Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Wacky Testimonials

I was looking at testimonials in a life-coaching program and came across this:

“I cannot dispute the results she helped me to obtain. She has empowered me to be #1 in sales volume and the top performer in my department for three years straight. I have exceeded all of my financial goals. I have three words for anyone contemplating engaging Ms. Greene’s consulting services: GO FOR IT!!!”

-Neil C., Nuclear Physicist/Salesperson

Now…being me…I had to stop and ponder just what a nuclear physicist is selling? Somehow I don’t think this is your typical door-to-door salesperson selling nuclear arms or power. I mean, my backyard is small and doesn’t have room for one of those huge Duncan Yo-Yo cement nuclear power thingys. Heck, there’s really not even enough room for a secret missile silo…and I’m very bummed about that.

So one has to ask themselves, how DO you sell things as a nuclear physicist? Do they have coupons? Can I get cheaper radioactive insurance as an add on? Will they provide any cool demonstrations? Can I buy a lead suit with it?

Oh...and also...do you really want a nuclear physicist to just "GO FOR IT"?...that mentality scares the hell out of me...these people should be conservatives in the extreme...

36 comments:

Subby said...

As one who lived not far from Three Mile Island when it...ah...had an accident; think I'll stay away from these guys...!

Subby said...

Just remembered that Playskool used to sell the "Glow-worm" toy...early product promotion, perhaps?

Subby said...

Oooooh! And (empty) missile silos can be had cheap ( tho' the gov't isn't responsible for the clean-up ).

Subby said...

Truth be known, you can absorb more radiation from the sun or a pack of smokes in one day, than I did in 3-1/2 years onboard a nuclear submarine. Gotta love that shielding :)

Subby said...

Maybe he was selling "nuclear medicine"? Y'now for sufferers of ARTS ( Aquired Radioactive Tension Syndrome )...just saying.

Subby said...

"Dawg 5 to Dawg Leader, I've got the target in sight but there's a slight problem, over!"

Dawg Leader to Dawg 5, what's the problem, over?"

"Dawg 5 to Dawg Leader, there's to many civilians down there, over!"

"Dawg Leader to Dawg 5 we still have to take the target...GO FOR IT!"

Makes ya wonder, wot?

Subby said...

You just know you're in trouble whn you tour a nuclear facility and the director's name is Professor Mel T. Down ~~HA!

Mrsupole said...

I saw Neil the other day and he told me he has sold more shoes then any other sales person since he engaged in Ms. Greene's consulting services. He was not surprised with how many pairs of shoes those hookers, huh, I mean hoofers, needed while working on the job. He said he mostly sells 5 inch Stilletos and very few flats.

Surprisingly he also told me about how his wife left him a few months after he became the sells leader in his field, and found out how some of the hoofers were paying him with their own consulting services.

Then he proceeded to tell me that it was not his fault that there were no jobs available in the field of his degree. He said that after the Cap and Trade Bill had passed, no one could afford to pay for any energy, and it seemed that since everyone had to hoof it around, that selling shoes to hookers, uh I mean hoofers, seemed like the logical way to go.

Neil then offered me a discount on a pair of shoes that I was thinking of purchasing, but after finding out that a hoofer had worn them only one time, I decided to decline the offer. I thought they might be bad luck because, well you know that if a hoofer only hoofed one time with them, then those shoes were not worth hoofing around in.

God bless.

Subby said...

Ve, if one ever comes a knockin' on your door, just tell 'im to "SCRAM!" or that you are in a "CRITICAL" moment...

CatLadyLarew said...

Thanks for the tip on the go-to guy for nuclear power!

The Incredible Woody said...

They should've claimed Neil was a rocket scientist. That would have made all the difference in the world!

Roy Scribner said...

Hmmm, I wonder what kind of ad slogan would work for a nuclear physicist?

"I'm Lovin' it!"

"Have you Met Life Today?"

"We love to see you smile!"

"Maybe she's born with it."

"When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight."

"Oh, what a feeling!"

"You got uranium in my chocolate!"

Okay, so I tailored that last one a bit.

freetheunicorns said...

I've got one for you Roy:

Melts in your intestines, not in your hands.

Personally, I think we could all use a little more uranium in our diets. And if someone comes to my house selling gas or pellets or whatever form it's in, I'm buying.

Maybe that way, I'll finally get some sort of super power.

Elizabeth said...

Subby- My husband was on a nuclear submarine too, from 1986-1989 or so.
And I agree VE, "Go For It" is not something I would want in a nuclear physicist!

Carla said...

