Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Oh Poo!

Now that I’ve passed that 1000 post mark, I’m in the club.

- I have the secret club decoder ring
- I know the special secret handshake
- I can sing our secret song at our secret virtual blog clubhouse

I feel I can also write whatever the hell I want to. Well, ok, like that ever stopped me before. With that being so, I’m going to write about poop! Because poop is disgusting and disgusting is funny!

Having to get after my kids to unclog the toilet because they ate an entire cow the day before and now we all have to suffer…I know a bit about the subject. Well, at least men…women poo behind closed doors at times they think nobody knows what they’re doing and then go to elaborate methods to remove all traces and odors of said event.

Men? We might leave any of the following…

The Old Growth. This is the mega poo. This is the one that you don’t want to admit came out of your butt because it’s so big it gets straddled over the toilet hole like an old growth tree bridge that isn’t going anywhere without a major, major flood. You’ve seen this poo before. It was in that Star Trek episode where Kirk had to fly another Star Fleet ship into it just to get rid of it. Yes, it’s that bad.



The Meteor. This is one of those dense strange meteor looking poo that you thought was going to be an old growth but were disappointed because now you have a poo with a deformity and there’s no government funding for such a situation. All you can do is hope that toilet black hole can suck it in without having to plunge.


The rabbit pellets. Sure, they might feel like nicely tapered perfect poo but they aren’t! Oh, and those aren’t coco puffs either. You’ve just been duped. Hang your head in shame and flush away…

The Big Bang. This might start out as a legitimate poo but somewhere in the process it goes terribly wrong in an unanticipated conversion from solid to liquid matter causing a complete explosion. Just make sure you are actually on the toilet when said event occurs. Oh…and try and emulate the women on this one…cover up all evidence; religious organizations don’t support the big bang!

26 comments:

Cheryl said...

Oh crap! You caught me. I was scared to death to scroll down to see that last picture.

Anne said...

hey, look, i'm #2 today!

Quirkyloon said...

I feel so dirt-ay.

Just dirt-ay!

lmpo

Monkey Man said...

Would have read this earlier but I had to catch up on my reading and as we men all know there is only one place suited for that. Now I have to clean my keyboard.

nonamedufus said...

VE? I feel I can honestly say you're full of shit, man.

sharonheg said...

Hmmm...you ever think of writing for poopreport dot com?

Beth said...

Ho-hum, more potty talk...
Living with a bunch of males, I’ve become so used to it.
And so why do I still snicker?? ;)

Tom said...

pandas are so cute...i don't believe they actually poop.

CatLadyLarew said...

I think you can tell how old someone is by the number of rings their poop leaves as it circles the bottom of the bowl.

And I don't think Anne should get so excited about being #2. I mean, a lady should never admit to doing #2, let alone BEING #2.

Mrsupole said...

Uh, didn't you forget the floaters, the ones where no matter how many times you flush they just won't go down.

Geez, do I have to remind you about everything cause you even fogot about Winnie the Poop Bear. He wants to know why his pic is not in here instead of those wimpy pandas.

God bless.

AngelMay said...

ROTFLMAO.

ReformingGeek said...

Oh, that was poo-fect, VE! I'm laughing gas. I mean, I'm laughing so hard I'm passing gas.

Oops.

Excuse me. I need to...er..change my pants.

Roy Scribner said...

If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.
-- Winnie the Pooh

Subby said...

( cue Evil Laugh )~~I've never met a toilet I couldn't clog~HA!

And as yet, try as I might, I can't cover up the smell...what?

And right on th' heels of your G.C. post, he did do a monologue about being "shit-faced" and one on "cute little farts"...just sayin'...

LMAO!

Megan said...

Ick.

Janna said...

I can't stop staring at the Star Trek one.
It almost looks like one of those Bugle snacks.

Elizabeth said...

Ugh, I'm glad I read this after supper and not before!

The Incredible Woody said...

I saw an antelope poo today.

VE said...

Cheryl – You should be!

Anne – What a coincidence…that’s exactly what we’re discussing…

Quirkyloon – Go ahead, let your dirt-ay flag fly…

Monkey man – In meetings? During chick flicks?

Nonamedufus – You’ve been waiting some time to say that, haven’t you? There is a time for everything (turn, turn, turn)…

Sharonheg – I didn’t even know that existed. Awesome…I could be their number two writer!

Beth- Yes, I’m sure you’ve heard it all before…

Tom – Well if they do, they’re so slow it must take forever!

Catladylarew – What if it doesn’t circle? Does that mean you’re dead or haven’t really been born?

Mrsupole – Ah yes, floaters. Only a certain percentage of the population has floaters. Apparently if it floats it’s methane gas and if not it’s just air. I thought about Winnie…but I went with something unexpected this time…

Brian – Why thank you!

Angelmay – Does that mean Raisins On Toast Feels Like Mushrooms Above Oatmeal?

Reforminggeek – Passing gas? I did that this morning when I drove right by the gas station without stopping…

Roy – You are a Pooh authority! An excellent quote…

Subby – You and my son should have a clog off match!

Megan – The proper reply is “EWWW” and I coveted them…

Janna – I giant bugle snack on fire…excellent…

Elizabeth – Never eat around Fantastical Nonsense…I’m glad you knew better…

Incredible woody – I’ll bet he was embarrassed! You should knock first…

Subby said...

VE, I'll admit th' pressurised ones are a bit harder to clog but...just have Roto-Rooter on stand-by~HA!

@Janna, ya beat me to that one~LOL!

Anne said...

I know, how subtle of me! I'm glad you caught that.

lime said...

thank you very much for the pictures of panda bears. i deeply appreciate that.

gab said...

A few weeks ago Tyra did a show on poo and said we all should look at and learn what is normal and what isnt. Hummmmmmm. ok and then she said she doesnt understand why people get upset when someone passes gas cause its a normal body function! Well letme tell you she should be in this house after my hubby and grandson get done eating a see how long she can last before 1 gagging, 2 running out of the house screaming fresh air fresh air.
Im guess Im not the normal woman though cause I have nothing in my bathroom to freshen the air. if it smells bad too bad get over it Im not wasting money on fake air freshiner. Beside Im allergic to most of that crap! LOL I made a funny

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

...so now I have to play catch up.

BTW...EWWWW!

Jaime said...

i used to like panda bears...

VE said...

Subby – You should get a lifetime membership with them…sort of like a gym membership…

Anne – I’m not that dense…we’ll usually…

Lime – I’ll email you the other ones and label the subject line, “Cute”

Gab – Normal is a personal preference…

Perpetual chocoholic – (VE sighs with relief upon the receipt of another EWWW for his collection)

Jaime – What happened…put too much salt in the recipe?