cook perfect risotto is a definite bonus.

Anyone out there?

Hello?

здравствуйте?

VE said...

Gladys - Dogs don’t need eharmony…just a good butt sniff!

Perpetual chocoholic – Damn…are you sure deep in a crater in Borneo there isn’t some?

Silver fox – Yes…dinosaurs are so 50 million years ago…

Mama-face – They do…but not from me…I’m shallow that way…I’ve got the wifey-poo now anyway, no thanks to them…

Gab – Perfect…and here I thought that was only the Arkansas dating site…

Roy – Now THAT is California talk! Ha!

Secret agent woman – Figures. So, you were on there, eh? I used to have women on match dot com sneak on to email me because they’d turned their profile off and were only using it to find interesting men they wanted to meet and then they’d turn it on at a set time so I could see their profile long enough to warrant a decision on whether to actually meet them. Crazy…

Janna – Well, I haven’t spoken Russian…but I’ve been there and spoken to them. Does that count? Oh, and I can play cowbell…