Monday, August 16, 2010

The Five Hypotheses

Five hypotheses on why you couldn’t blend in should you time travel to the distant future:

1. You have hair. In the future nobody will have hair. Hair follicles will be removed prior to birth as part of the birthing options configuration process. In the distant future, hair is represented as a holographic expression of your individuality from implanted display ports inserted throughout your head. All other body hair is considered unnecessary and un-cool and with the exception of facial hair, not simulated via holographic display.

2. You have white bone-looking teeth. In the distant future, teeth are entirely transparent and used for advertising or personal messaging. Bone-looking teeth, no matter how white you may bleach them today, are considered ugly and primordial.

3. Your eyes are visible. In the distant future, highly interactive goggles are permanently mounted using a standard that allows for a variety of goggle choices and functions. Everything from a video screen to outer-personal-representation can be customized with your eye goggles. Eye vision discrepancies are a thing of the past as the eye goggles automatically adjust to your near, far or stigmatic conditions.

4. You have a nose that sticks out. In a controversial move, nose cartilage growth was removed from the DNA strand allowing for a uniform flat slit nose that allowed for all the functions of the nose without all the drawbacks of the nose.

5. Your skin is imperfect. In the distant future, pigmentation is controlled through a master control program embedded just above the wrists of every human being. They are able to dial their own degrees of pigmentation to reflect their surroundings or express their own individuality. All external influencers like the sun are shielded out by using a common moisturizing cream lightly sprayed on at the end of all shower programs. It’s the same cream developed to eliminate all forms of skin cancer.

30 comments:

00dozo said...

Ha! I'm guessing you woke up with a hangover this morning and called in sick, or - still with the hangover - you looked in the mirror and saw:

1. You're bald (or getting there) and wish you could have the rest of the hair on your body migrate to your head.

2. The teeth whitening products you spent a gazillion dollars on in the past five years hasn't worked or has made your teeth transparent.

3. You wear glasses and don't like it. Hey, I can empathize.

4. You think your nose is too big and/or are tired of having to clip the hairs therefrom.

5. You've got a sunburn. A bad one. And it hurts. This only emphasises the fact that your hair now 'hurts', your teeth are bone-white because of your complextion, you forgot to remove your sunglasses before you fell asleep in the sun, and your nose got the brunt of it.
;-)

The Incredible Woody said...

Maybe I look like that now...

Roy said...

I was puzzles as to where you got this idea of what people would look like in the distant future. Then I read 00dozo's comment. Yup, that makes sense!

ReformingGeek said...

Um....I don't want to visit THAT future.

;-)

Jaime said...

you lost me at the no nose thing. i do NOT want to walk around looking like michael jackson. scary

Dennis the Vizsla said...

Even worse, my teeth have a gap in them.

Elizabeth said...

Google will still be around in the distant future??

Megan said...

Please let me keep my eyebrows.

Mrsupole said...

LOL at Jaime's comment. And ditto to RG's comment, I am so thankful that I will never visit that future. Maybe you could get Tom to doodle a picture of what one would look like in your future.

Although I sure could lose some of those facial hairs that have seemed to pop up since I have gotten older. Plus,I think I have figured out what my hubby has been doing with all the hair he has been losing from his head. He waits until I go to sleep and then glues them to my face. Then he keeps telling me I need to start shaving. I wondered why he kept laughing at me each morning when he saw me looking in the mirror with a magnifier. He must have traveled back in time.

God bless.

Roy Scribner said...

Wow, so L.A. is a real trend-setter in the future of noses? That's a lot better than setting the trend in acrid, stagnant air.

lime said...

i think i will stick with my hirsute, yellow toothed, obvious eyes, big nosed self.

VE said...

00dozo – Ha! Let’s review your accuracy. I don’t drink that much so no hang over.
1. On the contrary, I have my hair and at 49, it is just starting to get some gray. You can find pictures of VE here in the blog if you doubt it.
2. I don’t whiten my teeth but since every damn toothpaste you can buy these days has whitener in them they are a bit whiter than they once were.
3. I’ve never worn glasses. Well, I do have a pair of reading glasses now that I use for the ridiculously small print on things at work
4. You are right, nose hair clipping sucks.
5. I rarely sunburn. I get as dark as a Jamaican if I spend time in it but I don’t’ seek out the sun anymore like I used to.
It was a good try but you’re fantasy was nearly as inaccurate as my post predictions will be.

Incredible woody – At least you have perfect skin then!

Roy – Rule one around here is to never try and figure out where I get my ideas from.

Reforminggeek – Things always get a little worse over time…

Jaime – He was a prototype…you’re going to look funny when you’re the only one with a nose!

Dennis – Yes, gaps will be a thing of the past…they just caused us to have to floss…

Elizabeth – No, but goggles will…

Megan – It’s in the personalization options kit…

Mrsupole – The people from the future won’t know any difference. If you told people in the 1930s that they had to wear their pants and way down to their knees they’d laugh at you…

Roy – LA will have a giant dome with air-conditioned spring scented air in the future…

Lime – And I’m sure you compose all your posts on a typewriter still too! ;)

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Some version of Logan's run is more likely.

EmmaK said...

Brilliant!! But I am an evil genius and i will get around these problems by donning a burqa!!

Baino said...

No hair. Wonderful. No waxing. The Brasilian crew will be very happy and beauticians out of business. And I fancy the idea of choosing my skin colour without roasting in the sun, so when's this all going to happen?

Monkey Man said...

The future sucks. Except for the no hair thing. I really like that back hair will be a thing of the past.

Dee said...

and I thought i had way to much time on my hands???

Hehehe

Subby said...

I'll keep my imperfections, thenk you...especially the nose...!

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Megan said...

But is the options kit free? It'd better be free, dammit!

nursemyra said...

I like my nose!

Subby said...

...but...but...what about the extra appendages...?

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - Of course, in that world I'd already be dead...

emmak - You know, I knew somebody would have a plan around all this. You are evil sneaky!

baino - Can you wait about 500 years? That's only slightly longer than the customer service queues these days...

monkey man - Plus it eliminates any possibility of hair bands revival...

dee - I don't have too much time on my hands. Why, I just washed them a moment ago...

subby - In the future imperfections will be illegal...

megan - Yes, it'll be free; it's the only way to personalize a bunch of no hair, no-nosed, perfect skin freaks...

nursemyra - Me too!

subby - Exactly...they cost extra...

Serena said...

I think I'm not liking the future. At all!:)

Janna said...

I'd still like to keep my nose, but I'll try the new teeth, and possibly the goggle thing.

Oooh, ooh, can I have blue/green skin? Or maybe blue/green/purple?

Must start building time machine...
Where's Mr. Peabody?

VE said...

serena - Don't worry...it in the FAR future. We'll all be dead...

janna - The great thing about the time machine...you can take all the time you want building it because you can then just go back...

sharonheg said...

I'm 4'7". I've NEVER blended in ;-)

CatLadyLarew said...

I guess I'll just never blend in, now! It's totally hopeless!

gab said...

Yahooooo I can have perfect skin! That would be awesome. teeth that are white ok. No hair? welllllllll I guess that would be good to.

VE said...

sharonheg - You would have done great at this mini-bicycle riding contest I watched over the weekend!

catladylarew - You're sounding very Charlie Brownish! But you're right...it is hopeless...

gab - See...the future looks promising for some...