Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Coffee People, you make life suck!

I think I’ll just piss off 90% of the adult population by saying that I hate coffee people.

Actually, it’s not so much the coffee drinkers, it’s the organization around serving their addiction that has me irked.

Everywhere I go, there seems to be one person that does both the coffee and the cashier work for other food items that don’t require a 700 step operations plan!

Case in point:

I’m at the hotel spa gift shop and I need to discretely purchase an anniversary card because despite having the brilliant foresight to get married on my birthday so I wouldn’t forget my anniversary, I did indeed forget to purchase a card proactively.

Anyway, I get a small window of opportunity when the wifey-poo needs to run back up to our room for who-knows-what-because-females-just-do-such-things. I quickly run into the gift shop, choose between the three anniversary cards they have (which, by-the-way, still offered a better selection than my mega-Hallmark store at home…more is not better, Hallmark!).

All of 40 seconds have transpired and I’m ready to pay with cash but there are two people already in the store and they have coffee orders going so the lady running the store doesn’t even see me as she busies herself with a myriad of coffee related activities

Expresso shots, steamed milk, sprinkles and God knows what else but the minutes roll by and I’m still standing there.

The wifey-poo shows back up and I send her on to the dining room to get a table for breakfast. More minutes go by.

Oh.my.God

More minutes go by. It’s now been six minutes and the clerk hasn’t once looked up from her coffee addict slavery routine despite my repeated attempts to clear my throat and gain her attention without sending the caffeine starved customers into a rage against me.

There are two rules to always follow in life: Don’t get between a mother and her cubs out in nature and don’t get between a coffee addict and their coffee in the morning.

Finally the wifey-poo comes back out and is shouting at me from the hallway that she has a seat and if I actually want breakfast I’d better get moving because the buffet line is starting to look like a Beatles reunion concert.

But she’s paved the way for the clerk to realize that there is something beyond a triple shot mocha latte with extra caramel flavoring and whipped cream. And thankfully I am able to just throw money at her and escape with card in hand letting her keep the change because it’s not worth the extra wait to get it by now. I now know how to completely strip a gift store of their merchandize without them knowing it….just order a complex coffee concoction and start grabbing and loading the car…

35 comments:

The Incredible Woody said...

Woot!

The Incredible Woody said...

You could have performed the romantic gesture my brother did. While at Walgreens waiting on a prescription, he took his wife to the card aisle, picked a card out, handed it to her to read, said "Happy Anniversary", and put the card back in the rack! I'm betting he didn't get any anniversary sex.

Roy said...

Yeah, those self-centered, narcissistic coffee people; according to them, nothing, not even an anniversary card, should stand between them and their slurp!

VE said...

incredible woody - You mean I could have just replayed a jewelry store commercial on our TV and saved the cost of a ring? Genius!

roy - they can have their coffee, but they shouldn't have to hold up everything for 10 minutes to get it. Perhaps they should go back to the over-heated self-service coffee pot!

RA said...

"don’t get between a coffee addict and their coffee in the morning"... Wise words, VE, very wise words! :D

jinksy said...

That'll teach you to buy a card early next year! :)

Subby said...

Don't even think about touchin' my coffee mug! Oh wait...I brew at home 98% of th' time. The other 2% is from the diner. And I can self serve. And they dinna sell greeting cards.

And wot Jinksy said~HA!

Tom said...

worse than crack junkies! and it's legal. i usually just make my wife a card--i know, it's lame, but you get a better response than with something store bought (oh, unless it sparkles--then you don't need a card at all)

Monkey Man said...

Next time just tell your wife to chill because you are buying yourself a birthday card. Then coffee stress lines won't seem so bad.

Elizabeth said...

Do you drink coffee at all? My husband doesn't and just doesn't understand how there many different ways to make a cup of coffee!

ReformingGeek said...

I hope wifey-poo appreciated your efforts. That was a lot of work!

Mrsupole said...

I don't drink coffee, so does that mean you like us non-coffee drinking people. Just move to Canada or England and then you can join us, the tea drinkers of the world. Or you can be like me and live in the USA and be one of the minority who drink hot tea instead of hot coffee. Being married to someone who grew up in Canada tends to make one a tea drinker, but the funny thing is that he is the one who sometimes drinks coffee, mostly because it is easier to buy when out and about. At home he kinda freaks out if we even get close to running out of Tetley tea or his other specialty teas. Lipton has never been allowed to be in our house. Even I cannot drink cheap ass teas.

Trust me, a tea snob is worse then a coffee snob. We will go without before we will drink the cheap crap because we have standards to follow. Plus we are not drinking tea to get a caffeine high, we are drinking it for it's taste. And yes, I guess I have turned into a tea snob along with my hubby. Geez, I cannot believe I have done that. Good thing I am an Independent thinker. LOL

God bless.

PS...Hope you had a great Anniversary and maybe you should have bought two cards, that way you will be ahead for next year.

monica said...

so... what did you get for breakfast then? pancakes with maple syrup... and milk? with massage on the side? and was the wifey poo all thrilled with the card ?

Roy Scribner said...

I'm a bit of a coffee snob, but I'm snobby about COFFEE - not the $6 milkshakes that so-called coffee shops hock to the masses, these days. "Just plain?" Uh...yeah!

Mike said...

If you spill the coffee you get their attention real quick

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Pthththt.......or however you would write that I am sticking out my tongue and blowing a raspberry at you!

@Mrsupole, I'm Canadian and started off as a tea drinker until a couple of years ago when I discovered Mocha lattes and saw the light. Also, in our part of Canada (and the Canadian base in Kandahar) Tim Hortons is much more popular than any tea. Now those people are truly psycho about their coffee and it's not even the good stuff!

