Sunday, May 30, 2010

999 is the new 666

Even Satan gets a makeover every so often. It’s a common myth that perhaps 999 is the really evil number, not 666. And of course, this happens to be my 999th blog post so why not feature Lucifer for a blog post. I’ve already got a nice duplex down in hell with a lovely brimstone lined yard and a view of the pit of despair waiting for me so where’s the real harm.

Let’s use our PR agent again to evaluate Satan’s new look…

PR Agent: Well Lucifer, I have to say that I don’t think this new image makeover works in today’s society

Satan: But I’m going for truly despicable here.

PR Agent: Yes, but you’re still thinking old school. Here, I’ve outlined what is wrong number by number.

1. You can’t go with the flesh eating Tyrannosaurus anymore. Try pigeons…they might not create fear but they create a lot of irk, they’re much cheaper to feed and they crap on queue…

2. The whole eyeless thing is interesting but ultimately a devious pair of eyes is much better.

3. The horns have got to go now. Everybody is horny these days and everyone knows it. Displaying it is cliché.

4. This three snaked tongue thingy only works with the tat and piercing groups and you already have their allegiance. Stick with a simple hideous tongue stud…

5. Here’s where you need updating. This whole cutting yourself thing was gone after the Sex Pistols joined you down under. You need to work on cutting souls, not skin!

6. Unless that’s made in China and filled with lead paint, your headless acupuncture voodoo doll won’t take off as a truly dangerous toy. You need more small parts that babies can chew off and choke on and you need more disgusting things that parents can complain about.

7. Snakes are so yesterday. Try cockroaches; they’re just as effective and they’ve been around longer than you

8. See…the whole misty/foggy thing was over after MTV stopped showing music videos. Duplexes and continuous rainy weather get people down now.

Satan: Thanks, can you give me a mockup of my new image?

PR Man: Sure…here you go:

Satan: Perfect.

27 comments:

jinksy said...

Number 6 got my attention...

CatLadyLarew said...

AAAAAAHHHHHH! Make the picture go away! The new devil is way scary than the old one.

CatLadyLarew said...

Oh... and see you in hell!

Cheryl said...

That jacket is making my eyes bleed. Make it go away!

Subby said...

Brilliant! Oh wait...this doesn't make me evil now, does it?

LMAO!!

00dozo said...

LOL! Very Luciferous.

Quirkyloon said...

Ooooooh, BURN!

SNAP!

What made you do this? Lemme guess: the devil made you do it, eh?

(I'm here all week.)

Serena said...

I hope you don't go to hell for this.:)

RA said...

Brilliant! :)

However...erm... you do know that a few years back some papyri written in Greek were found in Egypt, dating to the Greco-Roman period. When those were translated it turned out that the number of beast had been wrongly translated previously. The true and original number was 616. Bummer for those having tattooed it somewhere visible.... LOL

Baino said...

Love the new look except the stripey bouncy TV suit then that's one way to give your audience Hell!

Monkey Man said...

The new look is an improvement, but it still comes up short.

Roy Scribner said...

For 12 easy sessions on the E-Meter, at a reasonable monetary donation of course, we can expunge that image from your phyche.

ReformingGeek said...

Ha!

Cockroaches and evil eyes are a must!

I love the makeover.

Roy said...

Yup, that's my vision of perfect evil, too. But couldn't you just mention his name instead of inflicting us with the picture? My eyes are still hurting from that!

Elizabeth said...

So are you saying Satan is a Scientologist??

Brian o vretanos said...

616 looks a bit like "hiss" in Greek numerals (χις'), which seems appropriate somehow.

If you dial 999 in the UK you get through to the emergency services rather than Satan.

I'd have thought that as a capitalist, he'd be reachable via 1-800-BEAST.

Mrsupole said...

