Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Seven Dwarves Meme

I think it was Megan that started the Seven Dwarves Meme (although it might be called something else). Well...I don't know that she originated it but I was over at her sister's blog, Revolution, and she'd done her version of it and credited Megan for it.

Though most of you know how I feel about meme's, I thought it was a good format to share a few more ridiculous stories from my past. One thing about a meme from VE, it's not going to be your average event! So, while very wordy...enjoy the nonsense that has been my life...

DOC

Back in 1984 I was in the Coast Guard and had to go up to the Madigan Army Hospital in Washington for some training. Since I was there by myself, I headed to the recreation hall to play some pool. I was living on the Coast in Oregon where the winters had terrible weather and nobody around. It left me lots of time to become a small time pool hustler. I was practicing at the Army base when a fight broke out at the table next to me. One of the guys took his pool cue and swung it at the other but instead of hitting him, he hit me full force across the nose and shattered it. I woke up in surgery under local anesthesia with a doctor wondering if it was ok that I was looking around while they reconstructed my nose. I fell back asleep and later woke up when they were about to pack my nose with cotton. The procedure basically involves stuffing my nose clear up to my brain. Of course, that’s ok when they numb the upper nasal cavity following surgery. However, my doctor forgot to do the numbing part and so when they shoved that stuff up there, I went through the roof. On the grand scale of pain (and I’ve had a LOT of painful experiences), this still ranks #1. The next thing I remember was in the hospital wing where all the motorcycle accident patients were. They all had hideous looking devices aimed at repairing their shattered legs or arms. To this day I have avoided any possibility of riding a motorcycle.

GRUMPY

By nature I am rarely grumpy but there are times that even test my limits. Take my episode when I used poison oak as toilet paper on accident. I was entertaining an unknown friend from Allentown, PA who I only knew through the internet. We were spending a week in the forests of Oregon and California looking for old beer cans (I used to collect them and the old ones were both rare and valuable and you could find them buried or tossed in the forest around campgrounds). Everything seemed to go wrong on this trip. It was his first trip outside of PA and he was woefully unprepared for the mountains and forests we have here. He lost his wallet somewhere during our first day out and I only had enough money left on me for a pack of hot dogs and some chips and we sustained ourselves on that for four days. Meanwhile, I’d taken a crap and forgot the TP and used various “leaves” to finish the job. Needless to say, some of the leaves were poison oak and I proceeded to spread it everywhere on my body so by the third day, I was covered in the stuff over 60% of my body and the itching was monumental to contain. I barely got any sleep and my collecting partner for the week was miffed that I was moving so slow. Finally, when one of my eyes had swollen shut I’d reached my grumpy max and proceeded to head back home (a day early). Nothing was said between us but we didn’t keep in contact near as much after he left back to PA.

HAPPY

Perhaps one of my happiest times was when I was single and had two months off after getting out of the Coast Guard. I was in California staying at my best friend’s house and had nothing to do except kill time until school started in September. We’d go out and party and do things after work and in the evening on week days and then I’d end up crawling over to the pool to sleep in the lawn chairs until about 2pm and then I’d shower, eat and repeat the cycle. It was so relaxing sleeping under the sun. I looked like a frickin’ Jamaican I was so dark that summer. It was also the summer I got into a high speed chase with the police and didn’t get arrested or ticketed thanks to some Oscar winning BS at the time. White water rafting in the mountains, getting kicked out of water parks, cruising the boulevard and just having a good time with absolutely no worries at all. Yes, that was a happy time.

SLEEPY

When I broke my arm in 5 places and had it flopping around like a fish, it was quite painful. I spent two hours without pain meds before getting morphine and then going into surgery to have plates attached to make it an actual arm again. After surgery I went from Morphine to Percocet and finally to Vicodin. I’m a medication lightweight. I can take half what normal people take and still have it act twice as strong. So while I was on Percocet I would just end up in a drooling stupor unless I took a partial amount in which case left me in a lot of pain. When I finally got off the Vicodin, I had developed an addiction. Apparently 5% of the population get addicted to their medication even though pain is involved. Pain, you see, eliminates the addiction for most people. So when I stopped all the medication I went through full-on withdrawal symptoms. I couldn’t sleep. The first night I stayed up all night and cleaned and organized the entire house. Everything. My wife thought it was a miracle. I went to work the next day and worked as normal but began to get more and more “twitchy”. The second night without sleep I was so nervous and twitchy that I couldn’t actually do anything. I just did laps in the living room because I couldn’t stay still. I actually hoped I’d just pass out but that didn’t happen. So the third day without sleep I went to work and proceeded to be very twitchy, mostly incomprehensible and then started hallucinating. My co-workers freaked out and had my boss drive me to my doctor where he gave me yet more medicine. This time it worked. I hadn’t slept for 67 hours and I never did catch up on any of that sleep.

