Saturday, July 03, 2010

Things to put on Maps

Some people wanted to know what VE could possibly get paid to do. Well, if you must know, I am being paid as a project manager to lead a team of people at a major sporting goods company. It’s sort of like blogging…I make things up and they believe or disbelieve them and then discuss what I’ve written…

Now…on to our regularly scheduled humor…

Back when I believed that I could make money publishing stupid humor and selling it at airports to people desperate to find something amusing after their body cavity search over at the security checkpoint, I came up with the concept of a book of nothing but a map of the USA on every page. Each map would have some different theme though. Here are a few themes I came up with:

1. Places your family made you go to while kidnapped on a family driving vacation

2. Famous people were arrested or died here (who and why)

3. Places without a fast food restaurant

4. Where you can drain your gas tank just idling during rush hour

5. Unusual homes you secretly want to live in

6. Places where they never take down their Christmas lights

7. Museums you’ve never heard of

8. Places nobody knows why anyone settled there in the first place

9. Places you’re sure you stepped through either a time warp or a space worm hole to parallel planet

10. Places where there are still fully operating enclosed phone booths

11. Locations of actual working Ford Pintos

19 comments:

Brian o vretanos said...

There would be a massive variation in the scales of these maps.

It's not a bad idea, though. Someone published a book in Britain called "Crap Towns", which sold very well.

Mrsupole said...

Hey maybe this would be a map that men would actually read. Maybe you should give it a try and sell them.

God bless.

CatLadyLarew said...

You have the perfect job... Congratulations!

Personally, I think a vacation to view actual phone booths would be riveting. (But only if you made a prank call from each one.) You'd, of course, have to make the trip in a Volkswagon Beetle with a bunch of clowns and then see how many of you could squeeze into each phone booth.

BTW...Do you have Prince Arthur in a can?

Subby said...

3 & 4 I know a few of...

#11...there is a guy over in th' next town still driving his '79 Pinto wagon...!

Roy said...

I like #5, except that the unusual home I most want to live in is in Wales (Baino had a post earlier this year about a hobbit-like place made of all natural materials that I really, really need to go find!), si it'd have to be a map of the world, not just the US.

As to #9, I gather you've never visited Maine, then. Heh, heh! Go back up Rt. 302 a ways and you'll see why Stephen King writes such creepy tales about the place!

ReformingGeek said...

Didn't all the Pintos go to the parallel universe?

Sigh.

You know that the phone booths are the portals to the parallel worlds, right?

;-)

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

I like it!

The Incredible Woody said...

Saw a map of LA like #2!

nonamedufus said...

Hey are you sure that's just a map of the U.S.? 'Cause I'm up here in Canada and I live in the neighbourhood you've described in #6. Happy 4th tomorrow VE!

sharonheg said...

I live in Orlando. Besides the obvious touristy places, we also have, not only the courtroom where Ted Bundy was sentenced to die, but the table in said courtroom where he carved his initials. It's covered over in plexiglass. Exciting stuff, huh? Beats Mickey Mouse ANY ol' day...

Monkey Man said...

Don't forget - Places where people have more fingers than teeth.

Janna said...

12. Places where people mispronounce the word "nuclear"

13. Places where parents still actually believe in the importance of making their kids behave in public

14. Places where the McDonalds drive-thru guy is most likely to mess up your order

15. Places where I might have left my car keys
.

Elizabeth said...

Towns that have no Taco Bell within 500 miles of it. (hint, that would be Juneau)
I want my Taco Bell!!

aladdinsane12 said...

you can add the town where i work to the rush hour idling towns. :(

VE said...

Brian – Ha! What defined a “Crap town”? Our weather here should qualify…well, not by Britain’s standards, of course…

Mrsupole – Tougher sell though…men don’t impulse shop for books…maybe I should just stick to self help and make gazillions…

Catladylarew – Clowns? Nooooo…..

Subby – A pinto wagon? That’s just wrong…aren’t there any HOAs in that neighborhood?

Roy – I’ve heard about a hobbit-like home…wonder if it’s the same place?

Reforminggeek – Yes, and pretty soon the only place we’ll be able to access the parallel worlds is at the airport…

Perpetual chocoholic – Maybe I could add chocolate factories as a page…

Incredible woody – Well…there have been a lot of famous people there…

Nonamedufus – Would only be fair to let our Canadian neighbors in on the misery…

Sharonheg – There’s one to add!

Monkey – Ha! Might be a crowded map in certain segments of the country…

Janna – I knew I could count on you for a few more!

Elizabeth – Have the Hispanic community there in Juneau rise up to the occasion! ;)

Jaime said...

how about annoying places that decorate for every single holiday. i had a neighbor who decked their place out fully for everything from christmas and valentines to back to school and presidents day.

lime said...

believe it or not when we lived there trinidad had fast food places but NOT mcdonalds. they actively sought to keep mickeyd's off the island. I think nafta may have changed that but i am not sure.

VE said...

jaime - Weird...I thought I responded to these comments...I know a person around here that does that. They do every holiday and even the weird and small ones...uggh!

lime - As if all the others were so much better too...

Roy Scribner said...

I grew up in Alsea, OR - a place without a fast food restaurant!