The new satan is a lot more scarier then the old satan, although maybe the old satan is controlling the new satan through his beliefs. I am not sure if Scientology is evil or the people who follow it are, but this picture is truly scary, and the way he controls "everything" about his wife shows that he is truly a satan follower. My problem is that she "lets" him control her as if he is so special and she is willing to give up her own beliefs to just be with that idiot.

It is so sad to watch a female give up her women's rights to just be with an women hater. I mean if he truly loved "her", then why would he want to CHANGE everything about her. I am really starting to hate that word "Change" in so many ways. Well except if they would change and lower our tax rates.

I do like the first picture better because if you look in the smoke and mist you will see Jesus on the cross which shows that at least there is still hope for humanity, while in the second pic there is nothing but an a-hole pointing his finger, trying to tell everyone to follow him to the gates of hell. Ugh, who gives a crap about what any actor or actress says. I am sick of them thinking that they are better then the rest of us, and I am even sicker of the people who "think" they are better then the rest of us.

The true hero is the man or woman who takes care of their family by working hard and being there to raise them. The ones who talk to their children, show them that they love them, and teach them the difference from right and wrong. The parents who teach their children to show respect for their fellow humans are the true heros in the world.

Dang it, I totally went off subject again.

@Subby,

I think you missed commenting on the last post and it being a George Carlin post at that.

God bless.

The Incredible Woody said...

I'm going to have nightmares now!!

sharonheg said...

Ayep...handbasket to go in or not, you are SO on your way there....

Subby said...

back @ Mrsupole, thanks! It just appeared in my reader about 4 hours ago, along with about 20 other "missing" posts! Thanks Blooger ( as I exit...swearing...profusely... )

Janna said...

That jacket almost looks like it's made out of anti-shark mesh.

Can we test my theory by throwing him to the sharks?

Please?

VE said...

Jinksy – Watch out for those toys! They’re killers…

Catladylarew – Yes…you can come over and enjoy my view of the pit of despair…its hot!

Cheryl – Leave it to Lucifer to pick a suit…and that suit of all things…

Subby – No…laughing at the devil doesn’t make you evil…just makes you have a sense of humor…

00dozo – A new word…I like it!

Quirkyloon – Of course…I tried to work in some zombies but you know the devil…it’s all about him (I’m here all year…again)

Serena – Ooops…too late…

Ra – D’oh! And that tattoo was right next to the one with Christopher Columbus discovering America…

Baino – It hurts the eyes…after looking at that suit…we’ll all be looking like that eyeless person in the before picture…

Monkey man – It’s ok, he lives forever so he’s got time to improve yet again…

Roy – Ha! Expunge…that’s just a weird word…

Reforminggeek – I’m not sure what color evil eyes are…

Roy – I’m not one to hold back on the shocking photos…most of my readers and begging me for “puppies and rainbows” after some of my photos…

Elizabeth – Sure, he loves science fiction!

Brian – I tried that number…they’re just selling something…oh wait, isn’t everyone…including Satan!

Mrsupole – Dang…you almost broke your own commenting record length! If only you’d changed it a little more… ;)

Incredible woody – Well that’s a risky business! ;)

Sharonheg – Sure am…already have to take vacations there twice a year…

Subby – I wondered if you were going to catch that. I usually don’t notice until I’m tally updating and by then it’s too late…

Janna – It is…because we did throw him into the paparazzi sharks awhile back and somehow he survived. He must be the devil…

Jaime said...

#3 - so THAT's why i don't see anyone out wearing horns anymore... i'm just supposed to infer them on everyone i meet.

good to know

lime said...

the whole eyeless thing really is bothering me a lot. not much sense there at all. of course maybe it's to balance out sauron who was nothing but a giant eye.

gab said...

lolololololol thats about it

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

....and commenting on others blogs.....

VE said...

Jaime – It’s true…you must have missed that class…

Lime – That’s a good observation…think how much money Visine could make on Sauron alone! Satan…not so much…

Gab – Yep…

Perpetual chocoholic – This is the berma shave of comments…