AngelMay said...

Whatever happened to a cup of regular old Columbian? Sheesh.

G-Man said...

X-Tra Large Regular Coffee with Double Cream Please...Don't forget the senior discount!!

sharonheg said...

I'm married to a guy who buys my BD/Xmas/anniversary cards "the day of" so yup, I'd definitely say BUY YOUR FREAKIN CARDS EARLIER! ;-)

secret agent woman said...

You know, blaming their irresponsibility on the actions of others is something addicts usually do. What sweet irony! :-)

Jaime said...

i can't function without my morning coffee. but i'm easy - i just want skim milk. no complex, fancy ordering for me.

Janna said...

I'm proud to say that I have never, ever been to a Starbucks in my entire life.

I'm with mrsupole; tea is much better.

Although I've had coffee flavored ice cream AND tea flavored ice cream... (both made by Haagen Dasz) and I have to say that the coffee ice cream is much better.

Do what my Dad does; buy a huge stash of anniversary cards all at once and just pull one out of the stack each year. It's not exactly romantic but it will keep you from having to sleep on the sofa.

Subby said...

With Janna; never been in or to a $tarbuck$ And wot's this about tea flavoured ice cream???

lime said...

i am proud to say i don't add to the problem because i hate coffee. never drink the evil bean juice.

you're welcome.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I had the best coffee today and it was made extra special by the fact that I had to wait 20 minutes in line to get it.

Baino said...

Nah . . I'm one of those 'don't get between me and the barista types' you should have bought your card EARLIER

Subby said...

Imagine my shock when I found out "Juan Valdez" was a Folger's creation...spoiled th' whole trip to Columbia, it did...

Subby said...

Tha's wot's so great about bachelor-hood...no anniversaries to remember but dinna let me forget a birthday....!

aladdinsane12 said...

ahaha, i'm not a fan of coffee people either. i'm the person who walks into starbucks and asks for a "small" to which they reply "you mean tall?" and i go, "um, surely a tall is large?" and we argue for like 2 hours.

and please tell me you've seen the scene from "love actually" where the guy is trying to buy a bracelet and it takes like 3 hours.

VE said...

RA – I’ve learned…

Jinksy – You know…I could have been buying aspirin or sun tan lotion or anything and I’d still have waited the irritating 20 minutes while the lady serviced two coffee drinks…

Subby – See…you’re not the one I’m strangling in my mind while waiting in line…

Tom – You’re right…the store bought ones are crap!

Monkey man – You’ve learned that one the hard way too, eh?

Elizabeth – Not at all. Not even tea. Not even iced tea. I will do hot chocolate in Europe though…I mean come on, it’s Europe and it’s made with real chocolate too!

Reforminggeek – The herculean efforts I go through to please her…sheesh!

Mrsupole – See now, I don’t fall into either category. In fact, I don’t have a category…which is probably a good thing…

Monica – Why I had an omlette, French toast and orange juice, then hiking, then a massage, then a hot tub, then…well…

Roy – Yeah, I don’t see the military distilling those concoctions…

Mike – That’s a good plan…I’ll work on my innocent bumbling act..

Perpetual chocoholic – That’s only because you’re still waiting in the line…

Angelmay – It got filled with drugs…

g-man – That sounds a bit easier than what these two were ordering…

sharonheg – Ha! It would help but since we’re both in second marriages we don’t think a lot about all that tradition stuff so I was amazed to find she remembered a card too…

secret agent woman – I’ll see how you feel the next time you’re waiting in line at the drive through while the guy ahead of you is asking how each and every meal choice tastes…

Jaime – And that would go pretty fast. I just don’t have time to watch them do fancy-dancy 20 minute drinks…every minute is a minute lost to blogging here, folks!

Janna – Actually, I’m not mad at Starbucks…they’re for coffee people and I wouldn’t expect fast service there. It’s these other places that want to everything to everybody and then spend 99% of their time making these ridiculous drinks while everyone else in the place suffers…

Subby – Is there a flavor they haven’t put in ice cream? Don’t answer that…

Lime – I knew I could count on you…

Perpetual chocoholic – Crazy…just crazy…

Baino – It’s not about the card…it’s about the time consumption in a place that caters to much more than coffee…

Subby – That’s why Columbia is one of only three countries I haven’t been to in South America!

Aladdinsane12 – Ha! I have seen that scene…good call!

CatLadyLarew said...

What ever happened to regular coffee without all the additives? In the time it took for you to buy the card, you could have drawn an even better card for her on coffee to-go cup. Just sayin...

Subby said...

VE, th' only thing worse would be if they got th' order WRONG after all tha' wait! Not like tha' happens a lot...

As for ice cream flavours...ah...okay, I'll stop... ( lobster! garlic! ) I lied...

Ah de Sout' Amereekan Way, si? Maybe one year I'll do the East Coast...

unfinishedperson.com said...

I know exactly what you mean. I can't stand the way coffee people act. However, my wife is one of them so I have to put up with it, plus I know if she doesn't have her daily caffeine dose to not even talk to her until she does.

gab said...

funny thing......I used to drink coffee. I used to go to one of those coffee places.....then Micky D's came out with speciality coffees. And guess what I like them. and they are CHEAPER! so every now and again I will be at Micky D's getting either a vanilla Iced coffee or a carmel Frapple'. But not plain black coffee or even coffee with cream. I just cant drink that any more.

VE said...

catladylarew - Then again...you haven't seen me draw!

subby - Don't get me started with ice cream flavors!

unfinishedperson - See...and here you thought we didn't agree about things ;)

gab - That's where to get them. I have no problem with you going there...they don't sell anniversary cards!