BASHFUL

I was fairly bashful toward women until I took my two month trip to tour Europe (at which time I learned that attitudes were different there). I was 19 and my friend had scored us dates with some 22 year olds. It was the first time I’d ended up with the better of the two and my friend Kirk wasn’t happy about the situation. Nevertheless, we took our dates up to the lookout to make out. Of course, since I had the VW Beetle, there wasn’t much room in the back of the car so I had worked out a strategy of putting the front seats all the way reclined (which was nearly flat) and then removed my stick shift (yes, we had manual stick shifters back then) and suddenly there was a lot more room. Of course, wouldn’t you know it…just as soon as things were getting really interesting the police showed up and tapped on the window. Luckily we didn’t have any alcohol or drugs at the time. Still, half naked couples rarely like to get caught and we weren’t happy about the situation. We were told to leave immediately. Of course, I panicked and tried to leave a little too immediately…forgetting to put the stick shift back on and wondering why the car wasn’t working. It was then I was administered the breath test…

SNEEZY

I sneeze twice…always. W ell, except once when I sneezed a third time. That in and of itself isn’t a big deal except that since I knew I always sneezed two times, the first two were covered up as discreetly as I could because I never stifle a sneeze and I tend to sneeze LOUD! Well, we were at a part and there were a fair amount of drugs around. We weren’t privy to them but we wanted to hang out just the same. Naturally, that third sneeze came not only by surprise but also when I was sitting in a chair overlooking the coffee table which had a fair amount of somebody's cocaine lying on it. Yeah, you guessed it…my sneeze sent the stuff all over the room. While they didn’t kill us that night…we weren’t invited into that group of people after that.

DOPEY

I’m always dopey in some way, shape or form. But I was at one of my dopiest as a teen when I was introduced to some pot. Of course, my friend and I were doing our usual cruising in my VW Bug. We’d spent part of the evening getting chased by some guys with bats in another car who we’d pissed off just to have something to do. That was our routine….piss off somebody, have them chase us around town and then ditch them on a road with a really tight turn that bigger cars couldn’t physically make (because of two strategically placed trees). It allowed us to cross over a new freeway they were constructing and into another neighborhood far away from where we left them. Strangely, we did this all the time and then went cruising again the next night without any one of the cars ever remembering the VW bug. It’s strange because a custom orange VW bug tends to stick out. Anyway, after ditching and smoking some pot, we were stoned and somehow after a rain shower my wipers wouldn’t turn off. I freaked out. I was sure that we couldn’t stop and do anything because stopping didn’t stop the wipers and it would drain the battery. I ended up going to my Dad’s house to have him check the wipers. With a pot cloud billowing out of the car as he stepped in to see what was wrong, I can only imagine what he was thinking. Of course, at the time it never occurred to me he would suspect anything…yeah, we were THAT stoned. It turns out all that had happened was I had twisted the wiper knob loose and it just had to be screwed back on and then it worked. D’oh!

25 comments:

Mrsupole said...

Dang VE, when you do a meme you DO a meme. This thing will take me an hour to read. So I will be BTW in about an hour. And yes Megan did this meme but hers was a little shorter or was it. Oh well, BTR.

God bless.

Subby said...

OUCHIES on the arm! Mom takes the hydrocodone ( generic vicodin ) for her post-surgery pain...it doesn't always work tho'...

Subby said...

So far as I know, nobody can out-sneeze me. My record is seven...and no powder...ever...!

I'm also quite loud when sneezing...er...um...

Beth said...

Sneezy and Snow White - what an appropriate combination!

CatLadyLarew said...

Next thing we know, VE, you'll be telling us about the Three Memes.

The Incredible Woody said...

My husband always sneezes three times.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Okay, this one is going to take me a few days to read. I'll be back.

Roy Scribner said...

I was just over at your dad's blog and he's writing about the time he was really stoned and his son came home with broken wipers...

VE said...

Mrsupole – I guess I felt a bit wordy today…

Subby – I won’t be taking any of those things anytime soon. I can’t manage more than three sneezes if my life depended on it. You got me there…

Beth – It wasn’t the Disney version by any means…

Catladylarew – Well, I know about these three blind memes…

Incredible woody – Sure, just had to one-up me!

Perpetual chocoholic – Take your time, have some hot chocolate, I’ll be waiting…

Roy – Ha! Wouldn’t that be funny…

ReformingGeek said...

Oh, VE. I'm so glad I'm not you!

My nose and arm are now hurting and I feel a sneeze or three coming on so thanks for that.

Great post!

sharonheg said...

Wow, what a life! And what a post! SO glad I don't do meme's, LOL!

California Girl said...

Clever, funny, entertaining...just like you! Enjoyed it immensely; especially the story in the VW where the cops came & you were romantically gettin' it on and they administered the breath test. That sounds like an SNL skit.

Elizabeth said...

How in the world did you get out of a high speed chase with the police without even a ticket??

Megan said...

Yay! My meme lives on!

Dang, man, you really went to town with this.

And how the heck are you still alive?!? Talk about Danger-Prone Daphne!

Mrsupole said...

Not sure what happened, I was reading it and writing comments with each Dwarf, then the computer shut down. Got it back up now and everything is wiped out.