Hmm...I wonder what county he's supplying. I'm sure the market is there, but that's the scary part.

Subby said...

@Elizabeth, I was a Torpedoman about the same time. Tell your hubby "thanks" from a fellow bubble-head ;)

Ya'll weren't stationed in Groton by chance?

Baino said...

Hate to join the chatline but . . . maybe he was a pharma sales man? Either that or an Australian selling yellow cake.

VE said...

Subby – That’s a good plan. You’ll see them coming though…they glow…

Subby – I wonder if they’ll branch out into glow-bras?

Subby – I’ve heard…but alas…none in my area (that I know of)

Subby – But you still had to eat the food…that should be enough damage!

Subby – Har!

Subby – Just goes to show…Ignorance is bliss

Subby – You’re on a roll today! You sure you’re not glowing?

Mrsupole – Now there’s a forward thinker! Ha…

Subby – I’m always in a critical moment…

Catladylarew – Just don’t hand him the red button…

Incredible woody – It would have. Even Elton John sang about them…

Roy – Ha! Two thumbs up from the gnomes. They want you to write my posts from now on…

Freetheunicorns – Everyone is in fine form today. Good one! I want a super power too…

Elizabeth – I had a friend on one too…he got to be a cameo when they filmed The Hunt for Red October…

Carla – Again…I don’t really want to know the details…

Subby – Does that mean I can call you a bubble-head too? How bobble-head? Bible-head? Oh, nevermind…

Baino – Is yellow cake better than chocolate cake?

Ronda Laveen said...

Without my glasses, I read your title as "Wacky Testicles." After reading about this guy, that title may well still apply.

Brian o vretanos said...

His career in nuclear physics didn't work out (after an unfortunate accident), so he became an encyclopaedia salesman instead. If you buy from him you'll save yourself a fortune in lighting bills, since the books he's handled glow in the dark for some reason.

ReformingGeek said...

Storage for nuclear materials?

YIKES!

Elizabeth said...

@VE, My husband's sub was used for that movie and some of his crew mates were extras. They must have been on the same submarine. Graham was on The Huston.

JenJen said...

I'm not actually a nuclear physicist but I do have a degree in physics, and? I say GO FOR IT all the fucking time. While I sell the pants off my competitors.

sharonheg said...

You see, (s)he isn't really a nuclear physicist. (S)he just plays one on TV...

Serena said...

I probably wouldn't buy what the nuclear physicist was selling, but I imagine his pitch would amuse me.

aladdinsane12 said...

ahaha, I never would have even noticed that! who is a nuclear physicist but doesn't make enough money, so they have to moonlight in sales?

Janna said...

Depending on what kind of scary moments the job has, you could sell:

(1) Life insurance

(2) Clean underwear

(3) T-shirts that say "I work with nuclear bombs. If you see me running, it's already too late."

(4) Bumper stickers that say "My other car is radioactive."

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

She's probably making a killing selling to certain countries that shall remain nameless.

Dennis the Vizsla said...

"Pssst, hey buddy, wanna buy a nuke?"

VE said...

Ronda – I picked up on that too…but didn’t say anything. You just had to go there…ha!

Brian – That seems viable…well…except the encyclopedia part…everybody knows the only encyclopedia these days is Wikipedia…and it’s free…

Reforminggeek – Is that why some homes have basements?

Elizabeth – Hmm…Perhaps they knew each other. My friend (Ralph) was an officer but I’m not sure what the name of his ship was…

Jenjen – How much do you get for those pants?

Sharonheg – Ah…that’s what it is…

Serena – And that’s not pitch that’s making his hands glow…

Aladdinsane12 – I guess times ARE tough…

Janna – Ha! Clean underwear is a priority!

Perpetual chocoholic – How do you know you’re in a nameless country if its nameless?

Dennis – Does it come with a 6 year powertrain warranty?

Jaime said...

whatever that nuclear physicist is selling, i'm not buying!

VE said...

jaime - Besides, who has several million laying around the house?

lime said...

ya know i had the very same reaction as i was reading this. good gravy that's just messed up in all sorts of ways.

VE said...

lime - This just proves ignorance IS bliss...

The Silver Fox said...

"[D]o you really want a nuclear physicist to just 'GO FOR IT'?...that mentality scares the hell out of me...these people should be conservatives in the extreme."

I know you meant conservative in its non-political sense, but I can think of at least one Conservative -- whose initials are S.P. -- who probably would go the nuclear "go for it" route if anyone ever handed her the reins of power.

VE said...

silver fox - Now that IS scary...