Anyway you are lucky that your pain stopped. I guess I will be taking my Vic's forever or until I die which ever one comes first. And hey if they make Maryjane legal down here then you can come visit, and we'll have a toke or two or three or four and more, which ever comes first too. Oh okay, maybe I will not share, but hey at least I am offering to share. Although if you wanted any right now you can still get it just about anywhere here. What is that smell I am smelling coming from the neighbor's house, oh okay it is just barbeque. Been so long I forgot what the stuff smells like. Seriously you should never drive and toke. What were you thinking? Did you not hear that toking and driving do not mix. I know, trust me on this. One can do all those things if one wants to, but just screw up your own life and not anyone elses. Same thing with me taking my Vic. Vic and driving do not mix. I get out of going everywhere by just saying that I just took a Vic and cannot drive. And everyone thinks I am such a responsible person by doing this. And yes I am, come to think of it.

And sorry you got hooked and I guess I am doing okay to go from 4 Vic's a day back down to one a day. Although I wonder if that is why I have been twitching so much the past few months. I need a glass of wine right now. What is it called when you mix it with Strawberry Lemonade?

Well now that I have made a commment about as long as your post, I had better stop writing. Chug, chug.

God bless.

PS...loved all the different stories, they were great.

VE said...

Reforminggeek – That is something so many have told me before!

Sharonheg – In some ways, everyone should have stories like these…it adds a lot of character and wisdom to life…then again, you have to endure a lot of pain in the process…

California girl – Aww…thanks. I’m at the point in life when telling all my ridiculous antics and embarrassing predicaments is fine with me…

Elizabeth – I turned off to an off ramp just as they were catching up to me on the freeway. You see, I had a tremendous head start on them but despite going a 100mph they still caught up. By the time they got closer I was already doing the speed limit and since they weren’t checking with radar and they were too excited to do the math, I played dumb about the whole ordeal; as if it were some big misunderstanding. Apparently I was a convincing debater. I should have been a lawyer…

Megan – It does! I think my super power is to suffer and live through these ridiculous situations. Most people have the common sense not to get into them in the first place…

Mrsupole – I hate when that happens. Actually…my pot smoking days were brief and long ago. Sure, it was dumb to drive stoned but we were pretty dumb back then. I was always the designated driver because I had the conscience to stay alert enough to be able to drive. I never had an accident as a result and I’m glad our stupidity stayed pretty innocent. Glad you enjoyed the stories…I’ve got a few more for the theme Thursday post too…

lime said...

single most painful moment of my life was having the ER guys pull my wedding band off before my wrist, which had a compound fracture, and my elbow which had been dislocated by about 6 inches had been set.

yes, this is when i became acquainted with the wonders of progressing from fentanyl, to percoset, to vicodin , to darvocet. this in turn led to some serious dopey behavior but fortunately not addiction.

Janna said...

Thoughts:

1. I simply MUST know what BS you used for getting out of the ticket after the high-speed chase. I'm utterly fascinated and enthralled. Do tell. Make a blog post out of it if you have to. Don't leave me hanging. I hate hanging.

2. Also curious about what kind of hallucinations you had during withdrawal. Did you see stuff? Hear stuff? What? Again, I'm fascinated and enthralled and all that stuff.

3. I don't really have a third thing to say; I just wanted to leave an extra-super-long comment to go with the extra long post. :)

4. Ok. I'll stop now. :)

VE said...

Lime – I know what you speak of. They had to cut my shirt off because I refused to let go of my arm which I held against my body to keep it from flopping around…

Janna – I had slowed down to within the speed limit by taking an exit off the freeway from the time I thought they were getting close enough to be able to prove we were in a chase. Having thwarted the whole high-speed-chase thing, I simply pulled over and played dumb about the whole ordeal. They really didn’t have me on any charges other than my friend getting into a scuffle with another guy back at the ice rink and since nobody was really hurt and nothing was damaged, they had nothing to cite me with because they didn’t have any evidence I had been going 100mph earlier. As for the hallucinations, they were like a swirl of various dreams and storylines in my imagination but were happening while I was awake and taking over my reality from lack of sleep and drug withdrawal effects…

aladdinsane12 said...

ha, you are SOOOO lucky that you didn't get a beating when you sneezed that cocaine everywhere! awesome story.

Jaime said...

what did you do to yourself to break your arm in 5 places??? another traveling accident?

VE said...

aladdinsane12 - I feel lucky...I think...perhaps I wouldn't have had some many other mishaps had they beat me up early on...

jaime - I caught a for-sale sign that was laying across the sidewalk while I was rollerblading at lunch and it threw me sideways and for whatever reason I landed on my arm really badly and it snapped in half (well, more than that actually...bone sticking out and all). Lots of fun...

Annie Ha said...

I like it!

The Silver Fox said...

Hm. I already did my sneezing post a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, did you grow up in the Northwest? Cuz your stories of stunts you pulled years ago makes you sound like several people I knew in my own younger days!

VE said...

annie ha - Excellent.

silver fox - I did grow up in the Northwest! Graduated from high school in '79!